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Original poster

Being misled for a decade now DP adds living in separate countries to the mix

91 replies

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:16

I have been with my DP for a decade. No DCs together. DP has 2 adults. There is a large age gap between us. When we met I expressed my needs, wants and desires and we were aligned. I was in a middle of a divorce from someone who suddenly did not want DCs. New DP agreed to a child and marriage (despite vasectomy, he promised reversal). 10 years on, no egagement, no reversal, no DCs. I have had employment challenges and decided to look for suitable roles abroad in my country of origin. DP is very excited about my plan and encourages me to move back to my country suggesting it will revive my career, I will be closer to my friends and family etc but my point is I am only thinking of going there because he is so avoidant about getting married with me and having a child. His narrative is very much around doing me a favour and supporting my dreams but my dream was having a family. The move abroad is only because I see no choice. DP is on a very high salary and he can wfh so he said he will be flying every week to see me etc and I can fly back here. I am being realistic no one will be flying each week, each of us would want to relax, meet up with people, just potter around, not catch a plane Saturday 6am. I told him he is letting me go gently and that he can actually say it without this charade. Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years, just companionship and convenience and I feel he is letting me go so he can say 'it was my decision'. He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good. I asked him if he doesnt take into consideration I may meet someone and want to have a new life. There was no answer. My view is he wants me out of his life, he is staging all this under false 'support', I move away, he returns to his marital home (he still owns the house he bought with his ex wife decades ago), his life gets back to a comfort zone. I wonder what would you think or do? Decade is a long time.

OP posts:
Itwouldbesonice · 28/10/2025 14:16

It’s a shocking story. Why would you pick a man to have children with who has had a vasectomy and doesn’t want sex? And stay with him for ten years!! Move abroad and do not expect him to move with you. He doesn’t want to and you need to call the whole thing off.

TheBewleySisters · 28/10/2025 15:30

If you had agreed to the IVF, was he ok with you using donor sperm - cos obviously he can't donate any.

AuntieDolly · 28/10/2025 15:37

Just dump his sorry arse and move on

UpDownAllAround1 · 28/10/2025 15:42

Well all a bit weird but you now know

Helpmefindmysoul · 28/10/2025 15:42

A few posters have asked your age but you’ve not yet responded. If you are still of child bearing age then leave him and start a new chapter and hopefully you’ll meet someone who is able to share your dream to have children. The rest of what you’ve posted about your current partner is irrelevant, you don’t have a shared goal for the future.

Original poster
pierot · 28/10/2025 15:51

IVF he was offended when I mentioned a sperm donor. He thought he could have his sperm taken directly from him into my egg and paid for.
As for my age I am 40+ with a relatively good egg count still.

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 28/10/2025 15:55

Take what you can from him, money, a lift to the airport, and block him the moment you get on the plane.

If you definitely want children and you can afford it, go down the sperm donor route and do it alone. Better alone than with a waste of space man.

Uricon2 · 28/10/2025 16:01

Op, a 60+ man who has delayed having his vasectomy reversed for the 10 years he's been with you (and it sounds like it was done long before that) is very unlikely to be the most fertile if he has it done, before even getting to the part where he doesn't have sex. This is a non relationship anyway and not one to bring a child into even if by some strange occurrence you ended up pregnant by him.

Do yourself a favour, go abroad, start anew.

Loubelou71 · 28/10/2025 16:09

I think he's relieved because the pressure is off. I think you'll drift apart and probably he doesn't want the same things so his excitement is because he won't have to worry anymore.

TheendofmrY · 28/10/2025 16:18

You’ve got a lot of good advice here OP and absolutely all of it singing from the same hymn sheet.

TalulahJP · 28/10/2025 16:19

You go and be happy.

Leave him behind. If you choose to let him visit it’s up to you.

If you want a baby and can afford one you need to crack on yourself.

It’s your life. Go live it. Youre free. No more of his nonsense. All the best OP. You can do this.

Original poster
pierot · 28/10/2025 16:23

I feel I need to clarify as there seems to be a bit of misunderstadning if you did not read all my posts here - he wants to join me in the other country. He wants to live in both. I suspect it has a lot to do with control.

OP posts:
Original poster
pierot · 28/10/2025 16:24

He told me he has no confidence I would go and live in my country. I felt it is a nasty thing to say to put me down and chip at my confidence.

OP posts:
ButtonMushrooms · 28/10/2025 16:32

OP, stop telling us what he says and what he wants. What do YOU want?

Ontheedgeofit · 28/10/2025 16:32

pierot · 28/10/2025 12:39

No I was not hoping for immaculate conception - he suggested I spend my divorce money on IVF since I want a child. I said I thought 'we wanted'. He thought if we go IVF I pay, I take injections and he doesnt have to go through the hassle of the reversal.

Who would provide the paternity of your ivf child? Donor?

Ontheedgeofit · 28/10/2025 16:34

pierot · 28/10/2025 15:51

IVF he was offended when I mentioned a sperm donor. He thought he could have his sperm taken directly from him into my egg and paid for.
As for my age I am 40+ with a relatively good egg count still.

Just read this update. My husband also thought sperm extraction would be easier and less invasive than a vasectomy reversal … Tell your DP my DH has some news for him 😂😂😂

Uricon2 · 28/10/2025 16:34

pierot · 28/10/2025 16:23

I feel I need to clarify as there seems to be a bit of misunderstadning if you did not read all my posts here - he wants to join me in the other country. He wants to live in both. I suspect it has a lot to do with control.

Well, if you even suspect that, why would you go along with his wishes?

WatchingTheDetective · 28/10/2025 16:36

You've posted about this man recently, haven't you?

You have wasted TEN YEARS of your one precious life with this lying, manipulative prick. Don't waste another minute.

I could go into detail about how he wouldn't travel to see you, etc etc, but there's no point. The relationship has always been uneven and now he's killed it off.

Well, that's a good thing for you. He's like a huge boulder around your neck - you will feel amazing once you make the break.

HalloweenCrow · 28/10/2025 16:39

pierot · 28/10/2025 16:23

I feel I need to clarify as there seems to be a bit of misunderstadning if you did not read all my posts here - he wants to join me in the other country. He wants to live in both. I suspect it has a lot to do with control.

I did actually read all your posts and no, that wasn’t clear at all.

Frankly you sound as jumbled as he does (at least as you tell it), and I don’t know why you posted.

It’s all a bit Liz Jones and the rock star.

strawgoh · 28/10/2025 16:39

Just leave him. Don't tell him your plans. Find somewhere else to live, and go.

FrauPaige · 28/10/2025 16:46

@pierot Yes, he is letting you down gently (for the last 5 years, it seems) and is saying whatever it takes for you to get on the plane back home - "Yes, I support your career!" "Yes - I'll visit!" "Yes - I'd like to live there too!" But once you are there, nothing will materialise.

Just take the hint, forget this dormant relationship, and move on with your life. You've been deceived but you have now realised that. Move on.

nixon1976 · 28/10/2025 16:51

Oh OP, you are totally focussing on the wrong thing. Do you want a child? (you won't have one with him). Do you want a loving, supportive, fulfilled relationship? Then leave - go overseas if you want - and live your own life. He sounds horrendous. You've given 10 years of your life and - sorry to say - most likely your fertility to him. You don't have any time to lose if you want the chance of having a child. You're over 40 - yes, it happens for some women after 40 but for many many many it sadly doesn't.

Sassylovesbooks · 28/10/2025 17:10

Realistically at the time you met, it was unlikely he'd want children, considering he already had 2 and a vasectomy. He's older too, so throw that into the mix, and you were naive to think children would ever happen. He's divorced, still owns a home with his ex-wife and after 10 years there's still no sign of an engagement ring, let alone marriage. Yes, he's letting you go gently, regardless what he might say. Neither of you are going to be flying to see each other every weekend. Personally, I'd end the relationship and be done with it. He's never going to give you want you want or need. He's essentially future faked you for a decade.

ozarina · 28/10/2025 17:17

He's not interested in a future with you. Sorry.

ChristmasFluff · 28/10/2025 17:24

I don't understand why you keep on detailing all the negative things about him, yet won't decide to end the relationship. It's as though this is a game you want to win, rather than a partnership. In fact, the partnership ended about 5 years ago, and all that's left is the game. The only way you can 'win' is to walk away, because if you stay involved with him, you lose.

He's manipulative - so end the relationship. He always turns things back on you - so end the relationship. He makes everything into your fault - so end the relationship.

It's already dead. So end it.