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Original poster

Wife wants a baby

86 replies

Hubby2 · 30/10/2025 14:38

Ok so. We have 2 children already, boy and girl, one of them has severe special needs that needs constant supervision.

The wife wants to have another baby but I think for the wrong reasons to help alleviate the pressure off other sibling. In short I feel like she was wants to use me to have another one not taking in to consideration how I feel I have tried telling her but she's so insistant on a third

I personally don't want another one because we're in a three bed house and the kids have their own rooms plus im getting older. And then on the other hand she is telling me she wants it in the next 18 months because she's getting older.

We are going through a bit of a patch for like 6months and it hasn't exactly went unnoticed by my older child. It's hard to know what to do and I have given wife more attention but I just want to be happy with her not used.

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 30/10/2025 23:33

What does she mean by "take the pressure off" the sibling?

Agree with others on the ensuring contraception is rock solid so there can't be an oops.

Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 06:59

CeffylCoch · 30/10/2025 14:41

Unless you both want a third there shouldn't be one. Sounds pretty hard work already tbh

Your right saying that and it is, I have stopped being on my phone giving her more time but the other day it was our daughter's birthday she was in the same room and earlier in the he day the wife apparently asked me for a hug but I didn't hear her.

So I'm unaware but afterwards she gives me the silent treatment she then talks about it in front of our daughter and I say to her you should not be doing that because I don't want it to impact on my daughter. So anyway after a while I explained to her you don't have to ask for a cuddle just give me one but to not make things awkward by not communicating telling me how she feels because before I used to keep my feelings to myself but it proved to much and was always putting her first now but now considering myself a lot more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 07:06

ThatWorthyAquaFox · 30/10/2025 14:41

Why should the other siblings feel pressured? Is she expecting them to be their carer. If so that's wrong. Not fair to rope another sibling into it either

Exactly what you said, I agree. I really don't think my daughter should be caring him because there is so much care that is required and I want her to have her own life and not be held back. The way I see it is that it should never be her responsibility. Thank you for listening I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Mumofsoontobe3 · 04/11/2025 07:11

Don't have another baby if you don't want another. We have 3 - all planned and wanted. It's not fair on you or the other children to have another baby if it's unwanted by one of the parents.

GreyCarpet · 04/11/2025 07:19

Don't have a baby you don't actively want.

Missey85 · 04/11/2025 07:20

As others have said time for a vasectomy

WhatNoRaisins · 04/11/2025 07:34

It sounds like there is a lot going on for your family right now and agree with PP that you need to be using protection and making your feelings clear.

Do you think your hearing is ok? Is it worth getting that tested if you aren't hearing your wife talking to you?

Marriage counselling is probably needed here and I wonder if your wife is grieving for the life that your disabled child won't get to have and wanting a new baby is a kind of sticking plaster. I don't know, I'm just a layperson, this needs working out with someone appropriate though.

Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 07:40

Nettleskeins · 30/10/2025 15:06

I know people with disabled children who have had a third, and usually the husband was against trying for a third (accidental pregnancy in most cases or twin pregnancy instead of singleton with second child (first disabled) although the wife did the majority of the childcare. I think having and wanting a third child is a very powerful instinct and your wife's instincts arent to be discounted out of hand...maybe she is feeling terribly unhappy and this gives her something positive to focus on?

As regards the third child taking the pressure off siblings from what I observe the answer is in the short-term the sibling gets less attention but in the long term there are advantages to having another sibling...maybe not material ones but emotional perhaps ?

This is also something that my wife says that she knows other mums that have had three but for me tell me if you disagree please.

So I have some concerns obviously what if they have disabilities that will have a major impact on me as I am responsible for the majority of the care needs during holidays and any of the three days im off. The wife doesn't go on days out with the kids without me so that's added pressure.

There has been times where she was invited out by a couple of mums and I'm just there ig you like just running around exhausting myself while she has a catch up so sometimes id rather stay home.

Next thing is pressure of our daughter, my wife ropes her in to helping with our son already with things she shouldn't be asked to do. Yeah she's a very responsible girl but she shouldn't have to clean up after him or babysit while the wife is taking a shower and he is very demanding but I will only occasionally ask.

Lastly probably not he financial and mental pressures it can be very tiring mentally and I really don't think I could cope with another one especially because I'm the only one working. I know money will be an issue so I'm trying to be responsible and look after what I already have.

I appreciate your input but I'm not sure how another child would make things better.

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 04/11/2025 07:45

So you can't really afford a third and your wife is already parentifying your eldest and wants another one to help care for the disabled child.

I think you know this is a shit show. You don't have kids hoping they will take the burden of your disabled child off you.

Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 07:47

ComfortFoodCafe · 30/10/2025 15:06

I would get the snip quitely. Having a third child would be disastrous for you. I would also point out to her what if that child was also severly disabled?

Edited

Her response is we'll cope which doesn't really give me much confidence. I feel a responsibility to my son that already has a disability not to take that attention away from him because he does not have any sense of danger/awareness. Not considered the other thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 07:53

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/10/2025 15:19

I think this would be really unfair on his wife. If OP is clear with her "No I definitely am not having a third child" then she knows where she stands - and she may choose to leave to pursue that possibility with someone else or alone.

If he gives the impression that he's OK with it and then no pregnancy happens due to a secret vasectomy, that's fucked up. She could end up putting herself through investigations for no reason.

Honesty is your best policy here OP.

Show quote history

She is very insistent on a third but I would never do anything behind her back but her talking about another child is quite off-putting to me, it actually causes me stress but I don't feel like I can do it all over again.

OP posts:
IfItsPink · 04/11/2025 07:54

You sound very level headed tbh. I think you need to be firmer with her (but with kindness, obviously). She should not be pressuring you if you’ve said no. That’s not fair. Yes it sucks if one wants another and one doesn’t…but it HAS to have both parents actively wanting this for it to work.

WhatNoRaisins · 04/11/2025 08:04

Personally I think having a third is usually a bad idea for families that don't have much support besides each other anyway.

Lurkingandlearning · 04/11/2025 08:17

Is your wife thinking long term as in when you both won’t be there for your child who, although adult, will still need a lot of care. That care often falls on adult siblings even if that only entails making sure their brother is getting adequate care fr agencies.

Perhaps she feels two siblings sharing that would be kinder than one having to shoulder it all. Or perhaps doubling the odds of him having a family member looking out for him.

Some people might think siblings shouldn’t care for each other, not their responsibility and all that. But there are many who couldn’t just leave them to it. Perhaps she feels another child might make life easier for all of them further down the road

Hbosh · 04/11/2025 08:24

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/10/2025 15:19

I think this would be really unfair on his wife. If OP is clear with her "No I definitely am not having a third child" then she knows where she stands - and she may choose to leave to pursue that possibility with someone else or alone.

If he gives the impression that he's OK with it and then no pregnancy happens due to a secret vasectomy, that's fucked up. She could end up putting herself through investigations for no reason.

Honesty is your best policy here OP.

Show quote history

I don't think anyone suggesting a vasectomy is saying to get a vasectomy and lie about it.
I think plenty of us know women who have secretly gone off birth control and say 'whoopsie, pregnant again', despite the husband being very clear in communicating he doesn't want a(nother) child. The idea of a vasectomy is mostly to avoid any 'accidental' pregnancies.
Of course he should tell her he's getting a vasectomy. But it's his body and his choice. She doesn't get a say in this. Either both partners want a baby, or the baby doesn't happen. If it were the other way around we would all encourage the woman to make sure her birth control strategy is solid.

Didimum · 04/11/2025 08:43

No one should be bringing a baby into this. Awful decision.

CrazyGoatLady · 04/11/2025 08:47

Some people might think siblings shouldn’t care for each other, not their responsibility and all that. But there are many who couldn’t just leave them to it. Perhaps she feels another child might make life easier for all of them further down the road

True - many siblings would care, but you don't bring a child into the world with that express intention for them, surely? And no guarantees the third child would be non-disabled.

Notrees · 04/11/2025 09:27

The wife could shower when you are there, unless you are unable to hear her when she asks for that favour as well. How much parenting do you do if your wife is having to rely on your daughter for that? Obviously, apart from when you have to run yourself ragged looking after your kids while the wife natters away at (frequent/infrequent) times when you've been invited out by other mums.

The talk of a vasectomy also seems to be falling on deaf ears. And there has definitely been one poster who said to do it secretly, which OP did notice and has thankfully objected to. No wonder the wife has to talk to her friends when she gets the opportunity if your selective hearing is on the blink. Off to the Dr's with you, you have much to discuss.

But no, you shouldn't have a child you don't want. You should openly take responsibility for that though by getting a vasectomy. You are the one that doesn't want any more kids. Unless you mean you just don't want anymore kids with her. If that's a marriage breaker, then that's what it is, unfortunately. You both have the right to choose.

Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 15:29

Notrees · 04/11/2025 09:27

The wife could shower when you are there, unless you are unable to hear her when she asks for that favour as well. How much parenting do you do if your wife is having to rely on your daughter for that? Obviously, apart from when you have to run yourself ragged looking after your kids while the wife natters away at (frequent/infrequent) times when you've been invited out by other mums.

The talk of a vasectomy also seems to be falling on deaf ears. And there has definitely been one poster who said to do it secretly, which OP did notice and has thankfully objected to. No wonder the wife has to talk to her friends when she gets the opportunity if your selective hearing is on the blink. Off to the Dr's with you, you have much to discuss.

But no, you shouldn't have a child you don't want. You should openly take responsibility for that though by getting a vasectomy. You are the one that doesn't want any more kids. Unless you mean you just don't want anymore kids with her. If that's a marriage breaker, then that's what it is, unfortunately. You both have the right to choose.

Edited

To clear things up the showers happen when I am at work, there's no issue with that when I'm at home. I work 8-6.30 4days a week plus commuting 90mins at the start and end of the day. I actually listen to her quite a lot but the issue is when I talk and communicate to her it really is about what she wants. And I don't have any issues with my hearing, that's beside the point it's about her behaviour when she assumed I heard her when I didn't in that moment.

So disregarding the majority of views I have I have always been very supportive and try to understand how she feels but she doesn't have that same level of being supportive with myself.

I don't discount anything she does I appreciate the work that goes into the house but she still finds time to watch soaps and neglecting other things around the house so by the time it comes to the weekend im sorting out what she couldn't get round to like washing or sorting out the fridge taking out of date things out of it, she has a habit of shoving things in cupboards so usually do that, childcare, obviously I don't mind helping with childcare. And I'm quite sure I wouldn't have kids with anyone else but I still would not get that procedure done.

OP posts:
CrystalSingerFan · 04/11/2025 16:59

DarkForces · 30/10/2025 14:40

Have you considered a vasectomy? Take control of your fertility

Yep.

Original poster
Hubby2 · 04/11/2025 19:07

IfItsPink · 04/11/2025 07:54

You sound very level headed tbh. I think you need to be firmer with her (but with kindness, obviously). She should not be pressuring you if you’ve said no. That’s not fair. Yes it sucks if one wants another and one doesn’t…but it HAS to have both parents actively wanting this for it to work.

I appreciate your support and advice. I think I will have to encourage her to be happy with what she already has. I do have to be firm and take that possibility off the table.

OP posts:
Notrees · 04/11/2025 22:30

Your list of what you do is minimal. If you consider running around after your kids when she occasionally chats to friends exhausting, but can't comprehend that she does that on a daily basis shows you have very little empathy for her. Also, they are your children, so you don't help with childcare, that's just your responsibility as a parent.

So the shower thing just seems bizarre then. Is she not to shower? What's wrong with your daughter watching your son when she does? Should he be left alone? Come into the shower with her? What's your solution? I can see your wife's pov as having a siblings that didn't have SN would mean she could have someone in the future to share the load with and have more of a typical relationship with. Although relationships are never a sure thing. I do mostly agree with you over cost, time, emotional energy and the risk of another child stretching you thinner than you already are now. But I think your empathy levels for your wife have taken a dive because she won't just comply. And you are probably getting overly defensive and picking holes as a result.

The answer still is a vasectomy though. Why would you not get it done? My husband chose to, he's still a very manly man. It doesn't effect his libido, ability to perform. Hasn't changed any of that. He was surprised by how little it hurt. So it's not as scary as it seems. He didn't want any more kids, and I did. So he took control of his own fertility. I still love him. I did and do respect his choice.

GreyCarpet · 04/11/2025 23:15

Comments about how (un)supportive people think he is are completely irrelevant.

He doesn't want a third child and his reasons are valid because they are his reasons.

And even if people don't agree, it doesn't matter because those are his feelings.

I find it bizarre that, on MN, people think its a woman's right ot have as many children as she wants regardless of any other considerations and it's simply a man's place to fulfill his obligation in providing them.

He doesn't want another child. That is the end of it.

Notrees · 04/11/2025 23:25

GreyCarpet · 04/11/2025 23:15

Comments about how (un)supportive people think he is are completely irrelevant.

He doesn't want a third child and his reasons are valid because they are his reasons.

And even if people don't agree, it doesn't matter because those are his feelings.

I find it bizarre that, on MN, people think its a woman's right ot have as many children as she wants regardless of any other considerations and it's simply a man's place to fulfill his obligation in providing them.

He doesn't want another child. That is the end of it.

Of course it is, so he should take the relevant steps to prevent him from having more children. If that's him truly done with kids. They both need to decide together whether they can stay together having those differences in opinion. It's no small thing.

The way he heroes himself makes me think that if they did spilt, he'd start another family. Making this whole thing nuts. That aren't chopped...

WallaceinAnderland · 04/11/2025 23:31

If you are certain that you don't want another child then tell her.

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