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Original poster

DP wants a church wedding. I don’t

80 replies

stitty · 27/10/2025 08:52

He’s baptised and believes but doesn’t regularly go to church. I’m atheist.
Dp really wants a church wedding and a vicar to marry us, I’m not too bothered about a vicar marrying us but I don’t want it in a church. I’d prefer a venue. In all honesty I don’t want all the bible verse reading and hyms. That feels all so unnatural for me obviously and the church we looked at said we must picks a verse from the bible each to read if getting married in the church.

has anyone been in this situation? What did you do in the end? Has anyone got a vicar out to a venue instead? Is that something that can even be done?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 14:03

PhuckTrump · 27/10/2025 13:18

You’re entering into a marriage, which means years of compromise ahead (for both of you). Someone needs to compromise here.

DH actively wants a church wedding so that he can include his father’s memory in the service.

I’m not seeing signs that you “actively” want a registrar wedding for sentimental reasons—only because you don’t have a religion either way.

It’s not a compromise if he gets the wedding he wants and the OP gets one she doesn’t want!

DurinsBane · 27/10/2025 14:03

stitty · 27/10/2025 09:43

@TMMC1 it’s not a problem in our daily lives, and hasn’t been for all the years we have been together. As I said he isn’t practicing, doesn’t go to church regularly..just on Xmas eve for an hour. It’s no bother to me. I’m not against religion and I’m open to everyone’s beliefs, it’s just not something I’m into myself and I’d feel like a fraud going into a church and reading bible verses! He is also very open and fine with people who don’t believe/isn’t pushy at all. It’s worked between us for all this time so his belief is not something I’m not willing to marry him over.

Are you just non religious rather than atheist? As you say you aren’t against religion, and atheists are against it.

CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 14:05

tripleginandtonic · 27/10/2025 13:57

I think it's a bit like veganism, the one with the strongest belief tends to get their way.

Only if the vegan insists that the other person eats vegan food. Or vice versa…

TodoRonnieRonRon · 27/10/2025 14:07

At my son’s recent non religious wedding the celebrant mentioned his and his wife’s deceased grandparents. It was a lovely but very brief part of the ceremony. I’d not experienced it before and found it hit just the right note.

CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 14:07

DurinsBane · 27/10/2025 14:03

Are you just non religious rather than atheist? As you say you aren’t against religion, and atheists are against it.

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Atheists aren’t against religion. They just don’t think it’s a real thing. You can be as religious as you like so long as it doesn’t impinge on my life.

RosiePosie007 · 27/10/2025 14:15

I would not be happy at all for my wedding to be centred around a deceased person. There’s subtle ways to enjoy his memory as pp have suggested. I don’t think a wedding is the time or place for mourning.

Username157 · 27/10/2025 15:33

I say this as an atheist who was dragged to church every Sunday as a kid, that if my DH was a Christian and I’m a non believer I would be getting married in church. I quite like the songs though and I think you can choose from different versions of the vows too. The service isn’t that long really and, as a Christian it is probably really important to him.

TheDenimPoet · 27/10/2025 15:39

Clementine12 · 27/10/2025 08:54

If he feels this strongly about this, when else might his faith and your lack of cause issues? If you have children, will he want them baptised and raised believing?

This. This is something that will cause big issues down the line, OP.

Katiesaidthat · 27/10/2025 15:41

Smoggy1 · 27/10/2025 13:42

Presumably a church wouldn't marry a couple where one wasn't a Christian? Can you just say it's against church rules since you're not Christian?

No idea what CofE is like, but a good friend married a hindu in a Catholic church and they had the ceremony for "marriage of a Christian with a non-Christian". I read one of the two texts on the institution of marriage (which was used funnily enough in Pride and Prejudice when Lydia marries Wickham!).

Jinkslinger · 27/10/2025 15:47

You could try a different church but if you need a bible passage how about 1Corinthians 13 4-7? It just talks about love and is a wedding classic

mindutopia · 27/10/2025 15:50

This is premarital counselling 101. The officiant who married us (I’m Jewish, Dh is atheist and we had a humanist wedding) did several sessions of counselling together as a requirement of agreeing to be our officiant. This is exactly the sort of stuff we had to work through together in our sessions. I can’t say enough how useful it was. It set the stage for how we wanted religion and spirituality to be in our marriage and our family.

Basically, you have to agree to the extent it impacts you and not beyond what’s comfortable for both of you. I wouldn’t do something religiously in my own wedding that i didn’t believe in. It’s your marriage. It’s not like mouthing a hymn at someone else’s wedding. It’s literally the foundation for the rest of your life together and you have to be on the same page or you have to get on the same page.

mindutopia · 27/10/2025 15:54

Also there is no reason you can’t honour family who aren’t present in a non-religious wedding. Dh and I both lost our dads as teens. Our officiant acknowledged that in the address she gave during our wedding.

Themoles14 · 27/10/2025 17:29

My husband very anti religion but I really wanted to be married in our local church (this was back in the day before all these venues were legal!). He gave in and we had a fab vicar, my husband said it was the best part of the day!

softlyfallsthesnow · 27/10/2025 17:59

Smoggy1 · 27/10/2025 13:42

Presumably a church wouldn't marry a couple where one wasn't a Christian? Can you just say it's against church rules since you're not Christian?

If it's CofE then, as the Established Church, anyone living in the parish is entitled to marry there as long as they're legally free to marry.

Any clergy telling you otherwise is wrong. If you want a church in a different parish then there are conditions.

Constantlurker112 · 27/10/2025 18:17

We were at a wedding at a non religious venue, the wedding happened with the registrars then they left the building and the vicar did a blessing at the end. The rules seem to be about the registrars not being able to have anything religious in their part of the ceremony but vicar was fine to do a blessing at the same ceremony.

APTPT · 27/10/2025 18:25

No5ChalksRoad · 27/10/2025 09:22

I think it’s just basic cultural awareness and curiosity.

If I were to use a verse at an important ceremony, the least I would do is research its origin.

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Agreed. Lifelong atheist, not a Christian background at all even, but that is a very famous and well-known verse. And you would want to know the background of anything read out at yoyr baby's ceremony in case it was a Rolf Harris poem or an extract from Ayn Rand, surely

Haveanaiceday · 27/10/2025 18:45

If you are the type of atheist who just doest believe rather than actually anti religious and feels it to be a negative thing, I'd still have a talk with your fiance about what your beliefs are and how you would feel if things changed. What if he becomes more religious in future and wants to go to church regularly and bring any children up Christian? That's worth talking about when you have different beliefs.

If you get that sorted out I would go for the church if it's meaningful to him. To me the church is so traditional it almost doesnt matter about the religious side (a bit like Christmas) the beautiful setting is very nice if you want a traditional white wedding. Even if you aren't religious most people are a quite familiar with the wedding ceremony just from seeing it on TV and in movies, so it won't seem weird.

DurinsBane · 27/10/2025 18:50

Smoggy1 · 27/10/2025 13:42

Presumably a church wouldn't marry a couple where one wasn't a Christian? Can you just say it's against church rules since you're not Christian?

How about all the people who get married in their local parish church? The majority of them aren’t believers!

Smoggy1 · 27/10/2025 18:52

Katiesaidthat · 27/10/2025 15:41

No idea what CofE is like, but a good friend married a hindu in a Catholic church and they had the ceremony for "marriage of a Christian with a non-Christian". I read one of the two texts on the institution of marriage (which was used funnily enough in Pride and Prejudice when Lydia marries Wickham!).

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I was hoping that would just be a good excuse to not do a church wedding...never mind

CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 19:03

Haveanaiceday · 27/10/2025 18:45

If you are the type of atheist who just doest believe rather than actually anti religious and feels it to be a negative thing, I'd still have a talk with your fiance about what your beliefs are and how you would feel if things changed. What if he becomes more religious in future and wants to go to church regularly and bring any children up Christian? That's worth talking about when you have different beliefs.

If you get that sorted out I would go for the church if it's meaningful to him. To me the church is so traditional it almost doesnt matter about the religious side (a bit like Christmas) the beautiful setting is very nice if you want a traditional white wedding. Even if you aren't religious most people are a quite familiar with the wedding ceremony just from seeing it on TV and in movies, so it won't seem weird.

Being anti religious is not part of being an atheist. Some atheists are also anti religion. That is not a “type of atheist”. It’s two different things.

travailtotravel · 27/10/2025 19:05

Civil ceremony and religious blessing?

Vitriolinsanity · 27/10/2025 19:07

I was married in church, neither of us were regular churchgoers but I’m baptised and my husband was confirmed.

The vicar was Australian and an absolute riot! Welcomed all the believers and heathens, and encouraged us to pick readings and hymns that would unite the congregation which were I Vow to Thee my Country and Jerusalem. Given the majority of men were rugby players they raised the roof. The vicar smiled and said, yep there’s believers in all of us when we are all willing on the home side.

Haveanaiceday · 27/10/2025 19:10

CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 19:03

Being anti religious is not part of being an atheist. Some atheists are also anti religion. That is not a “type of atheist”. It’s two different things.

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Spanish Inquisition Time GIF

I didn't expect The Spanish Inquisition.

CurlewKate · 28/10/2025 07:25

Haveanaiceday · 27/10/2025 19:10

I didn't expect The Spanish Inquisition.

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Pedantic, I know. But entirely relevant to this thread!

MrsRonaldWeasley · 28/10/2025 10:14

@stitty My Dad is a retired vicar and he has married people in hotels and other venues. Churches are (obviously) registered places where weddings can take place. Vicars can also (this is what my Dad did on the ocassions that he was asked to marry people elsewhere) register THEMSELVES which allows them to marry people in an unregistered place... if that makes sense?

I, myself, am not religious at all (probably as a result of my religious upbringing!) and neither is my husband but we did get married in a church because we liked the tradition aspect to it rather than the religious aspect. Hope you and DP find a compromise you are happy with.