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Original poster

DP wants a church wedding. I don’t

80 replies

stitty · 27/10/2025 08:52

He’s baptised and believes but doesn’t regularly go to church. I’m atheist.
Dp really wants a church wedding and a vicar to marry us, I’m not too bothered about a vicar marrying us but I don’t want it in a church. I’d prefer a venue. In all honesty I don’t want all the bible verse reading and hyms. That feels all so unnatural for me obviously and the church we looked at said we must picks a verse from the bible each to read if getting married in the church.

has anyone been in this situation? What did you do in the end? Has anyone got a vicar out to a venue instead? Is that something that can even be done?

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/10/2025 09:32

Different churches approach this differently. For instance my OH's funeral was in our local country church - it is a particularly interesting church in a wonderful setting and it meant something to him for musical reasons. The vicar was happy to acknowledge that lots of holy stuff would be inappropriate as he was not a believer, but asked only that we include the Lord's Prayer at the end, which we did.

Does your partner want a particular church/vicar?

I married in church because my future MIL was very committed and I did not feel strongly enough to want to create a rift from Day One - I went with the flow.

GoBackToTheStart · 27/10/2025 09:32

If what your Dp wants is really about acknowledging the passing of his father, could you have a civil ceremony but include a memorial candle lighting element or similar to acknowledge those no longer with you but still carried in your hearts? As long as it isn’t religious it’s fine to include things like that. You could then have a more directly religious element in the speeches to acknowledge those there in spirit, but it wouldn’t be a vicar performing it.

You could also reserve a seat in the front row and have a photo of his DF so he is there?

Coffeeishot · 27/10/2025 09:34

stitty · 27/10/2025 09:31

@Coffeeishothes not always wanted that. We were happy to do a register office , until we went through everything and he realised that he can have no talk about those in heaven, there in spirit etc as it’s classed as religious beliefs obviously. So now to say what he’d like to say it would have to be in a church

Ah right that is fair. Can you do a blessing at the venue? Obviously you would need to see if a vicar was free etc but they can do that so registrar marries you.

SodaPopEarWorm · 27/10/2025 09:36

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 27/10/2025 09:03

A vicar is only licensed to perform a marriages in a church. Some elements are legal and cannot be changed, others are flexible.

You can only be married in a church you have a connection to. So either where you live in the parish or where a family member goes to church, or you were baptised. So you need to look at the parish church where you live, and the one where his parents go or he was baptised.

Then speak to the vicar about the difference between you and see whether they can accommodate you. It won’t be unfamiliar to them.

None of this applied to us when we got married in a church. We had no connection to it, no family member attended and we didn't even live there.

It was in our hometown where we were both from but had left 5 years earlier and basically really pretty. This was back in the late 1990s though when venues weren't really a thing yet. Booked an appointment to see the priest, I was raised Catholic, DH was raised CofE neither of us had a strong pull to a faith. Priest was laid back, fun, welcoming, basically said God will be looking down and welcoming everyone in with open arms. I didn't have any issue with that but I do not believe in a God.

We chose some hymns because we liked them and I am not sure how many hymns are sung in both CofE and Catholic churches. The sermon was just the priest talking about marriage and coming together, there wasn't a heavy lean on the God part. The only thing we had to do was attend church for the reading of the banns.

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 09:36

@Mischance no specific church. We’ve moved over 150 miles away from both of our home towns so he has no long standing relation to any church in our new area, as pp said I understand that we have to get married in our local parish church, we are looking to have our wedding in the county we are in now, as most of our friends are here and have small children. We both have small family’s who will be happy to travel here and wouldn’t find it a bother.

OP posts:
TMMC1 · 27/10/2025 09:38

I'd be rethinking this. Fundamental issues if you aren't aligned on things like this.
Personally I am not religious at all, although I was confirmed as a child.
I do think that Churches are magnificent and stunning buildings. Are you able to embrace the beauty of the venue and focus on that?
What sort of 'venue' would be your choice and why?

My feeling is you stay together for now and don't get married at all.

Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 09:39

Great ideas all. I’m sure we would work through this any which way, but it is important for me to grant my DP wishes of talking about his late father , someone who was very important to him and we are saddened he’s not here to attend. The candle lighting and photo on a chair is a lovely idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
stitty · 27/10/2025 09:43

@TMMC1 it’s not a problem in our daily lives, and hasn’t been for all the years we have been together. As I said he isn’t practicing, doesn’t go to church regularly..just on Xmas eve for an hour. It’s no bother to me. I’m not against religion and I’m open to everyone’s beliefs, it’s just not something I’m into myself and I’d feel like a fraud going into a church and reading bible verses! He is also very open and fine with people who don’t believe/isn’t pushy at all. It’s worked between us for all this time so his belief is not something I’m not willing to marry him over.

OP posts:
NautilusLionfish · 27/10/2025 09:48

Growlybear83 · 27/10/2025 09:03

If your boyfriend is religious then surely he would think that it would be wrong for an atheist to make vows before a god they don’t believe in? I’m an atheist but try to respect all religions and there’s no way I would have considered marrying in a church - it would have been incredibly hypocritical.

It's more complex than that. Cos the opposite is kind of true no?

CoucouCat · 27/10/2025 09:48

I do not think I’d put a photo of his late father on a seat at the ceremony.

At one wedding I attended, the happy couple had a projector screen showing huge photos and videos of the couple and their happy family times together. It was lovely - maybe you could do something like that and includes lots of photos of DH’s dad and the others from older generation too. You might be able to gather quite a lot of wedding photos - my mum had the most fabulous tangerine-clad bridesmaids at her 60’s wedding! It would get people reminiscing about loved ones and happy times past, in a positive way. I guess you’d need to check it wouldn’t have people in floods of tears though …

I thinkthe religious blessing is a nice idea, even just getting a vicar to privately pray with your dh and you can be present for that toz

NautilusLionfish · 27/10/2025 09:51

If you end up doing a church wedding here are some verses to consider . They are about passionate love and desire!!

Song of Songs 7:9-10 (NIV): "May your mouth be like the finest wine, the kind that goes down smoothly for my lover, that glides over lips and teeth. I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me".
Song of Songs 7:11-13 (NIV): "Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night among the henna blossoms. Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love".

FajitaNightCap · 27/10/2025 09:53

I’m afraid I’d have no patience with someone who wanted a church wedding purely because he wants the celebrant to talk about his dead father being ‘there in spirit’.

Cantsleepdontsleep · 27/10/2025 09:54

Our vicar let us choose one bible reading and one not, you could ask yours to do this and each choose something pertinent to yourselves. We had a church wedding as both schooled c of e although one of us is an atheist and the other agnostic. I suppose we both hold with the ethos of the church/community and that gave strength to our vows, despite not actually believing in god (we had explained this to the vicar too!). Similarly, as a witness, I swore to tell the truth on the bible as this held more weight for me than just swearing I would.
i suspect this will be very important to your husband, especially if he is seeing it as a connection to his father. Would it feel very different to the intensity of your vows doing it in church rather than at a nondemoninal ceremony? A blessing may be your only way forward if so - but does your partner feel his vows would be lessened this way?

CurlewKate · 27/10/2025 09:55

AliceMaforethought · 27/10/2025 09:18

Why do you find that surprising? Not everyone has a background which includes Bible readings.

Show quote history

I find that surprising too. It’s so ubiquitous-and anyway she must have sourced it from somewhere, and it would have been attributed.

PhuckTrump · 27/10/2025 13:18

You’re entering into a marriage, which means years of compromise ahead (for both of you). Someone needs to compromise here.

DH actively wants a church wedding so that he can include his father’s memory in the service.

I’m not seeing signs that you “actively” want a registrar wedding for sentimental reasons—only because you don’t have a religion either way.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 13:24

Vicars only do it in churches. You could do a non church ceremony and a blessing later. But I am like your husband and would go with the church as you want him to feel the wedding is real and he wont if it’s not in church.
Corinthians ‘love is patient, love is kind..’ is a good bible reading that you’ll probably agree with.
do you not have any favourite hymns from primary school that’s you’d be happy to sing to? Eg lord of the dance? All things bright and beautiful?
churches are beautiful and cheap venues too!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2025 13:27

stitty · 27/10/2025 09:43

@TMMC1 it’s not a problem in our daily lives, and hasn’t been for all the years we have been together. As I said he isn’t practicing, doesn’t go to church regularly..just on Xmas eve for an hour. It’s no bother to me. I’m not against religion and I’m open to everyone’s beliefs, it’s just not something I’m into myself and I’d feel like a fraud going into a church and reading bible verses! He is also very open and fine with people who don’t believe/isn’t pushy at all. It’s worked between us for all this time so his belief is not something I’m not willing to marry him over.

I was similar to him but I’ve got a lot more into it since having a child just to warn you! I’ve christened him and taking him to church now!

gannett · 27/10/2025 13:39

stitty · 27/10/2025 09:39

Great ideas all. I’m sure we would work through this any which way, but it is important for me to grant my DP wishes of talking about his late father , someone who was very important to him and we are saddened he’s not here to attend. The candle lighting and photo on a chair is a lovely idea!

Can he not talk about his father without making reference to those who are "there in spirit" or whatever the guidelines don't allow? (I didn't actually know that would be forbidden in a registry office wedding!) Surely you can find a combination of words that allows him to honour his dad without tipping into overt religion.

I understand your position though - as an atheist there isn't a chance I'd get married in a church. I'd also feel like a total fraud. But I don't think I could be in a relationship with anyone who was even vaguely religious in the first place.

Smoggy1 · 27/10/2025 13:42

Presumably a church wouldn't marry a couple where one wasn't a Christian? Can you just say it's against church rules since you're not Christian?

Snoopysimaginaryfriend · 27/10/2025 13:47

I’m a Catholic, DH isn’t baptised at all. We married in a Catholic church but didn’t have a full mass. DH was happy to attend meetings with a priest and a Catholic marriage course and our children are baptised etc.

I’m not sure if it would be an option for you to just have a wedding ceremony without a full mass?

AtomicPumpkin · 27/10/2025 13:51

If you need a Bible reading, pick one of the sexy bits from the Song of Songs.

Hollietree · 27/10/2025 13:52

We got married in a country house and had the civil ceremony. Then later on in the garden our local vicar did a little blessing ceremony in the gardens.

Alasandalack · 27/10/2025 13:55

OccasionalHope · 27/10/2025 09:06

You could have a civil ceremony and then a church blessing, like Charles and Camilla did.

As PP have said a civil ceremony can, by law, have no religious elements at all. You even have to be careful with music.

This!!!!!

SJM1988 · 27/10/2025 13:56

I think the only compromise is you have a separate church blessing. But that is a big compromise for your DH to be if he feels strongly about this reasons for a church wedding.

I'm not much help though as I ended up converting to being catholic as it was important for the DH to have a full catholic service. I didn't mind either way so I compromised. Don't regret it at all.

tripleginandtonic · 27/10/2025 13:57

I think it's a bit like veganism, the one with the strongest belief tends to get their way.