Short: My partner went to Rome, the one place I’ve dreamed of visiting, for a jiu-jitsu competition. He hid key details like the hotel and timing, then said “you didn’t ask.” I’m at home juggling everything, feeling heartbroken and increasingly controlled. I can’t tell if this is selfishness or something deeper.
I’m just looking for some advice, and maybe a bit of perspective.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to visit Rome. I mention it regularly. My partner knows this. I’ve spoken about it so many times, the history, the food, the atmosphere. It’s always been my dream destination.
He’s really into jiu-jitsu. He owns a gym and is away competing, teaching or training every evening except Sunday. He also works as an electrician. I’ve recently started working as a painter and decorator, which I love, but I fit it around our 4-year-old daughter’s school hours. I do about 90% of the childcare and everything else at home.
It’s half term, and I said I wanted to work a few days to earn some of my own money. He said no, he’s the “breadwinner” and so basically he believes he calls the shots.
He’s been planning for months to compete in the jiu-jitsu Euros in Rome. I said ages ago that he couldn’t possibly go and not take us — I’ve wanted to go my whole life. But as the date got closer, he started changing the story:
“I don’t know how I feel about DD missing Halloween.”
“Are you sure it’s okay for us all to go?”
“It’ll be hassle, it’s a jiu-jitsu thing.”
His mum was supposed to have our dog while he was away — it’s our first time leaving him. She’s quite disorganised, so I asked my partner (around six times) to confirm arrangements with her. He never did, even though he sees her every day. I have generalised anxiety disorder, which he knows about, and I was hoping he’d support me with the practical side of things.
I started to feel like he didn’t actually want us to come. Although he would say he did. When he doesn’t want us somewhere, it’s obvious — he becomes grumpy, miserable, and unpleasant, and past holidays have been ruined that way.
He told me the competition was an hour outside Rome, so I imagined being stuck all day with our daughter in the middle of nowhere, which is what it’s been like before. I told him he should just go and focus on his competition, and we could plan a proper family holiday there later.
Then, just before he left, he said:
“My mate’s on at 5 and wants me to corner him. I’m on early, so I’m going to pretend my phone’s died and go to the city.”
I was really confused. He’d never said he was on early, or that he’d booked a hotel in the city.
It turns out he’s staying in an expensive hotel right in the centre, with a pool, hot tub, spa, kids’ entertainment, and two minutes from all the sights I’ve always talked about seeing a balcony overlooking the city, you can see all the places that I had spoken about. He knew his schedule all week, and never told me.
When I asked why, he said, “You didn’t ask.”
When he competes in London, he always tells me his times because he knows it affects whether we go or not.
He’s already been to Italy once this month. He knows how much I’ve dreamed of Rome. When I got upset, he called me childish, told me to grow up and get over it, and said he “deserves it” because he works two jobs.
I asked him to book flights for me and our daughter to come now that we know those key details — they were around £800 total — and he refused, saying it was too expensive. He’s a high earner with large savings, so that’s not really true.
Meanwhile, I’m at home juggling everything: half-term entertainment, childcare, work, the house, the dog, no breaks, no help. I moved to the middle of nowhere for him, and he’s hardly home. He also tells people I’m unsupportive and paints me as difficult, even though I’ve supported every one of his competitions and constant travel.
I love running — it’s the only thing that’s really mine — but even that has to fit around him. I have no set evening to run, or morning. It feels like he controls everything: when I can work, when I can run, and even whether I’m allowed to take on more jobs.
Now he’s in Rome, staying in a lovely hotel two minutes from all the places I’ve dreamed of seeing, and I’m at home doing everything alone again.
I feel completely heartbroken. I can’t work out if this is selfishness, emotional manipulation, or something more controlling. How can he be in love with me and happily visit the place of my dreams without me knowing how much I do for him and our family. And he said, he deserves it, implying I don’t?
Has anyone been through something similar — where your partner drip-feeds information, dismisses your feelings, and makes you doubt your own reality?
I don’t know how to move forward from this.