My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

Loads of ace advice upthread and although i’ve posted a couple of times already, I wanted to add: you talk about love. Love isn’t always a good thing. Some love is not worth having. Whatever “love” your H feels (if any), it’s clearly very poor quality love. It sounds like he did loads of seriously shitty stuff even before his affair. This love is not worth having.

And some love is not worth feeling. Your “love” for him is causing you to consider taking back a man who has done incredible harm. That love is not worth feeling. Your heart may take a while to catch up but uour head can decide now that it will not be taking that useless love into the equation.

OP, hard as this is to face, face it you must: he does not love you.

This is the affair you have found out about. It’s only three days. There may be much much more betrayal and lies to come. I’m so sorry. PLEASE check the thousands of similar stories on chumplady. She fights what she calls the RIC- reconciliation industry complex! There’s a whole counselling industry ready to take your cash and make you reconcile with this FW. Don’t do it! Would you go for counselling with an abuser? Someone who stole from you? No.

This is a man who probably got a big sexual thrill from betraying you and family in the workplace. He’s having it all! The affair, the marriage, the loving children! Fooling everyone! Adored by everyone! What a king he thinks he is!

He’s probably been cheating before this OW. Whether it’s gambling, using your - and children’s - money - whatever. This isn’t the first time he’s cheated - it’s the first time he’s been caught.
STIs are real. Bank accounts and money are real. Time with OW, presents, petrol, wear and tear on the car seat covers… these are real. Him saying sorry and threats of suicide (“poor me!”) don’t begin to touch the surface of the reality of two years of lies.

Take your time.

Oh…honey. No! That is not what she means. She means these men don’t love at all. Not like you think of love. This man never loved you and the children. He was happy with a convenient relationship and sex with you but he did not think it sufficient. He is also a gambler—you said upthread—so he is impulsive, addicted, selfish, and will lie to over things up. That is your dh. Not some sweet list boy with a wandering penis

Can't you see it's so so much worse, he lied, cheated and blew up your whole family just to get his dick wet.

I don’t think the OP should consider giving up her day job to write romantic fiction

Remember with everything he tells you - no matter how convincing he is - he is a very accomplished liar.

I'm afraid you have to put your heart on the back burner here and use your head.

Is the suicide threats a common thing? Please don’t think of me stupid, but at first and not now, there was a part of me wanting to maybe take him back so I don’t have to deal with him running back to her all at the same time as all this hurt and devastation, I’m ashamed to admit that

Same 😂

You are between denial and delusion right now and seem to be trying to convince yourself of some short of alternative truth.

If you really can't see things for what they are, you need solo counselling and lots of it.

People don't need to be mean. This woman's life has blown up 3 days ago.

He's still texting you with more information about his infidelity.. He's Still got keys and comes and goes as he pleases. You could put a stop to that right now even if initially its just to get some breathing space for a few days.

You don't need him to send you any more of the gory details... even then you don't know if its correct or carefully "presented". It's a dishonest man trying to say... I'm telling you even the worst bits - look how honest that makes me. Except it doesn't. What it does do ( and he knows this) is make you even more emotionally vulnerable so he can swoop in with a bit of soothing meaningless blandishments.

Also you said that he persuaded you to make some financial adjustments to your home..... I'm guessing that this was perhaps a remortgage to release some funds. Are those funds protected?

I know this is all pressing in on you but you have a family to lean on, get someone to help/support you go through basic things like changing passwords, moving money from accounts, credit checks, locking up important documents and papers, (there must be a list somewhere on MN) and some legal advice and some financial advice and just safeguarding your financial security whilst this is going on. Set up one of those parent apps for communicating about the children only.

Yes the suicide threats are common but probably not real. Just manipulation. They are directed at you to force you to take care of him. If he does it again call for help and get him sectioned. You are not a therapist and your home snd children are not some kind of pill that he pops or spa thathe goes to for rest snd rejuvenation.

Many many people have experienced ‘limerence’ and don’t act on it.

I am thinking he was waving money around and his girlfriend thought he was wealthy. She realises now that he is not, he has probably taken out loans in the last 6 months!! Do a credit check on him!!!

He is up to his neck in it. You owe him nothing. Use this advantage to buy him out of the house. Get legal advice. Talk to your family. Get support.

Don't be ashamed. It's human. Everything you are going through now, it's just human. Please don't be ashamed. Put shame where it belongs - with the person who acted immorally, and is now trying to ensure that his life isn't made more uncomfortable than it has to be.

Op only you can decide what to do. Counselling is a good first step to help get your head round everything. I would take your time. Give yourself space from him and others if needed to process it all. Maybe try writing out how you feel. Definitely don’t let him back into your life because you love him. Sometimes love isn’t enough. His behaviour has had a massive effect on you and your children.

Suicide is a very common threat. They use it to manipulate you. Make you fell sorry for them and guilty all at the same time. Don’t fall for it x

I would go with the PP who said wait 6 months. There is so much to process here. You need space and time to work through all of this by yourself and to get used to separate life without him. If he still wants to come back after that time AND that is what you truly want, then it may be worth a try. But I don't see how you could take him back at this point when you're dealing with all of the anger and shock.

If he really cared about you he would give you time and space and not be putting pressure on you now.

Oh @Thescornedwife the fact that you took from this is that he may love you I think is exactly what the issue is

he left saying he needed space wasn’t sure he loved you and now he is saying he does and that is what you are clinging onto

but that kind of love isn’t enough he just doesn’t want to be on his own

the betrayal he did is far worse than falling out of love - your children are old enough to know and to (and this will be hard for you) understand that whilst he did betray his family the betrayal of them was less

This man is a selfish piece of shit. Please please don’t go back to him OP. Love and respect yourself and do not take him back. He is a cunt!

Very common. He's manipulating you. It's that "look what you made me do" thing. If he does actually try to kill himself, which he won't, or not seriously, that's on him, it's his decision. It is not in your hands and you're not responsible for what he does.

Suicide threats are a common thing yes. Any threat, pressure on you, to get what he wants. Which is not you I am sorry, it is you as a useful wife appliance. Any threat like this is not your responsibility at all- refer him to mental health specialists..
Of course you feel foolish and ashamed. Of course you want to take him back. But look at your motives for wanting this- its out of suffering and desperation.
You are an honest person and committed to an equal relationship. He isn’t. All he’s after is the return of status quo.
How do I know all this? I was interested in narcissistic behaviour (long story, not my partner thank goodness) and came across chumplady - Tracy Schorn. She has a refreshing take on this, summed up simply as Lose a cheater gain a life.
You want him to stop having sex with OW so you are willing to sacrifice your integrity for what exactly?
Tracy calls this the pick me dance. And how this is going to work? I’m sexier than her! love you more than she does! Wow he is going to love that isn’t he! More ego massages for him. And nothing but humiliation for you.

Dip into her blog, take your time.

He has burned you and is now asking you to put your hand back into the fire to be burned again.

Why would you do that?

He doesn’t love you, he misses the security you gave him.

The best advice I can give you is speak to a divorce lawyer and a therapist. One to extract you from this marriage and the other to help you sort out your mind and emotions.

You sound financially secure so what could he bring back to the marriage other than uncertainty, questioning and a sense of not being good enough?

You deserve better and your DC need to see this.

No, he blew up his whole family because he cares about himself more than he cares about his family.

He cares about sticking his penis into other women more than he cares about his promises to you.

He care more about himself than his own children's security.

Why are you looking for reasons to keep him around??? He is not the man you thought he was. That man is gone. This man is only in it for himself and is hoping you won't see through his bullshit because he needs you to support him financially.