Another birthday one

[Kitchenpie]

DH and I went for a long weekend away. We were visiting an elderly relative of mine, who is unwell and we probably won’t see again. We flew home on Monday, and my birthday was Tuesday.

In duty free, DH asked if I wanted to chose something for my birthday. He‘s got form
for being shit with gifts. I told him I‘d rather have nothing than choose my own gift in duty free. I asked if he has got me anything for my birthday and he said I’d have to wait and see. Then I went to the bathroom for a little cry. Mainly about my relative, but partly because of DH.

The next day he gave me some Swarovski earrings. Nice surprise. Then I thought- I‘m at home every morning so I know they didn’t come in the post. We live in the arse end of nowhere so he can’t (and won’t) have gone shopping. And he was with me all weekend when we were away. So I asked if he got them delivered to his work. He said he got them in duty free when I went to the toilet (he doesn’t know I was crying).

So basically if I hadn’t gone to the toilet, he wouldn’t have got me a birthday gift. It’s ok for me to be annoyed about this, right?

It‘s a milestone birthday next year. How can I avoid a big disappointment? Please don’t say LTB. He‘s a good DH in all other ways.

Why not have a day out on or near your birthday, lunch somewhere fancy then go shopping together. A new handbag, jewellery, whatever. My point is this. Men typically don't have enough imagination to come up with ideas for the perfect gift. If you want to be sure of getting something you'd like you have to get involved. Or risk disappointment.

I'm sorry but he asked what you would like and you told him nothing. What's wrong with choosing your own gift?

if he got you nothing you would've been upset.
he's got you something, and it's still not right.
and you refused to choose your own gift.

sorry.. but YABVU and a bit spoilt. Sorry!

Unless I’m missing something and there’s not a massive drip feed to follow then your DH really tried hard and you sound over dramatic very entitled and unreasonable.

I always did bc my husband has thee worst aste of any person I’ve ever met

If you liked them then I don't really see the problem - if I received a nice gift on my birthday I wouldn't ask about the provenance (i.e. did you get these delivered to work?) It sounds like ahead of your big birthday you need to choose what you want and let him know in ample time.

He asked me two or three times in the weeks running up to my birthday what I wanted. I gave him some ideas.

He left it until the day before my birthday, and only managed to get me something because I went to cry in the toilet.

I don’t think that makes me a princess.

How is not putting any thought into a gift then wanting someone to choose their own gift a day before their birthday “trying really hard?“

Buy your own stuff. Dh and I dropped presents years ago no need. I don’t get the present thing - my friends insist on it and I think it’s stupid - they coo of it’s so lovely when people think of you - I get them a gift because it’s expected of me - I don’t think kindly of them because they insist on this - it’s another job to get done. Buy you our own lovely stuff - your chat does not like shopping for gifts.

I do honestly think you are being unnecessarily harsh on your H.

Perhaps I'm biased but if my H had said I could chose something in the Duty Free for my birthday present I would have been delighted.
I think the fact you liked the earrings until you realised where had bought them comes over as downright snobbish to me.

Why do you expect your H to jump through hoops to buy a birthday present for you?

No one has called you a princess.

I didn’t say I don’t like the earrings?

I love them, I don’t care that they were bought in duty free.

It’s the last minute- ness that has annoyed me. The lack of thought.

I’m with you OP. I don’t get these other posters at all!

So, you liked the earrings, you had something nice to open on your birthday and it’s not even a big birthday? I’m honestly struggling to understand what you’re unhappy about?

Op some people like buying gifts, some don’t - if the health of your relationship depends on your dh’s ability/enjoyment of buying gifts you have your answer - he’s not the one for you. Because if he doesn’t enjoy buying gifts and you insist upon the whole thinking about me and my gift for weeks, that’s not going to happen. It does mean love to him.

Sorry I don't understand what's so offensive about doing something at the last minute? Is planning ahead a litmus test of how much someone cares now?

Fairly sure the majority of presents I've bought in my adult life were bought at the last minute, if not late.

What she’s saying is had she not of gone to the toilet she would have woken up on her birthday with absolutely nothing!

op I get where you’re coming from and yes I’d feel the same way, there was no thought put into it at all.

Same here! I associate effort with caring. If he knows it’s important to you then why not make the effort? I think you would have been happy either way anything tbh as long as he had put some thought or effort in!

He thought enough about it to pick something nice that you really like.

I mean given the way you spent your weekend: away visiting an elderly sick relative I think he has every excuse for chosing birthday gifts not being his number one priority.

I'm sorry OP but it sounds as though you are determined to find fault with your H over this gift.

It comes over as though your attitude, like so many people on MN, is that your birthday is a world shattering event and you are entitled to wonderful presents as signs of adulation. .

Well... she did go to the toilet. And she woke up to a present. I don't get the issue?

But then I'm in a relationship where if DP or I get each other a present a few days late, it's not interpreted as uncaring or thoughtless, because we show each other love and care all year round, not just one day a year.

Some of my best-received presents have been one-click Amazon jobs because something popped into my head.

I'm so glad to be in a relationship where I'm not being graded on effort, anyway.

My DH is often a last minute Johnny when it comes to buying gifts! I don't hold it against him as he is a brilliant husband in other ways - just rubbish at gifts and spends too long procrastinating!

Your DH got you a lovely gift - just be grateful and let it go. There are more important things to get worked up about in life.

Would it not save a lot of stress in your marriage if you and DH just agreed not to do presents any more? You could just have a fantastic night/day out instead, lovely food, film/theatre/whatever you enjoy.

DH and I did this years ago and it is soooooo relaxing. We have happy times and memories and don't have a load of shit (we don't need or want) gathering dust at the back of cupboards.

In a long marriage you just get to the point where there's nothing you need, barely anything you want and you've already bought each other everything anyway.

Each to their own, you are not the op. She knows what she wants and we are all different in how we like to be gifted.

He may have been waiting for an opportunity to purchase something he'd seen and knew she'd like. Or, he may have tried to 'create' an opportunity where he could sneak off and buy them while the OP was otherwise distracted. Who knows?

Fact is, after being 'shit with gifts', he picked something the OP loves when, really, he could have grabbed anything just to have something. The whole interrogation over when the gift was purchased would have me wondering what the point actually is? It's more like some kind of test where only the OP knows the criteria.

And really, does it really matter if a gift isn't given upon rising? Are we 5?
I rarely buy in advance for my families birthdays but I can assure you I love them very, very much. Buying a gift on the day of the occasion is, in no way, an indication of the level of my 'love'. Especially when I show, with words and actions, every day how much I care 🤷‍♀️

I'd like to be a world class concert pianist please.