Another birthday one

[Kitchenpie]

DH and I went for a long weekend away. We were visiting an elderly relative of mine, who is unwell and we probably won’t see again. We flew home on Monday, and my birthday was Tuesday.

In duty free, DH asked if I wanted to chose something for my birthday. He‘s got form
for being shit with gifts. I told him I‘d rather have nothing than choose my own gift in duty free. I asked if he has got me anything for my birthday and he said I’d have to wait and see. Then I went to the bathroom for a little cry. Mainly about my relative, but partly because of DH.

The next day he gave me some Swarovski earrings. Nice surprise. Then I thought- I‘m at home every morning so I know they didn’t come in the post. We live in the arse end of nowhere so he can’t (and won’t) have gone shopping. And he was with me all weekend when we were away. So I asked if he got them delivered to his work. He said he got them in duty free when I went to the toilet (he doesn’t know I was crying).

So basically if I hadn’t gone to the toilet, he wouldn’t have got me a birthday gift. It’s ok for me to be annoyed about this, right?

It‘s a milestone birthday next year. How can I avoid a big disappointment? Please don’t say LTB. He‘s a good DH in all other ways.

This is making a massive assumption that if she hasn't gone to the loo, he wouldn't have been able to go out later on and get something for her. I'm assuming OP doesn't keep him shackled once they get indoors 😂

Tried hard by getting her to choose something in a shit duty free shop ? No he made NO effort.

I agree - I prefer effort all year round not just for birthdays - of course all year round is often just the little things someone will do for you to show they were thinking of you, not the grand gestures, you couldn’t keep it up and it would get dull, but as an adult with financial independence why do you need others to value you with big gifts?

@logplant i don’t think the op wanted a big gift here .., she just wanted to feel like she thought about and that her partner made her feel loved
and cared for. One way we can do this is make someone feel special. I was married for 15 years and most of the time my husband wouldn’t get me anything or ruin the efforts of others. I spent most birthdays in tears. When I met my dp he brought me a birthday cake, he listened to me when I told him what my favourite was in a conversation 9 months ago and sang happy birthday. I was in tears as all those years being married and I’d brought my own cake so my kids could sing to me. He also took me away to a spa and he does little things all year round.

you sound ghastly

OP i get it. It just seems a bit thoughtless to ask you as you're walking through duty free. And after all this time, he should know what you like. It's not difficult, and if he wanted to pay attention then he would.

Pp are being cruel and missing the point. He doesn't think, or plan, around your birthday and you have every right to expect better from him.

OP your dh is lovely in many other ways, thinks about you, is kind, considerate and you feel loved by him - he could be a lot less. But he's not good with gifts. Are there things you aren't good at within the relationship - are there things you could try harder with or is this gift thing the only let down? Because I think you went looking for that scab to pick when you asked about the delivery - maybe you were feeling very sad about your relative and you wanted to self-destruct a bit more - do you normally behave like this around your birthday?

If you want your next big birthday to be amazing, then organise it yourself because you have expectations and there is a big risk your dh will fail to impress you, and that will ruin your big birthday. You can't change your dh - you think he's a good bloke - accept that he doesn't do gifts very well and plug the gap.

But if this is all about his inability to prioritise your birthday and put lots of effort into making it the best day of the year for you - I think you might be flogging a dead horse - he's not that guy. (I'm not that woman - if my dh wanted me to do all that stuff we'd have to have serious words because it ain't me and I would be completely dreading his birthday every year - thankfully he's not into birthdays much either) Maybe you two need to have a talk.

I don't think he tried hard.
Beware the cool women on Mumsnet (and don't pay attention to their comments).
Sorry this happened to you x

I think you’re quite difficult if I’m honest

If he's great in other ways, but rubbish with gifts you can overlook this one OP.

I understand you are annoyed about it being last minute, but people don't always look at things in the same way and you just came back from a trip so maybe he was just very busy? It sounds like he was thinking about your birthday if he asked you many times what you want so he does care. Just appreciate the lovely gift he did get you and make it a positive memory.

There are loads if things to choose from in duty free! Perfume, chocolates, jewellery, clothes, handbags! I think it's its nice that he got you an expensive present on your birthday. My husband isn't great with gifts but I always get a card and have to literally tell him what to gift me, otherwise it's just a bar of dairy milk!

Going to say that maybe your are taking your upset feelings over the ill relative out on your husband.

I agree. Sobbing in an airport toilet does seem a huge over reaction

Fgs.. What's wrong with you.. ?
He offered you to choose a gift..so you refused.
So he chose a suprise for you .You sound ridiculous and spoilt

We don’t do many surprises. We usually choose our own gifts so we all get something we really want. Even my adult kids. We do buy things like stocking fillers and other things and I’d be happy for him to surprise me with earrings if I hadn’t have already chosen something. If I really wanted a pair of designer boots, I’m going to send him the link to them. It’s not a hint, it’s what I want. No confusion. He does the same and our kids.

I think you're making a big drama out of nothing. They sound like a well chosen gift.

How do you know your husband wasn’t planning all along to buy you a gift of your choice from duty free?

You sound somewhat entitled and I think to be fair your husband, it sounds like, can do better than you.

Now go and cry in your bathroom and realise how ridiculous you are.

You woke up on your birthday and were given a present that you really like.

Why does it matter when it was bought?

Some people have such low expectations of their DH. I would be upset about this too, it's not about what he got you but the lack of thought and care. My DH wasn't much of a gift buyer when we got together but I communicated to me that I value it and he listened and now makes a real effort for my birthday and special occasions - not lots of money spent but he puts in thought and effort. For some people it's not important and that's fine, but it does matter to you and that's also fine. I think it's important you're clear that you're upset by what happened and talk about it and agree together what your expectations are of each other moving forward.

This 👏 the whole gift giving is overrated and over hyped...I rather go out have a good time and eat something nice.... Also every year it's more expectations 🙄 especially with friends.

Buy your own tell him to give u the money , men are mostly useless at gifts anyway

You said you didn't want to choose your own gift, and you didn't.
'if you didn't go to the toilet, if you didn't cry'............. this is how surprise presents have to work. When you're at work, when there's a moment, when it's possible.
I'm pretty good at presents, my beloved isn't. I've just made a birthday cake, he came in and the house smelled like cake; he's still pretending it's a surprise.

Who are 'the cool women'?
'Sorry this happened to you' is more appropriate for assault or bereavement than receiving a present you like, albeit without the correct amount of forethought in it.

I think it’s not very gracious to quiz him about whether or not they were delivered to his workplace and to try to work out where and when he bought them. Why not just accept them with joy and love instead of trying to find a negative. You already know he’s not good at sourcing gifts so why go down that rabbit hole of pulling his gift-giving apart so that you can judge him. That’s not love.
I’m sorry you are sad about your aunt, but I have to say that I think you are being a bit precious about the circumstances around the gift buying.

My DH doesn’t do birthdays/christmas/presents in general at all, to the point that the concept of them annoys him. Naturally for our first Christmas together I went out of my way to annoy him (by wrapping up things he already owned) and “gifting” them to him on Christmas morning to make it look like I’d gone overboard. I don’t do gifts either - we’re both adults who earn enough money that we can buy what we want when we need it, without having to wait for an arbitrary occasion to hand them over. That said, we do draw each other a card every year…