Follow up Thread, Husband in 2 year affair and wants to come home

[Thescornedwife]

Hey, I have been advised to start a new thread by a poster as the other was about to run out!

In a nutshell, my husband was in a 2 year emotional and physical affair with a co worker. He left me 6 months ago stating he didn’t love me anymore but failed to say it was because he was in a long term affair. Love has been professed and he has been living with his parents for 6 months but been at his affair partners house more times than he can count, playing happy families with her.

he didn’t come on our family holidays this year and he has devastated our DD’s. He has told so many lies it’s flabbergasting! He came clean to me under duress because the OW had left her husband and moved to her own place and I now believe she wanted more commitment. There was also the fact that people at work had found out and the jig was up, OW left her job because she didn’t want to work beside him anymore and in doing so, she said she was going to confess all and that the relationship and lies were over for her. So he had to come clean.

to top it off, DH is employed in a very good job with my uncles company with my dad being an investor, he has left his job also because he was asked to because of the fact he massively broke their trust (trust is a big thing in my family) and he and her were using the workplace to have sex in at weekends and after hours, and also during the work day, so gross misconduct.

it’s all a mess and only been 5 days and I’m still reeling and hurt to my very core, I went down the worm hole of reconciliation websites and got myself so confused. The help and advice on here has been invaluable! Real people with real experiences and feelings! All the help I can get is more appreciated than I could ever explain!

Stay strong. He has lost so much compared to you.

A family member had a similar experience. Husband had been cheating for some time, lying about it, and he ended it at a terrible time for her (other very difficult life events were going on concurrently). She had a very, very hard time but she now couldn’t be happier. She met someone new afterwards, and in the mean time rediscovered herself, what it is to have freedom, to be valued, to be admired and loved and independent. She found work she enjoys, her kids are grown and have an excellent relationship with her, and she’d never regret it in a heartbeat. She would tell you that it will be very, very hard, but that you will never be more glad you got through it and out the other side.

I think this is because in the affair bubble there is all the illicit behaviour providing drama and excitement

now discovered, it’s all gone.

@Thescornedwife tell him you have no desire to “have it all out” that his sordid little life is no longer any of your concern and you’re done with the drama of his making. Tell him too that this mess is all of his making and you’re not interested in doing a single thing to ease his conscience over this. He’s a shit, that’s common knowledge now, all your friends and family know this, and your only focus is your dd and your own personal mental health. He can go on a long walk off a short pier for all you care.

what benefit would this pow wow bring to you? To meet the skanky woman he shagged in the office? Quite frankly EW! Why would anyone want that? You’re not interested in making him feel better about this mess.

hes making everything all about him again and quite frankly, he doesn’t deserve that level of attention

It is odd however I think he's trying to prompt @Thescornedwifeinto a Pick me Dance.
He's deluded IMO but he had the OW dancing for a couple of years and she seems to have eased off now so he's trying to get OP to dance.
Most of us who have been cheated on have danced in some ways after D Day even if it's just a case 'Look what we will lose' in terms of shared history/ assets/ family unit.

And positive stories.
I rediscovered myself and expanded my world. I had a very passionate relationship for about 30 months (lust at first sight moment after 12 months separated) which was incredible (but couldn't co to us for a variety of reasons) , a much better relationship with my adult children (he's no longer just 'there' putting me down) and a financial freedom that I didn't have before.

It took a while not to be used to being part of a couple living together / sharing life but now I'm happy in myself solo.

Therapy really helped me navigate all the awful emotions in real time.

Bloody hell he's got some nerve.

@Thescornedwife just tell him no, absolutely not, and don't message me about this again.

You don't have to explain why, or justify to him. Just - no.

In terms of positive stories, I have a friend whose partner walked out on her and their newborn (as in literally less than a week old baby), despite it being a years-long relationship and planned pregnancy. She met someone a couple of years later, and is so much happier with him, as he suits her much better. Really nice guy, absolutely dotes on her and her son, they are a great wee family.

I have another friend whose H walked out on her and their teenage kids. She's still single but by choice - she tried dating but found she wasn't bothered as she likes being single. She's always out and about and doing stuff, away with friends or off doing something with her kids. She's off travelling for a couple of months in the new year now that her youngest is at Uni.

Thats just a big Nope!

He's not thinking of you at all in this. How it would make you feel. Not even slightly.
I can't go near places I know my wife and her AP went without it hitting me like a ton of bricks.

If she had suggested we meet up. I would not act very adult like.

What does he hope you would gain from it?

If there was remorse there. For what he has done to you. He would realise how much pain that would cause.

Tell him to give his head a wobble and stop thinking of himself.

An affair is selfish. This is selfish. Not thinking of you is selfish.

Until he can drop that and realise for himself just how selfish he has and is being he has no right at all to ask you for anything.

So I’m now discovering about trickle truth as they put it! Or maybe a ping light bulb moment actually, when something clicks. He asked me not to tell anyone (immediate family especially) when he spent any time at the house in the 6 months he had moved out. I now know this was so that the OW didn’t find anything out, but he said it was because he didn’t want anyone knowing his or our business and that me being so open with my family about our marriage or any marriage issues was actually one of our marriage problems and one of the reasons he left to “get space” when in fact it was to protect the relationship with her!

so calculated! The well thought out and lies he told are so shocking to me.

She sounds quite controlling. But I’m sure he made her lots of promises and future faked and then when she left her husband for him he freaked out as he knew she would tell you if he went back on it. So there he was stuck playing both sides not wanting to be seen negatively by either of you and knowing one wrong move blew his life up. It was a time bomb waiting to happen. Perhaps he thought he could pretend he had fallen out of love with you and after a period of being ‘single’ could pretend he started a new relationship with the OW. But he knew it had to be slow and subtle or everyone would work out what had happened leaving his job at risk. She got fed up of waiting and forced his hand and he decided you were the better bet for keeping his cushy life. Every thing he did was for himself. He’s a weak man who can’t take responsibility for his mistakes or poor character.

Either he has one hell of a gift for deceit and lying or honestly it sounds like he's been manipulating and practising further back than just two years. he's a piece of work, he is.

Encouraging? You should write a bloody book! It’s lovely to hear that it can work out. X

Not sure if I have a positive story but I have been reading the guide for separated parents by Karen and Nick Woodall. I haven’t read all of it as I still find it painful to accept what is happening sometimes. They do advise that if you feel like curling up on the sofa and watching crap tv for a bit then you should definitely do that. I have been taking this advice literally and been slowly working through some old favourites. It’s not a light at the end of the tunnel more just a little bit of self care that fortifies me for another day of his utter bullshit. Look after yourself OP, I do wish I believed that karma existed.

Thats going to happen more and more.

Do not blame yourself. He weaponised your care for him.

You had no reason not to trust him and he knew that so it makes the lies so much easier.

Like when my wife went out with work friends and ended up sleeping over at the house of a lady she works with. She said it was because she was afraid to get a taxi alone late at night and drunk. I fully believed her. That was the first night she spent with him. There was no night out with work.

She knew I would believe that just as your husband knew you'd believe him.

When I dropped her off in the mornings to work. She asked me not to give her a kiss or a hug. As she was conscious of people at work seeing and it felt odd to her. I respected her boundary. Turns out a few people there knew what was going on and she told them we had separated a while ago but we're still friends. She didnt want that illusion to go because then they would know it wasn't a new boyfriend it was an affair.

Likewise she had told them to keep quiet at work about it because it was an inter work thing. So the ones there who knew me well and knew we hadn't separated didnt find out.

I felt like such a fool for believing anything to start with. It wasn't until I realised that my trust had been abused and that had everything to do with my love for her and nothing to do with gullibility or anything else.

Now she has come clean to those people. She kisses me as I drop her off. And she does not go on any nights out at all without me. Though that last part makes me sad. I would never stop her doing anything. She doesn't go because she is afraid I would worry and doubt her.

I only know all of this because she told me. After she had that moment of real remorse and genuine guilt. There was no more trickle. Anything was open and nothing was hidden.

She even said she knew I would believe anything she said and was so sorry for taking advantage of that.

I'd like to think i have a positive story to help @Thescornedwife . 6 years ago I discovered my now exH had had another affair (this was number 3) whilst away celebrating a bit wedding anniversary, he was messaging some woman online about it all.
I honestly had the toughest 2 years after that, it coincided with lock down, I got made redundant and exH starved us out of our home (he's self-employed so cheats his way out of CM). He meanwhile met someone new, moved her in after 6 weeks of dating, moved her into our old family home and she was pregnant after about 4 months of them having matched on tinder.
Anyway, 6 years later my kids are bloody amazing little people (14 and 10) and I am so so proud of them. They are kind, hard working, interesting and bring me so much happiness... I have worked my way up in a small business and now earn double was I used to. And I have the most amazing partner who has taught me what a true relationship is. He loves me like no one else ever has and he loves my children and is a great role model to them. Anyway... we just bought our first home together and should be moving in in January.
It's not been easy, there are still bumps on the road but I can genuinely say that I am reply happy and fulfilled. Stay strong xx

Usually it is once a cheater always a cheater. The best thing we can do is evaluate if the relationship is worth saving, and try counselling to see the collective point of view. But naturally i would say kick him to the curb.

This is somewhat probably true. I think the plan was to soft launch themselves after the dust settled. He was playing with fire, playing with his whole life as he knew it. He still left me and the kids for her for 6 months, I’ll never be able to get my head round that, putting us through that with lies and then finding out about her. Reeling is an understatement

If he was committed to the soft launch he would have had strong boundaries with you and not have spent time with you / slept with you. But he was wavering because he knew what he was going to lose even if people believed it was a new relationship and not an affair. He was starting to make moves to come back and the OW could see this and made it clear there was no way he walked back into his old life after she had blown up hers for him, without everyone finding out the truth.

He’s weak. He had no real plan he just thought he could have his cake and eat it too. Then suddenly he was in too deep. He wasn’t unhappy in your life and marriage but he blew it up because he’s selfish. Everything he has done since, including asking you to meet with the OW, shows he is only looking out for how this can work out best for him considering the he shit show he has created.

Your worth is not dictated by his needs. Grieve the person you thought he was and the future you thought you would have. But that future was never meant for you. It’s now full of possibilities you would never of had with him. You get to create your own story of hope and resilience that you can share one day to help others.

edited to add: another reason he could have wanted you to keep it quiet when he visited is because if he chose to go with the soft launch it would have been more difficult/ taken more time if people at work and his wider life knew he had been involved with you still up to the launch of their relationship. He was keeping his options open.

"He asked me not to tell anyone (immediate family especially) when he spent any time at the house in the 6 months he had moved out. I now know this was so that the OW didn’t find anything out, but he said it was because he didn’t want anyone knowing his or our business and that me being so open with my family about our marriage or any marriage issues was actually one of our marriage problems and one of the reasons he left to “get space” when in fact it was to protect the relationship with her!"

I'd say that another big reason was to stop you telling your family anything at all, because then they would put two and two together and do exactly what they did when they found out he was cheating on you with a colleague - fire him. He knew they weren't as trusting as you, nor did they love him like you did - in fact they didn't like him at all because of his past poor behaviour.

As @AnonymouseDad said, he exploited your trust in him so that he could cheat under your nose, so to speak. That doesn't make you gullible or foolish, it makes him a vile POS betrayer.

I agree with this up to a point, he was clearly juggling 2 people by the last month, it was closing in. He knew he was set to lose everything. My issue is, was he worried about losing me or everything else instead? The house, kids, job etc. that’s the general feeling of almost all commenters on the thread. And as time goes on I have to agree. He told her he loved her and he was playing me after I found out. I am so so angry with her today, the OW. I feel intense anger and hatred and wish her nothing but a shit life. I feel jealous and pity. I am not feeling great today

Yesterday I had a conversation with a male friend about the disintegration of my marriage and it was the first time I had a proper conversation with a male although I have had many with females. I was trying to work out the reasons for some of XHs unreasonable behaviour and male friend said there probably wasn't a reason or a plan or an end game and that he probably he just did what he did without thinking and if you looked inside his head it was probably just a little monkey banging cymbals. It felt like the "he's just not that into you" moment in sex and the city. He's probably not thinking about how he's losing everything when he's making decisions he's just thinking about having some sex.
but if you aren't feeling great today OP look after yourself, have a walk go and see some friends, have your favourite food, do something to burn the anger off.

OP, I think he wants back because he wants his status quo back no because he bothers, he loves you or he is regretting it. I wouldn't let him back. He can sort himself out as he is being doing for 2 years.

There will be brighter days.
I have days filled with rage towards my wifes affair partner. And others of pure apathy.
And I cannot work out what causes or triggers either.

But more and more there are days when I have neither. When life is just life and I feel content.

There is no fast way or shortcut. It takes time for you to process everything you've been through.

I've said before, I've had close friends die unexpectedly and family members too. And the pain and grief of those does not compare at all to finding out about an affair.

It sends your mind and emotions into a tumble and completely kills your self worth and confidence. Without being able to halt it, your mind questions everything and its hard not to become self critical.

All that takes time and patience to run through. Just know. You are not to blame. You are amazing and strong and all this will do is make you stronger in the end.

I hope you have some really good friends arround you who know what has happened and support your self worth.

So sorry OP. It’s natural to feel animosity towards those who had a hand in trashing your life, OW are not innocent bystanders, they know what they’re doing, even if your husband is the one who was unfaithful to you and broke his vows. Sleeping with other people’s partners is wrong and absolutely grim behaviour as far as I’m concerned.
However, feel it, just let it out, then focus on what’s important: you.
She’s not worth your energy or headspace. Let your anger turn to pity: just thank God you’re a decent person and not her.
He likely has no idea how his little holiday from accountability got him into this mess. It was all so much fun at the time… the first casualty was the truth, lying to himself to justify it, lying to OW to try to her happy, and lying to you to cover it all up without rocking his cushy boat at home.
Too late, Romeo, the door at home is locked and there’s nobody on the balcony any more.
Have a good rant, yell, cry and vent as much as you need to.
They have both hurt you beyond measure and both deserve your contempt.

Hope you're OK OP and you got through Xmas x

Yes. How are you now OP?

How are you going, OP? Hope things have settled and that you're forging a life you desire.