Wife wants a baby

[Hubby2]

Ok so. We have 2 children already, boy and girl, one of them has severe special needs that needs constant supervision.

The wife wants to have another baby but I think for the wrong reasons to help alleviate the pressure off other sibling. In short I feel like she was wants to use me to have another one not taking in to consideration how I feel I have tried telling her but she's so insistant on a third

I personally don't want another one because we're in a three bed house and the kids have their own rooms plus im getting older. And then on the other hand she is telling me she wants it in the next 18 months because she's getting older.

We are going through a bit of a patch for like 6months and it hasn't exactly went unnoticed by my older child. It's hard to know what to do and I have given wife more attention but I just want to be happy with her not used.

Have you considered a vasectomy? Take control of your fertility

Unless you both want a third there shouldn't be one. Sounds pretty hard work already tbh

Why should the other siblings feel pressured? Is she expecting them to be their carer. If so that's wrong. Not fair to rope another sibling into it either

I hope you’re using condoms if you’re having sex. Get a vasectomy.

Of course you shouldn't have another child if you don't want one. And if she really does and you can't agree, it might end the relationship. But I don't understand the concept of "being used" - that sounds weird and a bit icky to me. Unless you think she will only have sex iwth you if you agree to anothe rbaby.

Make sure your contraception is rock solid.

I would get the snip quitely. Having a third child would be disastrous for you. I would also point out to her what if that child was also severly disabled?

I know people with disabled children who have had a third, and usually the husband was against trying for a third (accidental pregnancy in most cases or twin pregnancy instead of singleton with second child (first disabled) although the wife did the majority of the childcare. I think having and wanting a third child is a very powerful instinct and your wife's instincts arent to be discounted out of hand...maybe she is feeling terribly unhappy and this gives her something positive to focus on?

As regards the third child taking the pressure off siblings from what I observe the answer is in the short-term the sibling gets less attention but in the long term there are advantages to having another sibling...maybe not material ones but emotional perhaps ?

Just go round calling her ‘the wife’ within her earshot. I’m sure that will solve the problem

Ahh that's not kind. My DP calls me "the wife" or "the mrs", there's no malice intended and i quite like it!

I think this would be really unfair on his wife. If OP is clear with her "No I definitely am not having a third child" then she knows where she stands - and she may choose to leave to pursue that possibility with someone else or alone.

If he gives the impression that he's OK with it and then no pregnancy happens due to a secret vasectomy, that's fucked up. She could end up putting herself through investigations for no reason.

Honesty is your best policy here OP.

Maybe do couples counseling to help you find. Compromise and deal with the feelings of resentment that the one who didn’t get their way will have

What’s her plan if this baby also had severe special needs and also needed constant care? Would you have time for both while giving your other DC what they need? I don’t think it’s fair on anyone but particularly your neurotypical child who could already be at risk of becoming a glass child. I don’t think it’s a good idea and that’s without your relationship issues.

You said no, so no means no.

Are you the one supporting everyone financially?

I'm not sure why you would feel used.

I'd work on the relationship together and see if you can both agree on a way forward.

Say no clearly, make it clear that you really don't want another child, and then it is up to her whether she leaves or stays.

Don't do anything in secret, that is unbelievably nasty. Keep on being honest & upfront. Then she has a decision to make.

Insist on condoms op.

I have never said seen a thread on here where the roles are reversed and the woman has been advised to have her tubes tied.

Mumsnet is batshit sometimes.

What exactly would a compromise look like in this situation? Having half a baby?

There is no compromise when it comes to having a kid. It's two enthusiastic yeses or it's a no.

You don't want another child so that must be that. There's no right or wrong here - it's personal choice and both parents should want the baby.

I second the posts saying use condoms now and/or get a vastectomy.

(out of interest - I think the reason you wouldn't see many posts here saying to a woman 'if you don't want a baby get sterilised' is that there are more options for contraception for a woman which don't interfere 'in the moment' - iyswim? A man taking control of contraception means being v careful and wearing condoms every time - which is a bit of a faff ...)

I also wanted to say it's better to stand your ground over this and allow your wife to come to terms ( or leave) than have the third child and the pressure/resentment once it arrives building and leading to a break up.

Tell her there are no guarantees that the third child with be born with no disability.

You've said that you've been going through a bit of a patch which suggests the desire for a baby is a sticking plaster. Be completely clear with your wife about no baby. Make sure you've not left room in contraceptive arrangements for an oops moment too.

@divorcinganabsolutewanker that’s because having your tubes tied is a much more invasive operation and women have generally spent the majority of the relationship being responsible for birth control.

I’d be very clear that you don’t want a third child OP. Then have a vasectomy.

I think you have to be clear, you are not up for a 3rd child. Maybe you could agree to discuss again in 12 months and see how things are with your other children and finances by then.
I was broody for a little while when DD2 was around 12 months but DH absolutely didn’t want any more, I knew he was right really and the broodiness passed for me and DD2 turned into a terrible toddler so I was really glad we hadn’t had a third!

It's because it is more complex surgery for a woman to have her tubes tied, requiring general anesthetic and all the risks that involves.

A man having a vasectomy is a couple of minutes with a local anesthetic.

Also there is still the whole misogynistic attitude towards women that we are "too young" that "your future partner may want a child" and "but if your child died you might want another one".

Basically it's vastly easier for a man to get a vasectomy that it is for a woman to be sterilised even if she's adamant she never wants kids and has been asking for a referral for the last 15 years 🙄🤦🏼‍♀️(well at 39 I could change my mind apparently -despite the fact I'm at this point perimenopausal...)