Can you have a lasting relationship where one of you no longer wants sex?

[TomColton]

My partner & I are in our early fifties. My partner no longer wants sex with me. (We have tried many different approaches to dealing with this over the years, but it's now terminal.) We have two children, 11 and 13, & I would much rather not disrupt the household by splitting up. So I'm prepared to accept a relationship without any more intimacy, but is that manageable long term? How do other people deal with this situation?

I don't know whether my partner is interested in other people. I'm realistic enough to know that no one else is going to be interested in me at this point in my life. Unfortunately I'm burdened with quite a high sex drive, but while that's difficult, I'm prepared to accept that part of my life is over. Presumably as people age this situation isn't unusual, even if 50ish seems a bit earlier than I'd expected!

Serious illness is quite a different thing.
I think it's an act of cruelty to totally deny your partner sex, but expect them to remain locked into the contract of marriage. If you don't want it, fine, but it's wrong to insist they also do without it completely - for the rest of their life. I think at that point, setting them free is the kinder thing to do.

But can’t you see that her attitude makes him feel like he’s been jettisoned?

I think all women and most - or certainly the normal, sane and even remotely emotionally intelligent ones - men understand what menopause and hormonal chaos can do to the female sex drive. It’s a pretty common problem. However for one side (male or female) to completely shut down a major part of an apparently otherwise good relationship with no interest on the effect this may have on the other person involved is a pretty awful thing to do.

No-one is suggesting coercion or worse is a good idea, and I’m struggling to come up with any comparisons to illustrate how I think the situation is unfair but as an example, apparently one unforeseen ‘Mounjaro effect’ is that couples who previously used to enjoy going out for dinner regularly no longer can or do as the WLI user no longer has an appetite. Allegedly it’s causing quite the rift in some relationships - I can imagine it would in ours. We’re not sociable and don’t go out much but the one thing we really do enjoy is to go out to dinner regularly and it’s an important part of our lives. If I were to unilaterally remove that activity from our relationship my husband would be gutted. He wouldn’t just miss the food but the level of intimacy in our chat when the kids aren’t around and pressures of home are removed. He’d miss seeing me make an effort to dress and make up nicely for him. He would be right to feel it’s unfair that I’ve just taken away something so important without any consideration for him. He would make every effort to understand and support but would still be gutted.

I realise it’s a rather clumsy comparison but like our dinners out, sex in a relationship is an intrinsic part of the commitment to each other. It’s what separates our relationship from friendships and other relationships. Obviously it can work for some without sex, if both are happy with it but honestly, what is really the point - physical obstacles notwithstanding - of a romantic relationship without any kind of sex or affection? We’re not talking about illness or anything here. It’s basically one person saying they’re no longer attracted to the other, and while it may well be hormonal, what do you honestly expect him to do with that? It’s like saying she no longer feels any differently about him to how she feels about her brother/friends/random colleagues. He’s been seriously demoted and any ego would be hurt by that.

Husband and I do go through ‘dry spells’ where we’re too tired/busy or otherwise distracted or unwell to find the time, energy or interest in sex, but we both make a point of making sure each other knows that we still want and desire the other, are still attracted and are looking forward to getting past whatever is in the way and normal service can be resumed. OP’s wife doesn’t seem interested in reassuring him 🤷‍♀️.

Tinder quite unbelievably. Just been to the theatre with him so it's not all sex. But the sex is incredible, it's like we are a pair of 17 year olds rediscovering it. Both of us married in 1999 so out of long marriages.

My ex gave no affection to me unless he wanted sex. And there were other problems with the marriage that made me go off him.

Why do men only ever come on here, a predominantly female forum, to moan their wives aren’t having sex with them, it’s ridiculous

No it’s not for me.
you eventually feel so resentful and low in self esteem

It’s incredibly common - I mean, presumably most couples who remain alive and together stop having sex eventually. What I find really odd is that it also seems common for the person without a libifo to stop talking about it, or even never to talk about it at all. That I find very strange.

I certainly don’t think anyone should have sex they don’t want. And I’m sympathetic to the argument that many women post menopause feel a kind of liberation in not being sexually driven. But I’m dreading that myself. I don’t see what dp would be supposed to do. I have encountered men in this situation, and I know that there are women as well, and I just think it sounds so miserable. Much as I love dp for lots of other reasons, I’m in a relationship and putting up with the negatives as well as he positives, because I like sex. If I really couldn’t do it any more, I’d want to talk about a different life, and yes that would probably include dp seeing someone else. Why would you not want that for your partner, if you love them?

Oh and btw, I think early 50s is terrifyingly young for this.

Similar story here but not finding anything on Tinder 🫤.

Thanks. One thing I find difficult to understand: if it was the other way round, I'd want to give pleasure to my OH even though it wasn't giving me pleasure, as an act of affection - being happy making them happy. But I wonder if it doesn't work the other way round: there's something particularly unpleasant about men being sexually interested in women, who don't find them attractive. I certainly don't want to pressure her into doing anything she finds unpleasant. And it's not her fault. It's just finding a way of dealing with it, which isn't easy.

I can’t see it working OP ..
It will completely fuck over your self esteem & that’s very wrong ..
This is a serious issue , you say she does not want to separate, well then sit her down & say ok

“ what are we going to do about this “

I don’t mean obviously your wife has sex she doesn’t want , you wouldn’t want that either ..
There are lots of avenues to explore though ..

I don't understand why anyone just decides that as they don't want intimacy anymore their dp just has to put up with it. Your dp is being absolutely selfish.

'One thing I find difficult to understand: if it was the other way round, I'd want to give pleasure to my OH even though it wasn't giving me pleasure, as an act of affection - being happy making them happy'

Well exactly, while it shouldn't be a chore when in a relationship we all maybe do things we cba with but with sex it is actually proven the more you do it the more you want it.

Your options are few. Accept it and depressingly just feel rejected for the rest of your life or tell your dp ss they arent bothered about changing the situation you'll have an open relationship and explore the many sites for people in your situation. Life is too short.

I think that people who assume that having a wank alone is a replacement for intimacy with a partner are just not on the same page as me about sex. If these things are the same to you, then you're not getting the same sort of pleasure that I do from sex.

And unfortunately going elsewhere just for sex, even with partner's permission, and then coming home to the one you love is not remotely the same as having sex with the person you love. Not even on the same page.

I would hate to be pressured into sex I don't want but I hope I wouldn't be so selfish that I didn't look into the whats and whys such as trying HRT, testosterone. The things that may have affected the libido in the first place. At least talk about it and try and understand her husband's position.

On the other hand if the situation is that she's never really been interested in sex and just did it as long as she had to in order to have children and secure her relationship then you've probably got no hope and should actually be feeling pretty deceived. I do know people like this but I think they're entering relationships under false pretences and it's not fair on the other partnet.

If you were a woman OP, you’d get loads of sympathy but as a man you won’t . I don’t think it’s easy for men to appreciate how the menopause affects some women’s libido so I sympathise with both of you; it’s a shit situation and no decent solution.

I would probably have a discreet “friend” in your situation but of course these things can and do get messy.

If this were Dadsnet, someone would suggest paying a sex worker.

I think there is a bit of nuance here, for me personally I 100% think sex should be as you describe and it is what I want with my DW.

However since that currently isn't an option (I am lucky though to share other forms of intimacy and affection) I sort myself out to take away the basic urges - a bit like having a snack to stop your stomach rumbling, it isn't the meal you want and need but it at least stops you thinking about that rumbling all the time.

Edited as I meant to quote @JadeSquid but didn't!

Wife!

Yes and some people are content with "snacking". I'd say their partners are lucky in that respect. What irks me is when people criticise those for whom "snacking" just isn't a long term solution.

Suspect cheating possible. I would stand for this in my 50s

Do you really think some women do this consciously?
I can understand that people might subconsciously do this by convincing themselves that in some way they love their partners but have a low libido.
But to consciously mislead and trap their husbands in this way does seem quite unforgivable.

I don't think they see it like that. They see it as "normal" to present a version of yourself that will get you the person, and then revert to who you really are once the relationship is established. I think people do this in various ways; misrepresenting their interest and drive for sex is just one way that it manifests in relationships.

I know two women who have done exactly this - they don't misrepresent themselves exactly, in that they never made out they were mad keen on the sex part of things. However in private both have said to me that they'll be quite happy when they'll never have to have sex again and would prefer not to have to do it at all. One of them uses it as a bribe when she wants something. Fucking awful idea. They withdraw sex as they feel suits whatever their requirement is at the time, punishment for example. Both have been working on a slow withdrawal policy to be able to get to a permanent 'closed for business' position. Neither are menopausal and it's nothing to do with their hormones or anything else physical. Both say they've never been very interested in sex except for how they can use it but have never let on to their partners how unfulfilling they find it, or that it's a chore like washing the dishes. I would say that neither, in my eyes, have ever had what I would see as a genuinely good, secure, loving relationship. They think what they've had is normal but I just don't think they know what real love is. Love to them is transactional, it's about security on a practical level and they see having sex as part of their currency to get it but have no interest in the real intimacy side of it. If that's your wife, @TomColton then you might as well give up now. On the other hand, if your wife is slap bang in the middle of the menopause and struggling with it other ways too then it's a case of gently working with her, giving her time and seeing if there is a way to improve things.

@roseymoira bevause they can get golf tips elsewhere?

If you stay you’ll resent her so much you’ll start acting like a twat. Then it will end.

Just say now it’s not for you and either you can have an open relationship or you split amicably and focus on coparenting.

You deserve to be with someone who wants you.

I had a friend who treated sex with her (now -ex)DH in the way @FullLondonEye friends do. Note the ‘ex’. She’s doing the same with her current DP.

Is there anything that triggered the aversion to sex in your DW? obviously she fancied you enough to have two DC with you.

Previous PP have mentioned menopause, but if she had a bad experience with pregnancy/birth she could have a fear of a repeat of that, and it’s turned into the aversion to sex. Even a gynae issue that she doesn’t want to talk about.

The only thing I would suggest is couples therapy to really get to the bottom of the aversion. That will show you if the relationship is salvageable or indeed if you want to carry on if you’re looking at 40+ years of no sex.

And I’m writing from the position of someone who has surgery & injuries that mean DH and I are trying to find a way of getting a workable sex life. Although we’re still very affectionate & fancy each other.

For both your sakes, I hope you can get something sorted out.