MIL coming to stay - not spoken for 3 years

[Greyrock2828]

MIL coming to stay and i haven't spoken to her for 3 years - still speaks with DH but we live far away and so she hasn't visited for a long time since we fell out. Alot of background which I won't go into. My 5yo has ASD, diagnosed at 3. Pre diagnosis I had been visiting MIL when she told me that DD didn't have ASD and it was in my head, and she was just very naughty and we poorly parented and I was the problem. Since diagnosis she still doesn't accept it and says DD is just naughty and badly parented. I didnt want her to come out but DH is no contact with his dad and his family generally don't make any effort to keep in touch with him so I wanted him to have a nice time with his mum.
Should I just grey rock all weekend. Most interactions with her previously have been hostile (her side not me) usually after she's had a drink (which she probably does have a problem with IMO).
Any advice on how to handle? We will be spending time together so unavoidable. Do i wipe the slate clean, see how far we get without trying to get along?

Grey rock or take yourself off on a little holiday good luck!

Wow. I really don’t know! I would go away probably. Or ideally - well, ideally she wouldn’t be coming and you and DH would be united. Second ideal would be he and MIL go away. If that’s not possible, I and DD would go away.

We are NC with FIL, it would be an absolute fucking nightmare if only one of us was so I do not envy you!

Polite but distant - so yes grey rock but with a few social niceties. This is assuming she behaves, if not then grey rock all the way and go out if you need to.

It's very full on to have a person you haven't spoken to in years come to stay.. perhaps tell her husband to visit her next time.

What a shame it clashes with something you and dd already have booked!

Sounds horrific, sorry! How long is she staying for? I think maybe have a sit down chat with her (include DH) when she arrives and try to lay down some ground rules. Eg she must not mention anything about your parenting/ASD and in return you will be civil. Try to avoid giving her any alcohol (my MIL similar) and if she does buy/ bring her own take yourself to bed as soon as she starts drinking or as soon as you can. Good luck

I'm a pro at this.

Keep the visit shortish.
Ie fri eve to sun lunch.

Break it into blocks of time.

Take oldest of youngest out to some event (party or whatever) and leave other with DH and MIL. Soft play also works- you and 1 child, dh and mil man mark rhe other.

You prep all the meals and wash up as keeps you out of the way....

Go to a gym class / church / fruit and veg stall on your own one of the mornings.

Have some event Sunday PM from about 2 so its a natural "close" to the visit. I often just book something and say its been in the diary ages....

Deep breaths and offer to make tea when your dh announces he needs to play on his phone for 30mins go to the toilet.

Good luck.
If you find yourself alone grey rock. Answer questions minimally amd dont make small talk.

I'd generally keep my oldest with me to minimise her bullshit and id shut down any inappropriate chat.
Might be worth taking both kids out and leaving dh and hus kother to it

Pre kids id just go out all day as I had something that "clashed".

Next time send him to her and you stay home with the kids... I wouldnt want her near them tbh.

I can't offer a scrap of advice on how to manage this, because neither myself husband nor myself would ever allow someone access to our disabled child (much less in their home which should be a safe place) who denied their diagnosis and labelled them as naughty.

I think this is a huge error on your part.

Why on earth have you agreed to her staying?! What are you going to do when she inevitably criticises your parenting or your child? What DH going to do? What are you telling DD about who this woman is and why she doesn’t know her? I have no advice bar go away or tell DH to take her somewhere else. If you haven’t felt she’s a decent person to be around for 3 years and she hasn’t apologised for her attacks on its absolute madness to have her under your roof or another your daughter. I can’t imagine why DH thinks this will be anything other than a disaster.

I would be tempted to go away on your own and invite yourself to stay with a friend (without your DD) for the weekend and let them get on with it. Get a bit of a rest.
Do you plan on never ever ever speaking to her again or are you open to considering and possibly accepting an apology from her? That would be a big factor in deciding what I'd do next. What would you do if she kicks off again saying something like autism is made up and doesn't exist. Could you bear her to be in your house at that point and you possibly hiding in your room to avoid her?

I'd be civil but if she makes any comments about your daughter's ASD not being real and that she's just badly parented, I think you'd be well within your rights to tell her to fuck off imo. Sounds really shitty for you and I hope you can get through it ok💐

Why can't he visit her? I'd go away for the weekend, DH is capable of hosting, hopefully he's not expecting you to.

Bloody hell. I could have written this - my in-laws think our 4year old ASD son is just badly parented (by me, specifically) , and not the product of genetics

My FIL is an engineer that has folders of every coffee/ice cream/purchase on every holiday since the 90s, has printed spreadsheets for Christmas Day including how many carrots/parsnips per individual , wears the same outfit 365 days a year. Talks AT you about the physics of construction.

DH was a stimming hyperactive child “because of e numbers”. Nope, not genetics at all!!!

you have my sympathies and you are much kinder and more patient than me. I would avoid her at all costs

Oh wow that's a big jump from NC to staying with you! I would go with what@SalmonOnFinnCrisp said, keeping yourself (and potentially DD) busy with short tasks/activities so that DH gets the majority of the 'quality time' with MIL.

In fact I wish I'd done that 3 days ago when my own MIL was visiting!

Is DH on board to deal with it if she starts the ‘just naughty’ routine? He needs to be the one to answer that, not you.

Grey rick, be nice, imagine yourself as observing her through a telescope from a distance rather than needing to react / interact.

Be pleasant, friendly, nice, warm even.

But do not, DO NOT ever be alone with her, or alone with her and Dc.

This is your DH’s visit, he must be constant in his position on the front line.

It would be ideal if you could use it as an opportunity to take DD away for the night. DH gets time with his mum, you get some time with DD and neither of you are subjected to the rude nightmare staying at your house. Would that be an option?

You have certainly made a rod for your own back here by having her at all
In your home.

What does your h think about his mother visiting?. How is he in front of her; is he a man or a mouse who goes into child mode in her presence?.

People like his mother do not change and not surprisingly she has neither apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions,

And you agreed to this toxic woman visiting, because he has no contact with his dad?. Bad call. What were you thinking?.

Well it's DDs birthday so I was willing to give MIL another chance for the sake of maintaining some sort of relationship between DH and his family as none of the others have ever visited in the last 8 years we have lived away. I just wanted DH to not lose all contact with his family despite my own opinion of them. I never had an apology from MIL more of a "im sorry you feel that way". We are enroute to pick her up from airport now so will let you know how it goes. I will add when she has been out previously to visit I have always been "away with work" but each time DH has rung saying it's a nightmare, his mum is usually drunk, and/or crying saying she wants to go home. So I'm not optimistic about this weekend.
I don't take any s**t these days, I'm polite, civil but zero tolerance of any bad behaviour general family or otherwise. Any nonsense will be shut down.

each time DH has rung saying it's a nightmare, his mum is usually drunk, and/or crying saying she wants to go home

Yet this is how you want DD to spend her birthday. No words.

I think it was probably a mistake to invite her.

Good luck though! 💐

@AnneLovesGilbert yeh i see your point but this time hoping it might be different as we are picking her up and driving somewhere to stay in a hotel (separate rooms) and planned days out at specific places.
Obviously I'd prefer it if we never saw her again but after 3 years I'm willing to give her a final chance.

@Zempy yeh fair. I mean I didn't invite her. DH did. I think it will be a litmus test now anyway to see if she can behave. I am more hoping for DH sake, I know he feels isolated from his family but with good reason as they're mostly very toxic.

@Greyrock2828 - i think you’re doing a loving thing for your DH and you sound completely on top of protecting your DC. Hotel with separate rooms and busy days sounds like the best way to go about this. Good luck!

Your husband invited her to stay, in your home, despite knowing al of the history?

He had lost sight of where his priorities lie.

This is likely to be memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Despite your past experiences of her to the contrary you want to give her another chance also for the sake of your husband . This does remain a poor judgment call on your part. It is not down to you to maintain a relationship between DH and his family; that’s on him.

You perhaps come from an emotionally healthy family yourself but sadly not all relatives are nice and kind and his mother is full of hate for you.

All I can advise is that as sons as she kicks off, and she will, remove her from your home and take her back to the airport.

Do not serve alcohol.

Terrible judgment call on his part throwing you as his family under the bus in the process. It shows just how deep in the Fear Obligation and Guilt states he is re his toxic mother. He needs therapy like yesterday re her.

Many adult children of such poor parents fall into this trap of inviting the toxic relatives and he is hoping even now that she will change and or say sorry. It will not happen.