Follow up Thread, Husband in 2 year affair and wants to come home

[Thescornedwife]

Hey, I have been advised to start a new thread by a poster as the other was about to run out!

In a nutshell, my husband was in a 2 year emotional and physical affair with a co worker. He left me 6 months ago stating he didn’t love me anymore but failed to say it was because he was in a long term affair. Love has been professed and he has been living with his parents for 6 months but been at his affair partners house more times than he can count, playing happy families with her.

he didn’t come on our family holidays this year and he has devastated our DD’s. He has told so many lies it’s flabbergasting! He came clean to me under duress because the OW had left her husband and moved to her own place and I now believe she wanted more commitment. There was also the fact that people at work had found out and the jig was up, OW left her job because she didn’t want to work beside him anymore and in doing so, she said she was going to confess all and that the relationship and lies were over for her. So he had to come clean.

to top it off, DH is employed in a very good job with my uncles company with my dad being an investor, he has left his job also because he was asked to because of the fact he massively broke their trust (trust is a big thing in my family) and he and her were using the workplace to have sex in at weekends and after hours, and also during the work day, so gross misconduct.

it’s all a mess and only been 5 days and I’m still reeling and hurt to my very core, I went down the worm hole of reconciliation websites and got myself so confused. The help and advice on here has been invaluable! Real people with real experiences and feelings! All the help I can get is more appreciated than I could ever explain!

It's not going to be easy for a while, but it will be ok. More than ok.
You'll look back on this in years to come as the fire that forged you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5432994-my-husband-had-a-2-year-affair-and-i-dont-know-whether-to-take-him-back?page=1

Following this thread too, and full of support for you. 🌺

Hope you're doing ok today OP

Hi, I’m having a bad day today, it’s so hard and the kids are struggling, I had to take time off work I can’t concentrate! I don’t know why I thought I could go back. I keep reading the posts from you all for strength. How do you stop the intrusive thoughts/images?

I'm sorry it's not a good day, just take it one day at a time and don't forget to breathe.

It might sound woo but try to meditate, there's some guided meditations on Spotify and such just to help the mind stop even just for a bit. Journaling is good to get it all out too, write all the feelings and shit you want to say to your ex. The better days will come, it's only been a week.

I hope you've still cut contact with him too, he needs to stop unloading to you and 'being transparent' you don't need any more transparency. He can go to hell now with that

Stay strong, you and your kids will get through this

Thank you! No there isn’t any contact, not yet, I think the job hunt is well under way

This happened to me ...almost identical. He had an affair before i conceived our third child..i found out for sure when she was 1 though id known st some level for months. 6 months after leaving he'd begged to come back for all the usual reasons.. money regret missing kids etc. Stupidly and under pressure knackered and knowing kids missed him i said yes.. realised within months it was a mistake but couldnt face uprooting everything and he refused to leave.. we drifted for 7 years and then i met someone else and left him.. i lost so much by not staying strong.. you are so doing the right thing .. im happy now and kids are good but i just prolonged the misery for everyone by trying to yo do the right thing

Meditation is great but at this point you might prefer kick-boxing. That’s not me being flippant- anger can be quite toxic if you can’t express it in a positive or healthy way. If yoga is attractive, try Ashtanga as a moving meditation.

Be nice to yourself though, don’t blame yourself for any of this including any emotional swings, not knowing how or what to feel, etc etc. This is all quite traumatic.

I remember a remarkable PP who was once in your shoes, and who said that she survived the agonizing, turbulent, griefstruck, confused first 3 months after discovery by setting aside 15 quiet minutes at the end of the day and forcing herself to find something joyful or soothing or beautiful - or just satisfactory - in that day.

It didn’t matter what it was, it just had to be something, ANYthing positive.

In the beginning, she had to search hard for what she called "slivers of silver". Sometimes it was simply that she had eaten something that day. Sometimes it was hearing her children laughing. Or seeing a tree in her garden blossoming. Or that she'd found a beloved spoon that had gone missing years previously.

Those slivers of silver helped her get through each day, and over time she started finding more than one sliver per day. After a while, she had so many slivers that 15 minutes were not long enough to count her blessings. She knew then that she was healing.

Maybe it will help you too to look for your sliver of silver everyday. It may help to stabilise you, to know that there is more, much more, than this pain, and that one day, you won't feel like this anymore, because you will have healed.

A gentle reminder to get yourself checked out at a clinic for sti , horrendous to have to do , but one more thing ticked off .

@Thescornedwife you need to allow yourself time to grieve. This betrayal is huge and impacts almost all areas of your life. There are no wrong feelings, frustration, betrayal, guilt, confusion, sorrow, love, denial, anger, despair, optimism, grief, rage, regret, hope - they are all valid and you need to allow yourself to feel them as they come, repressing will only make the process to a feeling of peace and acceptance harder.

Let yourself grieve for the man you thought he was, the life you had, the memories now tainted, the future you envisioned and all that is lost because of his actions. Scream, shout, cry, swear or break something if you need to. Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space to process. This is all on your timeline, no one else’s.

The same goes for your children, although their feelings may be different and will likely involve conflict and guilt about rebuilding a relationship with their father knowing how much he has hurt you all. They will hopefully want to get to a point of having a positive relationship with him but for you it’s more likely the best situation is a place of cordial indifference.

No one expects you to immediately fall out of love with your husband, this can take time. You are in shock, it’s not even been a week and he’s bombarded you with far too much detail in an attempt to appear as if he’s being honest when all he’s doing is trying to salvage what he can as his world falls apart around him.

You will get through this, you are stronger than you know.

How are you doing @Thescornedwife ?

Thank you so much for your kind words.

i have spent the week getting my ducks in a row as they say. I have seen a solicitor and put as much in place as I can. The more time goes on the angrier I get, the kids too. They feel at the minute anyway, that he chose his secret with the OW over them and I can’t say I blame them for that. They and him will need to discuss that and heal from that, if even possible. But I am taking a back seat to their separate relationship, that’s on him to sort. At the minute I’m feeling indifferent, the betrayal is colossal across the board so feeling love and safety or anything else isn’t going to be there. It’s anger and hurt and still a lot of disbelief.

Has he continued to try and change your mind or has he accepted that your relationship is over?

Well done for finding your anger. There is no part of this situation that would allow for hope of rebuilding trust. He’s chosen himself at every point. Now it’s time to choose yourself. You have a bright future without him. You can leave the relationship with your head held high. He has to live with the consequences of his betrayal for the rest of his life. I would rather be the one hurt than knowing I had so little integrity I harmed my own children’s sense of family and security.

You’re absolutely right! And no, he isn’t trying to get back at all now, but I have cut all contact and our girls have asked him to leave me alone. To instantly ask to come back after all he’s done is sheer disrespect to not only me, but our children and wider family. He had hurt and betrayed all of us, i am finding it difficult imagining a future he won’t be in, but I can’t see past the damage done, and I know I can never get past the amount of lies and betrayal that went into being with another woman.

Your DC are rightfully angry because he did choose his OW over them time and time again. There is no going back from that. Whatever relationship they have now will be cautious as they know who he is now. I am glad you all found your anger. It is necessary to move on.

If you find out how to stop the intrusive thoughts and mental images. Please let me know!

As I said on your other thread. I'm a while past d day. And we are actually doing well.

My wife got really Scottish the other day and thought I was changing my mind and wanted out. I wasn't. I was just struggling with a bad day of intrusive thoughts. I told her this and said there isnt anything to do but hope time and affection stop them.

My problem is the way I found out. I got a phone call while they were in bed together and I heard them. Turns out he called me from her phone thinking I would kick her out.

But holy hell does that put mental images into your mind.

We talk when needed about it. And she doesnt shy away from answering. Even little things have helped like where did they meet up and when. So I can avoid those places and not have the worry of was it here when we are out.

Time and affection is my hope.

But your five days out. I was spiraling at that point. Getting kicked mentally hundreds of times per day.
I kept a diary just to keep my thoughts straight. I eventually shared this with my wife so she could see some of what was going on in my head.
But the actual note taking itself did help.

My therapist suggested riding them out instead of trying to block them. Giving each thought consideration and letting it go.
What a load of bull. It didnt work like that at all.
Talking about them did.

But even now. Several times a day I just stop when a thought takes hold.

So if you find a solution please let me know. Other wise just breath and know none of it was your fault at all!

Oh my goodness, how on earth did you cope with hearing that? Oh I can’t imagine. How long ago did you find out and how long was she in her affair for?

i don’t think I can ever get past it, for me 2 years is a long time and there was a lot of other betrayals in the mix, family members etc and our children, the fall out has been so big it would take a small miracle to mend everything. That’s what I’m having to face now. I feel as hard as this is, I would be wasting more of my life and my children’s well being if I was to continue in something that maybe still won’t work or if he betrayed us again. Just one tiny lie or anything that breaks trust or any argument is going to send me spiralling. All I can see is that would be what my future would look like and that’s abhorrent to me

The affair was for almost a year. Started slowly and built. Physically it was for the last few months of it. Before that it was hugs and occasional kisses which is still bad enough.

I was in exactly that position of not knowing what the future was.
She was and still is the absolute love of my life.
I was very torn. I knew she was in a bad place and I thought by giving the space asked for I was being supportive. We had fallen into a routine and we did not communicate.
Then it all seemed to change. I was suddenly unable to do anything right at all. Even our daughter noticed and started defending me. My oldest and closest friend is also my wifes closest friend and how we met. She noticed something had changed and brought it up a few times but just made sure I knew she was there for us both.

I suspected something but got proof only a few weeks before I got that call.

I did not know what to do so I put myself in her shoes. I tried to imagine through family losses and huge changes at work and feeling everything falling appart. How the excitement of the affair would feel.

I decided I did not want to hate her so for me and only for me. I forgave her. But that did not mean I could trust her or believe anything she ever said again. Spiraling as I was I started seeing all the lies and wondered how I could have been so nieve and blind. I would have believed the sky was green if she had told me it was before this.

To start with in the weeks that followed it felt ok. She had the burden lifted of the secret. Our friends knew too. And there was no hate from them either. Mainly because I asked them not to.

But it never felt like she had remorse. Not for the act. She did have remorse for being caught and how.

So in my mind it was over. I didnt want that but could not see how I could ever trust her again.

We had got to the point of working out custody and living arrangements.

She was still my best friend. And the one thing I never failed to do was make her laugh. Especially at my expense. And thats what happened one afternoon. I had something extremely embarrassing happen to me while I was out at our sons sporting event. I could have kept it quiet but decided i'd never done that before so why start now. Besides, she could do with a laugh. So i told her by text in a sitcom style script how I had managed to find myself thoroughly embarrassed.

Our daughter was with her when she got my string of messages. She said in her words "mum broke".
Apparently she laughed. And then cried and then laughed and on and on. Round and round until she just went still and said oh my word I love him.

As soon as I got back she was different. We talked and the remorse was now there fully. And I believed her remorse. She held nothing back and did not try to deflect blame at all.

She understood the trust had gone and started there and then trying to earn it back. I saw all the messages. She couldn't block him then (has since) and said she would show me If he messaged and she did. She started seeing him in a new light and was disgusted with herself.
But still did not pass any blame.

Its been several months now since we actually made up and decided to work on us. And it is going well. We talk often about how we feel and what we want. We make time for us and make sure we show through even little things like holding hands, or kissing every day.

I put my wedding ring back on last week. She became terrified after I had a bad day that I was beginning to think i had made a mistake. She was genuinely fearful but completely understanding that I would leave. She makes sure to tell me wherever she is even while at work and has blocked any chance of him ever being involved with her work ever again.

If it weren't for that moment that broke her. We wouldnt be here as I didnt see any sign of actual remorse.

That for us is the difference between making it work and working at something without hope.

Forgiving does not mean you trust. And its not for them. For me it was just me saying I don't want to live with resentment or hatred. I made that very clear when I told her I forgave her.

Our fallout hasn't been huge. Our teanage daughter knows. Shes clever and figured it out. She Sat me down and told me she thinks that one of us has cheated. She said she is sure it wasn't me as I've always shown love towards my wife but she hasn't shown any towards me for a while. So she figured it was her.
I told her the truth. And gave her the basics of what happened.
Her and her mum had a conversation about it. And she said she is keeping an eye on her. That was before that breaking point. Now they are doing well too. Even our son who knows nothing of this. He's perked up so much and starts everyday with a smile which he didnt do for quiet a while.

I hope this very long post helps.

Most of all. Do things for you. Not for him. Dont hold onto hate, it doesnt help in any way. But do not trust until or unless you are shown real remorse. And not remorse for what he has lost but real remorse for what he has done to you without him thinking just about himself.

Little update today. I’ve been finding the last couple of days very very tough, between crying and angry and the damn intrusive thoughts and images! I don’t think they will ever ever go away! But husband got in touch today and suggested that myself and him along with OW and husband meet up to discuss everything like adults and get it all out in the open. Has he lost his fucking mind?

Apparently so ! What bloody planet is he on ?

Fucking hell! Exactly what does he expect to achieve by that?!

He’ll only achieve making OP and OW’s DH live out their nightmare in slow motion.

I can't imagine what he hopes anyone would gain from that?

Stay brave, OP. You are stronger than you know.