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Original poster

Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

391 replies

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:10

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
99bottlesofkombucha · 22/10/2025 09:26

The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too?
eeeeeewwwwwww. If your ex had got off on beating you with his belt would your current boyfriend think he deserved to get a try, that you should take a belting for him too??

namechangeaaargh · 22/10/2025 09:27

He's not a good man and forcing youself to do sexual stuff that you don't want to do is going to potentially damage you mentally and emotionally. Especially if you don't fancy him anyway.

I think you need to be single for a while and to do some work on yourself to try and figure out why you are settling for arseholes and (possibly) not spotting their abusive behaviour earlier (there will have been signs with this current man, I can't believe he just turned instantly into an arsehole after you told him about your sex life with your ex).

I would also be very careful about getting so drunk you talk about stuff you wouldn't sober and also talking to a boyfriend (or any man) about past sexual acts/exes in any depth until you're sure the relationship is solid and has a future and that the man doesn't think he owns you. This berk feels hard done by because your ex got something he didn't.

You don't have to stay with this one or run back to the last one. You can just be single you know. The world won't fall off its axis.

snowmichael · 22/10/2025 09:27

You should never 'give in' to doing anything sexual you don't want to
If this man continues to push your boundaries, you need to be careful
Why not ask him "Why do you want me to do this when I have told you I don't want to?"

TwistedWonder · 22/10/2025 09:27

Honestly OP why do you have to have a man to fill a void? You’re making yourself vulnerable to attracting the wrong men because your need to have a partner means you could come across as desperate.

I think you need to spend a good period of your e being single and working on your self esteem

It’s often recommended on here to look at the freedom programme before you start dating again.

ThunkedThoughts · 22/10/2025 09:27

Current boyfriend is manipulative and doesn't actually care about you, going off what he is asking and how he is asking. Walking red flag and you need to dump him.
Sounds like you are bonded to your ex but recognise that he isn't a healthy choice, and current boyfriend is your mechanism for keeping yourself away.
I personally feel you need some therapy to get over the ex and build up your self esteem, then dump current boyfriend and live your happy single life! Good luck x

MsPavlichenko · 22/10/2025 09:28

This will help you going forward. It should be taught to women and girls at school.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

YumYa · 22/10/2025 09:30

You need to be single and start respecting yourself.

This current fella isn't good. I bet he watches a lot of porn.

OneMintWasp · 22/10/2025 09:30

Refer yourself to talking therapies or if you can afford it go private. You need to understand yourself and your vulnerabilites. Then you need to understand fully the effects of control and manipulation on your personality type. If you dont do these things it will keep happening again and again.

BlueSlate · 22/10/2025 09:31

Look. No one here can change any aspect of your life. Everyone is saying the same thing but you have to choose it for yourself.

There is no magic combination of.words anyone will find here that will make it suddenly look easy to you or be the exact answer you are looking for.

If you tell yourself you will only go back to your ex, you will.

If you tell yourself you're going to stay away from him, end this relationship and seek therapy, you will.

You are the only person who can make that choice. No one can do it for you.

blobby10 · 22/10/2025 09:32

@TipsyOrca You deserve better than this man. He is one of the (many) frogs you will have to kiss/have sex with before you find the one that turns into a prince. Chuck him back in the pond -please!!!!! From an old lady who wishes she had kissed a lot more frogs before settling on the least unattractive and ending up divorced and alone.

Aknifewith16blades · 22/10/2025 09:34

Have a look at the Freedom Programme OP. Your ex might have been a controlling bastard, but this one is too. And well done for standing up for yourself.

GentleJadeOP · 22/10/2025 09:34

The general consensus here is that anal is painful and damaging but we do it to please our partners. Why has porn made all feel this way that we have to justify why we don’t want to do it

OuterSpaceCadet · 22/10/2025 09:35

I thought you should leave him from the part where you described settling for a man you don't find especially attractive because he's not as abusive as your ex.

Not being physically attracted to a man you're having sex with puts your relationship in dangerous territory from the off. You're voluntarily giving up your sexual agency. You're also selecting and keeping a man who's happy to continue having sex with someone not especially attracted to him.

So no surprises really that said man is now attempting to emotionally manipulate you. No surprises a man happy to keep shagging away with a woman who doesn't fancy him isn't especially bothered by enthusiastic consent.

I'd quit relationships for a little while and seriously work on self esteem.

BlueSlate · 22/10/2025 09:37

GentleJadeOP · 22/10/2025 09:34

The general consensus here is that anal is painful and damaging but we do it to please our partners. Why has porn made all feel this way that we have to justify why we don’t want to do it

'We' don't.

It hasn't made 'us all' feel this way.

You can say no too without any reason or justification.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 22/10/2025 09:38

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 09:14

I am just going to put it out there: I am kind of afraid of falling back into old habits - a man - if this relationship ends. The only thing really holding me back is current boyfriend. I cherish what he has done for me and I wouldn't betray him like that... by running back to someone I have told him treated me pretty badly at times. And I know going back would be sort of catastrophic for me. My mental health, at least. And my family relationships, which have only recently recovered. I'm stuck. Maybe I'm making myself stuck.

Edited

This relationship is doomed @TipsyOrca .

You don't love this guy, and he knows it. I think this is why the anal sex has become such a big thing for him.

He knows you don't love him, that he's a rebound, and he knows that he's not measuring up. And that's hurting him, not least because the man he doesn't measure up to is an abusive arsehole.

And so he's looking for some sign that you love him, and for some reason he's fixated on this. If you do this, it'll prove you trust him, care about him, love him.

I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour here, but maybe explain it. And that explanation doesn't absolve him, doesn't make him a good man. He's a bad man. A good man wouldn't try to ignore your consent, wouldn't want to cause you pain in order to prove to himself that you love him.

It sounds like he's now accepted that you're not going to do it. But that means he's also realised that you don't feel the way about him that you should, and so he's giving you the cold shoulder, and he's not having sex with you because he knows deep down you're not enjoying it. He's still not being a good man though. A good man would try to talk the issue through, and then end the relationship when it became obvious that this wasn't working.

It doesn't seem like he's going to do this, so you need to @TipsyOrca . Because you're not being a good woman either. Take the anal sex issue out of this for a minute, and admit to yourself that you've been using this man since you started dating him. You don't love him, you don't fancy him, you don't want sex with him. You've only been going out with him because you feel he was something you "need". He's a rebound, a safety net, a nicotine patch, something to stop you running back to someone you know isn't good for him.

That's a bit shit, but it's not a reason to do a sex act you don't want to do. It's a reason to dump him. And then stay single until you're actually in a position to begin a relationship on an equal footing.

Randomer75 · 22/10/2025 09:39

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:29

It is anal, yes. As I said, we tried once, never again. Ex didn't want to redo it because it hurt for me and I cried. It is pretty bleak to think that my ex, who could be a controlling bastard at times, had more regard for that than current boyfriend? Who is in every other way a total dream to be with? Like, no genuine reaction whatsoever when I say it hurt too much for me and I have no interest in doing it again?
"I know, but if we take it slow and do enough preparation, it won't hurt. You know me, right? I wouldn't hurt you?"
I know he wouldn't. Not intentionally at least. But where does this weird entitlement come from, from a man I have only experienced as sensitive, gentle, even a feminist I would say? I don't understand.

Edited

Perhaps you could answer this with “ How about I peg you first, to the point that you are crying with pain, and I feel mortified that I have caused that to you, and then we talk about it. I mean, it would be fucking ridiculous that I’m the only one suffering pain and injury. So, you first.”

BreatheAndFocus · 22/10/2025 09:40

Being alone is a nightmare to me

I was a bit like that in my teens and early 20s. It did me no good. Firstly, I made bad choices, and secondly all my focus was outwards towards others rather than inwards on myself. That’s a bad thing because it means you don’t pay enough attention to who you are, what you want, what you dream of, and really getting to know yourself and appreciate yourself.

However, I can now say that I prefer being alone in many ways. I’m the captain of my own ship. I know myself. I can make better choices, and I can do what’s right for me. It’s a good feeling.

This man isn’t kind. He might give that appearance but he’s trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do and that hurt you. I very much doubt he really cares about you as an individual. His sulking over your refusal is awful. You’d honestly be better off without him, taking time for yourself and learning more about yourself.

Greenwitchart · 22/10/2025 09:40

Dump him!

Any man who is trying to coerce you into doing a sexual act you clearly stated don't enjoy and have no intention to ever do again is not someone you want as a partner.

Before you start dating again I would spend some time working on your self-esteem and develop healthy boundaries as you seem to have a history of being with manipulative and abusive men.

Adooree · 22/10/2025 09:42

GentleJadeOP · 22/10/2025 09:34

The general consensus here is that anal is painful and damaging but we do it to please our partners. Why has porn made all feel this way that we have to justify why we don’t want to do it

I was married for 15 years and made it a no go act . It was not then mentioned again . No is no.
I'm remarried ( again long term ) it's still no .

fishtank12345 · 22/10/2025 09:43

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:10

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

Do not do it. You owe this man nothing and if he is pressuring you end the relationship is my advice.

BlueandPinkSwan · 22/10/2025 09:46

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 22/10/2025 08:15

As I guess it's anal - suggest your whim is to give him a good seeing to with a strap on. If he likes it he can do it to you..

Forget the excuses and making allowances, so many peeps on MN will forgive anything' cos I love him'.
Consider why you are with this bloke if he's a shit, piling on guilt and shit like 'he did it why can't I'? Get shot of this twat.
Fuck off Joe and shut the door behind you.

Joliefolie · 22/10/2025 09:49

OP, you need therapy. Work through the attachment issues with a therapist and stop using men to cover over the trauma. If you want the relationship you deserve - one where neither of you are using the other as objects to fill in your own lack of self-esteem - then you first need to work on the relationship you have to yourself. Look at your reasons for not wanting to lose this relationship with a man that is willing to see you in pain in order to deal with his self-esteem issues. The time to do this is NOW. You deserve so much better. You won't get it if you don't put some effort in. Get the support you need from a therapist. What is your friendship situation like?

HelpMeUnpickThis · 22/10/2025 09:50

TipsyOrca · 22/10/2025 08:38

I have asked him why he wants to do it so badly when I tell him it hurt a lot for me. The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too? I think it's not even as much about the act itself, or intimacy, which was the reason why I tried it with the ex; I think it's a weird ego thing.

Edited
Show quote history

“The answer being, you did it with your ex, can't you take the pain for a second for me, too?

I think it's not even as much about the act itself, or intimacy, which was the reason why I tried it with the ex; I think it's a weird ego thing”

OP @TipsyOrca WTF???? Dump this man immediately!!!! He is awful.

Sara050 · 22/10/2025 09:51

Until you're happy on your own OP you'll always be vulnerable to abusive men. This guy is not good, it sounds like he's completely selfish in bed. End it and work on yourself and being happy alone.

Take control of your life back from men OP. Block the asshole ex who is still manipulating and getting in your head and end things with this guy who has shown you his true colours.

Intrigued20 · 22/10/2025 09:52

This makes me feel a bit sick. And angry. How dare he.