Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

[TipsyOrca]

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

End it. His behaviour is abusive he has no right to make you do anything and any decent partner would never behave in the way he has and would completely respect your boundaries.

Oh OP, you are so young to be throwing your life away on bad men.

You desperately need to get into good counselling to figure out what is going on with your attachment issues.

Your ex was a bad man.
New boyfriend has now shown you he is into Coercive Sex......which is a crime.

He is trying to manipulate you into doing something sexually you don't want to do.
Coercive sex=rape.
This is a crime.

He has shown you he is not a good man.
Please protect yourself.

They want me to stay in this relationship as they think "I look the happiest I've been". And I guess, steering clear from anything sexual, I am, somewhat.

But if they knew that you're not happy, even without knowing why, the wouldn't want you to stay would they?

@TipsyOrca ‘can’t you take the pain for me?’
Thats it right there - the flashing neon sign that says RUN! What the hell kind of man wants you to TAKE PAIN for him?? It’s so cruel, arrogant, entitled, selfish - just vile. Sorry lovely, this is a man you really need to dump asap. His mask is slipping.

He's a fucking twat. Boo hoo, 'you had sex with someone else so you have to have it with me or it's unfair!' life's unfair you misogynistic cunt.

He’s a perv, just hides it better than the last guy

I absolutely vote bin him off. Which isn't usually my stance right off the bat but honestly he's so out of line. Don't think for a second that he is the reasonable one here.

You'll find a lovely guy who you clock with sexually OP, or at the least a guy who respects you in every aspect.

You may look happier than you have done for a while and that's very nice but it wont last if he's started pestering you for anal sex. Your parents don't know that, do they? Or that you "zone out" when you have sex with him? Of course they don't, and you shouldn't tell them either. Your Mum just likes him because he's polite and has a good job and he hasn't asked to bugger her has he?

You can get rid of him with a bland "It wasn't working out" to your parents. Repeat that whenever your parents ask intrusive questions.

My ex was not a pervert is the thing. He was a douchebag at some points, but he never did or pressured me into doing anything I didn't want. Anything adventurous that happened, happened because I was curious about it and he indulged that. Any pain and discomfort, or even disinterest throughout, and he refused or quit when he noticed. I don't get how someone who could be so callous about other things does seem to have more of a moral compass? Compared to current boyfriend, who is sensitive and empathic about those other things, but so fucking callous about sex?

I know I shouldn't be defending him BTW. But I do. I will every time

It is a worm in his brain now and he won’t forget. Don’t blame yourself as he probably would eventually have picked up another one anyway.

He is not the person for you.

This whole relationship is wrong Op, you're scared you'll go back to your abusive ex so you're hiding behind this guy but that won't work, unless you become strong enough to save yourself you won't be happy, they're both bad in their own way.
Your Ex was a controlling, abusive shitbag, your youth and inexperience made you a perfect victim for him, you've trauma bonded to him and that's very hard to break_ you need therapy to see him as he really was, not the rosy vision you have of him. Your family didn't hate you, they hated the person he made you. Please, get help and stay away from them both

OP said her sex life with her ex was adventurous and wild, that's what I was referring to as opposed to this one act which she cares not to repeat. She also said she got drunk and let it slip about this.

I doubt the mention of anal came out of the blue. More likely their was discussion about sex and adventure that gradually built to OP divulging having had anal.

OP current partner will be well aware that their sex life isn't wild and instead of working on how they can make their own sex life more adventurous, is wrongly pressing OP to replicate an experience she doesn't want to.

It sounds like the current partner is immature and this relationship isn't a healthy one, but equally everyone can learn and improve from this situation. For example, OP admits to zoning out and letting her partner 'do his thing' which is also not healthy.

You may have a Nice Guy (TM) who thinks of you as a kind of vending machine where he puts in decent behaviour that anyone should be doing anyway, and if you're working properly then sex should fall out. He didn't mind you not dispensing cherry Coke when he thought you didn't provide that, but then he found that the previous user got cherry Coke once. It damaged the sex machine to do it, but dammit, it obviously CAN dispense cherry Coke so why can't he get it and the machine just take the damage? What's the point of the vending machine otherwise?

I'd ask him straight, Why do you think its acceptable to pressure me into having sex that you know I don't like, I'm not into and was painful the first time? What can POSSIBLY be arousing in having sex with someone you know isn't enjoying what you're doing?

Then wait for an answer and ask him to justify it. If he starts with the its not fair and I'll be gentle shit again, just repeat yourself. How can it possibly turn you on, forcing me into a sex act that I don't like? What kind of man do you want to be?

It sounds you are using him a bit - it isn't a real attraction, he is a human shield to ferry you over from the bad relationship until you feel ready for someone more exciting.

If he feels it a bit, even if he can't articulate the feeling, it makes sense that he would like to use you a bit back to try something he heard about so much. And he might be sincerely believing that he is a better men thsn your ex, so he might do better.

I'm not saying that you should give in, just to think about the relationship in a sense of whether you like him or whether you just like being in control of the relationship for once.

A man who won't take no for an answer the first time is not and never will be a good man.

Who cares what your mum thinks or your friends? You're not defined by your past and don't have to cling on to a scumbag to prove you're better now or whatever is you think you need to do. I'm not trying to be harsh but you're actively hurting yourself to prove a point that you don't need to prove.

You can break up with him. Your family and friends will have to deal with it. Then have some intense therapy so you can move on from your ex and rediscover a healthy relationship with yourself.

Trust me, I have had an ex that felt all consuming and even years later I still think of him sometimes, but you cannot let an ex not only rule but ruin your life forever. Please put yourself first. Bin off this gross man and block your ex. Trust me, it doesn't hurt forever, but clinging on to some desperate hope that things will change will.

Re your question about this man seeming so nice, yet insistent on this when he knows it hurts you. I suspect he seems meek on the outside but is full of hidden aggression. He is a covertly very nasty, selfish man. He is just a passive aggressive one.

You should just leave this relationship.

Im assuming this is anal ? And this man isn’t as nice a you think . Does he not relalise that if you do it just cause he has nagged and nagged you it is kind of sexual assault ? I hate men like this . Iv been with men like this and it traumatised me. They hype of this is all related too porn too . Another thing I absolutely hate and will not tolerate in a relationship . Keep saying no !

You may not be perfect, nobody is. But would you ever try to coerce him into doing something you know he doesn't want to do, that you know would cause him physical and emotional pain. I'm guessing not. He's not just not perfect he's basically saying he wants to sexually assault you. If you are coerced into doing this when he knows you don't want to do this it is rape.

FFS, just be single for a bit, OP
@TipsyOrca
It really is that simple.

Hopefully he will have got the message that you won’t do it, and you can move on. Try not to tell him anything else x

Your posts are really upsetting to read OP. I'm shuddering to think what the advice might've been on whatever other forums you've been asking on. The internet is not for humans really, even mumsnet. You've had good advice here but human beings in real life are a better place to talk about these things.

You need to focus on yourself and your self esteem.

You are entitled to enjoy good, and more to the point, consensual sex. You are entitled to a relationship with a man who treats you well. You don't have to put up with a lack of one for the other. There is nothing on earth less sexy than a man petulant because you won't do what he wants in bed. First off you didn't want to and then his moaning about it makes you want to even less.

Whoever said 'even bad sex is good sex' was probably misquoted and definitely a man. Bad sex is soul destroying if you're gritting your teeth to get through it because you think you should. There is no 'you should' in sex. You do what you and your sex partner want and you don't do what one of you doesn't.

I can never understand the drunk excuse. Fair enough if you were in the company of friends and blurted stuff out within ear shot of your boyfriend. But it sounds like the pair of you were out together and your drunkeness made you forget insecurities which will no doubt be clearly visible in your day to day relationship. My DW has insecurities about her weight (she shouldn't) but no amount of alcohol would lead to me blurt out she's not as slim as she used to be, or cause me to admire or comment on other womens sizes be that friends, family, celebs etc. I wonder if subconsciously you were testing your current partners jealousness and compatiability?

WTAF???!!!