Follow up Thread, Husband in 2 year affair and wants to come home

[Thescornedwife]

Hey, I have been advised to start a new thread by a poster as the other was about to run out!

In a nutshell, my husband was in a 2 year emotional and physical affair with a co worker. He left me 6 months ago stating he didn’t love me anymore but failed to say it was because he was in a long term affair. Love has been professed and he has been living with his parents for 6 months but been at his affair partners house more times than he can count, playing happy families with her.

he didn’t come on our family holidays this year and he has devastated our DD’s. He has told so many lies it’s flabbergasting! He came clean to me under duress because the OW had left her husband and moved to her own place and I now believe she wanted more commitment. There was also the fact that people at work had found out and the jig was up, OW left her job because she didn’t want to work beside him anymore and in doing so, she said she was going to confess all and that the relationship and lies were over for her. So he had to come clean.

to top it off, DH is employed in a very good job with my uncles company with my dad being an investor, he has left his job also because he was asked to because of the fact he massively broke their trust (trust is a big thing in my family) and he and her were using the workplace to have sex in at weekends and after hours, and also during the work day, so gross misconduct.

it’s all a mess and only been 5 days and I’m still reeling and hurt to my very core, I went down the worm hole of reconciliation websites and got myself so confused. The help and advice on here has been invaluable! Real people with real experiences and feelings! All the help I can get is more appreciated than I could ever explain!

I’m actually more dumbstruck than I already was. OW isn’t even trying to reconcile with the husband, at least she has some sense (dare I say, the heartless cow). So what it would achieve I do not know

There is a madness about his meeting up suggestion. What the fk will come out of that?

Carve your own path OP. Forge ahead as you see fit and take whatever action sits comfortably with you.

As for intrusive thoughts, they will eventually pass but not overnight. It might take months but I can assure you it will pass. You’re just looking for answers. Your brain is just trying to work things out.

Just block him on everything. It really does help. Maybe keep an email address open to him but shut him down just as he did to thoughts of you when he was bring intimate elsewhere.

Tell him to just fuck off.

Whatever you do, don’t agree to this crazy meeting. OW doesn’t get a vote in what happens to your marriage. OW’s DH doesn’t get a vote in what happens to your marriage.

He's deluded OP, you're definitely better off without him. It's classic narc behaviour, he wants an audience and likely already has a script prepared of the bullshit he wants to spew

Don't even think about it OP.

Do NOT take him.back

It would help you to read Chump Lady writing about reconciliation and the emotions involved.
She also has a podcast 'Tell me that your Mighty'.

I was a wife who 'forgave' and stayed for the family and his affair was a huge betrayal, on every level. It was when our son was 4 and we'd been together 7 years.
I thought the infidelity trauma went away but I know it never did. It got buried and affected me in odd ways all my life.
I divorced him after 36 years together on discovering another affair and huge betrayal.
To then find out he'd cheated on and off throughout the seemingly happy marriage. I had no idea. It was my son and daughter who'd spotted the affairs over the years.

This is worth a listen
https://www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/4-an-interview-with-andrew-g-marshall-is-reconciliation-possible-after-infidelity/

You are amazing as you can feel how it is. It's hurting and so so painful but your instinct is to step back from more harm.
He may never do it again but by staying you send a message that what they did is OK and in my experience, the next time they have a 'thrill/ego opportunity' they hide it better.

The fear of the unknown, the fear of dividing up assets (and in my case a financially comfortable life that had taken us 36 years of hard graft to build) and the feelings of rejection conspire to send us back.

Yes he has. Don't!

Please don’t go and relive his affair with him & other woman you are so much more classy and better than that. This is not something you deserve, however i can see that your blinkers about him are coming off and once you truly see him for who he is you can never un-see it - he is a selfish, spineless nobody

Yes he has. Don’t even contemplate it OP. He’s maybe got some weird fantasy that you’ll hook up with the OM and you can all live happily ever after. He’s batshit.
As for the intrusive thoughts you have, they will eventually become much more manageable and will become a side note rather than your main focus. It will take a while but the more you can carry with YOUR life, meeting your friends, making your new memories then the better for you. A night out at the cinema, a shopping trip with friends, they all count. I used to applaud myself for managing a trip to the supermarket to buy my favourite food. It’s tough but you’ve got this.

In this meeting is he trying to expose you further to the hurt he has caused you? It seems so to me.
He has a ridiculously high opinion of himself and absolutely no regard for you or OW’s husband.
Laugh at him, dismiss him as trying to establish a spouse swap and definitively wave him goodbye.

Can I ask for anyone reading this of positive stories for leaving? I need the inspiration right now: I don’t doubt it’s going to be hard, but some light at the end of the tunnel perspectives from people who have left would be great for me right now

Not sure how this works but PM me.

There’s no going back. I’ve tried, the hurt lingers in you forever. It just twists your stomach in knots and there will never be the trust that you need in your marriage to make it worth it anymore. I’m sorry, but that’s how I think.

And as I’ve said, a person who cheats has no moral compass or any real integrity and aren’t really capable of real relationships. It’s all about them all of the time.its not worth your love, time or effort.

My world became bigger after I left, when I was married I was a Mum and a wife, I was not a person in my own right.

Everything I did, I did for him or our children.

When we split I discovered a whole world with lots of fun things available to me.
I also realised how ground down and miserable I had been over the years....him moving out let the light in and my mood and feelings all changed to be more positive.

My husband had numerous emotional affairs during our whole marriage (17years), I never forgave or forgot - I brushed them under the carpet and carried on with life as he would threaten suicide and blame his childhood.
I used to check his phone religiously and although he would behave for a while he soon went back to his old ways and would start another emotional affair.
Each time he was caught he would deny or give me the silent treatment and life would continue and we'd somehow go back to normal.
Then the next time he was caught he would admit the previous but deny the current....it completely messes with your head.

When our daughter was 8 I made the decision to leave when she was 18, I stopped checking his phone, I didnt care what he did, I detached myself from him.
In this time I realised that if he committed suicide it was his own decision and I could have no guilt. It wasnt my fault he had no respect for me.

7 years later he asked me to get his work phone from upstairs and for some reason I looked at the home screen and the notifications and there was a message from a woman l, I accessed his phone and read their messages and it was another emotional affair, he'd actually asked her on a date!

I ended our marriage that day and eventually he moved out, his mental health declined and mine got better.
He actually told me that he did it all for an ego boost and he never intended to leave me...he couldn't understand how disrespectful he had been to me for years.

His life imploded. Mine didn't.
He has a new girlfriend now but has treated our daughter appallingly...think moving new girlfriend in after a few weeks etc
Our daughter has a very fractured relationship with him and sees him about 7 days a year whereas before she was a Daddies girl and split her time 50/50.

You will be a stronger, better person after all this.

What hobbies do you have?
Do you have friends?

The world is your oyster 💛

He wants you to what??? Wow, the sense of entitlement is strong in this one isn’t it?
He wants you to “discuss it like adults”? Like he did? Oh wait, no he didn’t, he lied and cheated and betrayed but now he wants YOU to step up and be the adult? If it wasn’t so infuriating it would be laughable.
Obviously, do not entertain this lunacy. He made his bed he can absolutely fucking lay in it.
Can you block him? Set up one email where you can discuss the children only, and you can check it when you see fit? Remove his access to you, he threw it all away, he can live with the consequences.

I know it hurts but getting through this pain is all you can do right now. You don’t need to try to feel positive about the breakdown of your marriage. Allow yourself to feel the emotion, don’t hide from it. Eventually it will pass and you will feel peace within yourself.

You have so much to look forward to eventually. Your children love and respect you, your family are there for you, you have a good job and the possibility of finding a partner who values and cares about you. All the while knowing you have integrity and never intentionally hurt the people you claimed to love. Your ex is not that man. He values what you can give him. And he even threw that in your face by moving out to appease his mistress.

Where was his need to ‘be an adult’ when his children asked him to come on the family holiday? No he was more interested in keeping the OW happy. There is no need to agree to meet up with them. He’s already proved he’s still in contact with her by suggesting it. That tells you everything you need to know about how remorseful he really is. They have both lost everything, their marriages, their homes, their jobs. This meeting will be them setting the narrative with phrases like ‘it just happened’ and ‘we didn’t mean to hurt anyone’. No doubt it will end with ‘We just need to protect the kids and be the adults here.’ I wouldn’t be surprised if they have decided to get back together and want you both to accept them as a couple now as they ‘will be part of the children’s lives’.

Just ignore him. There is nothing he can say to make it better. He’s lost everything and he’s frantically trying to find a way where he’s not a single unemployed dad, living at his parents, while his children have lost all respect for him. As someone who cares about himself first this is not an acceptable place to be. Let him get on with it. You will soar above him and he knows it so he’s trying to keep you anchored to him. Nothing he says is for your benefit.

The absolute positive , and you might not think it at the moment , is having him out of your life .
You've got this .

There is an amazing group on FB - GraceOnline. Please reach out to Kennith and his team to support you.

Yes absolutely.

my ex had an affair. He was the only man I’d ever been with. It was a sixteen year marriage, twenty one year relationship, and we had a six year old, when he fell in love with and started an affair with a women 15 years our junior.

I was totally devastated. Thought we had been happy. But ended the marriage as he was refusing to give her up and lying. I would say it was three months of hell- feeling devastated, crying loads, desperately worried about my daughter, grieving not just him but the future as a family, disorientated world spun on axis stuff…. just clinging to coping with the most essential parts of life.

then came about six months which was a strange combo of intermittent grieving/down days, with seeds of new life and growth….. realising life goes on. Garden path is still garden path. Rediscovering myself and noticing my freedom- the air I could breathe…. Working out what colours I wanted to repaint the house, taking up dancing, which he’s always refused to do with me, getting a bit fitter….. realising I had an unexpected blank canvas I could paint a new life on…… next year was more of the fun, rich discovery, and only occasional grief pangs. By then I would frequently feel gratitude to my EX for doing such a stupid thing, because it had liberated me to rebuild my life for me and my DC. I had realised in how many ways I had compromised myself, managing his moods had been draining me etc…

Then after about 18 months, I started dating, which was exciting and a new discovery curve, and a source of some very amusing stories.

Six months later I entered a relationship with a remarkable, kind man who loves and adores me and treats me very very well… and is also an incredibly sexy hunk. I hadn’t aspired to be with a hunk (in fact I probably had some prejudices about them), but once I got my hands on those muscles….. and I never tire of gazing into his gorgeous eyes. He is incredibly creative and driven with purpose in the world, in a way that has opened up whole new realms for me too.

five years later, we are married. And we are three years on from that. We are deliriously happy. He’s an incredible step father. My DC is happy and grounded and at peace. They still have a good, regular relationship with their dad, which I support.

I am far freeer, more grown, with a richer happier essence than I ever was before. My DH is in every way an upgrade. I would not swap this journey for anything, even though I didn’t initiate it.

OP, you will get there. If he did this to you, I think it is highly likely he didn’t make your life better in lots of other, smaller ways before that that you never even noticed. I think you will rebuild and find happiness without being tied to someone capable of such dishonesty and cruelty.

im wishing you luck and hope this story is encouraging! 🙂

I haven’t experienced this as a wife, but as a daughter. My mum was messing around on my dad for years. My dad finally had enough got the courage to leave. He married my DSM, and they’ve been married for 40 years now. DSM is a wonderful grandmother to my children, who adore her. She isn’t a step-grandparent to them, but a real grandparent.

Lovely post , it great to hear that life has a way of sorting itself out .

OP he sent you far far too much information 'in the interests of being honest' and now he's suggesting a meetup to 'get it all out in the open'.

Is he getting off on this somehow? Is this some sort of weird subtle boast or showing off? Because no one with the slightest ounce of common sense or sensitivity thinks that sending their wife detailed information about their affair unasked is a good idea, and no one with the slightest sensitivity thinks that getting round the table and having a good chat about all the details is anything other than fucking idiotic.

Does he generally have the social skills of a dead rock, or is something else going on?