How do you avoid score keeping in marriage after a baby?

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We have a 6-month-old baby, both working (me part time). We’re both exhausted and have been arguing a lot.

We’ve fallen into this horrible scorekeeping pattern and I feel like my contributions just aren’t valued the same way his are. Example from this week: He told me “I’ve cooked four days in a row for you.” But while he was cooking, I was bathing and doing bedtime with baby. In his mind, cooking = doing something FOR ME (like a favor), whereas my childcare during that time doesn’t seem to count the same way? It’s not like I was putting my feet up so why bring it up?

Another example: This week I’ve done 4 night shifts with baby to his 3. He goes to the gym every day at 6pm (I have baby). When I said I’m too tired to keep up with exercise, he suggested I should work less and go to gym during nursery hours but I often don’t get time because I’ve used the mornings to sleep in and catch up from baby night shift then gone to work and then it’s time to collect baby from nursery.

Yesterday: I did night shift, he took baby at 7am and dropped at grandparents at 9:30am then went to work. He came home about 3 so short day at work, had a nap, then went to gym at 6pm and had a long bath. I slept in after night shift, did an hour of work, had a facial (the first time I’ve had to myself all week aside from a hour gym Tuesday) then picked up baby and looked after him until 8pm. By then I was exhausted and said I was too tired to go out for dinner (I’d suggested it earlier). He got angry, called me selfish, said I’d “laid in bed all morning” and left the house a mess (a few plates by the sink from earlier in the week). It upset me because I don’t want to lie in bed in the morning but I’m KNACKERED, and when baby is with grandparent I think it’s mean to throw it in my face that I sleep in the mornings after night shifts.

For those who’ve dealt with this - how did you get past it? How do you get your DH to actually SEE and VALUE what you’re doing? Or is this just what life with a baby is like and I need to accept it?

Feeling a bit hopeless that this dynamic will ever change.

I do understand what it’s like (2 DCs & a good career) and your DH does seem to have it easy at the moment. He absolutely needs his own time, but equally so do you. If he chooses to spend his time at the gym then that’s ok in theory - as long as he realises that the time to be recorded is the elapsed time, including travel, not just the time spent exercising!
You definitely need an equitable split of tasks & responsibilities - don’t forget though that being with your baby is actually a very precious time & it can never be repeated. The first sit, clap, step, word, and so on, is all so
full of wonder. Don’t let it become a chore, despite the repetitive & unglamorous tasks that obviously need to be done every day.

Please, though, make sure that the timetable / rota / another more welcoming name does not become something else that you argue about!