Child contact

[PumpkinSpiceCake]

My ex hasn’t had contact with our children in 2.5 years. I’d like to reach out and ask if he would like to have contact again (slowly building up) has anyone done this and how best to make contact?

He may think that we don’t want contact or that we would ignore him?

Oh come on....

Anyway, feel free to text him despite all the advice on here but I would absolutely not tell your children about ANY of this. Not even up to the point he is due to see them. Because I have seen kids get excited about their (absent) fathers turning up and then they just haven't arrived and it's heart-breaking.

I completely understand everyone's points of view here, but I also understand why you might feel like you need to show you made an effort one final time, to avoid any accusations of not trying or keeping them apart years down the line. And honestly, I dont blame you for feeling like you should try again. Weigh up if you think your kids could handle him disappearing again.

If you’re a decent parent OP then tell me, would that ever stop you trying your absolute best to see your kids and be involved in their lives?

I fucking love my kids, live for them, I certainly would not be totally absent from their lives for over 2 years just because I worry they might ignore me!

I’m not saying that is the reason but that might be why he hasn’t reached out.

But do you genuinely think a decent parent would not have any contact with their own kids for 2+ years, for any reason other than if they were literally dead or so seriously ill they were physically incapable of reaching out?

No.

That’s not what any half decent parent does.

He has not reached out because he cannot be bothered with either you or his children. That’s the long and short of it. He’s not presumably gone to court either re access.

What makes you think he would respond to your text message after all this time?. He knows where you are.

He is a shit dad this is why he hasn’t reached out. My daughters dad is also a shit dad but I’m aware and honest with myself about it

Well I don’t have many other choices, perhaps you do.

If things changed and he had an epiphany - he'd be contacting you and looking for ways to see his kids.
Yes - if father wanted to be a constant presence in their lives, it'd be good for them. But as it is - there is nothing that has changed from the time you told him not to bother. He chose it then, and continues to chose it now.

If you now contact him and tell him he doesn't need to be there consistently - and can come and go as he pleases - it won't be great for the kids, as would only lead to disappointments when he doesn't show up.

But you seem to be dead set on contacting him. Not sure what you think you'll achieve with that.

I would send one message saying something along the lines of - a lot of time has passed, our dc would really benefit from seeing you. How do you feel about that?

I think sometimes it’s not always that the father can’t be bothered, it’s that time passes and it gets harder and harder to get in touch. I had this with my dc1 - his dad saw him up until 1yr then it faded away, I can’t remember why. When dc1 was 3 he asked me about his dad so I said I would write him a letter. The response was positive and I understood the reasons why dc1 dad hadn’t tried to get in touch. Dc1 and his dad then had an incredibly close relationship until dc1 was 11 when sadly his dad died suddenly. I appreciate my situation might be in the minority but sometimes shit happens, sometimes all is not lost. All I would say is, hope for the best response and prepare for the worst response.

Thank you that’s really helpful.

Prepare yourself OP though if he does want to be in touch again and what that may look like for you. I was lucky, my ex appreciated I was the primary parent, deferred to me about everything and I had a lot of control (sounds as though I was militant - I really wasn’t indeed I was driving dc1 an hour to see his dad - with a newborn- when his car was in the garage) but if ex had come back with any attitude, shouting about rights, not committing to his son etc there would have been a very difficult result. We ended up becoming really good friends and I was devastated when he died.
I always said to myself that I wanted to be able to tell my dc1 I tried everything (within reason and only if it would be beneficial for dc1)
Good luck

To add to that I didn’t have contact with my father much growing up then he had a heart attack when I was pregnant with my first child (I hadn’t seen him for about 10 years at that point) so I went to visit him in hospital (under pressure from my family) and we maintained contact and had a really close relationship and he was a good father and grandfather to my children till he sadly died 2 years ago and I will never get back those lost years, people can and do change and he was an amazing father in those last 10 years and I am sad we didn’t have contact sooner.

I think it is worth reaching out. But I wouldn’t tell your dc (unless they have been asking you) just incase the response isn’t positive.

My mother did this for her children. Dad was away so long no one wanted to see him, but i valued the day with him and mother. A mother and father as parents is awesome. Its much better than living with one parent. I got to experience the mother and father around for a day. I really enjoyed. Best of wishes to you.

@PumpkinSpiceCake how did your mother feel about your dad reappearing when you were an adult for this close relationship after she spent years raising you alone??

But then in that case, what are you going to do if he says no? Or ignores you?

You keep saying you're contacting him as a last resort (assuming for childcare?) but if he doesn't want to see them then you are going to need another option. A man who hasn't seen his kids for over 2 years doesn't seem like the most reliable option for childcare.

I don’t think it’s for childcare. It would take ages to build up to him proving he is reliable enough to count on him.
Is it an illness thing? An organ donation? You obviously don’t have to share the reason but the reason you are needing to contact him will affect how you both build those bridges (if he is willing) in my honest opinion

People can change BUT only if they want to do so. You cannot force a change of behaviour in someone because it is their choice. There is no guarantee that your ex will step up like your father eventually did to you and your DC at the time.

She encouraged it, she actually supported him a lot in his last years as he had a heart attack/ stroke and needed a wheelchair couldn’t do anything for himself, she did shopping for him, arranged carers for him, we went up to visit him with my children, which was very weird as she hated him when were younger but he had no family so she stepped in. My mum isn’t a bitter person.

Yes not for childcare, I don’t want to go into too much detail as I said mumsnet can be extremely judgemental (already assuming it because I have a new man and want to ship my kids off somewhere as if I have time to meet a man!)

As it’s not childcare I am assuming it is something you need from him in which case just tread carefully. If he hasn’t changed then he could use this as an excuse to manipulate/control whereas really you should have the majority of control.

If he is receptive to coming back into your dcs lives how do you see that looking? Have you got any idea of how you want your get from where you are to where you want to be?
Also, if it is something you need from him and assuming you don’t have that need long term have you thought about how you will feel once that need has been met?

You have posted on here of your own free will.

Your judgment has been brought into question because you are thinking about contacting your ex who has not been at all in your children's lives for the past 2.5 years. The reasons for you now wanting to do so are actually immaterial.

To be honest I think it's more judgemental when you don't say why.

If you gave the reason then people might be more understanding.