Really disappointed by 50th birthday (yesterday)

[Katherine9]

I didn't want a HUGE fuss but hoped I'd feel a little bit special on the day. DP hadn't known what to buy, so when he asked me a couple of weeks ago, I suggested a necklace or a locket, maybe with my birthstone (this opens up a huge range of options and costs, so I hoped it was a helpful suggestion without being overly demanding, specific or expensive). A few months before that, I'd suggested we go to a murder mystery dinner close to the date of my birthday in a restaurant nearby. I assumed he'd bought the tickets when we discussed it in August.

He'd booked the day of my birthday off work. At 6 am, he got up to let the dogs outside as usual, and came back to bed ranting about a dog going to the toilet on the kitchen floor during the night. This rant lasted about 30 minutes - much longer than it took to clean up - and you'd have thought it was me who'd got up in the middle of the night and shat on the middle of the floor. No mention of my birthday. An hour or so later, we properly woke up again and it was clear any sort of intimacy wasn't happening so I got up and showered. When I came back into the bedroom, he sullenly handed over a 'Forever Friends' birthday card, a bottle of perfume, and explained the necklace hadn't arrived and reviews online said it can take about 6 weeks despite what the company promises. He also asked if I'd booked the murder mystery evening and I said no. Unfortunately, I didn't explain that I assumed he'd done it months ago.

We went out to get breakfast from a burger van, and despite the fact we were passing cash machines en route, he asked if I had the cash to pay. Which I did... and then made my birthday cheesecake and dinner in the evening - without any help. We ate this dinner while he watched GB News (which I hate). Then after, he sat scrolling through his phone and I gave up and went to bed. This morning he was sulky and awkward as he went to work.

Just to make this worse, he made a huge fuss of his 50th birthday earlier this year. I spent a fortune (about £800) and took time off work that was difficult for to manage (he booked the full week off and I'm self-employed). He requested in advance that I book (and pay for) a posh meal and kept saying how important a fiftieth birthday is, so I also felt obliged to buy several expensive presents, which were sat next to the bed when he woke in the morning. I had a card made by Moon Pig which featured lots of photos of him over the years.

So, I'm feeling really sorry for myself and unfortunately, preoccupied with thinking that this reframes the entire relationship.

Bottom line - I've been a mug and he really doesn't give one shit.

There's always one poster that's going to have to find a way to blame the OP. If the OP is a "chronic people pleaser" than her husband should know this about her and have taken the initiative to ensure the woman he supposedly loves deserves to be pleased too, particularly on her 50th birthday.

So many things to choose from but, OP, you hate GB News and not only does he insist on watching it, he does so during your 50th birthday meal. You cannot spend the rest of your precious life like this. Liberation, in whatever form that takes, is the best birthday present you can give yourself. Go for it, and many happy returns!

just to make you feel better OP, my mum had a terrible 50th birthday for various reasons...but then had a really brilliant 60th! So make sure you get the same - start by dumping this selfish man as I can assure you he won't be any better in a decade. Then definitely get yourself an item or an experience that you'll love as a present to yourself. Self-love and care is the first step to expecting and receiving it from others. All the best of luck for the future, OP.

I take your story OP and i raise you mine!

Been dropping hints about what i wanted for my 50th birthday, DP kept moaning about the cost so i offered cheaper solutions (would have been about £100)

Day of my birthday i get a card and inside the card was a homemade voucher that said "I owe you one present" and that was it.

But he felt sooo bad he couldnt afford me a present. Maybe if he cut back on beer and fags for a couple of weeks he would have afforded it. I had taken the day off work, shouldnt have wasted the day, but we did go for a nice walk.

He is now my ex.

I’d be fucking FURIOUS. I was already raging for you at the first part then I got to he expected a fuss for his and near fell off my chair.

OP, it’s very easy for people to say LTB but we’re not you. That said, I really would. This is a MILESTONE that he’s not ignorant to the sentiment of. That’s how he’s treated you. That’s what he thinks of you. You matter less. No room for discussion.

Happy birthday from me too, lovely OP. This is the year that things will change gir you for the better. ❤️

I'd forgive a lot but not GB News.

You deserve better. Selfish man.

Recreate the murder mystery in your own home.
Build a patio.
I'll alibi you

But probably best to ask him why he matters and you don't

And btw, this is a strong enough reason to split up with sonmeonw. It’s not just the lack of love but the disrespect - because what he’s done is disrespectful. He needs to go.

I would never rely on a partner to organise a big birthday. It's my 60th in 2 years, I have booked a Safari in Botswana and a luxury train tour through South Africa. I'm using this birthday as a way of picking my dream holidays and no one can argue with me about it. My birthday, my trip 😁

Aww op happy 50th birthday.
it reminds me of how shite mine was.
i had taken dp for 5 nights in New York with a helicopter flight and river cruise.
i got afternoon tea at a local hotel and had to get public transport there.
i never said a word but I have also never bought another birthday present for him.
its his 60th next year and I intend to book an afternoon tea and that’s it!

💯. You poor sod.

This may have been it. Very childish and unkind. Not something one would expect from a life partner.

It's not just your birthday though is it? He says jump and you say how high.

Am so so sorry, that's such a disappointment. Happy birthday from me, not that it accounts for much, lol.
He doesn't sound very thoughtful, am so very sorry and a bit lazy.

Mine can be similar, bit hit and miss, so my 50th I took myself away to Cornwall, to stay at my late parents house to carry on sorting out their possessions. I didn't want to face the possibility of disappointment so took away all expectations and actually had a nice day because I only had myself to answer to! Went off to the beach for a few peaceful hours, was lovely.

I'd ask him to book the murder mystery and if he starts getting sulky, just plain tell him not to ruin that for you too. Take care.

Firstly, Happy 50th
Secondly, treat yourself to a nice break
Thirdly, spend some time considering what you are getting from your relationship
Finally, if you do decide to maintain the relationship I would be dialling back any planned spend on him for xmas or other celebrations

My partner forgot mine this year, it's his 60th in Jan.... grins.

Where is that laughing reaction button? 🤣🤣🤣

@GirtyPlunder are you suggesting this is a good approach? Because “no fights broke out”? Let your DH get away with being lazy and inconsiderate just because it keeps the peace?

So you asked for a couple of things for your birthday, neither of which you got.

How did it end up with you spending so much on him?

He wanted expensive stuff & you just bought it all?

I'm thinking that this isn't the first time this sort of thing as happened?

My 50th birthday was also a bit of a milestone for all the wrong reasons. A couple of weeks before DH asked what I wanted so I sent him some links to a variety of things I'd like and told him to choose one, so it would still be some sort of a surprise. A week later he said choosing was too difficult, gave me £50 and told me to buy myself something. On the day he'd forgotten to get a card but said he'd take me out for a nice meal which turned out to be a £30 in total for 2 pub lunch. Throughout the whole meal he moaned very loudly about everything, the food, the service the time it was taking. I was stressed and mortified by him. When we got home I took myself of to the cinema as I was sick of his shit and he sulked for days about this.

Like you it wasn't that I was expecting much monetarily speaking just that he would make an effort for the day! Things had been rough for a bit before that and a few months later I said I wanted a trial separation and he went to live with his sister for a month. That experience seemed to change him for the better as he begged for another chance, said he'd come to realise that he'd totally taken me for granted etc etc. I took him back and that was 11 years ago and he really has made an effort. He's not perfect but he is infinitely more considerate.

Might this work for you? I gave my DH another chance because he hadn't always been like that. He just seems to morph slowly into Victor Meldrew while I am quite a positive person. Now if he gets overly grumpy old man, I hum the theme tune to one Foot in the Grave and he gets the message!

If on the other hand your DH has always been like this, he may have less chance of redemption. Good luck with whatever you decide and happy belated birthday! 💐

What a total prick! My husband is a selfish brute sometimes but even he’s not this bad. I’d be telling him what a bloody disappointment he is. I hate men like this. A big belated Happy Birthday to you and I really hope he sorts his shit out and makes it up to you xxxxx

I bet if you raised this he'd be all defensive and you'd come off worse. A 50th is special so happy birthday. Is he usually awful like this? Is this just a reflection of what he is usually like?

Oh poor you OP, I've done more to celebrate the birthdays of work colleagues!

That really sucks. I think you should print out the paragraph about how much you did for him and how important he declared 50th birthdays are, and hand it to him. Don't let him get away without accountability.

If you decide to move on - let me tell you from the vantage point of a 63 year old, 50 is SO young! I would kill to have the last 13 years back and really revel in them. You still have time to revamp your life for the coming decades.