Really disappointed by 50th birthday (yesterday)

[Katherine9]

I didn't want a HUGE fuss but hoped I'd feel a little bit special on the day. DP hadn't known what to buy, so when he asked me a couple of weeks ago, I suggested a necklace or a locket, maybe with my birthstone (this opens up a huge range of options and costs, so I hoped it was a helpful suggestion without being overly demanding, specific or expensive). A few months before that, I'd suggested we go to a murder mystery dinner close to the date of my birthday in a restaurant nearby. I assumed he'd bought the tickets when we discussed it in August.

He'd booked the day of my birthday off work. At 6 am, he got up to let the dogs outside as usual, and came back to bed ranting about a dog going to the toilet on the kitchen floor during the night. This rant lasted about 30 minutes - much longer than it took to clean up - and you'd have thought it was me who'd got up in the middle of the night and shat on the middle of the floor. No mention of my birthday. An hour or so later, we properly woke up again and it was clear any sort of intimacy wasn't happening so I got up and showered. When I came back into the bedroom, he sullenly handed over a 'Forever Friends' birthday card, a bottle of perfume, and explained the necklace hadn't arrived and reviews online said it can take about 6 weeks despite what the company promises. He also asked if I'd booked the murder mystery evening and I said no. Unfortunately, I didn't explain that I assumed he'd done it months ago.

We went out to get breakfast from a burger van, and despite the fact we were passing cash machines en route, he asked if I had the cash to pay. Which I did... and then made my birthday cheesecake and dinner in the evening - without any help. We ate this dinner while he watched GB News (which I hate). Then after, he sat scrolling through his phone and I gave up and went to bed. This morning he was sulky and awkward as he went to work.

Just to make this worse, he made a huge fuss of his 50th birthday earlier this year. I spent a fortune (about £800) and took time off work that was difficult for to manage (he booked the full week off and I'm self-employed). He requested in advance that I book (and pay for) a posh meal and kept saying how important a fiftieth birthday is, so I also felt obliged to buy several expensive presents, which were sat next to the bed when he woke in the morning. I had a card made by Moon Pig which featured lots of photos of him over the years.

So, I'm feeling really sorry for myself and unfortunately, preoccupied with thinking that this reframes the entire relationship.

Bottom line - I've been a mug and he really doesn't give one shit.

Usually I'm not a fan of disappointing birthday posts, but this is shite. I think it's even a sackable offence. Book a week off work and go away either with friends or solo. I wouldn't even bother telling him and I'd probably even short circuit the electrics before I left and change my number. Hopefully when you return the cat will have eaten his face.

You had breakfast from a burger van ?

ON.HIS.CREDIT.CARD

Im inclined to think that the majority of men are this shit. I learned very quickly to organise my own celebrations or it will just be disappointing.

😩😩😩😩😩

You sound lovely @Katherine9 💐

I have to say it incenses me that these poor excuses for men find themselves with amazing women and don't realise the degree to which they're punching. (And I'm not doing that Mumsnet thing of thinking 'my man' is so much better as I'm a fully paid up lesbian mind you female partners can be a total pain in the arse too 😉)

I hope you are doing ok OP. I turned 50 earlier this month so from one October 1975 girl to another I say seize your future back from this woeful man. You deserve to be cherished 🙂

OP l am so sorry, this is just horrible.
However, does your husband have form for this?
My husband was dreadful with stuff like this when we got together 30 years ago but I made it very clear, sort it out or there is no mileage in the relationship.
I still have to provide very heavy hints as to what I would like and I often chose my own gift but it is always generous and something I would like. I would rather this than a surprise I didn't want.
We also plan what is happening on the day well in advance.
Your husband has behaved abismally and you deserve better. However I doubt you have reached 50 without him having form for this.
Time to sit him down and have a very honest conversation because your are so not being unreasonable.
I wish you well OP xx

Happy Birthday @Katherine9
You deserve better than this.

Can you ask him ‘What makes you act like I’m not as worthy as you?’
What would he say?

This @Katherine9 and don’t forget to mention you paid for breakfast and cooked dinner. He’s a knob, you are worth far more xxx

Brilliant! 😂
'Men are completely unnecessary and pointless'.

That's a showstopper even for Mumsnet and a mic drop moment. ,

Sums up in one sentence what the rest of us have taken several paragraphs to say!! 😂

That's awful, really not nice at all. I'd be heartbroken, so sorry OP. I think this says a lot about his priorities, he's really sunk low. Even an acknowledgement, a cuddle, some flowers, if he'd fucked up on the meal and gift he could have done a last minute flowers, treats, basically anything to make you feel a bit special, he had endless options surely???

The paying at the burger van part is enough for me to join the chorus telling you to hitch up your skirts and run from this joyless moron.
You deserve so much better!
Take this as the best birthday gift - permission to leave. Plot your escape. We’re cheering you on 💐 x

I hope very very much to read your 51st birthday post as a single happy woman free from this shit and surrounded by people who love and choose to show up for you. <3

Your husband
"I am not thinking of you"

You
"I understand that now"

Act accordingly now.

That’s horrible OP.
What a selfish twat he is.
I’m so sorry 😞

Without saying a word i would pack up and leave. He knew exactly what he was doing. What a fool of a man but hopefully these comments are enough to show you that you deserve more.

Op please plan something nice to do with friends or your daughter another day. Whatever you do doesn’t have to involve him! You can enjoy your birthday and have things to do that you want! Book the murder mystery and go with someone else!

Happy 50th birthday! Hope you find your happiness with a glass of wine overlooking the sea! Will be thinking of you ❤

Happy belated birthday @Katherine9

Another vote here to say you sound so lovely, he really doesn’t deserve you. He’s an utter arse. I hope you take heart from the support and suggestions you’ve had already, but I think the greatest gift you could give yourself to mark this milestone would be to bin this sub-standard specimen and take control of your own future. Give yourself a better future than he can.

I know the Mumsnet abbreviation DP is supposed to mean Dearest/Darling Partner, but in so many cases it really seems that Despicable Prick would be more appropriate.

If you pour into a cup with a hole in it, you will never get to drink.

Stop wasting...yourself. Stop pouring into him.
Get out of there.

Sorry,that you have had a Disappointing 50th Birthday.Please take care of yourself. Husband's that behave like this,never change.I do know how you feel.My Husband sounds very similar to yours,although we are in our mid sixtees.I can remember my 50th,went out with 4 work mates for a indian meal.We had a laugh & a joke.They then gave me a watch & a nice handbag for gifts.I was so overjoyed,I almost cried. I cannot even remember what my husband gave me as a gift on my 50th? Come to think if it, I cannot ever remember many over the 42years of marriage.He usually asks me,I then just reply Perfume,budget £25.00.I don't want to make him have to think too much! Poor thing! This birthday aged 65, He bought me a box of Thortons for £7.99! When you think how much work,we put into marriage,Children,home, chores! Marriage for me is just so overated.How does the song go.I can Love me better than you can!

Aww OP I’m sorry your 50th birthday was such a let down. That was really unkind of him 😔

I’d be booking a few relaxing days away with a friend, followed by getting things sorted out to leave this man. You deserve so much more.

Belated happy birthday to you 💐💐

I agree with the previous post of that 50 is really young! I'm in my 60s and would drop this man like a hot potato. He is absolutely selfish. He doesn't give a damn about anybody except himself. If you share an account I would take out the equivalent of what I spent on him and keep it for myself. I hope you find a way to break free of him very very soon. You will feel like you're on holiday, as though you have been given the greatest gift possible.

Happy 50th x

This is not love, definitely not respect, in fact it sounds like he doesn't even like you! What's he normally like to live with? My ex was a narcissist and this would have been the kind of thing he'd have done, I lived with him for 7 years and when I finally got free of him I felt like a dead person who'd come back to life. Don't let this excuse for a man crush your beautiful spirit completely, get out, 50 is still young, you don't need to settle for this crap now, or at any age. There really is no excuse for treating you like that especially when you are obviously such a loving kind person and you went out your way for him on his 50th. You can do this, put yourself first, also think of the example you want to set to your daughter? So she doesn't end up with these pathetic types of men too. Be brave x