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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Discovered something awful that my dead father did, should I share with my family?

227 replies

Black51 · 31/10/2025 18:50

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

OP posts:
DeftWasp · 31/10/2025 23:16

Yeswoman · 31/10/2025 23:11

Schools were inspected by HMI in the 50s, and there are loads of records about teachers

There was indeed a schools inspectorate, but no central register of teachers.

As a for instance, the head of the local secondary modern through the letters 40's to early 70's , who was much loved, very good head, Dr of modern languages from Oxford.

Although, shock horror, he wasn't, turned out after his death, he was an airman who spent most of ww2 in a POW camp, became fluent in French, German and Polish and made up a load of bull to land a job after being de-mobbed.

No one knew, because before the internet it was so much more difficult to check.

mumoftwo99x · 31/10/2025 23:16

I would definitely tell my brothers if I was in this position

Greenwitchart · 31/10/2025 23:18

''@Cinnamon77 · Today 20:27
Yep - can't see anything that could possibly go wrong with telling a woman probably in her 90s that the man she spent her entire adult life with, who has just died, was a paedophile''

You are missing the point entirely...

My concern would be that this woman knew full well what her husband had done, stayed with him and put her own children and the kids of other family members at risk with her silence.

You seem happy to gloss over that possibility, I am not.

gillefc82 · 31/10/2025 23:19

I would tell your brothers (you’ll get valuable emotional support from them, plus will be making them aware should they subsequently need to have any delicate conversations with their kids) and then you can collectively decide whether/how best to broach with your Mum. You shouldn’t be left carrying this burden alone.

As someone whose extended family has been devastated by SA between family members, not to mention as a HS governor who understands the broad and far reaching implications such a breach of trust has (not just for the abuse victims and their families, but also their friends/classmates, the school as a whole and the wider community of which it is a significant part), I would be giving genuine consideration to sharing what you’ve found with the police.

Whilst much time has elapsed, we sadly know that historically, incidents such as this were often swept under the rug or ‘quietly resolved’ by the school/education board etc so as to avoid a scandal. The police may well already be aware but equally there’s no guarantee that any proper investigation was ever conducted and there may be victims who have suffered all these years with no justice and no proper support.

Your father may have lost his career but those victims lost their innocence and their ability to have faith in those who occupy one of the most trusted positions of authority a society has. If I thought that even just the knowledge their abuser was now dead would in some small way help them to heal, I’d be doing everything I could to make it so.

Finally, I am sorry that you’ve discovered this revelation about your father. I can’t imagine the maelstrom of emotions you must be feeling finding out such an abhorrent thing about a man you have loved and thought you knew.

Iloveyoubut · 31/10/2025 23:25

KittytheHare · 31/10/2025 22:59

I’m so tired of these sensationalist opening posts, where the Op never returns. This one is particularly vile because people are sharing trauma they’ve undergone, and offering genuine sympathy.
I know the conventional wisdom is that even if the Op is fake, someone may benefit from the advice. But here, the premise is so outlandish (incredibly outing papers kept by her paedophile father for 70 years) that I cannot imagine the benefit of advice given outweighs the tedious and vile outlandish post.

I’ve been given ‘into trouble’ on here for saying exactly what you’re saying now. But I stand by what I said and I agree with you completely. What makes it very upsetting to me is that in many cases people are genuinley sharing their trauma and experiences in an attempt to help.

BanditoShipman · 31/10/2025 23:28

mindutopia · 31/10/2025 21:36

Having been in a similar position, though the person isn’t yet dead, but it was historical offences discovered after the fact, I think you need to tell them. I would want to know. I did want to know sooner than I was told. There were a lot of things that didn’t make sense and I thought I was crazy, until suddenly they did make sense. This may help the family put some pieces together to make sense of some things.

There very well may be someone carrying some pain that they can’t really give a name to and this might finally validate how they feel. It did for me. It was a horrendous thing to go through, but it meant I could finally give a name to some of what I’d gone through.

Totally beyond that, this is a horrible burden for you to have to carry and to feel like you have to carry it alone. You can’t turn back time and un-know. But shame lives in darkness and in secrets. I always think shining the light on something is better than burying it.

Edited

I could have written your post. We have been in what I believe is a very similar position, it really affects you. Some things that had always puzzled me suddenly made sense too x

@Black51 I would probably share with siblings and not mother. However, when we found out something v similar we’ve had to live with not knowing whether a female relative knew about their husband’s abuse of children AND DID NOTHING TO STOP IT WHILE LEAVING HER GRANDCHILDREN with him or whether she didn’t know. It’s ruined memories of two family members for us (both dead so can’t ask). It might be you have to talk to your mother for your own peace of mind

Bobiverse · 31/10/2025 23:28

TheQuirkyMaker · 31/10/2025 23:10

' I know he was your dad and this must be awful for you, but abusers are always abusers. They don’t just stop or change, especially if he didn’t have intensive therapy.'
That's the comment I was replying to. I guarantee he has stopped abuse as he is dead. He has absolutely stopped. Think about this. Do you think he needs therapy?

I’m sorry you seem to be struggling with reading comprehension but I really don’t know what else to say.

I was quite clear; I’d want to know so I could speak to my kids if he had access to them, because abusers don’t just stop and he had 70 years between his teaching ban and his death. So he had 70 years, and access to his kids and any grand kids. Because abusers don’t just stop, so he didn’t just stop.

Im talking about over the course of his life. Obviously. Some people on here… jeez.

”especially if he didn’t have”

Past tense. You understand? Past tense. If he didn’t have, if he didn’t stop. Over the course of his life. I really shouldn’t have to explain this.

BanditoShipman · 31/10/2025 23:30

Iloveyoubut · 31/10/2025 23:25

I’ve been given ‘into trouble’ on here for saying exactly what you’re saying now. But I stand by what I said and I agree with you completely. What makes it very upsetting to me is that in many cases people are genuinley sharing their trauma and experiences in an attempt to help.

I take your point re the op but @mindutopia ’s post helped me. It’s very isolating being in this position and knowing someone else had the same feelings as us gave me some comfort.

KittytheHare · 31/10/2025 23:31

Iloveyoubut · 31/10/2025 23:25

I’ve been given ‘into trouble’ on here for saying exactly what you’re saying now. But I stand by what I said and I agree with you completely. What makes it very upsetting to me is that in many cases people are genuinley sharing their trauma and experiences in an attempt to help.

I’ve been here a long time, and a while back troll hunting was the big cardinal sin. But now I think the site is being inundated with these fake posts. I’ve commented on lots of posts, making it obvious that I think the Op is fake and have yet to be censured by Mumsnet.
I don’t care if I am - I think this post is fake bs and wish people would stop expending emotional energy on it.

DeftWasp · 31/10/2025 23:34

KittytheHare · 31/10/2025 23:31

I’ve been here a long time, and a while back troll hunting was the big cardinal sin. But now I think the site is being inundated with these fake posts. I’ve commented on lots of posts, making it obvious that I think the Op is fake and have yet to be censured by Mumsnet.
I don’t care if I am - I think this post is fake bs and wish people would stop expending emotional energy on it.

If the OP is genuine, I hope they will be back, and tell us from which organisation the letters were from, and if a criminal conviction is in evidence.

KittytheHare · 31/10/2025 23:40

Well my tuppence worth is that the Op won’t be back, and the reason cynical posts like mine are allowed to stand is because Mumsnet is complicit/accepting of this AI crap.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 31/10/2025 23:41

Black51 · 31/10/2025 18:50

My elderly father died earlier this year. I have since discovered some official letters in his desk saying that when he was a young teacher he was banned from teaching due to sexually abusing some of his male pupils (in the 1950's). I have taken the paperwork away. Please let me know whether I should share this information with my mum and brothers, destroy the paperwork, or keep it private. I don't know what the best thing is to do here.

I'd destroy it. What's the point of sharing it at this point? The only thing that sharing it will do is to ruin your families memory of your Dad. You won't be hurting him, or getting justice for anything, you'll just be hurting them.

I'm sorry that your memory of your father has been tainted like this.

TheLivelyRose · 31/10/2025 23:45

If 70 year old papers we're captain an unlocked desk to be able to be found with ease. ..I d imagine your mother knew about it.

cleo333 · 31/10/2025 23:46

Tell you siblings . Tell the truth there’s already been enough secrets . The victims may come forward one day and you should be fully informed

MumWifeOther · 31/10/2025 23:51

You shouldn’t carry the weight of this on your own. It his burden, not yours. Everyone has the right to know and you don’t know who else might have affected by his actions. Let everyone see him for what he was.

DelilahDaffodil · 01/11/2025 00:00

Bobiverse · 31/10/2025 23:28

I’m sorry you seem to be struggling with reading comprehension but I really don’t know what else to say.

I was quite clear; I’d want to know so I could speak to my kids if he had access to them, because abusers don’t just stop and he had 70 years between his teaching ban and his death. So he had 70 years, and access to his kids and any grand kids. Because abusers don’t just stop, so he didn’t just stop.

Im talking about over the course of his life. Obviously. Some people on here… jeez.

”especially if he didn’t have”

Past tense. You understand? Past tense. If he didn’t have, if he didn’t stop. Over the course of his life. I really shouldn’t have to explain this.

Edited

@Bobiverse- I’m not sure why you feel the need to be quite so rude. I read your message in exactly the same way as @TheQuirkyMaker. Reading it again I can see that might not have we how you meant it but it really is ambiguous.

Bobiverse · 01/11/2025 00:03

DelilahDaffodil · 01/11/2025 00:00

@Bobiverse- I’m not sure why you feel the need to be quite so rude. I read your message in exactly the same way as @TheQuirkyMaker. Reading it again I can see that might not have we how you meant it but it really is ambiguous.

And another poster also corrected them. Because it’s quite clear. I laid out my reasoning, in a few posts, and it’s really obvious I’m not suggesting therapy for a dead man 🫤. How odd of you.

Christwosheds · 01/11/2025 00:09

I would share this with siblings. It’s not right for you to be the only one who knows, to have to go over this in your head, re-framing everything, while your brother has no idea. I also think it is wrong to keep a secret like this from a sibling. It’s slightly different with your Mum, do you think she may have known ? Was it long before they married, so she may not have any idea ? How old is your Mum ?
In your place I would share this information with my brother, secrets have a habit of not staying secret anyway, and it would be horrible for him to have not known while you do. Then together you can decide whether to discuss this with your Mum.
I am so sorry OP, it must be such an enormous and devastating shock. Think of having some help to unpick this and process it.

AlexisP90 · 01/11/2025 00:15

Its a tough one.

I dont think any good can come of it now but there is a possibility he has abused other family members...

I have been a victim of abuse by a relative. I kept it to myself for a long time. Until my early 30s when I finally told someone.
Honestly? For me I have mentally blocked it. If someone had come to me and said I found these papers that said XX and showed me them i probably wouldnt have admitted it happend to me and it would have probably bought back memories I didnt want to remember.
Sometimes victims dont want to be forced to remember or admit things. I know I would have denied it. I only told someone when I felt ready to talk about it.

Thats just my personal experience of it and of course every single human is different.

If I was in your shoes though, having had that experience, I would probably destroy them

Lavender14 · 01/11/2025 00:44

I'm sorry op, that is devastating to find out.

If it were me, I wouldn't tell your mother, at least not initially but I would absolutely tell your siblings because a) they may have been abused by him and b) if they are parents then their children could have been and its extremely important that they are empowered and made to feel safe to talk about this if it did happen to them.

I would also tell a counsellor to make sure you have some support with this and I'd have exploratory (not leading) conversations with your children if you have any. Be very gentle with yourself op this is a difficult thing to be left holding and its also difficult to predict how the rest of your family might react to this. I think it will be important to accept that you might all have very different reactions and all of those are valid there is no one right way to feel or process this.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 01/11/2025 00:44

ThisLemonHare · 31/10/2025 19:20

I would gently tell your brothers. It is a heavy burden of knowledge to carry alone.

This

Lavanderrose · 01/11/2025 00:52

Wow, there's a lot of terrible advice in these comments. OP, of course you should tell your family, abuse shouldn't be kept secret. We need to bring it into the light, especially sexual abuse. It also supports your family if any of them had been abused as well could help them to disclose if anything happened.

FiveShelties · 01/11/2025 00:54

KittytheHare · 31/10/2025 23:31

I’ve been here a long time, and a while back troll hunting was the big cardinal sin. But now I think the site is being inundated with these fake posts. I’ve commented on lots of posts, making it obvious that I think the Op is fake and have yet to be censured by Mumsnet.
I don’t care if I am - I think this post is fake bs and wish people would stop expending emotional energy on it.

I completely agree.

BreadandCircus · 01/11/2025 01:14

IdaGlossop · 31/10/2025 19:16

As he is dead, there is no danger of him doing anything to anyone's children.

Which is completely irrelevant to any harm he may already have done them, surely. My abuser has been dead for 30 years. It still affects me to this day.

TodaRythm · 01/11/2025 01:43

Ask yourself what exactly you would try to achieve by doing this, especially when they are still mourning him.