Being misled for a decade now DP adds living in separate countries to the mix

[pierot]

I have been with my DP for a decade. No DCs together. DP has 2 adults. There is a large age gap between us. When we met I expressed my needs, wants and desires and we were aligned. I was in a middle of a divorce from someone who suddenly did not want DCs. New DP agreed to a child and marriage (despite vasectomy, he promised reversal). 10 years on, no egagement, no reversal, no DCs. I have had employment challenges and decided to look for suitable roles abroad in my country of origin. DP is very excited about my plan and encourages me to move back to my country suggesting it will revive my career, I will be closer to my friends and family etc but my point is I am only thinking of going there because he is so avoidant about getting married with me and having a child. His narrative is very much around doing me a favour and supporting my dreams but my dream was having a family. The move abroad is only because I see no choice. DP is on a very high salary and he can wfh so he said he will be flying every week to see me etc and I can fly back here. I am being realistic no one will be flying each week, each of us would want to relax, meet up with people, just potter around, not catch a plane Saturday 6am. I told him he is letting me go gently and that he can actually say it without this charade. Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years, just companionship and convenience and I feel he is letting me go so he can say 'it was my decision'. He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good. I asked him if he doesnt take into consideration I may meet someone and want to have a new life. There was no answer. My view is he wants me out of his life, he is staging all this under false 'support', I move away, he returns to his marital home (he still owns the house he bought with his ex wife decades ago), his life gets back to a comfort zone. I wonder what would you think or do? Decade is a long time.

Come on, he decided he didn't want another kid before he'd even met you. He doesn't even want to shag you when there's no chance of you getting pregnant and doesn't give a shit that you're emigrating.

Why are you so desperate for a bloke who sounds like you were an amusing little pet to pretend that he gives the slightest shit about what you want?

Does he want you to use donor sperm?

Your first post is correct I think. Time to move on. I hope you meet someone worthy back in your homeland and can have the family you want. You won't get it with him.

You can enjoy parenthood and still not want to start from scratch!

OP maybe at first he led you on, maybe at first he thought he might truly want to start again, but as time passed realised he was happy with adult children.

If your first divorce was because your husband suddenly decided he didn't want children, why on earth have you stayed with this man for 10 years?? And especially in a sexless relationship?

Of course he’s excited for you to move to another country. He’ll be much more likely to be able to have sex again. Just not with you.

He’s made empty promises before. He’s not going to fly out to see someone he’s had not physical relationship with for 5 years.

Stop believing what this man says. It’s over. Move on with your life.

Ffs OP! Give your head a wobble!!

This was never, ever, going to end in marriage and children. Ever.

There is no relationship here.

You aren't married, engaged, no children and no sex.

You are simply two people who know each other.

No idea why you waited so long expecting things to change but glad you are getting out of this messed up situation now.

You seeking jobs abroad and a return to your family seems like the perfect impetus to end the relationship. A clean break, a fresh start, the opportunity to decide what’s important to you in the future. I imagine he’s positive about it for exactly that reason. He knows the relationship is over in all but name, it’s not good, you haven’t had sex in years, you don’t want the same things, this is the perfect way, in his mind, for what sounds like two very avoidant people to separate naturally once you’re physically apart without either of you having to actually address it or it having to be talked about in other terms.

He actually said he feels us living in separate countries would do us good.

😂Oh god I'm so sorry OP. I know this is your life but come on. This is actually fucking insane.

Our relationship is not good, no intimacy for over 5 years

Well this says it all. You don't have a good relationship and you don't have sex. So what exactly are you trying to save?

I just want to know how others would feel about their partner's excitement around you being moved abroad but no excitement about marriage and or child.

Your partner is excited about you moving away from him to another country. What more is there to say?

You haven’t had sex in five years so it doesn’t sound as if it matters where in the world you are, children are not going to be in your future if you stay with him.

Vasectomies are not reliably reversed either. If you want children, you need to find someone else or go it alone. You won’t be having children with him, no matter where you live.

Why are you behaving like a total mug?

Literally ☹️

The fallacy of sunken costs. Cut your losses and do what you need to on your own two feet without him.

Sorry Op I know this is hard. It doesn’t matter if you trusted him. He had a vasectomy and having kids is important to you. Why invest a decade with him? Why are you considering anymore time with him.

please just move on for god sake.

stop trying to make him into something he is not. It’s not going to happen.

you are being silly and living in the clouds. Come into reality and realise this man does not want what you want or even a relationship with you.

Ignore him for a second. Do you actually want to move back to your home country? If you do, ditch him and go. If you don't, ditch him and stay.

OP, you need to accept that he doesn't want a baby, he's been lying to you for years and most importantly that you don't need to stay in this relationship or wait for him to dump you. You can (and should) dump him.

Are you young enough to have a baby with someone else?

Yes a decade is a very long time to have wasted being strung along but this man who doesn’t want what you do and has lied to you about it.

Dont waste anymore years on him

A decade if being lied to is a long time, but 12 years or 15 years or whatever is longer. Cut your losses now OP.

He doesn’t want you and I’m sorry x Leave him and may it be the best and fruitful decision for you x

Seriously you haven't had sex for five years how on earth did you imagine this was going to end up with children? This is on you as much as it's on in pick up your dignity pack it in your bags and go start a new life

He is a very manipulative person and I only realised how manipulative since I have started my therapy. It has been eye opening. Even now when I raise any of the issues mentioned above he manages to blow his top off and twists all this as if it is my fault. Every sentence he starts with 'but you' to deflect the focus away from him. He makes me responsible for how he feels, he dictates times when we can talk about triggering topics or not talk about. There is never a good time. He always yells in response, throws a phone, erratic texting, calling back interrupting, yelling then again throwing the phone. I just calmly difuse everything but watch this 60+ man behaving like a spoiled brat. It's chaos.

If by now he is over 60 years old, clearly he doesnt want to go back to having kids. Was he over 50 when you got together? How old were you? He seems to have future faked you but is also pretty old to go back to being a dad of young kids.

I think he’s already decided this relationship is over. Leave graciously OP and go live a full life without him holding you back.

I also get very confused because on one hand he tells me he wants me to move abroad so I can be happy and fulfilled but then next sentence he says to me he will actually live there with me and then he follows through with feeling alienated from his children. TBH nothing makes sense and he often makes up these tyrades filled with rumble of information just to dump it on me as it is my fault. What I noticed over the years is his DCs do not want to be in touch, unless they need something, they never buy him any gifts. Ever! Never invited him when it was his birthday. Nothing. In a decade I have never been properly acknowledged. And before anyone jumps - DP was years divorced when he met me. His ex was already married again.

How old are you now OP?

This might be a wonderful next chapter! Fly away from this silly old man and meet someone young and wonderful - YOU.

OP, what the absolute fuck are you doing here? He has played you utterly and you have been hoodwinked by his lies. How can you even describe him as your partner- you are someone he holds in absolute contempt.

Do you think a high earner at work is generally the sort of man to not achieve what he wants?
He isn’t honourable at all, and quite obviously thinks you are a gullible little girl to be fed any old shit.

You should be furious that this absolute cunt has done this. I would get really angry and let him know that you hold him personally responsible for this mess. I think I would be angry enough to tell him I hope he drops dead. He doesn’t deserve another second of your time.