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Original poster

Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

391 replies

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:10

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Largestlegocollectionever · 22/10/2025 08:14

He’s not a good man. He’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip you into doing something you don’t want - bet it’s anal?!
Id dump this guy and move on.

DurinsBane · 22/10/2025 08:15

Your mistake was telling him about you having anal with the ex. You need to tell him that you don’t want to do it again, and he needs to stop asking or it will ruin the relationship. However, why don’t you and him find something else to try that you haven’t done with anyone before?

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 22/10/2025 08:15

As I guess it's anal - suggest your whim is to give him a good seeing to with a strap on. If he likes it he can do it to you..

BlueSlate · 22/10/2025 08:16

A) it's not compulsory to be a mum to post here

B) you don't 'need' to be with any sort of person. Rather than looking to another man/relationship to heal you from your past relationship, do it yourself

C) neither he, nor any man, has a right of access to your body. It is not 'unfair' that you did things with your ex you won't do with him. You tried and you don't want to do it again. He doesn't get to pay 50p and also have a go. You're not a fairground ride.

SansaClegane · 22/10/2025 08:16

it's anal, isn't it?

  • so many red flags here tbh. the pestering, the moping: that's not normal, that's coercive. the wording, if he really said it like this: "you let him do it TO you"; kind of acknowledging that it's an act that would not be pleasurable to you, quite the opposite.
another red flag to me though is that you're in a relationship with someone you've never felt attracted to in the first place, and forcing yourself to be with. I get that you needed to break out of old unhealthy relationship patterns, but that doesn't mean going for the total opposite. there should IMO always be attraction to begin with. Else, why not just be friends? Surely that's the one thing that distinguishes a relationship from a friendship. I'd get out of this if I were you, for all the reasons outlined above.
oldclock · 22/10/2025 08:17

Leave. He's a bully - be glad you found out now rather than later.

Adooree · 22/10/2025 08:17

If there is a sex act you don't enjoy , it doesn't become enjoyable on a Tuesday but not a Friday or it's ok to do it in London but not in Surrey .
Same goes for who you are doing it with .
He's not so great if he keeps on about it .

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 22/10/2025 08:19

He is trying to coerce you into a sexual act you don't want to do.

You have told him no.

If he can't accept no for an answer then you would be best to finish the relationship because he is not a decent or safe partner.

Hillrunning · 22/10/2025 08:19

He isnt a good man. Good men don't respond that way. Get rid of him. And never ever 'give in' when it comes to anything sexual. Consent matters.

Berthatydfil · 22/10/2025 08:20

You did anal with previous boyfriend and didnt like it. Why does current boyf think you will like it with him?

You wont.
He will never stop pressurising you now.

There is a word for men who wont take no for an answer.
Dump him.

FenceBooksCycle · 22/10/2025 08:20

If he was a good person who genuinely cared for you there is only one possibile way he would be acting - 100% acceptance that this particular activity is not something you want or ever will, and never considering it as an option.

The fact that he would even ask, knowing that it's something you didn't enjoy, tells you he is not a good person and does not perceive you as quite the same as a real human being - he perceives you as someone (something) who exists for his benefit.

Get rid of him.

Tiswa · 22/10/2025 08:21

This relationship isn’t right for you work on yourself and move on

Jadebear · 22/10/2025 08:22

Dump the moping, manipulative bastard. He’s not a nice man.

MyCoralHedgehog · 22/10/2025 08:26

I reckon he’s probably always been curious about how it would feel for him, and by you admitting you’ve done it before he’s taking as a green light to try it too. Most men are curious about anal, especially if they watch porn where women pretend to enjoy it . In reality it’s painful, it can damage you internally and externally and very unhygienic. (Before anyone asks, yes I’ve tried it with a partner who liked it and we did it a lot but I didn’t like it at all) Do some research and show him it’s actually not good for a woman at all . It can cause long term bowel problems. I guess he doesn’t like the thought of you doing it and feels like he’s missing out. The women who do it in porn are generally being abused and get paid to pretend to enjoy it. .

Glowingup · 22/10/2025 08:26

First I was reading and thinking that it was good that you’ve found a nice guy. Then I read the last bit. He’s not a nice guy. He’s as much of an asshole as your ex is, he just dresses it up differently. Think covert rather than overt narcissist. Get rid of him, seriously.

EBearhug · 22/10/2025 08:28

No means no. It does not mean no until I wear her down through sulking and manipulation.

Does he not understand that it is because you have tried it before, you can be definite about not doing it again?

Even if you hadn't tried it, you could still say no.

If he is saying no to any sexual contact just now, he knows what no means - but he is using it to manipulate.and coerce you, which isn't what decent people do. Think carefully about what this implies for your relationship in the future and whether it should continue. He's not respecting your choice.

Original poster
TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:29

It is anal, yes. As I said, we tried once, never again. Ex didn't want to redo it because it hurt for me and I cried. It is pretty bleak to think that my ex, who could be a controlling bastard at times, had more regard for that than current boyfriend? Who is in every other way a total dream to be with? Like, no genuine reaction whatsoever when I say it hurt too much for me and I have no interest in doing it again?
"I know, but if we take it slow and do enough preparation, it won't hurt. You know me, right? I wouldn't hurt you?"
I know he wouldn't. Not intentionally at least. But where does this weird entitlement come from, from a man I have only experienced as sensitive, gentle, even a feminist I would say? I don't understand.

OP posts:
ButtonMushrooms · 22/10/2025 08:31

I would have it out with him OP. "You seem distant recently. Is it related to that conversation a couple of weeks ago?" If he says yes, you reiterate "why tf do you think I'd want to do something that I don't enjoy? And why would you want me to do something I don't enjoy?" Get things out in the open.

Glowingup · 22/10/2025 08:33

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:29

It is anal, yes. As I said, we tried once, never again. Ex didn't want to redo it because it hurt for me and I cried. It is pretty bleak to think that my ex, who could be a controlling bastard at times, had more regard for that than current boyfriend? Who is in every other way a total dream to be with? Like, no genuine reaction whatsoever when I say it hurt too much for me and I have no interest in doing it again?
"I know, but if we take it slow and do enough preparation, it won't hurt. You know me, right? I wouldn't hurt you?"
I know he wouldn't. Not intentionally at least. But where does this weird entitlement come from, from a man I have only experienced as sensitive, gentle, even a feminist I would say? I don't understand.

Edited

Generally in my experience, men who say they are feminists are the biggest red flags going. The most porn-addicted misogynistic twats I’ve known have labelled themselves feminists. He sounds so fucking awful - please dump him.

Original poster
TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:38

ButtonMushrooms · 22/10/2025 08:31

I would have it out with him OP. "You seem distant recently. Is it related to that conversation a couple of weeks ago?" If he says yes, you reiterate "why tf do you think I'd want to do something that I don't enjoy? And why would you want me to do something I don't enjoy?" Get things out in the open.

I have asked him why he wants to do it so badly when I tell him it hurt a lot for me. The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too? I think it's not even as much about the act itself, or intimacy, which was the reason why I tried it with the ex; I think it's a weird ego thing.

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 22/10/2025 08:40

You've got a second bad man.

Just because he isn't bad as your ex, it doesn't make him a good one.

He's manipulative and abusive too. Leave him.

TiredOfLookingForAnswers · 22/10/2025 08:41

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:29

It is anal, yes. As I said, we tried once, never again. Ex didn't want to redo it because it hurt for me and I cried. It is pretty bleak to think that my ex, who could be a controlling bastard at times, had more regard for that than current boyfriend? Who is in every other way a total dream to be with? Like, no genuine reaction whatsoever when I say it hurt too much for me and I have no interest in doing it again?
"I know, but if we take it slow and do enough preparation, it won't hurt. You know me, right? I wouldn't hurt you?"
I know he wouldn't. Not intentionally at least. But where does this weird entitlement come from, from a man I have only experienced as sensitive, gentle, even a feminist I would say? I don't understand.

Edited

It’s awful they he wants you to do something that hurt you so badly it made you cry, just because he is jealous of your ex. What a selfish, uncaring person he is. He’s now treating you badly in order to get what he wants. Seems like he’s not as nice a man as he’s been portraying himself to be, and is now showing his true colours.
You deserve to be with someone who respects your feelings and boundaries, not someone who mopes and punishes you because you don’t want to do something that hurt you. HE wants to do it and that’s all that matters to him. What an absolute prick.

Jaweira · 22/10/2025 08:42

There’s just nothing to debate here. His behaviour is horrible, dump him.

TrustedTheWrongFart · 22/10/2025 08:43

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:38

I have asked him why he wants to do it so badly when I tell him it hurt a lot for me. The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too? I think it's not even as much about the act itself, or intimacy, which was the reason why I tried it with the ex; I think it's a weird ego thing.

Edited
Show quote history

“So you want me to be in pain?”

Midgetgemsplease · 22/10/2025 08:43

I'd have one final open conversation with him. "Why are you quiet, why do you appear to be sulking and why are you rejecting sex? Is it because I told you I did not want do something which I found unpleasant and painful?" If his response is anything other than "oh I'm sorry of course not" then throw him back in the sea. Off you pop.