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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ladies, would you ever put up with this?

83 replies

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 19:22

Good evening ladies, this is my first time posting and I’d appreciate some support.

Background- Me (35F) a naturally shy and unconfident person who has fought through life with several abusive relationships. I have a one year old and my partner (42M).

We have been together for 10 years and have faced many challenges together in that period. He is smart, initially very kind, soft and dependable. Over the last few years he has become increasingly depressed and unhappy with me/us/himself. He attempted to commit suicide a few years ago, he says I didn’t support him through this. I tried to listen and be there for him and encouraged him to speak to others aside from me, tried to find him a counsellor etc.

He kept saying he was feeling awful and began to smash things in the house and self harm. I was devastated he felt he had no other choice but to do this but also very scared by his smashing things, including in front of our DS.

After months of this, he anger turned to me and he physically assaulted me one morning about nine months ago. It wasn’t just a slap but an assault. He was mortified by his actions, said he had a complete mental break down and was charged for the offence.

We have since seen each other a little bit but I wanted to ask would you ever be able to forgive someone for this? Move on together or would this totally be the end?

Thank you, I appreciate you reading this.

OP posts:
SquirrelBlue · 21/10/2025 19:24

No he went from smashing things including in front of a child to assault. That's escalating over a period of time. I wouldn't trust him ever again

blankcanvas3 · 21/10/2025 19:26

He assaulted you. This is the end. You need to leave.

anytipswelcome · 21/10/2025 19:27

You poor thing.

If you didn’t have a child I’d say you’d be foolish to even consider getting back with him.

The fact you do have a child means you would be foolish AND also irresponsible - your child deserves a healthy, safe mum.

Please put your son first by prioritising him and you over the relationship, even if the man is his father.

You can live a happy, healthy life with your little boy free of abuse and show him what a happy, healthy home looks like.

You cannot do that if you get back with this man.

You’ve been through so much. It’s time to make the firm, concrete decision to stop even considering reuniting with this man.

Claricecannotsleep · 21/10/2025 19:27

The end. Walk away. Move on.

Bittenonce · 21/10/2025 19:27

You know you can’t live with the fear of that happening again. To you or to your son, as and when he next loses control. You can forgive - but that doesn’t mean you can wind back the clock.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/10/2025 19:28

No, I would never forgive or reconcile with anyone who did this to me, never, he crossed a line op and if you take him back you would be signalling he is ok to do it again and blame it on another mental break.

Arlanymor · 21/10/2025 19:28

SquirrelBlue · 21/10/2025 19:24

No he went from smashing things including in front of a child to assault. That's escalating over a period of time. I wouldn't trust him ever again

Same.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 21/10/2025 19:28

I might be able to forgive but I would never forget. And I certainly would not continue the relationship.

WinterSunglasses · 21/10/2025 19:29

Way too soon, if ever, to forgive him.

Was he convicted? Did he get any therapy or anger management? What evidence do you have that he's changed, beyond what he says himself? It sounds like he was happy to blame you for a lot of his feelings.

Don't put yourself at risk again. It's sad when this happens but you have to keep yourself and your son safe.

TomatoSandwiches · 21/10/2025 19:31

What if next time he kills you op?
What if next time he goes for your baby?
What if next time he kills you and your son and then himself?

My first memory is watching my biological father kicking and smashing in the back door to our kitchen to get to our mum, don't let your child experience something similar, you'll never forgive yourself let alone him.

SeaAndStars · 21/10/2025 19:39

It would absolutely and without all doubt be the end.
You have a 1 year old to think about and you need to keep her and yourself from harm.

ShapeshifterMam · 21/10/2025 19:40

Deep down you know, we always know...
There is no trust therefore this can't be a relationship worth having. You've been strong so far, keep feeling that strength and leave. You'll be so glad you did x

Linenpickle · 21/10/2025 19:40

Absolutely not. Leave.

menopausalfart · 21/10/2025 19:43

I wouldn't have anything to do with him unless he were getting extensive therapy. Even then, I wouldn't live with him again.

GreenFrogYellow · 21/10/2025 19:45

No I could never get past this. You’d be putting your child at risk.

persisted · 21/10/2025 19:47

Never. It doesn’t matter what he says, words are easy. What matters is what he did.
What happens next time he’s tired/ill/annoyed/frustrated/stressed whatever feeble excuse he’s given?

persisted · 21/10/2025 19:47

Never. It doesn’t matter what he says, words are easy. What matters is what he did.
What happens next time he’s tired/ill/annoyed/frustrated/stressed whatever feeble excuse he’s given?

ClarissR · 21/10/2025 19:48

It’d be the end because you owe it to your child.

Beamur · 21/10/2025 19:51

That would be the end for me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 19:56

No to going back ever. it’s over and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You are also not done rehab centre for such a badly raised man. These types of men hate women, all of them.

Your child and you are not safe to be with him. He is the latest in a long line of abusive relationships. Your boundaries here, already skewed by past abuse, have been further eroded by this man.

What if any counselling have you had re these abusive relationships?. Have you ever completed the Freedom programme?.

SereneLime · 21/10/2025 19:59

No, I would never have him back. The end.

BlueandPinkSwan · 21/10/2025 20:00

This needs to finished last week. He's problems aren't yours he needs to out himself out in anyway he sees fit, even if that was suicide. He might use this as a control threat, but you need to ignore it. My ex did this and he had mh problems, alkie etc. He couldn't live without me and the kids, blah, blah. I was 'Whatever' he had been a complete shit. - Within the month he had moved with with some other mug and shafted her financially before cheating on her and running off "With a slag at the pub" she words, - she contacted me after he left.
PRIORITY - You need to look after yourself and your child and get away from him. No contact.

SemmaLina · 21/10/2025 20:02

No , it would be over and he would not have access to the child without supervision

Rainbowqueeen · 21/10/2025 20:02

No. It’s not worth the risk no matter how much therapy he gets and how much he claims to have changed.

Ooodelally · 21/10/2025 20:07

Never. Keep yourself safe. Keep your child safe. You will never forgive yourself if he harms your child…

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