My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

@Thescornedwife I still love him

I find this way of thinking fascinating, obviously it’s only been a few days since you found out and feelings can’t be turned off and on ( well his feelings can) but right now at 11:25 on a Sunday WHY do you still love him and want him back?

No. He’s REALLY not sorry. You mentioned he’s lost his job. He’s essentially lost everything; you’re his last shot at survival. If he had the financial means, you’d cease to exist in his world. Leave him be. You’re worth more than you think or know.

Hi OP. Firstly I wanted to say how sorry I am; you must be in complete shock and quite rightly, devastated.

I know everyone is telling you to leave and I absolutely agree with all of them - for your children’s sake as much as yours.

My mother found out about my father’s affair when I was twelve and booted him out immediately. Obviously as the child I was heartbroken, but I will always remember a friend asking if I would like them to get back together and I said I would never respect my mother again if she did.

My mother not only survived but absolutely thrived. She was adamant that she would remain single and did, very happily, for many years until she met my now step-father. She now honestly says that she is glad my father did what he did as she wouldn’t have the life she has now.

She taught me that I don’t need a man to make me happy and secure - I could do that all on my own.

I know that’s a long way off for you at the moment; everything is horribly raw and right now being happy again seems totally unfathomable but it does, and will, happen in time.

Please, do NOT derail this thread and the support that is being provided to @Thescornedwife by getting into a discussion/argument about constructive dismissal or any other legal aspect about employment. Start a new thread if you want to have that discussion but this thread is to support the OP.

There's been a few links/ mentions on the thread to Chump Lady and I really recommend getting g her book (it's an easy read, not lengthy and each chapter deals with all your going through. And puts how you feel deep down into simple words.
I saw it recommended on here and read it 24 hours after my final D Day ( yes I am one who 'reconciled' after Affair no 1 when son was 3) . My final D Day was 31 years later.
It explained so much to me.
Their 'Script' (all the same when I thought it was just my XH), the behaviours and why something inside me died at that first betrayal. Emotions that I buried for 30 years that surfaced as little body issues or little neurosis's etc.

I had suspicions throughout that he had further dalliances after affair 1 but never got proof and I couldn't afford to leave plus we always got on really well . People thought we were the perfect couple and in his view, we were. But he liked to step outside it sometimes for the thrill, for the ego boost, for his own reasons but also loved to have a 'good wife' , a safe family set up, and having me work myself to the ground running and innovating our business driving it forward.

He was flabbergasted that I ended it after nearly 37 years as he thought I would 'pick me dance' and put him centre again. He was also enjoying the OW desperately pick me dancing for him too. Really warped behaviour now I look back (nearly 4 years ago now).

I think comments on here putting you down for not making instant decisions are unnecessary and show little insight into the range of gut wrenching emotions you're feeling now.

My best advice now would be to still keep him at arms length and put the house. Formalise somehow the child visiting so he takes them out and isn't hanging about in the family home plus get counselling for you to help deal with the awful feelings of rejection.
Take this space to find yourself and make yourself strong again.
All I can say is it does take time and on some ways, the pain never goes it just gets smaller as other parts of our life get to grow.

https://amzn.eu/d/85zrh0m

I've read most of this thread and seems to me you'll take him back. You've had some great, insightful posts here from all kinds of perspectives, and the one being the daughter in particular. I hope I'm wrong, however it appears you've made up your mind already even if you don't fully realise it yet.

I agree. The OP appears to have made up her mind, accepting her husband back. Asking a poster if she had children, was enlightening. She's looking for any excuse, and her children are the perfect one, to justify taking him back.

Can I ask if he cheated again?

@Thescornedwife if you take him back and cheats again how will you know? Genuine question, as he was in a two year relationship with a woman he worked with in YOUR FAMILY’S company! It was happening right in front of you, in front of people you know and you were clueless. So if he did again you wouldn’t know, he would also hide it better the second, third, fourth time around.

@99bottlesofkombucha - agreed as to substance but even for gross misconduct there are processes to be followed so the claim would be for failure to follow the relevant process.

quite the opposite today actually but I can see where you would think that because I can see I’m making excuses and hoping for a happy ending story (I was I’ll admit) but not now, not after reading the thoughtful insightful posts from people who don’t need to take time out of their day for a stranger to try and help me. That’s more than what DH has done for the last 2 years isn’t it? Reading these has helped me see things from the other side rather than me being the person in it.

It has only been 4 days now and I am hurting and scared and reeling! Please be patient! I have a feeling I have more lies to be uncovered and I’m shitting myself to hear any more but as one poster said, I need to put my big girl pants on. I have read every single last post, I’m not skimming and looking for what I want to hear. I have taken it all in. I am a strong person normally, I have a great career and friends and family galore, I’m not sure why this has weakened me so much. Even strong people can be derailed by this amount of betrayal! It’s like an alternative reality and each update I give feels more and more like someone else’s life. But it’s mine and all of it true! I am sleep and food deprived and hanging on by a thread but I will keep going, I have to x

You ask how he could get you to make a massive financial commitment to the house while he was having this affair. The short answer is- he does not care about you. You are a means to an end, possibly having a nice lifestyle and a family that make him feel good.

You think if you let him come back that he won’t go back to the OW, but you thought when you married him that there wouldn’t BE an OW to go back to!

This man is manipulating you. Guarantee it will end up being your fault, whatever you choose- he won’t want to take responsibility for his actions. He is entirely self serving, and you can’t attribute any love or affection for you, to any of his actions. Only what serves him best.

Look after yourself @Thescornedwife , try to eat easy food like soup to nourish and strengthen yourself. 💐

Not all affairs can and should end a marriage. It depends on how it was conducted and how the spouse having the affair dealt with affair and their spouse and the end of the affair. as these determine whether reconciliation is possible.

In your case, your husband appears to be taking you and your family for fools. Especially you by minimising the affair and therefore not taking on responsibility for his mistakes. This is poor start to any possible reconciliation. Adding to this is the fact that he started “coming back” to you only when he knew he was going to lose his job. Don’t for a minute think he didn’t know he was going to lose his job before the day he was told. Unless he is also stupid he must know his activities in the office would have eventually got him the sack. You know exactly why he’s back coming back, cos he has nothing else -
she’s left, job gone, no house - it’s not you he’s coming back for.

Don’t do to yourself what he’s done to you OP.

He would be with her if he could be.

Remember that when you're wondering what to do

And teaching teen girls to accept any scraps that's on offer for the sake of 'but he's sorry'... No, no, no.

Abuse of trust causes confusion op, that's why you feel confused.

You deserve to be happy, waht do you want?

@Thescornedwife - as you say and some have observed, this is all new and hideously painful to you. And terribly shocking. Frankly, i think sharing the evidence with you has an abusive element.

You’re allowed to tell him he mustn’t send you any more of that filthy stuff and that you don’t want to hear any more from him unless it’s to do with the DCs. And since they’re 14 and 17, they can communicate with him directly if they want to. You could give him an email address to communicate on (purely about the DCs) and block him on text etc.

You gave him space when he wanted it to the extent he refused to come on holiday despite your DCs begging him to do so. Now it’s your turn. You could tell him he must give you space.

Suicide threats are normal. This is emotional blackmail. You could tell him you will ask the police to do a welfare check on him and/or get someone (not your DCs) to alert his parents.

He trying to bulldoze you into taking him back. You need to protect yourself against that.

I've had this happen to me 15 years ago, and my life now is so much happier than I could ever have imagined. Men who are 'good dads' etc leaving because they've 'fallen in love' with someone else is so common that there should be a library full of PhD theses on the subject - that's what my therapist at the time told me. The agony and shock you are feeling are extreme. Do not let them blind them into ruining a future you cannot yet even imagine.

I don't want to repeat what others have said so I'll go a step further. These affairs have a long-term disastrous impact on marital/family finances and your husband has gone a step further and lost his job. You need to protect your share of the marital pot, your house and other assets, at all costs. The person you need to see next is not a marriage counsellor, but a really good family solicitor. Lock down all finances you possibly can in the meantime in case he goes on a spending spree.

Please, please, do not 'follow your heart' on this one, OP.

You're not stupid, op, but christ almighty where's your self-respect?!

This man loves no one but himself - he certainly doesn't love you. Nor does he respect you.

Your girls won't either if you take him back and you could permanently damage your relationship with them if you do.

Be heartbroken. Take time to fall fully out of love. Grieve. Work your way through confused feelings.

But for the love of god don't believe his woe-is-me act.

My mother always used me and my brothers as the excuse to take my father back, ignore yet another affair. It was a load of shit. Neither of them were thinking of us, my mother didn't want to work and my father waited until his youngest child was 18 before leaving, because he didn't want to have to pay child support.

I would be here all day if I detailed all the crap they BOTH put us through in our childhoods, but I'm nearly 60 and the effects are still being felt by all of us to this day. I don't think the OP realises that her daughters will be absorbing what is going on, will learn from what she now does and carry it forward to with them into their adult lives. I was in my late 20s before I really started to realise how fucked up my childhood was and how that was in turn impacting on the (bad) decisions I was making in turn.

It hasn't been 4 days. He left you 6 months ago after a 2 year affair with a woman who left her husband as well.

You still have a long way to go to process his long term affair, and it plays mind games looking for justifications to go back to the family you thought you had a year ago. You can't go back.

He left you for another woman, in a long term affair. You'll never trust him again.

You, like most us women, are stronger than we think we are. You don't need a cheating arsehole in your life, he'll drag you down and will keep making you unsure about your value because lying and emotional manipulation is easy for him.

Don't for a moment think you need him in your life. You are a million times better than him in character and strength. You just need to put on your bitch boots on.

Now you say you're lonely,
You cried the whole night through,
Cry me a river, cry me a river,
I cried a river over you...

If he loved you he wouldn't have hurt you. So he doesn't, and he can't.

Question:

My husband is cheating scum, was shagging a colleague in a family firm while on the job and eventually moved out and was fired from his job, is that wrong?

He has totally fxxked me and my children over by proceeding with a huge financial commitment on our home during this time, is that wrong?

He has also manipulated me by threatening self harm which is a textbook play from the book of cheating lying scum, when they get caught, shit blows up in their face and they decide they need to return home to regroup and decide what works better for THEM, is that wrong?

Am I judging my husband harshly? No
Is he continuing to manipulate me with constant texting? Yes

Are my poor innocent children collateral damage in this shit show? Yes

Does he give a fxxk about me or our children? No

I feel so so sorry for your children.
Contact the police and report his threats of self harm.
He is abusing you and those poor children.

Wake up and give your head a wobble.
Your children deserve one parent who puts them first.

Has anyone been down the absolute worm hole of reconciliation? It’s unbelievable that it’s the top hits when looking for some help from realising an affair.

its all about “let them grieve the affair partner, it’s normal” what the f@ck? It’s all about limerance and not real love, it’s about them still loving you, it’s all about men’s stories about how they made a huge mistake and realised the error of their ways! It’s all about you can have an even better marriage and that the old one has only died and you can start a new one!

is this for financial gain? Or is it fu@ing men writing this crap! I have been fooled online and I’m an intelligent woman!

Do you have good support from your family and friends? I can imagine that your family would be pretty horrified if you did get back with him. Things would always be awkward in the future.