He slapped me. I reported to police. Now what?

[UltimateFrisbee]

My husband has always had a bad temper and been the shouty type. We’ve had more than our fair share of rough times in the marriage but I’ve been sticking it out. However, the last couple of months I have finally been getting the courage or gumption to realise that, for my teen kids’ sake if not my own, I can’t tolerate it anymore. But I have not known where to start. I talked to the police after he took all my stuff (jewellery, clothes) while the kids and I were away and they advised a protection order so that if anything happened again, I could call them and they would arrest him but the process was daunting to me and did not feel like the right step.

Anyway, yesterday he was already in bad form and I got a little scrape on the car, told him about it, he got angry, saying I was a dangerous driver and he would sell the car and take the keys. He was telling me to sit down (I had gone to finish up some work at my desk, he came in to demand the keys, I stood up) and I told him not to tell me what to do. Then he slapped me hard in the face. He said I was being aggressive (I was resisting giving him the keys and was shouting…understandably) and should not get in his face. Even when my daughter came down, he was saying I was aggressive etc. We told him to leave which he was doing anyway and she said she would call police. She did not but I did. He has been reported and I believe has received a caution which was my preference. He did a sort-of apology (said he regretted it but don’t think he actually said sorry to me) and has said he will be sleeping in spare room from now on.

has anyone ever had the experience of something like this being a wake up call for the abuser and being able to slowly mend?

know this is long but it’s a lot to be taking in!

Your DD has learned that a man slaps a women the women just stays with the man and doesn't believe the behaviour is worthy of a divorce.

I think you will get a hard time on here for anything other than separating.

But I think you are clear and honest and fair in what you are saying. This is your life. You have done the right thing involving the Police, showing your children his behaviour is not acceptable and them hearing his ‘sort of apology’ is a first step, not perfect but a start.

in my experience when I called out my DH angry outbursts and our children did too - he has stopped - perhaps not forever but for now. He wasn’t violent but was verbally unpleasant and out of control. It’s made him accountable and recognise his behaviour, he knows it’s unacceptable to us and I will leave him if it starts again.

You sound like you feel safe and in control enough to know that you can report him again if needed - and you might have to. But take strength from standing up to him and knowing what the right thing to do is. He sounds horrible but there is always more to an abusive arsehole than that, I realise.

Thank to all for taking the time to reply.

I do know the stats and I do know that escalation is more common than de-escalation.

Thankfully, my children did not witness the slap but they do know it happened and that is bad enough.

I hear the people saying I need to protect the children - it has been a big step for me to report to the police. I know I had to do that for them as well as myself.

It's the "leave the marriage but stay in the house" bit that leaves me stuck a bit - like how do I leave but stay! I am being literal, I understand and he has left and is moving his belongings etc. I think it is a good start and helps me get my act together.

thank you all for your help. I do need to take a deep breath now and go to work (thankfully had this morning booked off for an event at the school which gave me some time to breathe this morning...and come on here). I appreciate the tough love as well as the gentler responses and especially the practical ones and the ones that show an understanding of the position I am in. I know, on the one hand - he hit you, it's over - seems very simple but I am here and it does not feel simple when you try to figure out how "it's over", at least not to me.

It's been less than 24 hours. I spoke to the police and he is not sleeping in our living space. I think that I am at the very least moving in the right direction to show her that I do not tolerate this.

I’m afraid you are tolerating this behaviour so that is what she will see.

You'll be posting on here in a year from telling us he broke your nose.

You need to leave. It gets worse from here on in

Women’s Aid can advise you about the practical steps you need to take. They might also be able to recommend a divorce lawyer who is an expert in cases involving abuse.

I know you’ve said you are not in the UK. Are you in a country that generally respects the rights of women?

Kick him out. Change the locks. Go to a lawyer and get a divorce. Your kids are teens so there is literally no requirement for you to ever see or speak to him again.

A man who slaps you is not someone you want in your house. Get him the fuck out.

I mean he hit you, surely you can press chrages and get a restraining order to force him out of the house?

Hi, my ex H was horrible (still is) and DD phoned police as he assaulted her (she was a young teen). He was arrested and they wouldn’t allow him back until they’d investigated. Took 4-6 weeks which gave me and DC much needed breathing space and I filed for divorce on day of arrest, before I could go soft in the head again. He was not going to suddenly turn into mr nice guy, especially after having police involvement, and neither will your H, so I took out a non molestation order to keep him well away. Divorce was tricky and painful but staying would have been so much worse for me and DC. We’re out the other side , he’s nothing to do with my life and I wish so much I had done this years and years ago. Your H won’t improve. He’s unhappy - my guess - but doesn’t have the courage to let go so would rather take his anger out on you, believing each time that you’ll forgive him Please get away from him to limit the emotional (and physical) harm to you and your children.

ps my ex still doesn’t think he did anything wrong! In spite of evidence.

As an aside, a caution is a criminal record. It stays on the Police National Computer until the age of 100. You need to check whether it would be reported on a dbs check, it may well be (I can’t remember off the top of my head). As it is for assault, this may well cause problems for employment. The charity Unlock has advice about what the implications of cautions are, in terms of employment / travel etc.

edited to add: this is for UK. Just seen on a previous post that you are not in UK, sorry

OP, are you in Ireland? Just you mentioned protection orders so that's why I'm asking.

You need to go to your local family district court tomorrow and apply for an interim barring order. He has physically abused you. This will mean he cannot go near the home. You also need to contact a DV support service, Women's Aid are good but the local ones are better. I am engaged with Aoibhneas and find them amazing. They send someone to court with me when I have to attend to keep me company and talk me through things.

Let me know if you need any advice. I left, but you shouldn't have to leave your home.

OP, I say this as the child of an abusive dad. You are not taking a stand. You are minimising and making it ok.

This will escalate. Is there somewhere safe you & the children can go to? I hope you’re ok. Please don’t let his ‘sort of’ apology trick you into minimising this.

I'm shocked it's actually an option to simply 'caution' for domestic assault especially giving the controlling background here. I don't feel the police have done the right thing for you here whether you preferred that or not... Anyway, never stay with a man who treats you this way, for yourself and the type of relationship you are modelling to the kids. I'm not sure how it is where you are but here if a person is charged with a crime then it is likely they will have conditions not to be able to enter the house along with other safeguarding conditions. Just something to consider to help with the practical side, particularly if you have need to contact the police again. You might have a past together, but he's showing you who he is now.

I'm really sorry Op but if you stay with him after this you are showing your DD that she should tolerate being shouted at and hit.

I don't think that's what you want for her.

Why do you say she would likely lose her children? Genuinely would like to know

If you can’t leave straightaway, at least have an escape kit kept somewhere else. This should include spare car and door keys, a few changes of clothes, and important documents like passports for you and the DC.
Make sure you’ve got copies of financial stuff, eg details of bank account t, savings and pensions.
It sounds like it’s just a matter of time before he does something mean or violent again.

''@ineedtoknow123 · Today 19:26
Why do you say she would likely lose her children? Genuinely would like to know''

Isn't it obvious?

The OP is letting her children live under the same roof as a violent, volatile male which means:

• putting them at risk of being the next victims of his violence
• letting them go through the trauma seeing their father hit their mother.

If her kids end up mentioning what is going on at school and the school involves social services they could decide that this is not a safe environment for kids to be left in and rightly so in my opinion.

Then why do lots of men still get access to kids when they have done a lot worse?

@UltimateFrisbee book a solicitor appointment and start the ball rolling for the protection order . Once granted , file divorce papers .
Id not be letting my daughter think any man was to hit her .
You are clinging on to memories . He’s a controlling . Physically and verbally abusive .

Because our system is flawed and there are different thresholds for family Court vs criminal court vs police and social services intervention, plus abusive men often make counter allegations and play the system. Vulnerable women often get lost in the midst of this unfortunately. There is also some merit for lots of kids in seeing a parent even though they've done wrong provided the right safeguarding mechanism is in place to protect them from the parent at the same time. The saving grace in this scenario is that (if I'm right as to their ages) ops kids are likely to be deemed gilick competent meaning they can choose whether or not they want to see their dad in the case of a separation.

Your staying because you have affection for him yet all your kids keep seeing is mum and dad angry forget about the recent slap. My love for my kids is greater than that and precisely why I left with 3 small kids after less than 2 years because there was no way I was going to let them grow up in a verbally abusive war zone. Did my heart still hurt for ages after because I still loved him, it sure did but my love for my kids was stronger, I walked out with them and clothes and that was it. Took a year to get back on my feet with help from family and friends and within 5 I was a successful business woman, own house etc and 3 happy children and 2 more after that met my now hubby and had the best 8 years of married life. It took a hell of a lot of courage going down the tunnel of not knowing what to do other than get out and not knowing what to do next but I did it and now have the most amazing teenagers and happy ones

Unfortunately I have to agree with this - lots of women are forced to separate in such situation, her and kids lose their home and dad gets 50:50 rights anyway, as evidenced by many, many threads on this board. Consequently, dad goes to self-employment and doesn't pay maintenance, woman and kids live in poverty in some mouldy council flat, subsidised by the taxpayer. Great system, indeed. I doubt the future of the kids looks brighter in such a scenario.

The lady does not live in England. From what I have read I think she is in Ireland and an earlier poster has given details of the system and help there.