Really disappointed by 50th birthday (yesterday)

[Katherine9]

I didn't want a HUGE fuss but hoped I'd feel a little bit special on the day. DP hadn't known what to buy, so when he asked me a couple of weeks ago, I suggested a necklace or a locket, maybe with my birthstone (this opens up a huge range of options and costs, so I hoped it was a helpful suggestion without being overly demanding, specific or expensive). A few months before that, I'd suggested we go to a murder mystery dinner close to the date of my birthday in a restaurant nearby. I assumed he'd bought the tickets when we discussed it in August.

He'd booked the day of my birthday off work. At 6 am, he got up to let the dogs outside as usual, and came back to bed ranting about a dog going to the toilet on the kitchen floor during the night. This rant lasted about 30 minutes - much longer than it took to clean up - and you'd have thought it was me who'd got up in the middle of the night and shat on the middle of the floor. No mention of my birthday. An hour or so later, we properly woke up again and it was clear any sort of intimacy wasn't happening so I got up and showered. When I came back into the bedroom, he sullenly handed over a 'Forever Friends' birthday card, a bottle of perfume, and explained the necklace hadn't arrived and reviews online said it can take about 6 weeks despite what the company promises. He also asked if I'd booked the murder mystery evening and I said no. Unfortunately, I didn't explain that I assumed he'd done it months ago.

We went out to get breakfast from a burger van, and despite the fact we were passing cash machines en route, he asked if I had the cash to pay. Which I did... and then made my birthday cheesecake and dinner in the evening - without any help. We ate this dinner while he watched GB News (which I hate). Then after, he sat scrolling through his phone and I gave up and went to bed. This morning he was sulky and awkward as he went to work.

Just to make this worse, he made a huge fuss of his 50th birthday earlier this year. I spent a fortune (about £800) and took time off work that was difficult for to manage (he booked the full week off and I'm self-employed). He requested in advance that I book (and pay for) a posh meal and kept saying how important a fiftieth birthday is, so I also felt obliged to buy several expensive presents, which were sat next to the bed when he woke in the morning. I had a card made by Moon Pig which featured lots of photos of him over the years.

So, I'm feeling really sorry for myself and unfortunately, preoccupied with thinking that this reframes the entire relationship.

Bottom line - I've been a mug and he really doesn't give one shit.

I agree - but it’s classic Mumsnet 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP, I’ve read this thread as I can relate to this with my ExDH. Thoughtless and symptomatic of larger problems.
Please think about whether you can put up with this for another 30 years. Do you have the same goals? Would you put up with mediocrity for 30 years?
I decided I wouldn’t and although it’s been tough and a bit scary at times, the weight of resentment has lifted from my shoulders.

Buy yourself loads for Christmas and wrap them under the tree. Buy him a pack of socks from Primark. Don't tell him the gifts are for you, let him think they're his. Then Christmas morning, he unwraps his socks and you unwrap your beautiful gifts. Then tell him you have 1 more surprise, pass him a wrapped gift. He unwraps divorce papers. Problem solved and you get to enjoy some nice gifts. Humans can be so thoughtless it's actually concerning. You deserve better, and I hope you listen to the advice on here. Happy birthday🖤

@Katherine9 don’t cook tonight either!

From the OP's latest post:

A few people have questioned whether he is always like this, and yes, this is fairly symptomatic of the relationship. I had just hoped for better on what I thought he understood to be an important day. There is no point in starting a discussion because he gets angry, defensive and sometimes, outright nasty.

I've read so many similar stories on my 20 odd years of MN, and been through it myself. You start to spot these types of men from the opening posts - the picture that unfolds is very rarely "nice man who made an uncharacteristic balls up". And the OP is usually a lovely people pleaser who had a shit time as a child and never learned her own worth.

Reading all this posts I am reminded of a really old episode of Duty Free (yes I am that old and the majority of people will have no idea what I am talking about).
In one episode the main characters are having an argument as she has been let down by him once again and she says to him the problem is women walk around with a bucket full of love to give, but they meet men who only have a thimble full.
Women get enjoyment from giving, men not so much so (in my experience).

I understand how upset the OP is but I can’t imagine not discussing my birthday and getting a plan. Regarding the murder mystery night did the OP not notice it hadn’t been put on the calendar, or that it was never mentioned when planning weekends? Oh we can’t see Bob and Sue that night as it’s the murder mystery dinner etc.

Same with the actual day, was the plan a burger van breakfast (they can be really nice) or was there no plan? I think it’s weird not to say you have my birthday off and I really fancy brunch at the Ivy, a nice walk and then a Chinese in the evening or whatever and then enjoy the day.

I have friends who say they don’t want a fuss and then get upset when nothing happens, they can be a bit martyrish.

Just to make this worse, he made a huge fuss of his 50th birthday earlier this year. I spent a fortune (about £800) and took time off work that was difficult for to manage (he booked the full week off and I'm self-employed). He requested in advance that I book (and pay for) a posh meal and kept saying how important a fiftieth birthday is, so I also felt obliged to buy several expensive presents, which were sat next to the bed when he woke in the morning. I had a card made by Moon Pig which featured lots of photos of him over the years.

What stands out for me here OP is that he was actually proactive in his birthday celebrations while you hoped he would just take the hint for your birthday?

You could have arranged a great day for yourself by telling him exactly what you wanted and checking he had done it, just as he had done for his. I think this is how some men are wired. He may even have thought you weren’t as bothered about you’re 50th as you didn’t bang on about it as much as he did for his.

I mentioned previously my partner has forgotten my birthday on a couple of occasions or remembered it a day or two late. Fortunately I’m not too bothered with birthday celebrations so him forgetting mine just gives me a pass to not bother with his.

Sorry but you’ve spectacularly failed to understand why the OP is considering leaving this man. It is not because she a big baby wanting a fuss on her birthday. It is because she is married to a man who doesn’t care about her and controls her by projecting his disappointment in himself into a low regard for her.
the stark comparison between his birthday and hers has made it impossible to ignore that her relationship is unkind and that she deserves much more from her one and only life.

Duty Free ❤️

I feel your pain. I’m stuck in a relationship with a man I hate. He’s doesn’t live with me anymore but the cruel and evil treatment he’s shown me shows he’s just really an evil person. For monetary reasons and we’re up there in age it doesn’t make sense to break up properties when you have children and grandchildren. It would be a mess, a lot of money and one of us will probably pass by the time anything was resolved. I hope you’re still young enough to get out. He’d give me opportunities and then take them away when I was younger. I do wish I had run away when I was still young

Good woman, mentally detach from him.
Do nothing that makes his life easier at all.
Focus all energies on building up outside support.
He sounds nasty and abusive if you cannot mention anything to him.
Not someone to grow older with.
Plan quietly and get out.
We are here for you if you need to post for support.

Anyone who watches GB news wouldn't even get in my house, never mind my life.

You aren’t compatible, just get yourself a present and do your own thing.

Think yourself lucky my 50th was spent visiting the British embassy on Tenerife to get an emergency passport after some so and so decided to nick it along with my wallet bag etc.
apart from the actual birthday day me and my partner had a great 50th birthday year. Went on a loads of other holidays and short breaks and also a month in Bali.

id go and book yourself a nice holiday somewhere you want to go not where you think he wants to go

on the whole most of my big birthdays have been a bit of a disaster.
my 30th the only present I got was a fitted sheet from my mum.
my 40th was spent with my now ex partener waiting for them to have a shit before they would leave the house, which they didn’t!
So just spent it moping around at house.

Op once you finally realise how little you’re getting, you can’t unsee it. Leave him, and enjoy potentially the next 50 years!

You are a lovely woman who doesn't deserve this selfish man
I wish you all the best in your new life x

That’s sad

I agree but I'm sure this is how he has treated her every birthday. It's probably not his first birthday at being a useless twat.
My DH is not quite so bad but I just wouldn't risk it...I would book everything myself, whether it's a restaurant, spa , whatever..I am a control person ( not a freak, hate that word)

Its okay, just remember to put yourself in good stance and give to recieve when it comes to relationships.