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Original poster

DP wants a church wedding. I don’t

80 replies

stitty · 27/10/2025 08:52

He’s baptised and believes but doesn’t regularly go to church. I’m atheist.
Dp really wants a church wedding and a vicar to marry us, I’m not too bothered about a vicar marrying us but I don’t want it in a church. I’d prefer a venue. In all honesty I don’t want all the bible verse reading and hyms. That feels all so unnatural for me obviously and the church we looked at said we must picks a verse from the bible each to read if getting married in the church.

has anyone been in this situation? What did you do in the end? Has anyone got a vicar out to a venue instead? Is that something that can even be done?

OP posts:
Dontsparethehorses · 27/10/2025 08:54

Vicars don’t normally perform ceremonies in other venues no - however they are normally flexible about what the service looks like. I would suggest you both having to do a bible reading is very unusual. However they would normally include a talk/ sermon from the vicar as part of it.

Clementine12 · 27/10/2025 08:54

If he feels this strongly about this, when else might his faith and your lack of cause issues? If you have children, will he want them baptised and raised believing?

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 08:56

Oh and btw, I’m not too bothered about the vows having reference to religion. As it means a lot too my DP but just don’t want it in a church. Thanks for any help :)

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 27/10/2025 08:56

When we got married with in a venue with a civil ceremony we weren’t allowed anything religious at all, no hymns and readings had to have no religious connotations

No5ChalksRoad · 27/10/2025 08:58

Clementine12 · 27/10/2025 08:54

If he feels this strongly about this, when else might his faith and your lack of cause issues? If you have children, will he want them baptised and raised believing?

This is what I was wondering.

As an atheist myself, I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who takes guidance from the supernatural.

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 08:58

@Clementine12 he doesn’t practise. Eg sex before marriage obviously wasn’t a thing to him as we have a child together. He is happy for DS not to be baptised and understand both of his parents views on things and he can decide himself as he’s older if he wants to be baptised

OP posts:
SparklyBlueDress · 27/10/2025 08:59

My atheist friend had the Corinthians Love is patient, love is kind reading at her child’s naming ceremony. I’m pretty sure that she didn’t realise it was from the bible. I don’t think you’d find something like that too objectionable as I bet you’d agree with the words and there’s no mention of God

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 09:01

He’s also said one of the main things about a church wedding is the vicar to do a speech about those there within spirit after loosing his dad etc. I think that’s mainly why he wants it in a church tbh.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 27/10/2025 09:03

If your boyfriend is religious then surely he would think that it would be wrong for an atheist to make vows before a god they don’t believe in? I’m an atheist but try to respect all religions and there’s no way I would have considered marrying in a church - it would have been incredibly hypocritical.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/10/2025 09:03

A vicar is only licensed to perform a marriages in a church. Some elements are legal and cannot be changed, others are flexible.

You can only be married in a church you have a connection to. So either where you live in the parish or where a family member goes to church, or you were baptised. So you need to look at the parish church where you live, and the one where his parents go or he was baptised.

Then speak to the vicar about the difference between you and see whether they can accommodate you. It won’t be unfamiliar to them.

OccasionalHope · 27/10/2025 09:06

You could have a civil ceremony and then a church blessing, like Charles and Camilla did.

As PP have said a civil ceremony can, by law, have no religious elements at all. You even have to be careful with music.

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 09:07

@OccasionalHopea church blessing after is a good idea! I’m going to be chewing his ear off after work😂

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 27/10/2025 09:08

Could you have a two ceremonies? A legal/civil one in a venue and then have a church blessing? For legal reasons, marrying outside the UK, I had 'two weddings' like many do on the continent and elsewhere. The first ceremony was a legal ceremony at a courthouse with a magistrate (cf. in France at the mairie) and the second, a few days later, was a church wedding.
If your DP's main interest is the vicar's talk then maybe a blessing ceremony would work for you. Or maybe, as part of your 'venue' wedding, your DP's vicar could give a talk?

DelphiniumBlue · 27/10/2025 09:08

You could speak to a few celebrants to see if they will speak about " those there in spirit", they might be able to do that. Or do it in the speeches.
A church wedding will always have a religious aspect.

CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 09:13

I don’t think you can have anything religious at a civil venue can you?
Personally, I just wouldn't get married if I was in your position. I’m not going to make promises I have no intentions of keeping.

No5ChalksRoad · 27/10/2025 09:15

SparklyBlueDress · 27/10/2025 08:59

My atheist friend had the Corinthians Love is patient, love is kind reading at her child’s naming ceremony. I’m pretty sure that she didn’t realise it was from the bible. I don’t think you’d find something like that too objectionable as I bet you’d agree with the words and there’s no mention of God

She didn’t know that was from the Bible?

AliceMaforethought · 27/10/2025 09:18

No5ChalksRoad · 27/10/2025 09:15

She didn’t know that was from the Bible?

Show quote history

Why do you find that surprising? Not everyone has a background which includes Bible readings.

Gloriia · 27/10/2025 09:20

Clementine12 · 27/10/2025 08:54

If he feels this strongly about this, when else might his faith and your lack of cause issues? If you have children, will he want them baptised and raised believing?

This. If the service and venue is causing issues maybe you should rethink the whole thing. This should be the easy fun bit.

user2848502016 · 27/10/2025 09:21

Maybe find another church? They will have parts of the ceremony that are fixed but most of it is flexible, and you picking a reading each is very unusual.
You could have only one hymn for example, and we just had one bible verse reading at our wedding- read by SIL (The Corinthians love is patient one which is from the bible but not overly religious)

No5ChalksRoad · 27/10/2025 09:22

AliceMaforethought · 27/10/2025 09:18

Why do you find that surprising? Not everyone has a background which includes Bible readings.

Show quote history

I think it’s just basic cultural awareness and curiosity.

If I were to use a verse at an important ceremony, the least I would do is research its origin.

Coffeeishot · 27/10/2025 09:23

Dontsparethehorses · 27/10/2025 08:54

Vicars don’t normally perform ceremonies in other venues no - however they are normally flexible about what the service looks like. I would suggest you both having to do a bible reading is very unusual. However they would normally include a talk/ sermon from the vicar as part of it.

This, i have been to church weddings and they are all different obviously a religious aspect but some more than others.

Op did you not know he would want a church wedding?

NewtonsCradle · 27/10/2025 09:25

I think you're better off focusing on the logistics. If you hire a venue for the service and reception there's no travel in between. If you have a church service you have to figure out where people can park and then make sure no one gets lost enough en route to the reception venue. Based on my own experience of wedding planning I suggest you price everything up and then have the discussion based on budget and convenience for your guests eg 'this option is cheaper but we might lose some guests what do you think?'

newrubylane · 27/10/2025 09:26

Yes, PP is right, you can't have any religious stuff at all in a civil wedding. They even get your music choices for religious overtones. But some venues do have churches close by or even on site (e.g. we looked at a castle with a chapel in the grounds) where you might potentially be able to accommodate a civil ceremony followed by a blessing on the same day.

C152 · 27/10/2025 09:26

If your DP is flexible on who will perform the ceremony, you could choose a deconsecrated church as the venue - some are really beautiful but, obviously, the service would not then contain religious references. Perhaps combine with a religious blessing at a later date, as someone else suggested?

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 09:31

@Coffeeishothes not always wanted that. We were happy to do a register office , until we went through everything and he realised that he can have no talk about those in heaven, there in spirit etc as it’s classed as religious beliefs obviously. So now to say what he’d like to say it would have to be in a church

OP posts: