How do you avoid score keeping in marriage after a baby?

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We have a 6-month-old baby, both working (me part time). We’re both exhausted and have been arguing a lot.

We’ve fallen into this horrible scorekeeping pattern and I feel like my contributions just aren’t valued the same way his are. Example from this week: He told me “I’ve cooked four days in a row for you.” But while he was cooking, I was bathing and doing bedtime with baby. In his mind, cooking = doing something FOR ME (like a favor), whereas my childcare during that time doesn’t seem to count the same way? It’s not like I was putting my feet up so why bring it up?

Another example: This week I’ve done 4 night shifts with baby to his 3. He goes to the gym every day at 6pm (I have baby). When I said I’m too tired to keep up with exercise, he suggested I should work less and go to gym during nursery hours but I often don’t get time because I’ve used the mornings to sleep in and catch up from baby night shift then gone to work and then it’s time to collect baby from nursery.

Yesterday: I did night shift, he took baby at 7am and dropped at grandparents at 9:30am then went to work. He came home about 3 so short day at work, had a nap, then went to gym at 6pm and had a long bath. I slept in after night shift, did an hour of work, had a facial (the first time I’ve had to myself all week aside from a hour gym Tuesday) then picked up baby and looked after him until 8pm. By then I was exhausted and said I was too tired to go out for dinner (I’d suggested it earlier). He got angry, called me selfish, said I’d “laid in bed all morning” and left the house a mess (a few plates by the sink from earlier in the week). It upset me because I don’t want to lie in bed in the morning but I’m KNACKERED, and when baby is with grandparent I think it’s mean to throw it in my face that I sleep in the mornings after night shifts.

For those who’ve dealt with this - how did you get past it? How do you get your DH to actually SEE and VALUE what you’re doing? Or is this just what life with a baby is like and I need to accept it?

Feeling a bit hopeless that this dynamic will ever change.

TBH it’s not a bad idea for now.

@YourPeppyAmberTraybakehea still in my room yes and I do think he should be in his own, we got him a cot last week to make the transition.

ive had sleeping tablets and they do help but also make me feel real bad in the morning so i ha gee stopped and dont want to rely on them. Ive taken them when insomnia gets real bad

I would absolutley not agree to that to be honest. Move baby into the room you intended for them and go back to sleeping together as hopefully your sleep improves with the baby out of the room.

My OH works very antisocial hours starting work between 2am and 5am yet we all stayed in the same room.

I don’t think it’s normal and if it is then you’ve probably had a baby with the wrong man unfortunately . Our children are now adults but the more I read on here the more I appreciate what a lovely man I’m married to .

@Halo20is it your first baby? Thank you for sharing

@tinyspinythank you. I’m not being naive but which part is abnormal to you? It just helps me understand I’m not going mad! When others point out the issues

We did separate rooms until each DC slept through and then together again. I think we made everybody’s sleep the priority and then sorted out any other issues after that when we felt a bit more sane.

It also makes me sad because unless we can work this out having a second child won’t work. That makes me sad because I can see how easily we could fix this. If he were to just not be bitter and criticise me it would actually be fine.

its not actually the inequality that bothers me the more I think about it, it’s the lack of appreciation and the fact he acts like I should be perfect keeping house perfect and never slip up and the way he criticises me that makes me sad and mad

I think it sounds really normal.

@Bumblebeehee

This attitude - that mothers should just accept doing more because “that’s how it is” and that I should be grateful I’m not doing even MORE - is exactly why so many mothers struggle with PND and burnout. And it’s exactly why men continue getting away with less, because the bar is set so incredibly low for them.

The issue isn’t whether motherhood is hard (of course it is). The issue is the double standard and the inequality making it difficult for me to return properly to my career. He gets daily gym time, naps, long baths, and social time. When I’m too exhausted to go out after doing night shift and solo parenting all day, I’m called selfish.

When I sleep in after being up all night, it’s thrown in my face.

Example from this weekend: he had baby both mornings until 11am (because I’d done nights), then yesterday I was out with baby from 2pm onwards so he had the whole day to himself, then went for a curry with a friend in the evening. It’s a Saturday - he doesn’t give me the same breaks on weekends.

There have been many weekends where I’ve done Friday-Sunday, or even stayed at my mum’s doing full childcare. He’s never given me a similar break and I honestly don’t care because I love spending time with my child but what bothers me is he dates to criticise what I’m doing

Just accept it’s a phase and it will pass” - why should I accept an unfair dynamic? Why is the answer for mothers always to just put up with inequality rather than expect our partners to step up equally?

“Moaning gets you nowhere” - neither does accepting a situation where one parent gets proper recovery time and the other doesn’t

@YourPeppyAmberTraybakethanks.

Yes its my first dc and no problem.

How about a rota, he had his Saturday so you do the same on Sunday even if you are knackered doing it. Then he’ll see how hard it is for you and it will hopefully lead to discussion and negotiation of time and chores etc.
I would try putting baby in baby’s room.

This is not good, you should be sharing not doing it all yourself

@Bumblebeehee

Agree with everything you have written. Well said.

when you get the afternoon to yourselves have a conversation. Be honest and say you’re worried about your relationship due to the resentment and ask if you can start from scratch with the childcare, that you’d like the sarky comments to stop on both sides and find some solutions to some of the issues xx

This happens a lot when the baby comes along, I think because the mother (out of necessity) adjusts to the new normal. The father might change in some ways, but he doesn't have a complete change of mindset in the way the mother does. He still expects to be a free agent.

Obviously parents can do exercise and see friends, but the freedom is gone. All of that has to be negotiated now and many men will not realise this unless they're forced to. You're not just lovers now, you're co-workers on the baby project - no-one can just go to the gym without thinking 'who is looking after the baby/cooking the dinner'?. It sounds like he hasn't got into that mindset and if you don't force change, you will find that the baby is 5 years old and your DH is still taking weekends for himself.

I wouldn't say that this is your DH's fault, in that it is very common to not adjust to the new relationship between you. But you need to find a way to build empathy for each other. When you are both calm, you need to have a discussion about free time. Look dispassionately at what you both get. Do you both want the same sort of family? It may be that he subconsciously expects the type of family he grew up with, even if that's not what he professes to want. If deep down he wants a family where the wife carries primary responsibility for the home/children will you go for that? If so, working four days is too much.

I don't agree with pp that you should just stop point-scoring. Supressing feelings of unfairness just doesn't work. However, it does help to get into a habit of when you feel resentful, make a list of things he has done. And remember: communication this subject should not happen when you are already angry and exhausted. If you have a resentment that is simmering away, save it for when you are calm. This time will pass and you will feel human again.

In some ways I don’t think almost a year long maternity leave does women any favours as it sets the pattern of the mother doing everything for baby and the father as the helper.

By not thinking that way!!
obviously a bit different to how you are, but definitely worth a reset & then you can move forward.
it isn’t a flippin competition ffs!!

By not thinking that way!!
obviously a bit different to how you are, but definitely worth a reset & then you can move forward.
it isn’t a flippin competition ffs!!

It sounds like you are missing your career and your old identity?

I found it extremely frustrating that my husband could 'carry on regardless' with his career progression and responsibilities when we had ours. I was the higher earner but I was the one who took 2 yeas off and reduced my hours. 6 years in he is earning 1.5 more than me (and I'm back full time).

The problem is that men aren't expected to take the hit. So they don't. We are forced to first by biology and second by society. That's why we need to make them take parental leave.

The way I explain it to my husband (who does do his share after a bit of cajoling) is that it's a 24/7 job looking after a baby. So during the day when you are at home that is your job. When you are both there it's split 50/50. Take the time if he doesn't give it to you. Leave him to it. Leave him with the baby and let him see how it feels. When he gets home from the gym put him in charge. Like others sat, demand the same as him. He should get it eventually. I'd also say very calmly things like'right it's your turn to do bed time, I did the bath and the food' . It's not point scoring. Just factual sharing of who does what.

If you can afford help I'd get some too. A cleaner or a childminder. One other thing I do is make him physically pay for things. So if I've had to do the mental task of arranging a first birthday party for example, I make him pay for it. Takes the sting off.

OP, just to add to the posters saying it’s not normal or helpful for one partner to say they cooked dinner as a “favour” to the other, and keep track of how many times they’ve cooked. The cheek of it 😂 For context, I’m on maternity leave with a 12mo, DP works FT, and he does 90% of the cooking.

Neither does it strike me as super reasonable for your DH to go to the gym daily when he has a 6mo baby.

The lack of sleep sounds really hard. The way we get sleep in our household is bedsharing - I get a full night’s sleep, with minimal disruption when I stick baby on the boob as needed. There is absolutely luck of the draw involved re: baby temperament and how they sleep etc, but I highly recommend if it’s something you’re interested in! The safe sleep 7 guidelines are worth a look.

I hope things improve soon!

Hi
I’m an older woman baby’s are lovely but the nights awake with teething were awful but we got through it. I had many friends who divorced after 2 or 3 children due to sheer workload and no fun in life. It wasn’t for me I had only 1 child and have had no regrets it will get easier once the child sleeps through the night and you will both feel better then. I was able to return to work as I felt lonely at home but had a lovely neighbour with a baby same age and we would take them out together to the park and playgroups. My husband never suggested having another baby and my mind was made up anyway 1 was enough. I watched my mum bring 4 of us up such hard work and saw how resentful she had become. I never wanted that like. Enjoy ur baby and it does get so much better I remember us sleep deprived and I had no support family to help. My sister had 3 kids it was too much for her and she was exhausted the marriage ended. My daughter grown up now with her own child but she has a career and said I don’t want any more kids. It’s not for everyone to have 2 or more and life was certainly better with just one child but that’s me. I’m old now but look back and no regrets

You sound unspeakably vile

Some of the harsher posts have actually helped me realise something, alongside the supportive ones. Moaning isn’t going to fix this - what I need is a clear rota. I think that’s the only way to stop the resentment and make things visible.

Because today has really highlighted the problem: I’ve had baby from Sunday night through all day Monday. Took him to the doctors (waited an hour with poorly baby), came home, got locked out and had to drive to cleaner’s for spare key, then continued with baby until 7:30pm when DH got back from gym.

His day: Full night’s sleep, work 8am-4pm, came home, made dinner, gym 6-7:30pm.

His day is essentially exactly the same as it was before we had a child. Mine is very different. It’s not like this every day but he rarely looks after baby more than four hours max (unless it’s overnight)

Saturday: I took baby out 2pm-8pm. When I got home, DH had gone out for a meal with a friend came home 11pm.

My issue isn’t that he’s not doing anything - it’s that this feels fundamentally unfair. I’m run into the ground with illness, sleep deprivation, trying to increase my work hours but can’t because I’m so exhausted. Meanwhile his life has barely changed - he still gets daily gym, social time, etc. And when he does take baby overnight (like tonight), it’s presented as him doing me a favour rather than just… his duty as a parent.

The solution I think is to map out a proper rota: exact work hours for both of us, who has baby when, who does nursery runs, who cooks, who gets evening/weekend time off.

I wouldn’t mind doing 90% of childcare IF it was genuinely appreciated and recognised, and IF I wasn’t also expected to work four days a week.

If he said “you’re doing an amazing job, you’re exhausted, let’s reduce your work hours so this is sustainable” - fine. But instead I get “I cooked for you!” while I’m doing bedtime, and criticism for sleeping in after night shifts, while also being expected to increase my work hours.

That still feels unfair. I can’t do most of the childcare AND most of the nights AND increase my work hours AND run on no recovery time, while he maintains most of his pre-baby routine. Something has to give, and a rota would make it clear what’s actually fair