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Original poster

Being misled for a decade now DP adds living in separate countries to the mix

91 replies

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:16

I have been with my DP for a decade. No DCs together. DP has 2 adults. There is a large age gap between us. When we met I expressed my needs, wants and desires and we were aligned. I was in a middle of a divorce from someone who suddenly did not want DCs. New DP agreed to a child and marriage (despite vasectomy, he promised reversal). 10 years on, no egagement, no reversal, no DCs. I have had employment challenges and decided to look for suitable roles abroad in my country of origin. DP is very excited about my plan and encourages me to move back to my country suggesting it will revive my career, I will be closer to my friends and family etc but my point is I am only thinking of going there because he is so avoidant about getting married with me and having a child. His narrative is very much around doing me a favour and supporting my dreams but my dream was having a family. The move abroad is only because I see no choice. DP is on a very high salary and he can wfh so he said he will be flying every week to see me etc and I can fly back here. I am being realistic no one will be flying each week, each of us would want to relax, meet up with people, just potter around, not catch a plane Saturday 6am. I told him he is letting me go gently and that he can actually say it without this charade. Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years, just companionship and convenience and I feel he is letting me go so he can say 'it was my decision'. He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good. I asked him if he doesnt take into consideration I may meet someone and want to have a new life. There was no answer. My view is he wants me out of his life, he is staging all this under false 'support', I move away, he returns to his marital home (he still owns the house he bought with his ex wife decades ago), his life gets back to a comfort zone. I wonder what would you think or do? Decade is a long time.

OP posts:
LastHurrahs · 28/10/2025 12:20

OP, this is a bit crazy. Why are you acting as if you have had no agency in your own life whatsoever? If you left your previous relationship because that partner wouldn't have a child with you, surely you realised that forming a new relationship with a much older man with adult children and a vasectomy was a poor decision? Why sit about for ten years in a relationship that wasn't meeting your needs? Isn't it time for both of you to move on?

yeesh · 28/10/2025 12:20

You have wasted a decade with him, don’t waste any more time on him. Life is short, go and be happy.

Jellybunny56 · 28/10/2025 12:21

I’d say that if he already had adult kids and a vasectomy when you met, realistically, this man was never going to have a baby and start again. A decade is a long time but if half of that has been spent unhappy, with no ties, I’m not sure why you stayed as long as you have if children were important to you.

Gassylady · 28/10/2025 12:21

A decade is a long time. Clearly you will never have marriage and children with this man. If you still want children and/or marriage it is clearly time to move on. Only you can decide if that is closer to your family and friends and with your own job already available. To be harsh he has been using you and will continue to do so if you let him.

Girlmom35 · 28/10/2025 12:29

You've wasted so much time already.
What's keeping you from just ending it right now? What are you still waiting for?
It seems as if you're more concerned with getting clarity on how much he's at fault, rather than just moving on with your life.

Original poster
pierot · 28/10/2025 12:30

I trusted him when he said he really enjoyed fatherhood and would like another child but subconciously I couldnt understand - if he enjoyed fatherhood why did he have a vasectomy? There was a time he told me I might be infertile and should find out first before he had gone for reversal so I did private tests which showed I was very much fertile. He did not comment on that at the time nor did he go for reversal. All obstacles I removed, he instilled new ones. As I am a woman of my words and honourable and he was always banging on about how correct and honourable he is, I simply trusted him.

OP posts:
Snorlaxo · 28/10/2025 12:32

Don’t make the decade 11+ years.

A decade is a long time but it sounds like you should have split years ago. You are right- this would be a timely way to end things.

Dweetfidilove · 28/10/2025 12:33

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:16

I have been with my DP for a decade. No DCs together. DP has 2 adults. There is a large age gap between us. When we met I expressed my needs, wants and desires and we were aligned. I was in a middle of a divorce from someone who suddenly did not want DCs. New DP agreed to a child and marriage (despite vasectomy, he promised reversal). 10 years on, no egagement, no reversal, no DCs. I have had employment challenges and decided to look for suitable roles abroad in my country of origin. DP is very excited about my plan and encourages me to move back to my country suggesting it will revive my career, I will be closer to my friends and family etc but my point is I am only thinking of going there because he is so avoidant about getting married with me and having a child. His narrative is very much around doing me a favour and supporting my dreams but my dream was having a family. The move abroad is only because I see no choice. DP is on a very high salary and he can wfh so he said he will be flying every week to see me etc and I can fly back here. I am being realistic no one will be flying each week, each of us would want to relax, meet up with people, just potter around, not catch a plane Saturday 6am. I told him he is letting me go gently and that he can actually say it without this charade. Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years, just companionship and convenience and I feel he is letting me go so he can say 'it was my decision'. He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good. I asked him if he doesnt take into consideration I may meet someone and want to have a new life. There was no answer. My view is he wants me out of his life, he is staging all this under false 'support', I move away, he returns to his marital home (he still owns the house he bought with his ex wife decades ago), his life gets back to a comfort zone. I wonder what would you think or do? Decade is a long time.

What do I think? You're not Snow White - you are awake, aware and have agency over your life.

What he's thinking or scheming is irrelevant at this point.

What do you want for the rest of your life?

HenDoNot · 28/10/2025 12:34

The first 5 years is on him, he led you on, future faked you.

The last 5 years is on you. No intimacy… not withstanding the vasectomy how on earth did you think you’d eventually concieve children with this man?

Who cares if he claims to himself and others that it was your decision to end things?

You’ve literally wasted 5 years,only you can be responsible for how many more years you waste.

Original poster
pierot · 28/10/2025 12:34

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

OP posts:
Aimtodobetter · 28/10/2025 12:36

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:34

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

Do you really need to ask this? This guy will never give you what you seem to want from a relationship.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/10/2025 12:36

@pierot clearly OP he now realises it’s now or never and just doesn’t want the same things, so thinks it will be easier to just put distance in the mix and let it fade out - rather than the usual ‘unpleasant’ ending of relationships- doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you or care about you but I think deep down he doesn’t want the tie or cost of a young family

SkipAd · 28/10/2025 12:37

I would feel that he just wasn’t that into me.

Jellybunny56 · 28/10/2025 12:37

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:34

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

He’s not your partner OP, he never was.

Your relationship has been dead for the last 5 years, why would he be thinking of marriage? He’s had a vasectomy, adult kids, and no intimacy for the last 5 years anyway, were you hoping for an immaculate conception?

Chazbots · 28/10/2025 12:38

Why do you want to marry someone who doesn't shag you?

Why are you trying to "fix" him?

Get on with what you want to do.

LastHurrahs · 28/10/2025 12:38

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:34

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

I think you're asking the wrong question. He's clearly never going to marry or have a child with you, but surely you've realised that years ago, if he's never reversed his vasectomy and you haven't had sex in five years?

It's completely irrelevant what or who initiated the move. Just embrace your new life, and, if you still want marriage and/or a child, go and find someone who shares those priorities. You've wasted enough of your time on your current partner and the one before.

Katiesaidthat · 28/10/2025 12:38

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:16

I have been with my DP for a decade. No DCs together. DP has 2 adults. There is a large age gap between us. When we met I expressed my needs, wants and desires and we were aligned. I was in a middle of a divorce from someone who suddenly did not want DCs. New DP agreed to a child and marriage (despite vasectomy, he promised reversal). 10 years on, no egagement, no reversal, no DCs. I have had employment challenges and decided to look for suitable roles abroad in my country of origin. DP is very excited about my plan and encourages me to move back to my country suggesting it will revive my career, I will be closer to my friends and family etc but my point is I am only thinking of going there because he is so avoidant about getting married with me and having a child. His narrative is very much around doing me a favour and supporting my dreams but my dream was having a family. The move abroad is only because I see no choice. DP is on a very high salary and he can wfh so he said he will be flying every week to see me etc and I can fly back here. I am being realistic no one will be flying each week, each of us would want to relax, meet up with people, just potter around, not catch a plane Saturday 6am. I told him he is letting me go gently and that he can actually say it without this charade. Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years, just companionship and convenience and I feel he is letting me go so he can say 'it was my decision'. He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good. I asked him if he doesnt take into consideration I may meet someone and want to have a new life. There was no answer. My view is he wants me out of his life, he is staging all this under false 'support', I move away, he returns to his marital home (he still owns the house he bought with his ex wife decades ago), his life gets back to a comfort zone. I wonder what would you think or do? Decade is a long time.

Stop flogging a dead horse...

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 28/10/2025 12:39

Partner? Don't you mean room mate? Book that flight and block him at the airport..

CharlieKirkRIP · 28/10/2025 12:39

He wants you gone but without the cost of a divorce.

Original poster
pierot · 28/10/2025 12:39

No I was not hoping for immaculate conception - he suggested I spend my divorce money on IVF since I want a child. I said I thought 'we wanted'. He thought if we go IVF I pay, I take injections and he doesnt have to go through the hassle of the reversal.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 28/10/2025 12:39

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:34

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

You're being distracted. He hasn't been excited about you or the relationship for some time now.
You need to focus on making an independent decision that benefits you now - whether that's moving away and starting afresh, or wasting more years in this relationship.

saqiatf · 28/10/2025 12:40

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:34

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

He’s at a different stage of life than you. He’s older, has children, he wants an adventure. The vasectomy should have told you everything you needed to know. You’ve been a tad foolish here, time to move on.

outerspacepotato · 28/10/2025 12:40

You wanted children, but you stuck around for the high earner lifestyle.

The end.

This is it. He doesn't want you around any more. He had a vasectomy. He never got it reversed. You weren't misled. You chose to stick around knowing he couldn't have kids and he did nothing to change that. Talk's cheap and you believed that rather than his actions.

NokiaRock · 28/10/2025 12:42

He sounds like a complete bullshitter and he’s already wasted a decade of your life talking but never doing. Don’t waste any more years on this loser. He is never going to give you what you want.

StewkeyBlue · 28/10/2025 12:43

How old are you OP?

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