How do you avoid score keeping in marriage after a baby?

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We have a 6-month-old baby, both working (me part time). We’re both exhausted and have been arguing a lot.

We’ve fallen into this horrible scorekeeping pattern and I feel like my contributions just aren’t valued the same way his are. Example from this week: He told me “I’ve cooked four days in a row for you.” But while he was cooking, I was bathing and doing bedtime with baby. In his mind, cooking = doing something FOR ME (like a favor), whereas my childcare during that time doesn’t seem to count the same way? It’s not like I was putting my feet up so why bring it up?

Another example: This week I’ve done 4 night shifts with baby to his 3. He goes to the gym every day at 6pm (I have baby). When I said I’m too tired to keep up with exercise, he suggested I should work less and go to gym during nursery hours but I often don’t get time because I’ve used the mornings to sleep in and catch up from baby night shift then gone to work and then it’s time to collect baby from nursery.

Yesterday: I did night shift, he took baby at 7am and dropped at grandparents at 9:30am then went to work. He came home about 3 so short day at work, had a nap, then went to gym at 6pm and had a long bath. I slept in after night shift, did an hour of work, had a facial (the first time I’ve had to myself all week aside from a hour gym Tuesday) then picked up baby and looked after him until 8pm. By then I was exhausted and said I was too tired to go out for dinner (I’d suggested it earlier). He got angry, called me selfish, said I’d “laid in bed all morning” and left the house a mess (a few plates by the sink from earlier in the week). It upset me because I don’t want to lie in bed in the morning but I’m KNACKERED, and when baby is with grandparent I think it’s mean to throw it in my face that I sleep in the mornings after night shifts.

For those who’ve dealt with this - how did you get past it? How do you get your DH to actually SEE and VALUE what you’re doing? Or is this just what life with a baby is like and I need to accept it?

Feeling a bit hopeless that this dynamic will ever change.

Just to clarify on the cooking - he was cooking for both of us, not just for me. And while he was cooking, I was looking after baby. Then after dinner he went off to the gym. So he’s treating cooking our meal as if he’s done me this massive favour, when I was doing childcare at the same time and continued doing it after he left for the gym.

Also adding context: I had a difficult birth with a c-section and went back to work at 3 months doing three days a week. This week I increased to four days but am so tired I can only manage half days. Six weeks ago I was struck down with a life-threatening illness (I can only suspect it’s due to low immune system from everything), then four weeks ago came down with flu again. My body is absolutely hammered.

To the person saying facials and lie-ins are a luxury - yes, I’m sure they are. But does that mean as mothers we have no right to say anything unless we’re scrapping the barrel all day every day? The facial was the only one hour I had to myself all week. I paid for it myself. Why shouldn’t I have a facial? I actually feel this mindset is often what keeps women down. It makes us feel that unless we are up shit street we have no right to say anything or point out injustices.

@GloriaMondaycooking for both of us.

re: the house being a mess, he gets angry when I leave a plate on the side or cup and don’t wash it immediately. I’d love others opinions on this - do you wash up immediately every single thing throughout the day? Or is it not more logical to wash up end of the day?

if I leave things in dishwasher he then complains he can’t find things.

Yeah sounds similar to my situation a few years ago, the arguments were relentless and started turning nasty. I think the main thing I did was just accept that it was unbalanced. I read somewhere that 70% of people who go to couples therapy have issues that can’t be resolved and it’s learning to accept and live with them instead. That kinda help me reframe it. He’s never changed a nappy, never done bath or bedtime, never taken them to the park on his own, never even looked after them in the house by himself, I do 95% of everything…it’s just the way it is. But on the flip side I have a closer relationship with my children than he does, he is the one who is ultimately missing out.

He seems to think that all the looking after the baby is your responsibility, and all the cooking and housekeeping is your responsibility.

If he lived alone, he'd be cooking and cleaning for himself.

You either put up with it or you sort out a fairer breakdown of tasks.

To be fair, he does pull his weight and actually we used to split the cooking but the fact he did it four days in a row when I’m looking after baby means he shouldn’t be keeping tabs on it IMO

Some PP bitching about the words ‘lie in’ must have had good sleepers! Don’t know about you OP but for me a ‘lie in’ currently means scraping together 6 or 7 hrs total rather than living on 4 or 5 in tiny bits. Not really a luxury in the way going to the gym every day is.

We’ve had some arguments and point scoring but also both make an effort to not do that and to recognise when the other needs a break. I leave plates everywhere because he has more time to do the dishes, it probably annoys him a bit but he gets more sleep and more downtime. I would be very annoyed by the ‘for you’ phrasing and the pissiness. Have you been clear to him that you have far less time to yourself and much more disrupted sleep? I think you have to be forthright about resentments but then also ready to forgive and move on if things do improve.

@BatildaBThis is EXACTLY it. Thank you for putting it into words.

He throws “you had a lie in” at me like it’s some luxury spa day, when actually I’m lying in out of sheer exhaustion because my legs are tingling from sleep deprivation I feel I could have a stroke in the morning I’m in pain all over. I don’t WANT to be in bed until 10:30am - I want a normal life where I can fit things into my day from the morning. I was a thriving career woman before all of this and still have a career waiting for me, but he acts like his work is more important or urgent. That’s certainly how it feels.

And his job is very flexible - he chooses how many hours he works and when. He comes home and often has naps during the day. So why is a lie-in such a problem when I do it after a night shift, but his naps after work are just fine?

@BatildaBthe funny this is my ‘lie in’ is 7-10.30!! Another three to fours on top of already shitty three or four hours!!

OP some people have no choice but to get up and moving on 2 hrs sleep, no choice to sleep in, even if a lie in means to 7am in the morning. You only have one kid and you seem to have a lot of support around at only 6 months.
Just stop feeling sorry for yourself! Stop the self pity! Have some resilience! No wonder you argue!
Motherhood is hard, you have a choice to wallow in your own self pities or just get up and moving. Of course, you may find that pity here in MN (mostly from the men haters!) if those are the comments you are drawn to.
If you keep bringing up your difficult birth, then perhaps you need to speak to someone about that. You can’t keep holding that against him.

@Bumblebeeheeim not sure if you’re trying to help I do see where you are coming from in some ways but I also think you sound bitter.

its like telling someone suffering from depression there’s people in the world way worse off .- it’s not really helpful is it? And is actually quite harmful to minimise someone’s legitimate difficulties.

sorry if you were unable to have a lie in and a facial with your babies but everyone is affected by lack of sleep differently. Your points are just not helpful at all.

@Bumblebeeheethe annoying this is I don’t actually find morherhood hard, at all. I find lack of sleep hard, that’s that difference

@Bumblebeeheealso to add, my post was about advice on how to avoid score keeping when it feels there is a disparity in a relationship. It wasn’t me maiming about how hard being a mum is.

Number one: you are point scoring by using terms like a “night shift”!! Who calls it that!?

Number 2: you work part time, he works full time. So unless your child is in childcare or with grandparents all day long, of course the childcare responsibility would ago to you. If it was the other way round then he would do it.

Number 3: I’m not bitter, I just have some resilience. I also accept it’s a phase of life and it will pass. I have a husband who I don’t point score with because we are a team and we respect each other. We decided to become parents together and we openly talk about what works and doesn’t work along the way. When I need help he picks me up. He doesn’t point score with that and vice versa. So when something needs changing, we adjust it, rather than moan about it.

Number 4; of course you find motherhood hard, that’s a bit naive if you think it’s easy. You wouldn’t be splitting the “night shifts” otherwise. Lack of sleep = harder parenting, especially as they get older. Fact.

Moaning gets you no where.

Take what you like from this but you know it’s true.

@Bumblebeeheei work four days a week so yes our child is in childcare those days which is a combination of nursery and grandparents. Obviously when I’m not at work I look after the baby - however when I’m not at work this often seems to also be the case.

also just because I said I didn’t find motherhood hard you’ve assumed I think it’s easy. That’s not what I said, I said i don’t find it hard - I find lack of sleep in the night hard. If my baby slept through, I’d be quite fine.

im not really moaning, I’m posting on a forum designed to get advice from other parents??!

This is really unkind. You're arguing against a human being getting the amount of sleep she needs. It's about balance isn't it, and the husband in this situation is having an hour to himself every single day to go to the gym. Nothing wrong with that! But the OP isn't getting an equal amount of me-time, is she? So it isn't equal.
It sounds like there's a load of pressure on the OP to work when she physically isn't ready for it after a host of illnesses, some of them stress-related. She needs to fucking sleep. To argue against that is nuts (but then, the bar is so low on here for men.)

Op I also have a 6 month old and I honestly think what you described is fairly normal.

The amount of times Ive moaned about him playing golf or hes made a comment like I let you have a shower or I cooked dinner etc and yes it leads to resentment.

You both sound exhausted which is leading to bickering or unhelpful comments.

Have you tried some child free time to reconnect with each other?

I think you have to consciously make the effort to not point score. If you want to point score, sleep on it and raise it the following day.
you both sound like you get you time each, it might not be fair at the moment but it’s not than many mums get. Sit down and communicate with each other about what you need.

It sounds like you work for yourself. Don’t feel guilty if you’re able to and can afford it to take time out of your day for yourself if you have the luxury of that flexibility. Young child rearing is a phase and you have to make it as easy as possible to get through and remain happy.

the adjustment to having a child for a relationship and giving up your time is immense and you need to work together to get through it.

@Halo20ive arranged some for this week, we will have an afternoon free to do something as we have not had any time to ourselves just the two of us for a while.

thanks for normalising things for me x

Would a rota work for cooking, lay ins etc?

I am not sure about the gym issue, perhaps you claim both weekend mornings for yourself to make up for his gym time or something like that?

Would you consider some gentle sleep training?

@YourPeppyAmberTraybakei would consider sleep training but I don’t think it’s for him as his issue is banging his legs frequently through the night which wakes me up.

getting to sleep isn’t a problem he goes to sleep pretty easily but peg banging throughout the night wakes me and then I can’t get back to sleep.

i have developed insomnia and daytime sleep doesn’t work either because he doesn’t sleep long anymore half hour naps at a. Time

I was suprised how much strain a baby has put on my marriage and read a lot about it.

We moved our baby into her own room last week and its made a massive difference in terms of her sleep and ours. Even just being able to chat in bed again makes a difference.

Some alone time will help as well and In glad you dont feel quite as alone in how you are feeling.

Sorry to hear this. Is he in your room, if so does he need to be now?

Would you consider a sleeping tablet to try and break your insomnia and your DH does the night shift for a few days. Or even a couple of nights at a nearby travel lodge or would that put extra pressure on you to sleep?

Insomnia and losing the skill to sleep really is the worst thing, you literally feel like you’re going out of your mind.

It can (and needs!) to change. Look up fair play system designed by psychologists which might help to have the conversation without heat. Having a small baby is so time consuming and both your lives should have changed but sometimes it changes more for one person than the other so it’s worth checking the balance! How can you ensure both of you get downtime? Can you outsource jobs? Does one person take on all the emotional labour of a task when the other person carries it out and how can that change? This gets easier (unless you have another and then it gets harder!) but you need to be a team while you’re in the trenches.

@Halo20well his suggestion about moving baby to his own room was for us to still sleep seperate! Because he doesn’t want to be disturbed by me at all. I thought that was harsh - he wants baby to sleep in the spare room not the room we made for him so we can continue seperate sleep.