He slapped me. I reported to police. Now what?

[UltimateFrisbee]

My husband has always had a bad temper and been the shouty type. We’ve had more than our fair share of rough times in the marriage but I’ve been sticking it out. However, the last couple of months I have finally been getting the courage or gumption to realise that, for my teen kids’ sake if not my own, I can’t tolerate it anymore. But I have not known where to start. I talked to the police after he took all my stuff (jewellery, clothes) while the kids and I were away and they advised a protection order so that if anything happened again, I could call them and they would arrest him but the process was daunting to me and did not feel like the right step.

Anyway, yesterday he was already in bad form and I got a little scrape on the car, told him about it, he got angry, saying I was a dangerous driver and he would sell the car and take the keys. He was telling me to sit down (I had gone to finish up some work at my desk, he came in to demand the keys, I stood up) and I told him not to tell me what to do. Then he slapped me hard in the face. He said I was being aggressive (I was resisting giving him the keys and was shouting…understandably) and should not get in his face. Even when my daughter came down, he was saying I was aggressive etc. We told him to leave which he was doing anyway and she said she would call police. She did not but I did. He has been reported and I believe has received a caution which was my preference. He did a sort-of apology (said he regretted it but don’t think he actually said sorry to me) and has said he will be sleeping in spare room from now on.

has anyone ever had the experience of something like this being a wake up call for the abuser and being able to slowly mend?

know this is long but it’s a lot to be taking in!

It sounds like both of you are sort of pretending it isn’t happening, but it is. I think you should start to talk to your close friends and family about it.That will make leaving him seem more of a possibility and staying with him less reasonable.

Ah op, I'm sorry you've been through this. But I don't think your husband is the one who needs a wake up call unfortunately as harsh as that sounds. Your post shows you're really in denial about just how bad the abuse is. He isn't doing this to you because he's not aware or because he's lost his temper or that's his personality and how he handles conflict- abusers like your husband are actually highly self controlled- he's doing this to you because he wants to. He wants to bully you and belittle you so you work harder in the relationship to meet his needs while he doesn't have to take accountability for yours and because it makes him feel powerful and he likes that. This isn't an accident on his part, it's a choice he makes repeatedly so there's not going to be a wake up call. He may change tact for a while to avoid getting himself in more trouble but the fundamental abusive attitude will still be there - think "I'm sorry I got caught but not sorry I did it".

Your children at experiencing extensive trauma just by witnessing this and girls raised in abusive homes are significantly more likely to go on into abusive relationships in the future. You owe it to your children to break this cycle and you do that by leaving him as quickly as you can do safely, divorcing him, getting yourself to therapy and your children to therapy, working with women's aid to understand what you've actually been dealing with and so they can help support your kids too and you go on to live a happy full safe and peaceful life. You cannot fix this man because he's not broken he's fully aware of what he's doing and that it's not OK.

why do I want to stay? Because we loved each other so much. Because we have built a life. Because it’s messy and costly and stressful to separate. Because I think he could take a step back and realise he has been spiralling in negativity and could live a better life if he embraced the good. Because I think things could get worse in terms of nastiness if he is off on his own. Because I can’t find the headspace to face this down. Because we still have affection for each other. And connection. And shared history.

How about you change the narrative to:

I did love him, he shouts at us, is abusive, has hit me, thinks it’s okay to belittle me, thinks nothing of doing this in front of our kids!!

My kids WILL be affected, they are probably walking on eggs shells waiting for the next nonsense explosion, he hasn’t apologised (really), he wasn’t going to make any great speech!

From what you have said your DD was going to call the police?? have you considered how frightened and worried they may be? How are you safeguarding them against this man?
After years of temper tantrums he hits you and you agree to a caution - he needs to be removed from the home - you and the kids need space to breathe and recover from his fucking awful behaviour!!

He isn’t going to take a step back and realise he is spiralling- he thinks he is right!! thats why he hasn’t apologised properly. Re- read what you have written - if this was your DD what would you say to her??? I doubt it would be stay and see what happens….

You have years of putting up with this, you must be worn out and worried but you need to find your strength and deal with this now. If not for you for your family. Take care and stay safe.

That can be true but is not always so.

My DH and I never hit each other, but my parents used to go a few rounds of fisticuffs in the kitchen when I was 12-17

I imagine your kids want him gone.. I remember when my dad finally left I was so relieved.. I loved him but didn't miss him for a second.. it just suddenly felt peaceful.

From Chatgtp - Step-by-step: What to do next:

1. Prioritise immediate safety

• Trust your instincts. Violence almost never happens “just once.” Even if he’s apologetic, there is a risk it could happen again.
• Have a safety plan:
• Keep your phone charged and with you at all times.
• Store emergency numbers: 999 (immediate danger), 101 (non-emergency police), National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24/7, free and confidential).
• If you ever feel unsafe, leave immediately—don’t wait to gather belongings. Go to a friend’s, family, or public place.
• Prepare an emergency bag with essentials (keys, ID, money, meds, phone charger, kids’ essentials) and keep it somewhere you can grab quickly or leave it with someone you trust.

2. Talk to a domestic abuse service (today if possible)
You don’t have to face this alone, and they can walk you through every step — emotional support, housing, legal help, and safety planning.

• Call: National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247)
• Or contact your local domestic abuse charity (e.g. Women’s Aid, Refuge, or local council support service).
• You can also chat online safely with chat.womensaid.org.uk/ if phone calls aren’t safe.

They can:

• Explain your legal rights and protection options (like a non-molestation order or occupation order).
• Help you plan safe housing if you decide to separate.
• Link you with counselling and support groups for survivors.

3. Keep a record of everything

• Write down or safely store what’s happened: dates, times, what was said, photos of any injuries, copies of police reports.
• Save threatening messages or emails.
• This helps if you later decide to apply for a protection order or custody arrangements.

4. Speak to the police domestic violence unit

• Ask to be referred to a Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (DVLO) or Independent Domestic Violence Adviser (IDVA).
• Tell them about his previous intimidation (taking your belongings, threats). This builds a full picture of risk and may lead to stronger protection measures.

5. Get emotional and practical support

• GP: can record injuries confidentially and refer you to counselling or local domestic abuse teams.
• School: if your children’s school knows, they can provide pastoral support and ensure the kids feel safe.
• Therapy or support groups: healing from abuse takes time and validation; you are not alone.

6. Think carefully about “mending” the relationship
It’s natural to hope this could be a wake-up call, but research and frontline experience show:

• Violence tends to escalate, not diminish, over time.
• “Wake-up calls” are rare unless the abuser takes full responsibility and commits to a behaviour-change programme (like Respect accredited services).
• Real change means no minimising, blaming, or making excuses, and consistent, non-violent behaviour over time.

If he truly wants to change, he should contact:

👉 Respect Phoneline (for men who use violence and want to stop): 0808 802 4040
But your focus must remain on your safety and recovery, not on fixing him.
7. Legal and housing advice

• Rights of Women (www.rightsofwomen.org.uk) – free legal advice lines about family law, injunctions, and housing.
• Shelter (0808 800 4444) – if you need housing options or help staying in your home safely.

💬 Key message
You’ve already taken a major step by reporting him. The next steps are about keeping yourself and your children safe, building support around you, and exploring long-term options. Even if you’re unsure what to do next, reach out for specialist help — they’ll guide you at your pace.

My experience of abusers is they get worse not better. That slap will turn into a punch, then several. Then hospital, then worse.

You need to ask him to leave the house.

He could attack you and your daughter. It's not worth the risk. As you say, he doesn't even seem like he's sorry. You do not deserve his behaviour.

He's been verbally abusing you and now it's turned physical. That bridge has been crossed and I don't think there's any going back.

I hope you find the strength to get him out of your life. It will be the start of a new chapter. No more shouting, no more bullying.

'Sort of' apologies don't lead anywhere, and sadly these people don't change. The sooner you realise that the better. Google 'Darvo'. It's par for the course for you to be blamed for his behaviour and everything else besides. These people seem pathologically unable to take responsibility for their own actions, which you will realise when none of the 'apologies' bear any actual scrutiny. Buy yourself a copy of 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft. It's all in there. Keep notes, so that in your weaker moments you'll be able to remind yourself that you're not losing your mind and that you deserve better. Get in touch with Womens Aid, who will advise you further on all the practicalities of staying safe and getting your ducks in a row – and take their advice. Try to be strong. You are not alone and there is a good life available to you out the other side of this. I am nearly 6 years out now, happy with my life and remarried to a man who is a really nice person. The extra years that I spent trying to make a doomed marriage with a fundamentally nasty person work were traumatic formative years for my kids. Childhood is precious and every child deserves to feel safe at home, as do you. I know it's not easy but you can do this. Good luck.

He needs to leave ASAP. Get him out OP. He will only escalate from here.

This is coercive control and domestic violence. The majority of these cases become more and more dangerous as time goes on. You have done the right thing in contacting the police, and speaking to women’s aid.

Please consider your options, this situation is unlikely to get any better. You deserve more, as do your children. Do it for yourself and them, and leave this marriage.

You and your DH have exposed your children to this abuse and therefore are also being abused. What would you say to your DD if she was with a partner like this? Get out of this mess and accept that you are a victim of domestic violence. Husbands who love their wife's do not hit them. He does not love you.

I know how hard it is. I’ve been the daughter (well step daughter) in this situation.

It has affected mine and my 2 younger sisters lives. My youngest sister stayed in an abusive relationship as a teenager and didn’t tell us. She thought it was just something that happened.

If your daughter had a husband who was treating her this way would you not want her to get out?

has anyone ever had the experience of something like this being a wake up call for the abuser and being able to slowly mend?

No.

This situation is beyond dysfunctional. Your husband is a volatile abuser and you have been badly downplaying the impact of that for years and years. He is not going to become non-abusive. He is an appalling man.

It's incredibly unfair of you to subject your children to this. His behaviour will do untold emotional and psychological damage to them.

As OP is not in the UK, we don't know this is the case. Practice varies widely across countries in this respect.

Very difficult OP.
Well done for involving the police.
Best he doesn't enter the house.
Please do not underestimate the trauma of your children.
They will 100% carry the burden of a domestic abusive childhood, the rest of their lives.

It is a shocking burden to carry and impacts every area, increasingly as they age, particularly mental health, general health, and relationships.

If you can organise counselling for them, do it.

has anyone ever had the experience of something like this being a wake up call for the abuser and being able to slowly mend?

No. They don't actually think they did anything wrong, deep down.

The message you are actually giving your children is that it's completely okay for a man to verbally and physically abuse women.

You have only partly stood up for yourself, you need to follow it through.

I know it's hard but you are setting your daughter up for accepting verbal and physical abuse, and possibly setting your son up to be an abuser of women.

You used the word "loved", which is not in the present!! Time to go x

Him shouting that you are being aggressive and abusive is a tactic to justify the violence apparently my ex used to scream help she is hurting me and smack his ex fiance (she was after me but before his now wife) he tried it a time or two with me i would walk out the house into the garden or on the street where people could clearly see i was doing fuck all one time he "ran away" from me in a car park because I was "being abusive" he ran into some people and said thank goodness you came along i thought she was going to hit me they said who? Are you feeling ok son? Because the second he ran i went in the opposite direction he then chased me down begging me to get into the car pleading with me practically sobbing ffs saying he was sorry ive literally never laid hands on him in my life but publicly he acted the victim and shit sticks once your painted as an abuser (as a woman) you have lost all credibility with support services his recent ex fiance? She lost all contact rights to her children social services believed him when he told them she was drinking again and being violent now she can't see her children at all (im not saying this is a good or bad thing btw im not close enough to judge) i know he lied deliberately and maliciously because she left him and wouldn't get back together with him

They get worse not better

In my experience there is no "wake up call". They are showing you their true colors and the abuse gets worse. I wish you the best.

Nobody can make you leave. Lots of women in your situation stick it because of lots of things. He says sorry won't do it again. What you're teaching your daughters is that it's OK for a man to batter a woman as long as he says sorry. Teaching any boys that they can act like their dad. One day you will realise and hopefully it's not to late. Sorry to be so blunt. He won't change and you know it.

What did he do with your jewellery and clothes? Did he sell them? Why did he leave you with no clothes? It makes no sense.

I appreciate that getting divorced isn't easy, but really this man has no love or respect for you does he?

He has always had a bad temper & been the "the shouty type" (what on earth attracted you to him?) & is only getting worse.

Not sure that that will change or why you would want to stay.

Perfectly articulated.