MIL coming to stay - not spoken for 3 years

[Greyrock2828]

MIL coming to stay and i haven't spoken to her for 3 years - still speaks with DH but we live far away and so she hasn't visited for a long time since we fell out. Alot of background which I won't go into. My 5yo has ASD, diagnosed at 3. Pre diagnosis I had been visiting MIL when she told me that DD didn't have ASD and it was in my head, and she was just very naughty and we poorly parented and I was the problem. Since diagnosis she still doesn't accept it and says DD is just naughty and badly parented. I didnt want her to come out but DH is no contact with his dad and his family generally don't make any effort to keep in touch with him so I wanted him to have a nice time with his mum.
Should I just grey rock all weekend. Most interactions with her previously have been hostile (her side not me) usually after she's had a drink (which she probably does have a problem with IMO).
Any advice on how to handle? We will be spending time together so unavoidable. Do i wipe the slate clean, see how far we get without trying to get along?

Yes this. Anything said to your DD, be as good as your word and shut it down.

She wouldn’t be stepping over my threshold until she apologised. Your dh needs to be on a united front with you on this. Your dd has a diagnosis and he should be sticking by you and your dd. She certainly wouldn’t be having contact with her. Is possibly think about going away with her. Mil can 🖕🏼

One advice for someone that has fallen out badly with in laws after kicking us out of their place twice and now we are getting along nicely. Don’t stay in the same house! From the moment they started visiting us from overseas but staying in an aibnb which gave both sides space, relationship got better!

The MIL is abroad, is flying in today, they are picking her up from the airport and going to a hotel for the weekend.

That's a hell of a lot better than having her in your own home, and I get a feeling that it will work out fine IF things happen go a bit pear shaped. You can retreat to your room, whereas that would be a bit more difficult in your own home.

I hope it works out and there is some meeting of minds - in a good way. I'll be interested to see how things pan out.

Tell her to stay at a hotel or air b&b. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. During the day, your DH can leave the house to see his mum.

edit - saw your update. Just stay at home and your husband can go out.

You’re a better person than me, OP. I’m nc with the in laws and currently DH is vlc. I’m sure this will increase for him but I’m resolved to no more.
it’s good that you have the hotel rather than your home.
I hope the visit goes well and your MIL is prepared to change but …..
if not I hope DH is on the same page as you.
its clear that you want the best for Dd and will act accordingly if MIL continues with her nonsense.

Absolutely this.
I’d be wanting to teach my child that they and their wellbeing are my priority before ignorant, emotionally immature, toxic family members but maybe that’s just me.

I'd go away and take your poor child away with you, however inconvenient

What are your plans if your MIL says to you and/or your DD that there is nothing wrong with her and she is just naughty? Will your DH stick up for his daughter or will he let his mum get away with her abusive behaviour?

I'd be worried about her ruining your DD's birthday.

Disaster.
I would never have mu children around such behaviour.
Utterly toxic and as far as I am concerned it is emotional abuse to expose children to such behaviour.
The first hint of any inappropriate behaviour you should remove your child.

Insisting on a relationship with toxic inlaws because they are family or grandparents is awful parenting.

It is not in your childs best interests at all.
Protect your child from chaos and confusion.

I am more hoping for DH sake, I know he feels isolated from his family but with good reason as they're mostly very toxic.

Including his mum!

So when you have been "away for work" previously, where has your daughter been?

Tbh I think that your husband should have tried this alone.

No real suggestions except for sitting DH down beforehand and making it crystal clear that he's not to do any vanishing acts and that it's his mother and he needs to manage her.

Not least he needs to be told that so much as a peep from her and it'll be the last time she'll be setting foot in your home (while you're there any way).

should have just let dh stay in a hotel with her-she wont change

Find out if she'd actually prefer to spend the time with her son and GC without you there? If so, to cancel make the most of it with some quality You time!

Nothing. They’re staying in a hotel.

As her MIL is coming to stay for OP's DD's birthday, I presume that OP will want to be with her DD on her birthday rather than leaving her with OP's DH and MIL. Why on earth would OP miss her DD's birthday to please her MIL who isn't even kind to her grandaughter.

Bit cheeky of her to be staying at yours when she doesn't even talk to you. I wouldn't want to feel uncomfortable in my own home so I'd be telling husband she can stay somewhere else.

Grey rock! That's nice. Really. Indeed. More tea?

They’re all staying in a hotel.

I mean… it would be terrible if you got covid or a gastric flu and were unable to go….

I would be making other plans and telling him it's really important he, MIL and DD make special memories together. You want them to be able to spend time together and you don't want to get in the way.

Hopefully she has had time to reflect and realises that she’s missing out on a lot and will up her behaviour and be civil.
As OP have said offer little or no alcohol and have a couple of things booked so that you can escape.

You know you can say no to her staying right 🙄 You need to be putting some boundaries with your husband and her, your home is supposed to be your safe space physically and metaphorically, your husband has completed violated that.

Good luck OP I could have written this exact thing 20 years ago, thankfully after I told her in no uncertain terms that she was wrong and we would not be visiting her ever again, I refused to see her and XH as he is now but were married at the time, backed me up on it.

He has since resumed contact since the divorce and the now adult DC maintain tenuous contact as XMIL is financially very generous to them, but they still haven't forgiven her.

To be honest we've all had a really nice day, everything has been fine, pleasant. She's not commented on DD ASD and to be honest DD has been on great form today - probably a fluke but I'll take it. Let's see how tomorrow goes. I think people can change and everyone deserves another chance. Being in a hotel has helped too.