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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ladies, would you ever put up with this?

83 replies

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 19:22

Good evening ladies, this is my first time posting and I’d appreciate some support.

Background- Me (35F) a naturally shy and unconfident person who has fought through life with several abusive relationships. I have a one year old and my partner (42M).

We have been together for 10 years and have faced many challenges together in that period. He is smart, initially very kind, soft and dependable. Over the last few years he has become increasingly depressed and unhappy with me/us/himself. He attempted to commit suicide a few years ago, he says I didn’t support him through this. I tried to listen and be there for him and encouraged him to speak to others aside from me, tried to find him a counsellor etc.

He kept saying he was feeling awful and began to smash things in the house and self harm. I was devastated he felt he had no other choice but to do this but also very scared by his smashing things, including in front of our DS.

After months of this, he anger turned to me and he physically assaulted me one morning about nine months ago. It wasn’t just a slap but an assault. He was mortified by his actions, said he had a complete mental break down and was charged for the offence.

We have since seen each other a little bit but I wanted to ask would you ever be able to forgive someone for this? Move on together or would this totally be the end?

Thank you, I appreciate you reading this.

OP posts:
cramptramp · 21/10/2025 21:03

Not fair on your child to get back with him. That should be your first consideration.

fishtank12345 · 21/10/2025 21:04

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 20:55

I’m very worried though that as he’s been back in both mine and DS’s life for a little while after conviction (including spending days/evening all together) if we separate now he may get and expect days/overnight with child alone. This is not something I would want or feel comfortable with.

Show quote history

Since he is the dad then mayhe? I dont know the law on this but its better than you being damaged or worse... get away from him.

fishtank12345 · 21/10/2025 21:05

ERthree · 21/10/2025 20:11

He is a danger to both you and your child.

And this, if you can prove it then he should not be allowed his child? Would he even want to co parent anyway ?

rainbowsparkle28 · 21/10/2025 21:06

I would not be going with a mile tbh. Steer well clear. He has shown his colours and you cannot risk anything further and deserve more than that.

Ellie56 · 21/10/2025 21:12

No I could never trust him again.

Why have you have allowed him back in your life? You need to keep yourself and your child well clear of him.

Original poster
Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 21:22

When you have been with someone who for a prolonged period of time was kind, caring, thoughtful etc, it’s extremely difficult to accept that he can become a person who could be violent. I am also financially entwined with him and have a child together. He is also someone who had been loving to our child and definitely wants to have contact with our child.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 21:31

He should have thought about that before smashing up your home and further going onto assault you. These are not the actions of a loving father or partner. He’s been showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse throughout your relationship.

How are you financially entwined with him?, This is no reason to remain with humans your name can be removed from joint bank accounts and tenancy agreements etc.

This man is just the latest in a line of abusive relationships you’ve had to date. You need to be on your own with your child and not enter into any further relationship until
your boundaries are a lot better and that could take years.

He should not be anywhere near you or your child because of the risk he poses.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 21:32

him and, not humans

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 21/10/2025 21:33

You and your son are worth more. He is not your responsibility but your son is. Take care.x

ThatsNotMyNameAlan · 21/10/2025 21:36

No. You have a CHILD to think about! It’s not just about you any more.

Defoncforthis · 21/10/2025 21:38

No. Never. What if his mind snaps again just this time he kills you? If you can't do it for yourself, imagine your child motherless.

StrawberryWater · 21/10/2025 21:47

This is going to sound harsh op but maybe you need to hear it.

All I'm hearing is me, me, me.

Stop.

He could've killed you.

He could still kill you. He could kill your child and yet what are you continuously thinking about? Your relationship.

Wake the fuck up.

Take your relationship out of the equation and start advocating for your child here. Protect them. That's the only thing you should be thinking about. Not whether or not you can forgive this grotesque creature calling himself a man.

tothelefttotheleft · 21/10/2025 22:04

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 21:22

When you have been with someone who for a prolonged period of time was kind, caring, thoughtful etc, it’s extremely difficult to accept that he can become a person who could be violent. I am also financially entwined with him and have a child together. He is also someone who had been loving to our child and definitely wants to have contact with our child.

I could have said all that.

In retrospect the earlier I'd accepted it was over and started again the better and less confusing it would have been for my child. If you do it now your child could be undamaged by this man.

Tassielassie · 21/10/2025 22:09

Absolutely not.
I am so sorry but he could kill you next time. Don't risk it.

strawgoh · 21/10/2025 22:11

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 19:22

Good evening ladies, this is my first time posting and I’d appreciate some support.

Background- Me (35F) a naturally shy and unconfident person who has fought through life with several abusive relationships. I have a one year old and my partner (42M).

We have been together for 10 years and have faced many challenges together in that period. He is smart, initially very kind, soft and dependable. Over the last few years he has become increasingly depressed and unhappy with me/us/himself. He attempted to commit suicide a few years ago, he says I didn’t support him through this. I tried to listen and be there for him and encouraged him to speak to others aside from me, tried to find him a counsellor etc.

He kept saying he was feeling awful and began to smash things in the house and self harm. I was devastated he felt he had no other choice but to do this but also very scared by his smashing things, including in front of our DS.

After months of this, he anger turned to me and he physically assaulted me one morning about nine months ago. It wasn’t just a slap but an assault. He was mortified by his actions, said he had a complete mental break down and was charged for the offence.

We have since seen each other a little bit but I wanted to ask would you ever be able to forgive someone for this? Move on together or would this totally be the end?

Thank you, I appreciate you reading this.

My ex was like that. His behaviour escalated in much the same way and he also physically abused me in the end. I too put up with it for far longer than I should have. Please, please do not go back into a relationship with him.

regista · 21/10/2025 22:15

You've said that when you see him he is visibly upset etc. I interpret this as he's making it all about him as if he is the victim here (not good) and/or he is not stable emotionally yet (also not good).

You would be foolish to go back as it's very likely he will escalate again. Continue to navigate this as best you can to protect your child.

Lavender14 · 21/10/2025 22:26

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 19:22

Good evening ladies, this is my first time posting and I’d appreciate some support.

Background- Me (35F) a naturally shy and unconfident person who has fought through life with several abusive relationships. I have a one year old and my partner (42M).

We have been together for 10 years and have faced many challenges together in that period. He is smart, initially very kind, soft and dependable. Over the last few years he has become increasingly depressed and unhappy with me/us/himself. He attempted to commit suicide a few years ago, he says I didn’t support him through this. I tried to listen and be there for him and encouraged him to speak to others aside from me, tried to find him a counsellor etc.

He kept saying he was feeling awful and began to smash things in the house and self harm. I was devastated he felt he had no other choice but to do this but also very scared by his smashing things, including in front of our DS.

After months of this, he anger turned to me and he physically assaulted me one morning about nine months ago. It wasn’t just a slap but an assault. He was mortified by his actions, said he had a complete mental break down and was charged for the offence.

We have since seen each other a little bit but I wanted to ask would you ever be able to forgive someone for this? Move on together or would this totally be the end?

Thank you, I appreciate you reading this.

Never.

Op you need to do a freedom programme. What you've described is just classic abuse. And abusers will regularly blame their mental health etc but that's not the cause of the abuse. You have to prioritise your child and the safety of you and your child in this and your ex is not a safe person for you or your child to be around.

"I was devastated he felt he had no other choice but to do this" this is the statement that tells me you need to do some work yourself to process and understand the domestic abuse. He did have a choice - lots of them- he CHOSE to assault you and assault your child. (Smashing things in someone's vicinity is actually assault even if you don't touch them). You provided him with alternatives which he CHOSE not to take and instead he CHOSE to blame you to avoid taking responsibility.

He's not a passive bystander in this and its crucial that you get support from womens aid and your own domestic abuse informed therapy to help you understand what you've actually been dealing with so you can protect yourself and your child. It sounds like your previous relationship experiences have skewed your boundaries and you've looked at this relationship as healthy when actually it was just a different angle of abuse.

This will never get better, he's not just assaulted you - he's assaulted your child. Do not under any circumstances go back there.

Lavender14 · 21/10/2025 22:30

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 21:22

When you have been with someone who for a prolonged period of time was kind, caring, thoughtful etc, it’s extremely difficult to accept that he can become a person who could be violent. I am also financially entwined with him and have a child together. He is also someone who had been loving to our child and definitely wants to have contact with our child.

Also, absolutely noone goes on a first date, gets assaulted and decides to go for a second.

ALL perpetrators of domestic abuse start out nice and kind and great with kids etc for however long it takes for them to get comfortable and for you to trust them. What you've written in this post applies to all married/cohabiting/ coparenting victims of domestic abuse. It might help to look up the cycle of violence diagram to see the pattern you've been living with. Being nice and kind etc is part of the manipulation as are false promises to be better and painting themselves as the victim.

NormasArse · 21/10/2025 22:31

If he lost control and the worst happened, your child would grow up without a mum.

He has serious issues that cannot be healed by you. You can support him from a distance, if you want to, but your primary focus should be on your child and yourself.

Good luck x

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 21/10/2025 22:31

No I would never forgive this or put my child in danger by being with him.

I am sorry he had multiple chances to get help and support but he blamed then hurt you.

Please, please do not go back to- ever!!

Next time you or your child may not be so lucky.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 21/10/2025 22:38

Wiltedflowerinacave · 21/10/2025 21:22

When you have been with someone who for a prolonged period of time was kind, caring, thoughtful etc, it’s extremely difficult to accept that he can become a person who could be violent. I am also financially entwined with him and have a child together. He is also someone who had been loving to our child and definitely wants to have contact with our child.

It isn’t difficult to accept though because YOU have seen it and scarily your DC has seen it.

If I am being honest and you were my friend I would be worried about your ability to keep you and your child safe - which would be a safeguarding issue.

His crying/ behaviour is just sorrow he got fucking caught - don’t put up with that nonsense.

Kitkate21 · 21/10/2025 22:42

Would you tell your daughter to put up this this?? Hell no. Put that one back!

QuickPeachPoet · 21/10/2025 22:45

Would you forgive yourself if the next time he turned on the baby?

Go back to him if you have to, but make sure the baby is elsewhere if a man is more important than his welfare. He deserves better.

FigCandle · 21/10/2025 22:46

No. Draw a line and move on OP.

Endofyear · 21/10/2025 22:50

No I would not forgive, nor would I ever put myself or my child in danger again. Please stay away from him and protect yourself and your child.

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