Can you have a lasting relationship where one of you no longer wants sex?

[TomColton]

My partner & I are in our early fifties. My partner no longer wants sex with me. (We have tried many different approaches to dealing with this over the years, but it's now terminal.) We have two children, 11 and 13, & I would much rather not disrupt the household by splitting up. So I'm prepared to accept a relationship without any more intimacy, but is that manageable long term? How do other people deal with this situation?

I don't know whether my partner is interested in other people. I'm realistic enough to know that no one else is going to be interested in me at this point in my life. Unfortunately I'm burdened with quite a high sex drive, but while that's difficult, I'm prepared to accept that part of my life is over. Presumably as people age this situation isn't unusual, even if 50ish seems a bit earlier than I'd expected!

I’m 51 and obsessed with my BF (44). He was in a LTR like yours and it almost broke him. His self esteem was shot, he hated himself, felt undesirable, unlovable and he had a breakdown. Do not underestimate what this could potentially do to your mental health and what it has done already. Everyone deserves to feel desired, wanted, adored, loved!

I’m so sorry you need to divorce. I guarantee you you will find someone - probably lots of women - who do want you! You could have decades left on this planet. Make them count x

This sounds miserable for both of you, and not a good idea honestly. It's not reasonable for one partner to just expect the other to accept a sexless marriage at your ages and if you try to you'll end up hating each other.

Just my opinion - but 50s is far too young to accept this situation for the rest of your life. Have you gone for counseling on this? If there really is no hope that it will change, and you still crave that physical intimacy, sooner or later this will implode and get ugly.

Just to say this is an interesting thread and you aren't alone in this situation @TomColton - I am in a similar situation (I'm younger but my kids are older) have very similar feelings about myself and lack of attractiveness despite (what I believe are) my other good qualities.

That said I am lucky to have a good marriage where we have fun, support one another and there is plenty of other types of affection. So currently I just choose to take care of my physical needs myself so they don't get on top of me (they can trigger negative self hating thoughts much like not getting enough sleep).

It's a challenge to manage your feelings about yourself when you don't want to rip everything up or bring up a difficult subject because the rest of your relationship is going better than when things were physical.

Better to leave now and find another partner while you are both relatively young. There is no point in being a martyr, and you have probably forgotten how important a good physical relationship is.

First, I'd like to push back on the PP comments here saying that it's "unfair" that your wife has "taken sex off the table". Comments like that stem from a coercive mindset that prioritises the sexual fulfillment of one partner over the right to bodily autonomy of the other partner. No one is owed sex or any other access to their partner's body, whether you're married or had sex thousands of times previously. The bodily autonomy of your partner comes above EVERYTHING, including your ego, wants, and desires, no matter how strong they are.

I know YOU are not saying this, OP, that is clear from what you've written.

Second, you shouldn't take her lack of sexual interest personally. It's not because you're unattractive, it's because she has no libido. She very likely doesn't want to have sex with ANYONE. I know this, because I was there for quite a long time.

Third, yes, it is common for older people to lack libido, especially women but also men. For every person saying here that they're boinking like rabbits at 70 or whatever, there's likely at least several other married readers who are or would be happy with zero sex. They're not speaking up because of the omnipresent accusations that they're being selfish unfair meanies to their partners who still want sex. (see first point - no one is owed sex, and suggesting you are somehow entitled to your partner's body is skating on the border of coercive rape)

Fourth, you have two choices: stay and accept that you will likely never have sex again. Or leave and take your chances. What is more important to you: the established but non sexual relationship you have with your wife, or the possibility of a new and invigorating sexual relationship with another woman that may or may not work out in the long term?

You're absolutely right here. It's human nature to feel anger as well as hurt to start with, but it's really no one's fault. I certainly neither expect nor want her to feel it's a duty. I'm not interested in being with anyone else. I just have to find a way of making this work if it's possible.

I promise you that men in their 50s, in even half way reasonable shape don't have any trouble getting female interest!

I dont know about the rest. I'm sure it's entirely possible but living a life where no one's happy seems a waste to me.

This

I was unhappy and in a sexless marriage, because I no longer desired my husband.

I'm now having the best sex of my life with a lovely 55 year old man (same age as I am)

So sometimes it's not lack of libido as such. It's just that she's gone off sex with you.

Who said that it is unfair that she took sex off of the table. Can you quote that post please?

Was everything else in your marriage good besides that @LittleJustice?

That's the thing I struggle with, if everything is seemingly good in every other way, but there is still little sexual interest then it's hard not to feel that you are just less than / inadequate in some fundamental way (I do all the physical basics of keeping fit, looking after myself etc, no pressure or expectations, much the same as @TomColton ).

OP are you creating the environment where your partner wants to have sex with you? Are you pulling your weight around the home?

Is there any affection at all between you?

Page 1 "Your W is being unfair"

Also page 1 "What does she suggest given that she's taking a core aspect of intimacy off of the table?"

And this sentiment comes up pretty much in all such posts, from women as well as men.

I get it, people want to have sex, it's emotionally meaningful to many people. For others, as one PP said, it's "emptying the tanks" and they find it pleasurable and want that to go on.

But using words like "unfair" is aggressive and off: it indicates that the person who wants to have sex is owed sex by the person who doesn't want sex. That's more than "unfair", it's coercive.

No one is owed sex. No one.

I agree with all that you say.

however I don’t think you’re considering how much a sexless marriage affects the partner of the person who doesn’t want sex. It can be humiliating, make a person feel undesirable, unattractive, unwanted. It can make them question whether they are truly loved. Or lovable. It can make them feel as if their wants are irrelevant. Trust me, I know.

Environment, I think so: childcare & jobs roughly equally shared, & I do frequently ask if I can do more.

Affection is difficult: it’s a painful reminder of what it used to be like, previously leading up to hopes the old relationship may return, & then the pain of more rejection. In time - if this sexless relationship does continue - I’d hope some level of affection could be maintained. I think I’d have to draw the line at any affection in bed though.

"What does she suggest given that she's taking a core aspect of intimacy off of the table?"

Yes that was me. I knew I didnt say anything was unfair. I think if you take a major component of intimacy off of the table, you need to be the one to suggest how that will be replaced (or not) going forward. I see it like telling your partner you will no longer be going on dates with them. Or you won't be cuddling or kissing. I don't think it is reasonable just to announce that and expect things to continue as they were, minue the undesired intimacy.

I really do not think staying in a sexless marriage is sustainable or desirable. There’s a reason why St Paul suggested ‘better to marry than burn’.

The ‘sorting yourself out’ idea 🤢. I’m not suggesting there’s anything wrong with polishing your own trophy, oh no not at all, but sex is about so much more. It is the glue, the intimacy, the tenderness, the laughter & the spark in a relationship. To reduce it to ejaculation is a joyless travesty of intimacy.

Honestly, if you are a fairly same middle aged man, honest & sensible & kind & not into weird misogynistic kinks, there will be plenty of women interested. You only need one after all!

I would start thinking and talking about divorce, & discovering whether it can be achieved in an amicable way. You are absolutely not a bad person for wanting- and deserving - intimacy & tenderness.

Charming. Myself and plenty of women loose libido at menopause- in addition to skin and hair looking crap and getting a bit of a gut. And yes, I used to love the gym before every joint ached. Would do HRT if I could even get through to a sodding doctor.

Nice to know we should all be jettisoned.

Have a watch porn, find a sex toy and have a wank. Enjoy the rest of your partners company.

Where do you find him? Just asking for a friend 🙂.

It's one thing if you lose your sex drive, but quite another to expect your partner to cope with a sexless marriage for the rest of their life. At that point, the couple is mismatched and the best thing for both parties may be to part ways.
There is so much more to sex than "watching porn and having a wank" - desire, closeness, physical intimacy.

It doesn't work. No sex can work, but no intimacy will suffocate you eventually.

You can put up with it, seperate or open the marriage and get those needs let elsewhere.

Only you can decide if you can live like that. You only get one life. You are obviously feeling unfulfilled as you wouldn’t be here asking about it. Most men wouldn’t live in a sexless marriage - you’re nothing more than friends. You’re in your 50’s, not 80’s.

Sorry thought you were a woman. Tbh it's much harder for men to get nsa sex, especially since ime they tend to be more likely to get emotionally carried away.

If you want to stay married you're probably best off doing what a lot of men in your position do - finding an independent sex worker who enjoys her job, for a bit of discreet relief every so often.

Desire is the porn and wank bit.
Close and intimate can be other things.
Marriages are always going to be mismatched at various times. God forbid one of you gets seriously ill.

Ditch them if you don’t love them.