Being misled for a decade now DP adds living in separate countries to the mix

[pierot]

I have been with my DP for a decade. No DCs together. DP has 2 adults. There is a large age gap between us. When we met I expressed my needs, wants and desires and we were aligned. I was in a middle of a divorce from someone who suddenly did not want DCs. New DP agreed to a child and marriage (despite vasectomy, he promised reversal). 10 years on, no egagement, no reversal, no DCs. I have had employment challenges and decided to look for suitable roles abroad in my country of origin. DP is very excited about my plan and encourages me to move back to my country suggesting it will revive my career, I will be closer to my friends and family etc but my point is I am only thinking of going there because he is so avoidant about getting married with me and having a child. His narrative is very much around doing me a favour and supporting my dreams but my dream was having a family. The move abroad is only because I see no choice. DP is on a very high salary and he can wfh so he said he will be flying every week to see me etc and I can fly back here. I am being realistic no one will be flying each week, each of us would want to relax, meet up with people, just potter around, not catch a plane Saturday 6am. I told him he is letting me go gently and that he can actually say it without this charade. Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years, just companionship and convenience and I feel he is letting me go so he can say 'it was my decision'. He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good. I asked him if he doesnt take into consideration I may meet someone and want to have a new life. There was no answer. My view is he wants me out of his life, he is staging all this under false 'support', I move away, he returns to his marital home (he still owns the house he bought with his ex wife decades ago), his life gets back to a comfort zone. I wonder what would you think or do? Decade is a long time.

You are asking the wrong questions. It isn’t why does he x, y and z but rather why you stick around when surely deep down he will never meet your wants.

The brutal truth is you have prioritised a relationship with a twat who sucked you in with promises, he had no intention of keeping. Trying to figure him out is you distracting yourself from the fact that you have wasted the last ten years with this abusive twat.

You have an opportunity to start afresh, grab it with both hands and stop wasting your time with this twat.

He is 60 years old, has had a vasectomy and he has two adult children. He doesn't want any more children, not with you and not with anyone. Frankly I don't blame him at his age. You also haven't had sex with him for 5 years. He will not be joining you abroad. He is hoping you will go quietly and then he can say you ended things. I don't know how many more clues you need that this relationship is over and I don't understand why you would want to drag this out. What are you hoping to achieve?

Honestly, this isnt is fault. It's yours! No intimacy for FIVE YEARS? Are you even still able to have kids? This has to be one of the most absurd posts I've ever seen on this site.

No, I think you are misunderstanding. He does not want to have children with you. He has had a vasectomy, he hasn’t had it reversed despite being in his 60s and he does not have sex with you. However, you want to have children and are in your final years (if that) of it being possible.

100% this.

He’s been telling you loud and clear for years that you really don’t matter to him, you’re just a convenience.

Hrs waving huge red flags right in your face and you’re focusing on the wrong things and ignoring the signs.

You’re still young OP - take the job, move home, start fresh

This goes some way to explain the incredible strangeness of your position. This man - not your DP, properly speaking - has spent ten years training you to divine his wants, needs and thoughts, to anticipate his moods and to feel responsible for his feelings.

It's actually impressive that you've resisted as much as you have, little though it may be. Relationships like this leave no mental or emotional space for yourself. It's even normal to forget what foods you like or where you interests lie (been there!) so you have actually done well to hold true to your desire for children and to progress your career move.

You know what? It doesn't matter what he thinks, wants, feels, or what his intentions now are. It doesn't matter at all. That's for him to sort out for himself. You aren't his proxy or an extension of him, you're an individual with a promising career opportunity, a new life beckoning, and the ability to have a child by yourself while you have time.

Respect that individual - the person YOU are, the marvellous woman with a mind and a life of her own. Break free. Go for it. Discover yourself, and love doing it!

If you cant work it out - no matter what words are said here......

I am going to add something here just to show how utterly stupid I am. In a decade we spent Christmas together 2x. The rest was me going abroad and him being here with his folks. Because I work over Christmas this year, once I knew my days I suggested we spend 25th together (2 of us) and the boxing day with his folks and I (due to work) will not go abroad to see my elderly Mum. He yelled at me that I ruined everybodys Christmas. This is not true as nothing was set in stone and he alwasy books a meal at a restaurant, they all go and that is it. There is never anything special and magical about their Christmas. He yelled at me that now he has to dissapoint everyone telling them we all going to meet on 26th rather than 25th because of my preference. I was shocked because what he did not acknowledged was I was not being with my DM, away from my family and I am working so naturally wanted the 2 of us on the 25th and Boxing day with his family. He sees them every weekend anyway.

Honestly you've just spent 10 years being a fool and it gets to the point where you have to ask yourself why you’ve put up with it? Not him, you. You're not a prisoner.

OP, two questions. First, in what ways do you think you are currently in a relationship with this man? Second, why do you want to continue to be in this ‘relationship’?

My relationship would be considered non-standard by lots of mumsnetters, so I don’t think you have to be married or cohabiting to have an ‘proper’ relationship and call someone your partner. But if you’re not having sex, you don’t make long-term plans with the other in mind, and at least one of you doesn’t even seem to like the other, in what ways are you a couple?

I was shocked because what he did not acknowledged was I was not being with my DM, away from my family and I am working so naturally wanted the 2 of us on the 25th

You were shocked that he didn't acknowledge your feelings? You've had ten years of him making it crystal clear he isn't interested in you as a person, doesn't care whether you have any feelings, and is annoyed if anything you do interferes with his plans. It's astonishing that you somehow expect a show of consideration after all this time.

Can you see that it's a mystery why the pair of you are together? You don't even have sex. He doesn't like you and you're unhappy. You're both enormously dysfunctional and one can only assume you feed each other's dark sides. Sounds like you have a good therapist, I'm sure s/he has something to say on that.

Analyse it in depth later ... after you've moved out, got your new job, settled in the new place, and are free to be your self.

OP, why would you want such an abusive man to be the father of your child? He is a terrible partner and awful father already. Think about what a child would need, not just your desire to have one. This is not a situation to being a child into.

Clearly his family matter more to him than you - he has now got to the point in life he wants’routine and habit’ honestly OP, this might have worked 10 years ago but clearly now it doesn’t - he’s turning into a grumpy older man , rather than a dashing ‘mature’ suitor - and basically you have let your best years for having children and marriage etc sail past - personally I think you’ve swerved a bullet if you get out now. As others have said I would make sure you have cash, start a new job, smile sweetly and block him on landing !!

OP: you ask what I would do:
1 . I would leave him straight away.
Because he has lied to you, been emotionally abusive, manipulated you, and is still doing so. Why are you paying any attention to what he says or wants?

He shouts at you, gaslights you, you tiptoe about on eggshells, you have no relationship, doesn’t spend Christmas with you, and you have no sex life. So yup, I would terminate the relationship, now.

2 . I would look at donor arrangements to try and get pregnant if having s child is still of driving importance to you. And you could support a child as a single parent.

YOU have to take control of your life. Throwing up your hands at how someone else has failed to give you what you want and how badly they have behaved will not magically change them or cause them to give you what you want. Stop protesting about his awfulness , Take back control.

You're over 40 and have no more time to waste. Do this in this order

1. Book yourself into a donor insemination clinic ASAP
2. Block this guy and just don't waste any more of your life interacting with him

Yes I agree with this post .

How old are you ?

Tbh you've wasted those five years and that is on you .
I'm wondering if you've had you head turned by being in a relationship with someone wealthy , and that has made you stay .