Wife wants a baby

[Hubby2]

Ok so. We have 2 children already, boy and girl, one of them has severe special needs that needs constant supervision.

The wife wants to have another baby but I think for the wrong reasons to help alleviate the pressure off other sibling. In short I feel like she was wants to use me to have another one not taking in to consideration how I feel I have tried telling her but she's so insistant on a third

I personally don't want another one because we're in a three bed house and the kids have their own rooms plus im getting older. And then on the other hand she is telling me she wants it in the next 18 months because she's getting older.

We are going through a bit of a patch for like 6months and it hasn't exactly went unnoticed by my older child. It's hard to know what to do and I have given wife more attention but I just want to be happy with her not used.

It sounds like you and your wife want the same thing. All the best.

OP too many posting on AITA about parents who have had additional children to use as surrogate caregivers for their siblings as a backup when the parents are unable to no longer take care of the special needs child. There has been too many postings about parents who have simply done it to make sure that they use this "spare" child as a backup for whatever their disabled child may need. Also, condoms CAN BE SABOTAGED. It doesn't sound like your wife will give up, as from what you're saying she's already grooming your daughter to be her backup. You need to make some hard decisions now for you and your daughter.

See there's something about the tone of replies like this that make me uncomfortable

They're almost spiteful.

It might be the most sensible option for him to have a vasectomy but it's a separate conversation not a condition. There's just something about the way it's being suggested on here that sound a little.bit too much like demanding he makes a sacrifice to compensate for her having to sacrifice a third child.

And whether he'd have another child in a new relationship should they ever split up is also irrelevant. Lots of people, men and women, go on to have a child in a new relationship after splitting up.

The only relevant point is that he doesn't think another child I their personal circumstances is a good idea and, tbh, I agree with him.

@GreyCarpet it's not a punishment to take control of your fertility and the obvious way to do it if you're a man is a vasectomy

Fully agree with JudgeBread (🫡 Your Honour).
I have seen several situations like yours, OP, where for very good reasons the husband has not wanted another baby, and somehow another baby has appeared, and it has always, always had a disastrous impact on the marriage.

It’s two enthusiastic yeses or a no.

You owe it to each member of your family to only do what you can commit to wholeheartedly. Couples counselling would be a way of making sure both you and your DW are really clear about where you both stand and are in a good position to make a decision.

I agree. But it's a separate conversation to the one he's posed here.

His decision to not have another child isn't conditional on him having a vasectomy.

Of course itnosjt a punishment but that's certainly the tone of some posts.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You really have my back. Words can not express my gratitude for not only listening but understanding.

I appreciate what you said about the versectomy and it is my choice which you can see but a lot of other think that's the answer.

Your support means so much, All that you said for me has been very touching actually and knowing that another person sees it like me is important. You are so kind.

Well don’t have the snip, but please be careful if she says shes on the pill or whatever. She would not be the first to trick a man into having another baby, obviously depending on how desperate she is.
i think shed being really unfair on you though and on your daughter, expecting her to watch him & look after him isnt giving her the childhood she deserves. She will become a glass child.

I mean, ‘tone’ aside, I am struggling to see why he wouldn’t actively want a vasectomy. If he and his wife do split, presumably he won’t want another child with a new partner, because the existing children (who are his reason for not wanting a third) will still be there and will still be his responsibility as a father.

I think a third child would be an absurd idea. I’m also not in favour of anyone being forced into having contraceptive procedures done. But a vasectomy does seem to be the quickest and easiest way to nip this in the bud. It’s certainly easier than relying on condoms indefinitely (unless he’s relying on his wife to sort contraception, which would be both unfair on her and probably a bit risky in the current situation).

Being a parentified child is scarring, by the way. It happened to me. Your wife sucks for even contemplating that as an option, OP. Children are people in their own right, not resources.

I am 100% with you op.

Sounds completely wrong to bring another child into this, and I totally agree that no siblings should hold responsibility for caring when they are older.

Time to put your foot down and explain it’s non negotiable. Maybe be open to marriage counselling to help her through her feelings.

I would also recommend using condoms and then discuss that you are considering a vasectomy.

I know lots of siblings share bedrooms but tbh I am with you about that as well. It has always been important to me that my kids have their own bedrooms, if only to minimise sleep disruption.

If I had to guess here OP I think your DW wants some more company when caring for your disabled DC. Obviously you need to work, it sounds like you do what you can but that means your DW is resorting to your other DC. I kind of get it, while neither of mine have extra needs some of us do find caring for children without other company lonely and harder work.

That said it does sound like your DD is being parentified here and if your DW has to ask for help from her so she can shower I don't see how your family can cope with another baby when you can barely cope now. Have you done all you can to fight (and I get that it's an uphill battle) for what support and respite might be available? It sounds like your wife needs more support here and she's looking for it in the wrong place.

And maybe he'll come to that conclusion on his own.

But some people have expressed on this thread that it should, essentially, be a condition of him refusing a third child with his wife.

He doesn't want to bring a third child into that situation. That is all. Why are people even talking about possible subsequent relationships? It's irrelevant.

Just an update I spoke to her about no more children completely ignored me so said wants third child or we split up that's what she told me. She's willing to give up 15 years together to pursue another child with someone else, probably for the best so I obviously can't give her what she wants

The hormones driving some women to want more babies is incredibly strong.

All you can do is research and discuss the practicalities of splitting, sharing care of the DC etc.

If you are still having sex ensure you are careful and fully responsible for not getting her pregnant in the meantime.

@Hubby2you say you won’t ‘have that procedure done’ if you mean a vasectomy, prepare for a new baby soon. You also say ‘obviously I don’t mind helping with the kids’
You are not helping they are your kids, you are parenting them.
You also complain age doesn’t get round to doing things in the house , have you ever stayed at home for any length of time on your own with your children?
It’s bloody hard, I’d rather be at work.

I'm sorry to hear that. But if you really don't want children, I agree with the PP that you need to start thinking about what separation and shared care looks like. good luck.

He feels as if she’s using him as a sperm donor and completely disregarding his very valid concerns.

Just read your replies. My advice would be to get a vasectomy asap before an ‘accidental’ pregnancy occurs. No sex without a condom until then and make sure they are ones that you’ve purchased. Your wife is delusional if she thinks she will meet someone new and have enough time to have a third child with them. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

That maternal side dealt with kitten or cat, far less hassle

I agree.

I actually know two families who have three children where the middle one is severely disabled. I'm one case, they are now all in their 40s-50s (my cousins) and the parents are in their late 70s. It's a huge help that there's two of them to share the responsibility of looking after their brother. It's easy to say when they're young that they "shouldn't have to look after a sibling" but that's not realistic is it? Most people are not going to wash their hands of a sibling in need.

Other family the children are all still little so who knows how it'll play out but I totally see the logic of having a third. It also allows the eldest the opportunity of a "normal" sibling relationship.

None of this is to say that OP should have a baby he doesn't want but I don't think it's an irrational wish on his wife's part.

But what if the 3rd child is also disabled? What a weight of responsibility to place on the one that is not!

You’re not being unreasonable for not wanting a third child even without a severely special needs child, considering a third is a huge decision.

It is not fair for your wife to justify wanting a third child so your non special needs child won’t have all the pressure of caring for their sibling solo. Also it is not guaranteed that your child will want to look after their sibling one day when you’re not here.

Your wife needs to think about what would happen if this third child had any additional needs, a healthy baby is not guaranteed. Also the strain it would put on you both as parents and also financially.

If you don’t want any more children book for a vasectomy. Take your contraception in to your own hands.

Yes all sorts of things can and do go wrong in life, we all just try our best.

I think your wife is handling this very badly, tthe bottom line is you both need to be in agreement if there is to be another child brought into the family.
She's trying to blackmail you, this is very stupid of her and you should not give in to her.
I would also advise you to take responsibility for contraception.