Another birthday one

[Kitchenpie]

DH and I went for a long weekend away. We were visiting an elderly relative of mine, who is unwell and we probably won’t see again. We flew home on Monday, and my birthday was Tuesday.

In duty free, DH asked if I wanted to chose something for my birthday. He‘s got form
for being shit with gifts. I told him I‘d rather have nothing than choose my own gift in duty free. I asked if he has got me anything for my birthday and he said I’d have to wait and see. Then I went to the bathroom for a little cry. Mainly about my relative, but partly because of DH.

The next day he gave me some Swarovski earrings. Nice surprise. Then I thought- I‘m at home every morning so I know they didn’t come in the post. We live in the arse end of nowhere so he can’t (and won’t) have gone shopping. And he was with me all weekend when we were away. So I asked if he got them delivered to his work. He said he got them in duty free when I went to the toilet (he doesn’t know I was crying).

So basically if I hadn’t gone to the toilet, he wouldn’t have got me a birthday gift. It’s ok for me to be annoyed about this, right?

It‘s a milestone birthday next year. How can I avoid a big disappointment? Please don’t say LTB. He‘s a good DH in all other ways.

I would have loved choosing my own gift in duty free……loads of channel perfume, body products and mascara later and I would have been very happy. But each to their own I guess.

Not sure why you couldn’t just love the earrings without having to dig around where he got them tbh.

If he is shit at presents, write him a big wishlist and he can buy from that.

You sound like hard work.

I think it depends on the duty free 😂 a crap one with nothing in it vs every shop under the sun. Depends how it was presented as well - as a duty free treat with lots of variety of I forgot and pick some chocolates …

Swaroski earrings are lovely you are bu to get upset because your DH purchased them in the duty free shop, does it matter you got a nice present.

ME,ME!ME! … how awful you didn't get the crown jewels… sit back for anmo and think… 2 weeks before my milestone birthday i became seriously ill whilst also caring 24,7 for alzheimers father, then i had an eye detatchment, then dad had to go into care as i was in bed ill… the point i,m making, sod the material stuff and be grsteful for your and your loved ones health….

Well, he was accompanying you on what must have been an emotionally challenging and not very fun visit.

Does that count for nothing?

And what’s wrong with the duty-free shop? Why interrogate him about his shopping?

I’m sorry to hear you have an elderly very unwell relative .
I think that’s caused you to feel this way instead of being pleased with the earrings you feel like he’s not bothered

Your poor husband. If this is indicative of life with you then he’s a saint for hanging around as long as he has.

My husband is much better at buying presents for me than I am for him (in my defence I have lots of hobbies/interests which lend themselves to gift giving and am also an enthusiast so often say how much I like things we see etc and the same is not true of him!). I don’t love him any less! If your husband is lovely other ways then I reckon lean into this and have a shopping date before your. If birthday together as PP suggested up thread.
OP I wonder if your grief over your family member has done a bit of a number on your head just now so you’re reacting more strongly over this than you otherwise would? Just a thought because sometimes it’s only later I can look back on things and realise that I wasn’t really upset over the thing I thought I was upset about, iyswim.

I totally get it! It's not really about the gift so much as the lack of thought that has gone into it. When my BF of 6 months asked me what I wanted for Xmas I said I didn't really NEED anything and hoped he'd surprise me. He certainly did. I got a £5 box of chocolates! I was devastated, especially as I had put a lot of thought into the TWO gifts I had bought for him, which btw he loved! The relationship only lasted 12 months as this proved to be the first off many selfish behaviours.

Did you say...
I don't really need anything
or
I don't really need anything, so I'm hoping you surprise me

Some blokes just have no imagination when it comes to gifts. Get over it.

Sorry yes I think Yabu it seems there’s no pleasing you

sorry Yes there doesn’t seem any pleasing you

I think it sounds like you were looking to be annoyed at him- why push him to say where he got them from? I’m sorry though, sounds like you’re having a difficult time.

This.

Your DH bought you a present.
He gave it to you ON your birthday.
And you like it (so it wasn't just a random grab of the first thing that came to hand, he did actually think about it).

There's no point in worrying about might-have-beens!

And, as others have said, if you want something special next year start planning it early and give him LOTS of instruction about how you want it to be.

Thinking about it, what bothers me about the idea that you need to put significant "thought and effort" into birthday presents is that it turns every single birthday into some sort of "do you love me enough" litmus test that your partner will either pass or fail.

In a healthy relationship that isn't even a question you think about - you take it for granted because you show each other all year round - and the answer isn't to do with whether they planned your present for 5 months in advance or got it on the spur of the moment the day before.

I dont mind choosing my own gift. Each to their own. I would have sent messages to him to say what you want.

Well you are a nightmare to buy for, if I was him I wouldn’t have bothered.

Some people make a big deal about birthdays and presents, others don't. One friend has a birthday week every year, another hates presents and refuses them! Xx

try and think about it another way. If you hadn't gone to see the relative, he probably would have snuck away for an hour and bought you something that weekend, or panicked saturday evening and got something delivered on Monday.

Still fairly last minute, but sounds as though that would have passed your arbitrary "sufficient thought" deadline, and, if you live in the 'arse end of nowhere,' probably wouldn't have been as nice as the earrings you did end up getting.

You've got a husband who loves you enough to give up his weekend to travel with you to see an elderly relative, is generous enough to have bought you a fairly expensive present and pays enough attention to you to know what you might like (come on, in duty free you could have ended up with a cuddly toy and random perfume). Being annoyed solely because of when he bought them is just cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you like the present why does it matter when exactly he got them.

If you hadn't gone to the toilet so he ended up not getting you anything for your birthday (or got you something shit you didn't like) then you might have a right to be annoyed with him - but surely you must understand it's a bit weird to be annoyed with him about a hypothetical situation that DIDN'T HAPPEN!

And some women wonder why their husbands leave…

This.

Maybe he has thought for you to choose something from duty free as your gift. When you said no, he had to then change his plan and get you something quick, saw the earrings and knew you’d like them, which you did.

happy belated birthday! And hope you overlook this and enjoy your loving husband.

I would actually love to pick my own gift in duty free, if it's a decent one. There is always something I want that I wouldn't buy for myself. If you don't want to do that, that's obviously fine. And you didn't do that anyway.
If you like the gift why fuss over when it was bought? More important that you liked it and he chose it?