How do you avoid score keeping in marriage after a baby?

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We have a 6-month-old baby, both working (me part time). We’re both exhausted and have been arguing a lot.

We’ve fallen into this horrible scorekeeping pattern and I feel like my contributions just aren’t valued the same way his are. Example from this week: He told me “I’ve cooked four days in a row for you.” But while he was cooking, I was bathing and doing bedtime with baby. In his mind, cooking = doing something FOR ME (like a favor), whereas my childcare during that time doesn’t seem to count the same way? It’s not like I was putting my feet up so why bring it up?

Another example: This week I’ve done 4 night shifts with baby to his 3. He goes to the gym every day at 6pm (I have baby). When I said I’m too tired to keep up with exercise, he suggested I should work less and go to gym during nursery hours but I often don’t get time because I’ve used the mornings to sleep in and catch up from baby night shift then gone to work and then it’s time to collect baby from nursery.

Yesterday: I did night shift, he took baby at 7am and dropped at grandparents at 9:30am then went to work. He came home about 3 so short day at work, had a nap, then went to gym at 6pm and had a long bath. I slept in after night shift, did an hour of work, had a facial (the first time I’ve had to myself all week aside from a hour gym Tuesday) then picked up baby and looked after him until 8pm. By then I was exhausted and said I was too tired to go out for dinner (I’d suggested it earlier). He got angry, called me selfish, said I’d “laid in bed all morning” and left the house a mess (a few plates by the sink from earlier in the week). It upset me because I don’t want to lie in bed in the morning but I’m KNACKERED, and when baby is with grandparent I think it’s mean to throw it in my face that I sleep in the mornings after night shifts.

For those who’ve dealt with this - how did you get past it? How do you get your DH to actually SEE and VALUE what you’re doing? Or is this just what life with a baby is like and I need to accept it?

Feeling a bit hopeless that this dynamic will ever change.

When in the trenches of early child rearing, point scoring is a bad habit. Sometimes, it takes calm discussion to make the active decision together that point scoring won’t happen.

However, that only work when trying the best to work as a team. If he says “I cooked dinner for you, well, he also cooked dinner for him”. On the nights you cook dinner, where is he and what is he doing? Is sharing the cooking a thing to do but sorting the washing, folding and putting away clothes/toys when not cooking not a thing to share?

You need to look carefully and see whether teamwork or whether cherry picking is the way he gets through a weeks worth of living.

Thank you, this is really helpful @TheSandgroper

When I’m doing the cooking, he’s usually on his working or “at the gym” after work. The washing, tidying, mental load of remembering things (, appointments, etc.) to do with baby mainly falls to me.

And the gym thing is the clearest example - he goes every single day at 6pm while I have baby. That’s his locked-in child-free time. When I said I want to exercise too, his solution was that I should work less and go during nursery hours (losing income for our business), rather than us just alternating evenings so I get the same break he does.

Same here…I came to the conclusion that my husband is selfish and I’m divorcing him. No advice, but sympathy.

I'm sorry to hear @Cinai- what age are your children? Are you experiencing exactly the same type of thing?

Talk about it and agree to stop. Then stop doing it. Sometimes you have to stop yourself from saying it when you're thinking it until you stop thinking it eventually.

It gets better as your child grows up and is easier.

Is this normal then @Dolamrothand what age should I expect it to improve?

I hate to say it OP but I don’t think it does, and it gets worse if you have more than 1 child. Both of you will have even less time.

My baby is 13 months. Basically all the work falls on me, he has his gym time each morning at 6am before work, plus usually works or goes to the gym on the weekend as well. We don’t share finances so I have to work full time as well plus do everything with the baby 7 days per week. He then gracefully offers me a couple of hours on a Sunday or an evening during the week to exercise, but I can’t get past feeling that this is a very unfair share of the load. Since he’s unwilling to make any changes or even hear me out, I feel it is the end for us.

Just to say my DH and I have 3 DC, yes it's bloody tough, yes we bicker, especially during the first year of all their lives. Our 12 month old is an utterly horrendous sleeper too which has put an additional strain on us, our older two were nowhere near as bad.

All that being said, we don't and never have "kept score" tbh, we have always been a team. He would never say such a thing to me and if I ever say I want to do something he would say to me "ok, let me know when" and have the kids absolutely no questions asked.

I know that might not make you feel better and I apologise for that but I wanted you to know it doesn't have to be that way.

write down the daily tasks together (including baby tasks) and split them fairly. Then factor in free time each (again equally. ) With the nights do you do them all? Can he do some? Who ever does nights during week gets an extra x amount time in bed in morning (or at night if preferred) and at weekend have a lay in each.
We did use to point score and dh did use to leave jobs to me. I had a breakdown (many factors not just lack of contribution) since then we have stopped kicking each other down and both make a conscious effort not to do it.

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReali know I feel sad because I’d love another but age and how things are with the first I don’t think I good idea. We don’t have a great support locally. Our families are amazing but all hour away so unless we pay for support, not a good idea

I hope things improve for you 💐

I avoid point scoring by not having an absolute sickhead of a husband. The problem is him. Sounds like he doesn't pull his weight. The gym every day? Fuck that. Can you do the cooking and let him have the baby? The cooking is way easier.

All you can do is discuss it, make a plan of who does what. Its times like these, when the going gets tough, you see the real person. The resentment continues to grow over the years. Youll end up just doing it all or youll get called a nag for even asking. Then over time you either put up and shut up or get out.

I love how you get a lie in after a “night shift”!! And a facial with a 6 mo. That is a privilege, most mums don’t get that luxury.
It’s seems you also need to look inward rather than pointing the finger at him also. Ditto to him.
Its a 2 way thing, you don’t have the upper hand just because you do more with the baby. Welcome to motherhood! He also has difficulties like working full time with disturbed sleep. Does he get a lie in?

It's probably pretty common, especially with your first. Having a baby is a big change and the tiredness is off the charts. You both have to try and remember it isn't a competition. Easy to say I know, this too shall pass ❤️

Your body is recovering from growing a human inside you. All your internal organs shifted to accommodate the baby which is technically a parasite feeding off you. See the amazing Josh to see it explained.

https://www.tiktok.com/@scibodytherapy/video/7484393385394998570

You are meant to be a team working together and that means tag teaming, making sure each other has time to sleep, to be alone, not working, not caring for the baby but free of responsibility for a short time. For him that seems to be the gym. Personally I think as he is available every day at 6pm for a gym session he can give 2 of those over to you and he takes care of his child.

How much time does he spend one on one with his child? As for cooking, he would be making meals for himself anyway so he isn't doing anything "for you" it is for both of you. It seems you have had a child with someone whose life has not really changed and doesn't seem to support his partner.

You need to talk about how you communicate. His whole I have cooked 4 nights in a row comment, what does he want? A gold medal? Plenty of lone parents prepare 3 meals a day 7 days a week. Maybe consider batch cooking or buying in easy meals to prepare so it doesn't take long. A slow cooker is brilliant for dumping food into and it all cooked by dinner time. Lots of videos on youtube for these sort of dinners.

When talking don't go with you never do x,y, z but say it would be helpful if you did x and then he in turn could say and it would be helpful if you did y. You are a team working toward a goal, a healthy, happy relationship which feels fair to both people.

It sounds like you both get a fairly decent amount of "you" time.
Why are you both point scoring? Outside of the keeping up with sleep, gym, etc etc you're both putting into your joint family.
It sounds like you're fairly splitting a lot of the chores. 3/4 nights with the baby each, 4/3 nights cooking.
Where is resentment creeping in? What needs do you both feel you're not having met? Speak about them and work on those feelings together.
Also, recognise the first few years of having kids is flipping hard.
There's a huge workload, and you're both putting in to create the life you want, and acchildhood for your child to remember, so best make it as happy as you can.

agree with this. Sounds like it’s both of you.

or maybe as with 2 under 2 and a partner is generally hands on and great but works away a lot and I have to solo parent, I am just jealous of the idea of a lie in after night shift. Every day I have to be out of the house for nursery drop off with toddler and baby by 8.15 (as I drop husband to Stn en route). He gets home at 7.30pm when he isn’t working away. So I do 90% of childcare and he hasn’t done a single night shift with the 4month old. However during the weekend he makes me breakfasts and food and does the majority of of the housework.
you have to realise you’re a team. Both of you need to realise that. It’s not tit for tat. You both can bring different things to the table. It’s just a phase of life and you have to see the good in each other.

You cannot make someone who doesn't respect you respect you. You can only respect yourself and walk away. I'm sorry, it must be awful to find out you were only ever a service provider to your husband and that he resents reciprocation because of that.

But now you know.

And if you walk away and he has to do full fifty fifty care of his child, maybe he will realise what you were putting in and experience character growth. And maybe not. But either way, don't stay with people who don't view you as anything more than someone who is there to facilitate his life.

This is not about the child. The child is only giving you the circumstances to see hin for who he really is. Someone who doesn't value you as his equal. Who doesn't respect your time or what you to have the same peace, space and freedoms as he does.

Your child is a gift for more reasons than one. S/he has given you this chance to see the lies and get out of this 'partnership'.

I have been exactly where you are. One of the things that helped me was just to pretty much copy my husband.

yours goes to the gym for one hour per day. Insist on having something for you one hour per day. Even if you just go for a walk with your music on. I’ll sit on a park bench.

Insist on splitting the night times. Pointscoring is never good but if you feel there is an imbalance then you do need to speak about it because he will have a different viewpoint.

For example, my husband would take 45 minutes on a morning to get showered and dressed, so I would then just take my own 45 minutes even though I could do it in 15. It changed my feelings and tbh he didn’t seem to notice.

The gym every single day for one hour is a lot though. If he really wanted to, he could drop that to 4 times a week.

It's so hard. I think point scoring like this ends up in bitterness and resentment. To avoid that, you need to work really hard to both have a fair as possible share of looking after babe, factoring in his full time and your part time work, and actively make time for you. Me and DH put stuff in the calendar and share with each other. I know you're knackered at that age but you have to get out of bed and exercise or so something for yourself when you have the time. You will feel so much better for it

This is such good advice. You both need to have compassion for one another even when you're exhausted

“I’ve cooked four days in a row for you.” Is he cooking a meal for only you, or does he cook for both of you?

Well we had a global pandemic and then he realised that I spent my days cleaning cooking and minding the kids and it was still messy when he got home. And I realised that he literally is non-stop in work and I don't know where he has any mental headspace with the amount of plates he has. Also without his commute there was an extra 10 hours a week that he had free for us. I reckon things would have gone amazing from there but i was pregnant so it took another 3 years. But once I started getting some alone time for myself then everything started getting better. Now if we start score keeping we pause and say hang on somethings wrong with me- I've just timed your nap. Let's reset.