Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

[TipsyOrca]

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

Your mum and friends will not think less of you if you just tell them, 'it just wasn't working out, maybe I need to be single for a while'. Unless you are very close to a friend (or your mum) you don't give them every detail of a relationship. Break up with this guy, he should not be pressuring you, this is not a good dynamic and I suspect there are other red flags you are not seeing. Spend some time on your own, invest in your friendships and yourself. You don't need to be in a relationship- in fact, it's probably not healthy for you. You seem to be in a relationship with someone you don't love - why? Your previous boyfriend was able to ice out all your friends and family - why? You need to answer these questions and stop this happening in the future.

Always beware the men who claim to be feminist. Hidden intentions. Snakes in the grass.

Well put.
You don't know what you like until you try. You tried something and didn't like it.

He sounds childish and manipulative.

Don't do something sexual that you don't want to do. If he can't understand that, he doesn't understand consent and bodily autonomy.

Or insinuate I am just looking for reasons to get rid of a perfectly fine boyfriend to go run with "your manchild musician ex".

He's not a perfectly fine boyfriend though is he?

And neither is your ex!

Just reading the OP from a guys perspective it comes across as though you were gloating about the adventurous sex you had with your sex, which seems ill advised as your current partner will perhaps feel boring and not exciting enough for you.

Also the way you talk about your ex sexually in how he excited and fullfilled you I suspect those vibes will have been picked up on by your current partner as well.

Put yourself in his shoes. If he got drunk and started talking about awesome, adventurous sex with an ex would you honestly sit there are be completely ok with it? I suspect not.

Clearly your boyfriend is behaving immaturely and needs to get overhimself, but is probably nursing his bruised ego. People need to accept a new partner will have a sexually history that is perhaps better or more adventurous than theirs. But also that history is in most cases best left as that, history, and not brought up to current partners as it's rarely nice for the other person to hear.

Neither am I sadly. Someone in the thread has said it, it's not like I have been a perfectly good woman either.

No, PLEASE don't counsel this poor woman to negotiate with this arsehole! He's an adult. Surely no self-respecting woman would want to be with a man she has to beg to like her, or try to convince him he's 'better' than her ex? I say, when someone shows you who they are, you'd better believe it. She shouldn't make herself more upset and more vulnerable by bargaining with him - no more pressure to do the anal thing, and then we can keep going. Why should she, when he's shown how inconsiderate of her feelings and sexual boundaries he is?

Bloody hell, the more I read these sorts of threads, the more amazed I am that more women aren't lesbians! We had 'political lesbianism' in the 80's and perhaps it's due for a comeback. (light-hearted, don't come down on me) Or celibacy. Lots to be said for that, if the alternative is a steady stream of shit.

What a c#nt. sorry OP but this man is no better than your ex.

No man would ask you to do something you are uncomfortable with just to please himself, if he cared for you he wouldn’t want you to be in pain or uncomfortable. I am guessing it’s annal we are talking about here? Why does he think it will be any different this time than last time you tried it? You don’t need to do anything with anyone that you are not comfortable with.

Throw this one back. Believe me, if this guy is happy for you to be in pain for him to get his kicks, he isn’t a nice guy, he’s an abusive controlling twat.

He is going to go on and on, sulking and asking. It will never stop. You really have to be careful what you say to some guys and talking about a sex life with another will generally bring out the competitive side in guys like this. It’s never advisable anyway. He sounds like my ex . ..because I admitted things under interrogation..unfortunately I didn’t realise everything would be cast up later and used against me.
This relationship is probably over . Any guy who sends you to virtual Coventry for saying no should be thrown back. It’s a massive red flag

It's completely fair to compare your partners and to think about whether they are pleasing you physically. It's ok to hold out for someone who will be kind and loving, and who you also have good sex with. You deserve this.
This man is neither. You can do better, be alone for now.

Op you should never “give in” when it comes to sex. Even if you go through with it, he isn’t suddenly going to let up and decide that once is enough. “You did it last time and it was really good for me, don’t you love me enough to try again? It gets easier, so we should stick with it”.

He wants to hurt you to show that he is worth as much as your ex. How is that not clear? Would you be telling a friend to go through with it?! Do you understand that a man who is fine with pressuring and guilting you into it is also the kind of man that would accidentally “slip” there during sex anyway to get what he wants?

You should never be pressured or coerced. You shouldn’t be engaging in sex and zoning out either. A man that is having sex with a woman that isn’t actively and positively engaged is a major problem.

Sex isn’t just for him. Please, please end it and spend time on your own. Get yourself into therapy instead.

you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too?

Horrid. Nasty. Uncaring. Coercive. Misogynistic. Rapey even. Even your ex didn't want to do it once it was established that it was painful and you hated it. This guy already knows that and still wants to go ahead. Fuck him right off.

That was me I think, and I just want to reinforce that that's not a reason to do what he wants, or an excuse for his behaviour.

It's just another reason to end the relationship.

Oh dear, this is not a nice man. Honestly, he probably likes the idea of it hurting you; it's a control thing as a pp said. I think you need to work on yourself, your patterns, why you're willing to ignore your own boundaries with men and why you need their validation so much. Are your family/friends telling you this is a 'nice guy' and you're lucky etc.? Ignore them if so.

Run, run far away. Never do this for him, break it off with him and don't look back. He is not a good person and this has become too much of an issue for you two to continue a relationship.

Neither am I sadly. Someone in the thread has said it, it's not like I have been a perfectly good woman either.

Well that's the past & you deserve to be with someone who loves & respects you as we all do.

Sounds as if you don't have a very supportive family.

You need to work on yourself & stop seeing being with a man as the be all & end all.

That’s the end of that, then.
You say he is just what you needed to stay away from your ex, to stop you running back to him. Why is that your only choice?
It seems like you are way too fixated on other people and the significance of being in a “relationship”.
I reckon you would be better off setting a definite timeline for yourself, say 6 months, where you swear off sex and relationships entirely and try to figure out what you really want in a partner.

Yes, that's why I don't feel comfortable speaking with them about this. Besides the delicate/kind of shameful subject matter of course. They see him as a solid dude, very different from my ex, who they did NOT approve of. Current boyfriend has a pretty prestigious job, is well-off, active in the community, etc. So my mother especially is fond of him. They get on well. They want me to stay in this relationship as they think "I look the happiest I've been". And I guess, steering clear from anything sexual, I am, somewhat.
I do need therapy. I briefly went when I was a teen but it was a horrid experience, and ever since, I have kind of dreaded going to a therapist/counsellor. Despite the need definitely being there.

OP you have said it yourself "GIVE IN" its not something you want to do, its a ransom you will pay. Honestly from reading your posts I think you are not in a position to choose a partner or have a partnership right now, do please get help to get yourself fixed and in a good place before you start to look for a partner.

But it wasn't awesome adventurous sex. She did it, didn't enjoy it and doesn't want to do it again. That's very different from her going on about how incredible it was. He's basically just treating her like a prop in his fantasy rather than a willing partner.

So if all you want him to be is gentle and to treat you with care… and he actively wants to hurt you for his own pleasure despite saying no….

She told her partner that she hated the anal sex, it really hurt and she never wants to do it again. How is that gloating? Why would an decent man feel slighted and say things like 'you put up with pain for him, why won't you do it for me'?

OP should steer clear of needy and manipulative men, starting by dumping this loser.

why people talk about their sex lives with ex's to their current partners I never know.

if it does come up always say it was never good, yeah he wasn't as big as you, yeah our sex life is way better etc etc.

No, you said no that’s enough

I was drunk. I would never have brought it up with him if I'd been sober. Ever.
He is insecure as is. I know even mentioning my ex causes tension, so obviously telling him I had anal sex with him, or for that matter that his penis was bigger, or better, would cause tension. I got drunk and accidentally slipped out that we did have anal sex. Once.