Child contact

[PumpkinSpiceCake]

My ex hasn’t had contact with our children in 2.5 years. I’d like to reach out and ask if he would like to have contact again (slowly building up) has anyone done this and how best to make contact?

Think we need more information first.
Why do you want to do this?
Is it in the child's best interest to do so?
Would dad have regular consistent contact or mess you all around (and would dc benefit from this)?
How old are dc and what do they want?
In my dc case I asked the dad to step up or dont bother because inconsistencies were distressing for dc. The dad decided to no longer visit (totally his choice, I'd have preferred him to step up). Dc reached out aged 13 and met up twice dad was still not interested. Dc is an adult now and had no more contact. Dc now says that it was the right thing seeing how some of his friends were messed around by father's and that dc feels they had a much more stable home life than many.
Make sure you're doing it for the right reasons.

I wouldn’t.

I would never ask/force someone to be in my child’s life that didn’t want to be because it could do more harm to the children.

if he wanted to he would already be there

he doesn’t want fo be in their lives otherwise he would be

Yes I am doing it for the right reasons. The children need a father and even if they don’t openly say it, it is clear they do. He can have one chance to stick to it and obviously I will want to discuss it with him before meeting again that’s why I’m wondering the best way to go about it.

Thanks but I have my reasons for this so unfortunately I do need to make contact.

So you want a break and need him for something at this time rather than for the last 2.5 years. You clearly aren’t putting your children first but that’s ok. If a dad wanted to he would end of story, not to mention a child needs a good stable happy consistent serine role model not one mum’s just dragged back in after 2.5 years. You can try and waste your time cause who’s to say he wants to do as you expect? He doesn’t want the kids he’s made it clear.

Ok well thanks for your opinion but that isn’t what I asked.

I haven't been in your position OP. But I do co-parent and beyond the absolute bare minimum, he does nothing. I have tired asking, explaining the benefits to the children if he could show an interest, I have tried it all and he does not step up.
Now, I think the dc see it for what it is. They see the lack of effort. They see all that I do for them in comparison. And I feel so bad that they don't feel worth it from their Dads perspective.
Unfortunately you can't make someone step up. Having said that, I don't know your circumstances. Does he want involvement? Where has he been until now?

I did it OP and while the kids have their father in their lives he is as useful now as he was when he was completely not around and that was almost 5 years. He is literally down the road and still does not bother bar maybe when he remembers they have a birthday of he will see them around xmas time. I think this year in total he has seen them 4 times and when I say he is down the road we are talking a 10 minute drive away and he has a car. They dont feel rejected by him but they do not think 'oh I have just passed an exam must tell dad' either. He is just a person they see the odd time and get to say they have both a Mum and a Dad. They have NEVER spent a night in his house either. I dont know what your reasons are for contacting him but I wish you all the best with it. My ex is genuinely as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

Does he already pay maintenance?.

He is clearly not interested in them and you cannot make him step up.

I don’t know but I don’t plan to force him, it would be one message and the ball would be in his court.

Thank you

If he wanted to be in their lives then he would be. It is not in your children’s best interests to have someone in their lives if you have had to reach out and convince them it’s worth it.

It depends on why he's been out of the picture for 2 1/2 years really. Has he been working in a different country? In prison perhaps? In a highly dubious relationship that's now finished? Or is he not seeing them because he's not been bothered and family time fizzled out?
Why are you wanting him to come back into the children's lives now? Are they asking for him? Or is it one of the above three reasons and you are trying to ease the transition back into having family time? If the reason he doesn't see them is because he didn't put the effort in (i.e. no 4 above) then unless something big has happened, he's unlikely to be much different now.
Make sure you're doing this for the children's best interests - you could end up reinforcing that he's a rubbish dad all over again.

I’m assuming he has your contact details? So he clearly isn’t bothered about seeing his children.

I tried he couldn't be bothered then he reached out and his child couldn't be bothered so I told him to start contact slowly letters phonecalls etc he told his wife I said no to contact SHE then called me and berated me I told her the same as him slow contact build it up our child will be fine if he rebuilds some trust first she agreed we got ONE phone call then nothing for the last 19 years unless you count her accusing me of being a desperate old woman who wanted a baby and a paedophile on Facebook when she was high (we are the same age and I was in my 20s when I got pregnant to be clear we were in a relationship and no dd wasnt planned) and contacting DD to say that she knows all my skellingtons (i dont have any?)

So yeah shite show

What the reason he hasn't had contact? I think that's an important factor. How do you think he will respond? Personally though as you seem to be determined to do it whatever your reason, I'd do it in writing preferably in email if you have their email address so you can refer back to the conversation if needed.If he responds, whatever the reason for the no contact whether it was his choice or yours, needs to be properly addressed and not swept under the carpet so that things can move forward in the best way for the children and a solid plan for the build up in contact is needed.

My ex husband hasn’t been in touch with our children in 9 month. I don’t intend to contact him. Ever. He has our eldests phone number if he cared to get in touch. Even if I was terminally ill I wouldn’t get in touch.

If he was bothered about the kids he's had 2.5 years to contact you. I'm not sure there's anything you can say that will magic up any sort of parenting from him. I never knew my dad, I'm fine and have always been fine, my brothers knew their dad for a few years, he chose not to have contact with them after a while and that affected the middle brother badly for a lot of years. Rejection is worse than not knowing any different.

You say your children need a father, and maybe so. But would a “father” choose to not see or control his children for 2.5 years? He might share their genetics, but he’s no father.
You’re running the risk of setting your kids up for heartache by opening that door again.

Contribute not control! *

It doesn’t really matter the reasons why I want to contact, he hasn’t had contact as I told him either be consistent and step up or don’t bother and he chose not to bother instead, things change though that was 2 nearly 3 years ago.

Things haven’t changed though. He chose not to bother then and he is still choosing not to bother now- if something had changed for him then he would have reached out himself.

Don’t try to drag someone back into your children’s lives who actively is showing you every single day that he doesn’t want to be there. He’s not a dad, he’s a sperm donor.

My ex didn't see our DC for 2.5 years (his own choice). He rang out of the blue begging to see DC and promising the earth. I thought really long and hard about it, got loads of advice - most people said don't let him back into their lives. I didn't listen, he seen them for 3 hours a week and gave up after about 6 months. I was so angry at myself for putting the kids through that. I had to put in so much work to get them through being abandoned a second time. They're ok now but it really would have been better for him to stay away.

I understand people are trying to put me off but this really is my last resort and I wouldn’t be planning to reach out to him if it wasn’t a last resort.

So what are the really important reasons then why this is the last resort??