MIL coming to stay - not spoken for 3 years

[Greyrock2828]

MIL coming to stay and i haven't spoken to her for 3 years - still speaks with DH but we live far away and so she hasn't visited for a long time since we fell out. Alot of background which I won't go into. My 5yo has ASD, diagnosed at 3. Pre diagnosis I had been visiting MIL when she told me that DD didn't have ASD and it was in my head, and she was just very naughty and we poorly parented and I was the problem. Since diagnosis she still doesn't accept it and says DD is just naughty and badly parented. I didnt want her to come out but DH is no contact with his dad and his family generally don't make any effort to keep in touch with him so I wanted him to have a nice time with his mum.
Should I just grey rock all weekend. Most interactions with her previously have been hostile (her side not me) usually after she's had a drink (which she probably does have a problem with IMO).
Any advice on how to handle? We will be spending time together so unavoidable. Do i wipe the slate clean, see how far we get without trying to get along?

Good luck. It sounds as well set up as it can be and I think you are doing the right thing. Hope it is bearable.

The first time she wants to go home, get on and book her a flight!

She will no doubt kick off and if and when she does do not give her the oxygen. Leave her to it .

She can make her own way back to the airport if she behaves badly too.

No way would I tolerate anyone getting drunk in our home. My husband wouldn’t either.

She isn’t going to change and I can’t see why she didn’t stay in nearby accommodation such as an Airbnb and you net up with her only for lunch or dinner in public places. Perhaps a stroll around a park etc.

So she’s not staying at your house? You are all staying in a hotel?

At least it isn't in the home, it's in a hotel.

So if she's a nightmare the @Greyrock2828 can go home with the kids and leave her husband to deal with his mother

They're staying in a hotel

I wouldn’t be letting that toxic witch anywhere near my baby!! Suggest she can get a hotel or you and your child can stay with another relative or hotel.

Yeah, I missed that completely.

Leave dh and dd with her and go out. Then she can have a go at parenting herself. It might shut her up for good when she realises what an idiot she is for blaming you for dd's autism.

Let us know how it goes op. Hoping DH enjoys his mum and you and dd can still have a nice birthday celebration

I think its absolutely bonkers that you have put yourself in this position! I mean I dont know where to start! We had a family situation like this which erupted on Boxing Day between a sibling and a parent. I wasnt there fortunately but the fallout is absolutely monumnetal. I was very upset that a number of young children (nieces/nephews) were present due to the shouting and swearing that occured due to the distress. My older chidren werent presnt but I would have lost my sh*t if they had been and had witnessed such a toxic situation. Children should be protected and shouldnt be put in these kind of imposible situations which are inevitably going to end badly.

All I can advise is that you are prepared to walk away with your children from any situation, if she starts to behave badly.
Just tell the children to come and walk away without a word and after that, tell Dh he can deal with her.

So she isn't coming to stay with you this time, but you are all going to a hotel? It might work out better that way as you can retreat into your own spaces when things get a bit intense. We do this in my family when it comes to meeting up with one particular set of difficult relations, and it works okay. I wouldn't say we have a great time, but it is tolerable.

good luck - i think you need to have an agreement with your DH what you will do if she tries to chastise your child for being "naughty" etc. Discuss possible eventualities, and the consequences of them.

And yes, Grey Rock seems a good idea.

You are offering up your precious dd to appease an actual monster?? Wow.

What would happen if theres no alcohol in the house?

I tried not having booze in the house for my alcoholic mother, she just brought her own.

im a bit appalled that your Dh has organised this. Does he think it’s all just going to be fine?

Why the fuck is she STAYING with you? That’s insane

Honestly (similar boats here) you’re mad to have her stay and she will be a disaster

this is going to be a disaster and will totally break the relationship

if you’re not careful it will affect your marriage too.

accept her for who she is. Don’t expect her to change, or be the person you would like her to be.

Only if she’s allowed to throw the grey rocks… 🤣

The hotel plan was a good one. Hope she behaves herself.

Best of luck OP. It sounds grim. I've had difficult people come to stay many a time and I find it goes better when i lean in and just fake it. ... but this sounds almost impossible with someone who behaves as your MIL does.

I hope it goes a very great deal better than you fear

Please don't hang around if she says one single negative thing about your child, especially if your child is with you.

Terrible of your H to intentionally ruin your DD's birthday.

You are a good spouse @Greyrock2828 for even bothering with this but I think your idea of staying away and having days out is likely the best solution , hope it goes ok for your husband .