Ladies, would you ever put up with this?

[Wiltedflowerinacave]

Good evening ladies, this is my first time posting and I’d appreciate some support.

Background- Me (35F) a naturally shy and unconfident person who has fought through life with several abusive relationships. I have a one year old and my partner (42M).

We have been together for 10 years and have faced many challenges together in that period. He is smart, initially very kind, soft and dependable. Over the last few years he has become increasingly depressed and unhappy with me/us/himself. He attempted to commit suicide a few years ago, he says I didn’t support him through this. I tried to listen and be there for him and encouraged him to speak to others aside from me, tried to find him a counsellor etc.

He kept saying he was feeling awful and began to smash things in the house and self harm. I was devastated he felt he had no other choice but to do this but also very scared by his smashing things, including in front of our DS.

After months of this, he anger turned to me and he physically assaulted me one morning about nine months ago. It wasn’t just a slap but an assault. He was mortified by his actions, said he had a complete mental break down and was charged for the offence.

We have since seen each other a little bit but I wanted to ask would you ever be able to forgive someone for this? Move on together or would this totally be the end?

Thank you, I appreciate you reading this.

If it's new, he must see a doctor. The only time I've heard of previously decent men/women doing this turned out to be a brain tumour in one case, neurological conditions in the other 2.
Two were treated successfully. If it is this (and no, obviously not all behaviour is a result of medical conditions, but these were), the sooner a diagnosis is made and treatment sought, the better.
Whether or not it is a medical condition, you must not ignore this.

He is a danger to both you and your child.

Yes he’s been getting counselling and he was convicted. Every time I have seen him he is still visibly upset/ distressed/ crying to begin with.

I am so sorry you went through this.

Forgive, maybe. Live with again? Absolutely not. And as far as possible I would prevent him being alone with our child. Visitations would need to be carefully managed and preferably in a public place.
Sending you love and care OP. Put yourself and your child first, always.

No. He will do it again.

No, never.
Not as a young woman, not in my mid - forties
and definitely wouldn't have ANY partner anymore now.
Sorry.

I would never feel safe for him to live with us again but I am very worried about what child contact he will be entitled to if we separate properly.

Absolutely no way would I go back after that. I wouldn’t want my child with him unsupervised either

Thank you for all your responses ladies, it means a lot to me.

It's the end. Put your child first and show an example to her. Neither of you deserve any more drama.

I completely get that. I hope given his history you would have a very good grounding to set the rules, so to speak, but definitely consult with a lawyer and get some proper advice and maybe think about evidence gathering now so that you're prepared and can feel secure and informed when assessing your options.

Even if he gets counselling it would be near impossible to have a healthy and equal relationship with him because in the back of your mind you know he is capable of this. That means you’re likely to adapt your behaviour to his moods as you know he could do it again.

Someone’s mental health issues are never an excuse for domestic abuse, and your child needs to live in a safe environment where you’re not walking on eggshells

Nope. If anything he will only get worse.

People like that don't deserve a wife or regular contact with their children. He could hurt them.

Whatever he says do not get back with him. Your life and your safety for you and the kids depends on it.

If he is that bothered about his child then he could see her in a contact centre. You are not safe enough to be around him.

Seek legal advice for your own self re him. I would not ever entertain any informal arrangement with this abusive man and he’s only crying now because he’s been caught. He’s shown you no remorse for his actions.

And your dd needs better ie non abusive male role models in her life.

I’ve lived this. The person responsible was sectioned (voluntarily) and diagnosed with bipolar and depression. Many years of therapy and medication but violence never repeated and we all have a close family relationship. We were fortunate that we were able to access high quality care and treatment. I think every situation is different, and every person involved is different but as long as something drastic happens, now, it may not be the end. But the journey will be long.

Just no.

I did. You know what happened? He beat me up worse the next time. I did again and again and again. He'd cry, beg forgiveness, plead, threaten suicide, cry some more and I'd go back. It took 7 or maybe 8 times before I left for good. I left because I knew that he was going to kill me or I'd kill him. I pictured myself smashing a lamp over his head as he attacked me. I could see myself doing it and I'd never ever had violent thoughts about anyone.

You need to run. Going back is only delaying the inevitable and allowing him access to you so he can continue to abuse you and your child. Your child seeing this is abuse. This is not love. There's no coming back from it. There's only a cycle of love bombing and escalating violence.

No I couldn't.

Absolutely not, no why.

One punch can kill or cause significant long life injuries. I also wouldn't subject a child to this. He's unstable and high risk.

I’m very worried though that as he’s been back in both mine and DS’s life for a little while after conviction (including spending days/evening all together) if we separate now he may get and expect days/overnight with child alone. This is not something I would want or feel comfortable with.

Never - unforgivable.

Your partner went from smashing items to physically assaulting you. He's smashed items and has shown aggressive behaviour in front of your child. You are not responsible for 'fixing' your partner. You are not responsible for your partner's aggression or violent outbursts. What I can tell you is, this is not a safe environment for your child. It's not a safe environment for you either. The fact your partner's aggression has escalated, means you are in very real danger of him hitting you again, and again...until you're caught in a neverending cycle of abuse. Your partner is a danger to your child, and he definitely shouldn't have unsupervised access. Please don't allow this man back into your life, if you can't do it for you, do it for your child. Domestic violence has a huge impact on children, and it's an impact that can last a lifetime.

You might forgive him especially as he probably has a mental illness, but you must not trust him around your child or yourself for a very long time, if ever. He needs treatment and to show that he's changed. Words are cheap.

This 100%