Follow up Thread, Husband in 2 year affair and wants to come home

[Thescornedwife]

Hey, I have been advised to start a new thread by a poster as the other was about to run out!

In a nutshell, my husband was in a 2 year emotional and physical affair with a co worker. He left me 6 months ago stating he didn’t love me anymore but failed to say it was because he was in a long term affair. Love has been professed and he has been living with his parents for 6 months but been at his affair partners house more times than he can count, playing happy families with her.

he didn’t come on our family holidays this year and he has devastated our DD’s. He has told so many lies it’s flabbergasting! He came clean to me under duress because the OW had left her husband and moved to her own place and I now believe she wanted more commitment. There was also the fact that people at work had found out and the jig was up, OW left her job because she didn’t want to work beside him anymore and in doing so, she said she was going to confess all and that the relationship and lies were over for her. So he had to come clean.

to top it off, DH is employed in a very good job with my uncles company with my dad being an investor, he has left his job also because he was asked to because of the fact he massively broke their trust (trust is a big thing in my family) and he and her were using the workplace to have sex in at weekends and after hours, and also during the work day, so gross misconduct.

it’s all a mess and only been 5 days and I’m still reeling and hurt to my very core, I went down the worm hole of reconciliation websites and got myself so confused. The help and advice on here has been invaluable! Real people with real experiences and feelings! All the help I can get is more appreciated than I could ever explain!

@Thescornedwife how are you doing? Did you ever agree to meet the OW? Has life settled a bit? Hope you are ok.

We are trying to make a go of things but it’s incredibly hard! I never know if he’s thinking about her or how this all went so horribly wrong! He has another job and seems to be trying to fix things but I can’t get it out of my head every single day. The kids just do their own thing and it’s just not the same yet. We are trying counselling which is helping us both understand the why and where and how etc. but there’s only so much we can do with that. I’m paranoid and scared. We are mostly ok but it’s not the same at all, nowhere near. I saw the other woman for the first time the other day! We live in the same town. It was unbelievably triggering. She seems to be doing just fine, new job, gets on well with her soon to be ex husband and is dating from what I hear. Meanwhile I’m in a state of horrible limbo and constant hurt.

Sorry, he'll be playing the waiting game, waiting until your youngest child turns 18, and then he'll be off...probably with either the same OW or another one.

I know this from my own personal experience, it's exactly what my father did. He first attempted to leave when I was 11, his plan didn't work and he left exactly a decade later, when I'd just turned 21...6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

You will never be able to trust him again. Do your children a favour, end the charade and divorce him now.

From your latest update, all trust has gone and the counselling is only delaying the inevitable.

What an awful for your daughters to grow up in.

It’s a shame you took him back, now, when the inevitable happens and you’ve had enough, he will be able to play the victim.

End it and show your daughters how a woman values her self worth.

You've taken him back? Why?

@Thescornedwife ‘it’s just not the same yet’ but honestly IT NEVER WILL BE THE SAME. How can it be even nearly the same? You are living in misery because you don’t trust him and you’re quite right not to. How could you - after the two years of solid lying to you and your entire family?

@Thescornedwife thank you for updating and letting us know how you are doing. You know by taking him back you will get a lot of heat on MN but don’t listen to the negativity. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Something terrible happened to you. It’s up to you how you process this. If trying to see whether you can get back to the relationship you had is how you process it, then that is what you should do.

I think a lot of people can see that what you want will be very hard to achieve. But I can understand the need to KNOW for sure that you can’t get back there. What you shouldn’t do, is live a life that is less, because of his actions. Give it time but not so much time that you just accept the feeling of anxiety and sadness being part of your life. Be authentic with yourself. It’s never too late to change your mind

Has he given any insight into not only why he cheated but why he left you? Why does he now regret it when he was all set to start a new life with this OW? Is he transparent with his location and devices? Do you really feel he’s doing everything he can to build trust again?

Sounds like OW was unhappy in her relationship and your H was her exit affair if she’s happily dating now.

@Thescornedwife

You've taken him back but you are 'paranoid and scared', you were 'triggered' by seeing OW who lives in the same town.

Of course it's 'nowhere near the same'. How can it be? I see it as a broken plate. You might possibly glue the plate back together, but the plate will never be the same and the cracks will always be visible. The trust is gone from your marriage. And isn't trust a major cornerstone of any marriage?

Continue counseling if you must. It's good to really examine these things But also permit yourself to consider ending your marriage. You have, what, 30/40/50 years left to live. Do you want to live them on the tenterhooks of paranoia, fear, and suspicion? Or would you rather spend them in a life of peace and calm?

Sometimes delaying the inventible gives you time to process it Sometimes you just need to work through things in your own time and in your own way. Lots of people told me not to bother with counselling, and it was a horrible experience, and it didn't save the relationship, and so in a sense those people gave sound advice, but I don't regret it because I can walk away knowing I tried everything. Hope you find some peace soon OP.

My husband was depressed and had been struggling mentally for a few years, he was very hard to live with and I was going through the menopause, so I had my own stuff going on, we disconnected which was so far from our normal behaviour, we’d had a lovely marriage until then. He said he felt worthless at the time and he thought I would see that and leave him, so he’d taken steps to not be alone. He started an emotional affair with someone from work, I found out within a couple of months of it starting, confronted him and kicked him out. After a few days of living in a hotel he moved in with his OW. I was devastated, completely. He was like a new man for about a month, thought he’d hit the jackpot, she was 20yrs younger than me and 16yrs younger than him. But he was completely delusional, he crashed within weeks. He thought he could outrun his depression but he’d taken his problems with him… him! Within 3m of him leaving he’d lost his job, lost his car, was living in a shitty flat, his kids only saw him once a week, they said he cried at least once every time he saw them. I went no contact with him and started a divorce.

After a year one of our dc had a serious accident, we spent weeks at their bedside, we had no option other than to talk to each other. He professed his undying love for me, I could tell by the way he looked at me he was totally obsessing over me, it was very uncomfortable to say the least, I told him I wouldn’t consider getting back together under any circumstances. Well, he took everything I said and quietly made me his focus, he finished with and left his OW, moved into his parents house, got himself a psychiatrist and a counsellor, saw them every week for about 6m, he then got himself a room in a house share and started a new hobby which would help him to de-stress on a regular basis. During this time he was in constant contact with me but stayed friendly, rather than bothersome. After a year, I agreed to a date. It was fabulous, the man I knew and fell in love with was back. We’ve been back together over a year but we’re still live apart, I am beginning to think I may ask him to move back in, which both excites me and scares me. He sees his psychiatrist and his counsellor each month but he says he feels a different person and if the depression comes back he will see them more often.
I know that some people will say a straight and absolute no after betrayal and I know that it is an option but it isn’t the only way forward and with mental health help and counselling it doesn’t have to be the end. We were together for 27yrs and I’d had no issues with him at all in that time, we were genuinely happy. If he hadn’t made consistent and positive steps towards changing I would never have considered it, but what we have is, right now, wonderful. We are more aware of what disconnecting can lead to and we don’t want that again. I’ve told him that being with me now is a lifelong commitment, I won’t consider anything other than a permanent reconciliation and he says he’s happy knowing that. We are moving forward and building something new and more resilient, we have more knowledge about mental health and about what help is available. I will do everything to ensure I never face that again, I’m working on me now too, I know it sounds wanky but I’m discovering myself now too, learning about what I can do with the rest of my life so I can continue to grow. My dc have both left home now, so it’s time for new things.

Sorry this is so blinking long!

You’ll get differing advice now, along with the pressure that brings.
Some people tried to stay in their marriage and their husbands cheated again. Some people tried to stay in their marriage but found over time that the betrayal cut too deep. Some people accepted that people can make appalling choices, learn from them and change . Their husbands were grateful for the second chance and stepped up and did all they could to prove themselves.
Which situation you are in is anybody’s guess, it’s a tale as old as time but every situation is unique in its circumstances.
Leaving is tough, but doesn’t always stay tough forever. Staying is tough, but doesn’t always stay tough forever.
Only you know if you want to try to stay married and only you know, in your circumstances with your husband, why you have made that decision. In leaving you would show your daughters that marriage is a very serious business and you give no second chances to betrayers who took that for granted. Nothing wrong with that.
In trying to stay married, you show your daughters that marriage is a very serious business not to be taken lightly and where their father is concerned, worth fighting for. Nothing wrong with that example either.
What they need, if you want to stay in the marriage, and what you need to see, is him moving heaven and earth to be a better man, husband and father and to see you putting up with nothing less.
You are still getting triggered, feel unsafe and dealing with the pain and confusion of how he could possibly do this to you.
The Surviving Infidelity and Affair Recovery websites have good free forums plus free advice whether you want to stay together or not. They are not part of the awful infidelity recovery machine urging stay together at all costs, indeed they do not advocate staying if your husband does not step up and get honest/ accept full responsibility/ do his level best and pull no punches about what needs to happen to stand a chance of success. They have advice for healing after betrayal for those who divorce as well as those who want to reconcile and would not directly advise you to do either.
I also advise reading Michelle Mays’ The Betrayal Bind’ and find her podcasts, you’ll understand exactly why you feel the way you feel and how to learn to heal from it. She’s excellent.
There’s absolutely no shame in staying or leaving, you are no doormat OP, and
nobody has the right to judge you for doing either. I advise against trying to justify your actions here, for some cheating is a non negotiable deal breaker and I respect that viewpoint completely, just know that justifying your choices for staying never goes down well on Mumsnet abd you are under enough stress as it is. Feel free to DM me if you wish, I’m nearly seven years on from where you are now and I recognise everything you are describing.

Oh you poor thing - it sounds like you're very much still in love with him, so I hope that he sorts himself out for your sake.

Tbh if she's taken him back after such a short amount of time she's showing her daughters that a husband can shit on his wife from a great height and still expect to come back.

It's a terrible example to them. He hasn't had time to himself, hasn't worked on himself . He probably missed his cosy house, having a wife to look after him, realised the grass wasn't greener and she's accepting it.

She'll never be able to trust him again. I give it two months, three tops.

It's the kid's I feel sorry for having to live in this shit show.

How do your kids feel OP? Were they glad to see him come back or are they sceptical?

Did you give it a try? The counselling and stuff? I’m losing hope a bit and I understand why most people think I’m doing the wrong thing, especially with how hard it is. Part of me loves him dearly, part of me is scared to start over, part of me is ashamed to be divorced, part of me is scared he will run to her if I leave him! I have so much anxiety and I only live in hope at the minute that we get through it and be better for it! I don’t know what else to do

I did try counselling and it was a terrible experience, he told lies, I got angry, the counsellor had the personality of a wet paper towel, it was awful. But I genuinely wanted to try and save the relationship so I wanted to try everything I could. I have now filed for divorce. it took me several months to do that and I am still in the thick of it. It is scary, he is refusing to leave the house and being an absolute arse, I’m terrified he’s going to screw me over financially, be difficult about the kids and run up huge legal bills by just being a twat. But he makes my life worse not better, I am happier and lighter when he is not around, and I just can’t take the feeling of being on edge and nerve jangling all the time when he is around. I understand why my friends looked at me the way they did when I said I was going to try and make things work, I don’t want be divorced, it does feel like failure, like other people are just better at adulting than I am, that people will look at me and wonder what was wrong with me and why my husband left (if he ever bloody leaves), I don’t want any of those things, I want a happy marriage with a man who supports me and the kids and is pleased to see me when I get home and asks me what is wrong if I am stressed rather than shout at me for being tired. But slowly I have accepted that I am not going to get what I want. He is who he is and he will never change. I don’t get option A so I have to make the best of option B. I have a list of things that will be better when I have my own house, like decorating the house my way and getting a cat and having my friends round more and I’m focussing on those. I have good days, bad days and days I ugly cry in the car, but he won’t break me. There is no right or Wrong thing to do right now. But you do matter and you do deserve to be happy and treated with respect xx

Wishing you all the best Op. Please get an Sti test.

Never make decisions based on fear, OP. Just because something is scary to contemplate doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do.
The shame of being divorced would be his, not yours to carry. Nobody would judge you for divorcing a man for having an affair. The failure is his, not yours.
Don’t hang on to him to stop OW from having him, if you are unhappy. The best revenge is a life well-lived. If he wanted her, if you think that’s the first thing he’d do, why do you want to stay with him? It’s either over as he insists it is and he has no feelings for her, he loves you, or it isn’t. A very close friend of mine wouldn’t let her husband come home after leaving her for his OW (another short lived disaster, not the lover’s paradise he had envisioned, but there’s no telling them whilst still on Fantasy Island) at first, she told him he had to prove he meant it, live in the company flat he had access to on his own and they could “date” to see if he could live up to his promises and see whether she actually wanted him back or not. She also wanted him to be sure that she was what he wanted and that he would t run back to OW. He didn’t get to go home for I think about nine months. That was nearly twenty years ago and they are still together and happy as far as I can see.

Try as hard as you can to figure out what your real reasons for reconciling are.
Shame, fear of the unknown and keeping him away from OW are not valid reasons for staying.
Loving him, him loving you and both of you really, really wanting the relationship and a future together are the best reasons for staying and belief in that will get you through this initial tough period of feeling unsafe and anxious.
He needs to do a lot to overtly prove his desire to show you he is a safe partner with gestures of checking in to see how you are whether you’re in the house together or not, radical honesty, answer all and any questions no matter how many times you ask them, telling you in advance where he’s going, who he’s going to be with and when he’ll be back and sticking to it, being available for you to see on apps like Find My, transparency in all financial matters and full access to all his devices and passwords. Yes, he could still be dishonest despite full access but it’s the willingness to be transparent that is more important, any attempt to claim he needs his privacy (he’s forfeited the right to that temporarily, he had it once and blew it) any attempt to keep you out of anything and out he goes. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Unwillingness to be transparent is a massive red flag and a deal breaker.
The feelings of anxiety and lack of security will not fade with time without a massive, colossal effort from him. Reconciliation is one of those things where you’re either all-in or you’re out. You don’t get to be just a bit honest or a bit transparent or a bit remorseful and stay in the marriage. Having chosen ‘nothing’ in the all-or-nothing game before, he needs to show you that he really, really means he’s chosen “all.”
Only you know whether he’s worth a second chance or not, but just ditching OW and being sorry and wanting to come home is the tip of a very big iceberg he’s got to chip away at or your marriage won’t survive.
Try to narrow down your reasons for staying and be brutally honest with yourself.
And never forget that even if you decide to stay now, you can always change your mind.

He needs to read “In the Doghouse” which shows unfaithful partners how to help their partner heal, by Andrew Marshall (it’s useful for you to read too). It spells out without pulling punches what he needs to do to prove to you that he’s worth having. It explains why you feel and react the way you do after what he did and why he has to suck that up entirely and get on with the job of supporting you through it.

I'm sure you posted about this before, not the thread you linked, the part 1, but a different thread. I remember the uncle's company. Didn't she work there too?

I wouldn't even think about having him back OP.

God love you OP.
Taking him back after what he put you and your children through.
I don't doubt they are doing their own thing.
Get some therapy to figure out what you really want.
You deserve so much better that accepting this loser because you are afraid of being alone.

Dear OP. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It has been 2.5 years since my D-Day discovery. Firstly, you can not do anything to change what happened. Do what feels right for YOU first. Work on yourself and your mental health. Do not be ashamed of getting divorced if it means peace. You can not control any person, so if he wants to run to her, let him. Know your worth. That is something that took me a long time to get to. I AM WORTHY. I AM ENOUGH. I AM LOVED. I was also feeling what you are, if he is thinking of her, messaging her etc. They still work together and I see her every time I pick him up from work. I had terrible triggers, that caused shaking and sent my heart racing. What helped for me when I was triggered, was to look for things. 6 brown things, round objects, black cars - whatever. In that moment you force your mind to focus on something else. Put an elastic band around your wrist and when you are triggered, snap that thing to bring you back to the HERE and NOW. What also helped me was throwing and breaking ice. To get that rage out. Music helps a lot. I started hiking and while hiking, I listen to music, I pray, I cry, I scream and when I am done, I feel better.
I still have my "moments" and will rant and fight with him. The next day we will discuss what was said and how it made us feel. Men in general are not great in communicating their feelings and thoughts. But if you do it regularly, it improves.
Sending you lots of hugs.

@Thewookiemustgo can I ask how long it took you to trust your husband and feel safe again in your relationship? I don't want to hijack this thread so feel free to pm me if you want to.

No wonder you're feeling anxious living with those permanent fears and worries.

There is no shame in divorce. Your children will be healthier adults if they have a happy (single) non-anxious mum. You know what to do deep down.

Once the trust is gone , it’s over. I think you are just delaying the inevitable. I’d take control and start by getting legal advice.