Really disappointed by 50th birthday (yesterday)

[Katherine9]

I didn't want a HUGE fuss but hoped I'd feel a little bit special on the day. DP hadn't known what to buy, so when he asked me a couple of weeks ago, I suggested a necklace or a locket, maybe with my birthstone (this opens up a huge range of options and costs, so I hoped it was a helpful suggestion without being overly demanding, specific or expensive). A few months before that, I'd suggested we go to a murder mystery dinner close to the date of my birthday in a restaurant nearby. I assumed he'd bought the tickets when we discussed it in August.

He'd booked the day of my birthday off work. At 6 am, he got up to let the dogs outside as usual, and came back to bed ranting about a dog going to the toilet on the kitchen floor during the night. This rant lasted about 30 minutes - much longer than it took to clean up - and you'd have thought it was me who'd got up in the middle of the night and shat on the middle of the floor. No mention of my birthday. An hour or so later, we properly woke up again and it was clear any sort of intimacy wasn't happening so I got up and showered. When I came back into the bedroom, he sullenly handed over a 'Forever Friends' birthday card, a bottle of perfume, and explained the necklace hadn't arrived and reviews online said it can take about 6 weeks despite what the company promises. He also asked if I'd booked the murder mystery evening and I said no. Unfortunately, I didn't explain that I assumed he'd done it months ago.

We went out to get breakfast from a burger van, and despite the fact we were passing cash machines en route, he asked if I had the cash to pay. Which I did... and then made my birthday cheesecake and dinner in the evening - without any help. We ate this dinner while he watched GB News (which I hate). Then after, he sat scrolling through his phone and I gave up and went to bed. This morning he was sulky and awkward as he went to work.

Just to make this worse, he made a huge fuss of his 50th birthday earlier this year. I spent a fortune (about £800) and took time off work that was difficult for to manage (he booked the full week off and I'm self-employed). He requested in advance that I book (and pay for) a posh meal and kept saying how important a fiftieth birthday is, so I also felt obliged to buy several expensive presents, which were sat next to the bed when he woke in the morning. I had a card made by Moon Pig which featured lots of photos of him over the years.

So, I'm feeling really sorry for myself and unfortunately, preoccupied with thinking that this reframes the entire relationship.

Bottom line - I've been a mug and he really doesn't give one shit.

I want to join the team @Katherine9!!
you sound wonderful and thoughtful….and you are putting up with 💩 in more ways than one!
prese to yourself: do not let your 51st birthday be like this!! Plan now to get things in place so you and your daughter can thoroughly enjoy your 51st.

This!

Happy belated 50th💐!
This decade is the one to really think through what you want and what you want your life to look like...

Good luck!

PS also others up thread... I'd be thinking about saying...

A combination of (apologies. I don't know how to quote multiple posts...)

Firstly, "my birthday was a shit day. I spoiled you rotten on your birthday after you banged on about it for weeks, and you couldn’t be bothered organizing one fucking thing for mine. I deserve better and you know it."

I wouldn't ask him to 'make it up to me' as sadly it's too late and I suspect this was intentional. Unless you could enjoy some half hearted apology day.

And secondly, ‘What makes you act like I’m not as worthy as you? What would he say?

It seems pretty narcissistic trait to be honest?

Can I ask what your relationship is like normally?

If you want a nice birthday and have the average male partner, you really need to organise it all yourself, or tell him exactly what to do and stand over him while he does. Why assume he's done things for you? I bet he doesn't buy any of the kids Christmas or birthday gifts or organise their parties either. You won't leave him over this unless he's a twat in other ways too but you have the power to start taking control here.

I had a similar situation on my 40th. What really compounded it was that my friends were amazing and showered me with so much love and thoughtfulness. The contrast to what my ex did (ie the absolute least he could get away with) made me realise that life would be so much better without him, and how he'd lowered my self worth and expectations to try and make his behaviour acceptable, when it absolutely wasn't.

I told him we were separating the next weekend. He made life awful for a couple of years, but now my life is brilliant.

Leave. Don't look back. Know your worth!

Why should we accept the bare minimum of an 'average male partner?'

Update

Thank you again for the love and support here. I must admit, I'm looking at him in quite a different way now, and although the immediate hurt is waning, I still believe this marks the beginning of the end. It's not really about the presents or card but more the overall attitude. I'd have been happy with a big cuddle and a 'happy birthday, I love you' first thing in the morning if it had felt sincere. Meanwhile, he cruises on, quite happy in believing he's got away with this.

A few people have questioned whether he is always like this, and yes, this is fairly symptomatic of the relationship. I had just hoped for better on what I thought he understood to be an important day. There is no point in starting a discussion because he gets angry, defensive and sometimes, outright nasty. He does do things around the house like DIY, partly because he enjoys using his skills, so I've tried to take that as evidence that he cares. In return, I do all the cooking and 'female' type activities (hence the burger van outing for breakfast, I really didn't want to cook every meal that day).

But the change has started. I'm no longer making his sandwiches in the morning. He can make his own or buy them. He goes to the gym on Friday nights and I've mentioned to him before that it's a bit of a letdown to be sat at home alone after a busy week. So, rather than complain again, I've just booked in hair and nail appts for this evening. I feel quite empowered by this!

Same happened to me for my 40th. For him i went all out, paid for two nights in london, meal at the Ivy, various activities to do including a west end show. Action packed exciting weekend which cost me an arm and a bloody leg.

for mine, granted it fell over covid. I was wfh, he went to work. It was just a flat day, no fuss even given the circumstances. Cant even remember what he bought me as a gift - if anything.

it was one of my “death by 1000 cuts” moments! Realised this was always the way things had been over the years

I am so disappointed for you. I can hear the hurt and disappointment in your messages. You deserve so much better.

Don't just start with sandwiches - it’s time to stop all “female” activities.

And keep yourself busy all weekend. If you have a joint account, make sure you take the money out of that for yourself to pay for your treats up to £800 so you get an equivalent amount spent on your birthday.

What an absolute selfish bellend.

he gets angry, defensive and sometimes, outright nasty.

this is justification enough to leave
Who wants to tread eggshells?

He does do things around the house like DIY, partly because he enjoys using his skills, so I've tried to take that as evidence that he cares.

he does not care about you by doing this . He cares about the house maybe
He had opportunity to show he cares on your birthday. He did not. If he goes to paint a wall it is not showing he cares about you or your wishes and needs

Are you still Living With A Nob?

Do you think you could talk to him about this? If he shows remorse maybe even give him the chance of a do over? Special weekend away?

Spot on🤣

I'm sure you'll miss the dogs, but you'll get over it😁

He had his chance

Good for you OP!!!!

Really??? It's the bare minimum.

"He does do things around the house like DIY, partly because he enjoys using his skills, so I've tried to take that as evidence that he cares"

I'm sorry OP, but no longer making his lunch and making an appointment on a Friday are not even a good start. Do you have friends around for support?

I would have cut off and had a day by myself after being taking for breakfast at a burger van.

i second the patio murder mystery approach.

Yes, but for some people, that’s a real start!!!

Not everyone is super extreme. I personally would’ve hit the walls if I got taken to a burger van on my 50th birthday. In fact, if I told my DH this, he’d be equally as disgusted. Also gymming on a Sunday is dire.

This man is acting more like a teenage son than a partner.

Meant to say Friday night not Sunday *

Is this not a bit much for just making a bit of a balls up of your birthday. Do you not think you should at least try communication before giving up on your marriage? If that completely fails fair enough but this thread is encouraging a woman to leave her partner over one (yes very bad) day. We don't have the whole picture.

Don't let it be the 'beginning of the end' let it be the end full stop. Even if you can't leave right now for whatever reason, start thinking in your head that it's over, start planning how your gonna leave, start putting money away in a separate bank account etc. The fact you've said hes generally like this tells me everything, you're with a narcissistic pos who only cares about himself and will continue to drain you of all life and happiness for as long as you're with him. You deserve better, you can get better. Think of your Mum and what she'd say. Do it Katherine, we're all behind you xx

Have you read all the OP's posts? No it's far from a bit much.

No i divorced the nob! 🤣