Child contact

[PumpkinSpiceCake]

My ex hasn’t had contact with our children in 2.5 years. I’d like to reach out and ask if he would like to have contact again (slowly building up) has anyone done this and how best to make contact?

I don’t really want to post them as mumsnet can be extremely judgemental. I’m just wondering how best to make contact or what to say

@traintonowheretoday that really is not anyones business, the op could have found out she has weeks to live and wants them to go to her ex or she needs to remove him from birth cert or something and has to contact him.

If you are planning to do it anyway, for whatever reason, then I don't understand why you have posted asking the question.

Yeah the problem with this is that posters will assume it’s because you’ve hitched up with some bloke and that’s the reason. Which on the face of it, given his disinterest in his children, makes you look selfish.

Obviously there are all kinds of reasons but you say you don’t want to share because vipers be judgy…

The best way, if you are actually thinking about what is best for your children, is to not bother. That’s the only actual honest answer.

If he wanted to be there for them then he would be.

If he hasn't shown any interest for 2.5 years, why do you think you contacting him will make him parent? You can't force him into a step up plan or even to contact you or see his kids.

he hasn’t had contact as I told him either be consistent and step up or don’t bother and he chose not to bother instead,

You've tried this same thing before with shit results. Nothing has changed. If he had any interest in seeing them, he would. He's not going to be consistent and that can leave your kids even worse off. You can't force him to parent or even see his kids. I think you're going down a road that isn't going to help your kids.

Imagine he sees them a time or two, then poof. How do you think that will affect your kids?

Sorry not even sure what you mean by that? Surely most mums wouldnt want their ex sniffing back around if they had another man but no it isn’t that and that reasoning is bizarre?

It is best for them.

I didn’t ask if I should I asked if anyone has done this and how did you go about it. I don’t know how to start a message out of the blue and how to word it. My plan was always to do it ive not asked if I should or not.

I meant so you would have more child free time to spend with new fella. See it on here all the time tbh…

Can you explain how it would be best for them to be forced to spend time with a parent who isn’t interested?

That is what posters don’t understand.

You see women reaching out to absent exes so they have more time to spend with a new man on here all the time? Really?

Dear Ex-partner and father of my children,
You are a scoundrel and a wastrel. My father and yours would have you horse whipped if he knew how you had behaved towards us.
I hope this missive finds you well.
It has been a very long 30 months for the children to endure your absence from their lives.
I hope very much that you will want to see your children again, and resume your role in their young lives.
Please reply with your intentions by return. My messenger awaits your response.

Why is it best for them?.

Their father has already not seen them for 2.5 years. Why do you think he would at all respond to you messaging him now? . I’ve also assumed he is not paying maintenance seeing as you did not answer the question.

Do they though? I know we all say that children need both parents but in some circumstances I don't know if this is true. If parents wanted to be involved they would be.

I say this gently as in my experience I lost touch with one of my parents when I was early teens and that was 30 years ago and honestly life is good and I don't think I missed out on anything.

Believe me, it isn’t. Dragging a man who hasn’t been one bit bothered about being a parent for 2.5 years back into their lives is absolutely, completely and utterly not what is best for the kids.

No scenario or circumstances change that fact.

Not me but my best friend did this. 3 times. Each time he said he wanted involvement again, fed her exactly what she wanted to hear and then either didn't turn up to see them / pick them up or saw them a couple of times before disappearing again. They finally decided in their teens that they never wanted to see their dad again but not before years of having their heads messed with.

Do you genuinely think if he had any intention of being a good and solid father to them that he would have gone 2.5 years without seeing them?! Jesus, I have some old neighbours who I still make the effort to see at least once or twice a year!!!

I know you don't like people's responses on here but we're saying it because it's true. If your ex wanted to see his children on any level at all then he would have been in touch. You're just setting yourself - but most importantly your children - up for massive disappointment. I promise you it is NOT in their best interest.

Many, years ago, My DH’s stopped seeing his Dad when he was around 4 years old, his Mum always said to him if he let him down, then that would be it and he failed to turn up, so knew he wouldn’t get another chance. I know my DH doesn’t think it was anything he did, but in the later years, he has always wondered why his Dad didn’t make an effort to resume contact and when he asked, he was always told that his Dad knew where they lived. He never blamed his Mum. OP as Christmas is coming up, you could contact and say would he like to see DC over Christmas.

Yes. Wanting fathers who clearly couldn’t give a shit to have the DC more because they have a new man.

Seen it loads of times!

Unless there is abuse then both parents should be involved.

That is all very well but you cannot make him see his children if he does not want to be involved with them.

How old are your DC? Does the father pay CMS?

You could go the court route sounds like you would need something official putting in place. Nearly 3 years is a long time not see your DC OP.

And I’m not making him? It would be a simple message saying we are open to him having contact again or something like that it would be fully optional he can say no

Well arguably it's been "fully optional" for the last 2.5 years and he hasn't bothered so why do you think it will be different now?

He knows you all exist?

He doesn't need a text to remind him he's got children?

If they want to be and are interested in their children, which from what you've said, he isn't.
Honestly, I can't see any good reason for contacting him. He knows where you are, if he wanted to see them he would.