Really disappointed by 50th birthday (yesterday)

[Katherine9]

I didn't want a HUGE fuss but hoped I'd feel a little bit special on the day. DP hadn't known what to buy, so when he asked me a couple of weeks ago, I suggested a necklace or a locket, maybe with my birthstone (this opens up a huge range of options and costs, so I hoped it was a helpful suggestion without being overly demanding, specific or expensive). A few months before that, I'd suggested we go to a murder mystery dinner close to the date of my birthday in a restaurant nearby. I assumed he'd bought the tickets when we discussed it in August.

He'd booked the day of my birthday off work. At 6 am, he got up to let the dogs outside as usual, and came back to bed ranting about a dog going to the toilet on the kitchen floor during the night. This rant lasted about 30 minutes - much longer than it took to clean up - and you'd have thought it was me who'd got up in the middle of the night and shat on the middle of the floor. No mention of my birthday. An hour or so later, we properly woke up again and it was clear any sort of intimacy wasn't happening so I got up and showered. When I came back into the bedroom, he sullenly handed over a 'Forever Friends' birthday card, a bottle of perfume, and explained the necklace hadn't arrived and reviews online said it can take about 6 weeks despite what the company promises. He also asked if I'd booked the murder mystery evening and I said no. Unfortunately, I didn't explain that I assumed he'd done it months ago.

We went out to get breakfast from a burger van, and despite the fact we were passing cash machines en route, he asked if I had the cash to pay. Which I did... and then made my birthday cheesecake and dinner in the evening - without any help. We ate this dinner while he watched GB News (which I hate). Then after, he sat scrolling through his phone and I gave up and went to bed. This morning he was sulky and awkward as he went to work.

Just to make this worse, he made a huge fuss of his 50th birthday earlier this year. I spent a fortune (about £800) and took time off work that was difficult for to manage (he booked the full week off and I'm self-employed). He requested in advance that I book (and pay for) a posh meal and kept saying how important a fiftieth birthday is, so I also felt obliged to buy several expensive presents, which were sat next to the bed when he woke in the morning. I had a card made by Moon Pig which featured lots of photos of him over the years.

So, I'm feeling really sorry for myself and unfortunately, preoccupied with thinking that this reframes the entire relationship.

Bottom line - I've been a mug and he really doesn't give one shit.

I think he is what Mumsnet calls a CF, what a supreme lack of effort.. utter careless hypocrisy. Really sorry (been there)...I was once given shampoo I used 🤦‍♀️ 40th was ruined in similar way.

Happy 50th Making Changes Year 💐🌷💐🌷💐🌷💐🌷💐🌷💐🌷💐🌷

He sounds pretty useless. I mean who the fuck sits there on their wife's birthday not doing anything nice and watching GB shitty news?!

What a selfish prick. And 'forever friends'? What is he, an eleven year old girl trapped in a time warp of the early 90s?!

I bet the necklace doesn't turn up. And the perfume, is it one you actually like?

Jesus fucking christ.....people telling you to leave him over a birthday, get a grip.

It was my 50th this year and i knew exactly what i wanted and i sorted it all out. Sent a link to the exact Tiffany necklace i wanted, i booked the table for lunch, invited who i wanted and sorted out the holiday to Florida.

I'm told old want "surprises" or leave a big birthday to chance. I, like most women are super fussy and would rather just arrange it myself!

Dont leave important things to other people, no matter how much they love you, or you love them, do it for yourself.

Naughty of him to be grumpy on the morning, but maybe he felt guilty and embarrassed about the necklace, and im sure if you had come on to him you would have got some intimate time!!

People who say match his energy ...just don't get it...you just don't want to be that miserable selfish person.. its not a victory but a further harm to yourself to lower your decency and humanity in your closest relationship

A birthday isn't a training exercise...it's supposed to be a loving celebration

I completely disagree that she should have done it herself, its her big birthday, she made the effort and expense for him!

Well this sounds utterly fabulous, and a big holiday like this is not something you want to leave to someone else if they don’t know exactly what you want.

But I don’t think the OP has relied on her partner in any big way. She’s done the legwork for him. She’s told him the dinner she wants, on what day and in which restaurant. There’s no brainpower involved there other than to book it. She’s asked for a specific type of present in a locket necklace with birthstone. All he needed to do was go to a jeweller and ask what they have that fits the bill. She’s done all his thinking for him.

She got him a highly personalised card. Even someone with little imagination could think, “Maybe I should mirror the card that Katherine9 gave me.” It takes zero imagination for him to think it would be nice, on her birthday, to cook her a dinner or book another restaurant or get a lovely takeaway and watch a nice film. How much risk is there in a bunch of flowers?

OP has really asked for quite a basic package for her 50th. That he couldn’t be bothered shows utter contempt. Especially after demanding a big fuss for his own big birthday, showing that he knows the value and meaning of having it celebrated properly.

Fabulous post 🫶

This has made me so sad to read. I’m so sorry you had to go through such humiliation on your special birthday. Get rid of him. There’s no coming back from this pivotal moment. You deserve to be cherished by a partner. Happy belated birthday and welcome to the 1975 50 club. Take care. Be brave.

That does sound disappointing, especially when you went a lot of effort with him.
Is he normally like this with you?
Does he know how hurt you feel? It should be obvious, but sometimes people can be so oblivious to what people are feeling and any wrong they’ve done.
Could counselling help before you throw in the towel?

Happy belated 50th OP 💐🥂! Make your own plans to have several short breaks, special treats, amazing meals with chosen friends throughout your 50th year - yeah, celebrate regularly during the next 12 months - and leave the miserable, mean spirited, tight bugger at home to clean up the dog shit!

The thing is hes top dog or thinks he is, he dictated what he wanted for his 50th, he didnt do it for you as he couldnt be bothered and doesnt care as how dare you have a day when its all about him, he doesnt value you and certainly doesnt like you, yes take yourself off for 3 days dont tell him where you are going and then leave him, the reason they do it is coz they can he knows you will be hurt, to be crude sometimes they get off on it its all about power...AND i doubt he ordered the neckkace,

No, it wasn't "naughty" of him to be grumpy.
It was fucking rude and a means to keep attention focused on him rather than his wife. Naughty my arse.

He didnt actually have to do a great deal for the Op's birthday.
Order a necklace in time.
Book tickets to an event she wanted to attend and for which she gave a couple of months of notice.
Not talk about dog shit.
Initiate sex.
Ask OP what she'd like for dinner and/or what she'd like to watch on TV.

She's not asking for much IMO.

The man is a self absorbed prick.

Is he normally self centred and thoughtless?
If he is normally OK and supportive, don't make any hasty decisions
Take care and buy yourself a special present

Spot on

How’s he been for all your other birthdays?

and clearly…. Other issues going on, yes?

50 is a big deal for many of us. As he knew for his own birthday. It’s a time to reflect and celebrate. At no time did he make you feel special in any way. And it is not just about money spent, it is about putting thought into your wife’s special day.

You definitely deserve better, and a belated happy birthday from here in London!

I suspect that part of his sulk was because he made fuck all effort for your birthday when you'd made so much for his.

I hope it's easy for you to dump him because I would.

Get him to pay??? Thats like saying get him to pay because hes screamed in her face, she doesnt need to make him pay she needs to leave the abusive piece of crap

My DH and I plan our own birthdays and we haven’t had a bad one. I threw myself an amazing party a couple of days before my 50th and then went away for my birthday and booked back to back treats. I emailed the hotels I stayed in, got upgrades, champagne and chocolates etc in the room, booked a massage, concert, posh dinner and was given the best table, pudding with a sparkler etc on the day.

Regarding the murder mystery why didn’t you discuss it, you said you fancy and then decide who’s booking it? Would it have really mattered if it was you who made the reservation, at least you would have done what you wanted to?

Why did you cook dinner, why did you not go to a restaurant?

Did you plan anything with friends or family, why does your birthday happiness depend on one person?

Some men give no fucks about anyone but themselves. You have one of them. Decide whether you want more than that for the rest of your life because you're not going to change him.

Where would you see yourself on your 60th?
Same old same old
With a Grumpy sulky man watching nigel farage on tv?
Or a fabulous life maybe living it up on a great holiday with a new group of friends?
It is in your hands to livethe life you want.
Maybe he has fantastic attributes but are they enough for you? Be the heroine of your life not the victim

Happy birthday!

Hopefully the fact that he's a D"P" not a DH means you're not financially intertwined and it will be relatively easy (in practical terms at least) to get rid?

I'd have had a lot more sympathy for him if biethdays weren't a big deal in his extended family and friendship circle and he hadn't wanted to mark his own birthday, but the double standards in demanding a big fuss over his and explicitly saying fiftieth birthdays have to be a big event, then completely downplaying yours to the point of seeming sulky is massively off putting!

One of the things that cemented my relationship with my DH was that before we were married he took me away for a surprise 40th. A weekend at La Maison aux Q’autre Saison and he gave me my first mobile phone (that dates me)! He planned the whole weekend and it was next level.
Of course that was early in our relationship and sadly he didn’t live long enough to see my 50th, but he was always generous to a fault. Actions do speak louder than words and in your case it’s obvious how he feels about you.

Now that’s a plan.