He slapped me. I reported to police. Now what?

[UltimateFrisbee]

My husband has always had a bad temper and been the shouty type. We’ve had more than our fair share of rough times in the marriage but I’ve been sticking it out. However, the last couple of months I have finally been getting the courage or gumption to realise that, for my teen kids’ sake if not my own, I can’t tolerate it anymore. But I have not known where to start. I talked to the police after he took all my stuff (jewellery, clothes) while the kids and I were away and they advised a protection order so that if anything happened again, I could call them and they would arrest him but the process was daunting to me and did not feel like the right step.

Anyway, yesterday he was already in bad form and I got a little scrape on the car, told him about it, he got angry, saying I was a dangerous driver and he would sell the car and take the keys. He was telling me to sit down (I had gone to finish up some work at my desk, he came in to demand the keys, I stood up) and I told him not to tell me what to do. Then he slapped me hard in the face. He said I was being aggressive (I was resisting giving him the keys and was shouting…understandably) and should not get in his face. Even when my daughter came down, he was saying I was aggressive etc. We told him to leave which he was doing anyway and she said she would call police. She did not but I did. He has been reported and I believe has received a caution which was my preference. He did a sort-of apology (said he regretted it but don’t think he actually said sorry to me) and has said he will be sleeping in spare room from now on.

has anyone ever had the experience of something like this being a wake up call for the abuser and being able to slowly mend?

know this is long but it’s a lot to be taking in!

This relationship looks very volatile and it escalated to the physical violence. I agree that it won't get any better - he crossed the line here and it would be better for the whole family if you separated for a while to consider your options (either he tries a therapy as a condition for continuing marriage - if you really want to save it - or you divorce). Yes, he should leave for now. It's odd that you allowed him back in and it is very demoralising for the children. You should seek psychological help for the kids and yourself.

Your poor poor kids. I dont know what else to say tbh. If u won't protect them, who will 🤦‍♀️

If you read OP's updates you will see he gave them back to her.

You know you need to leave. It is never easy - but the time/love/investment/money is all a sunk cost. Don't spend the rest of your life like this. Or worse watching your children repeat these patterns in their own life. Get out.

Apologies mean nothing in this situation, and often end up luring the victim into a more dangerous dynamic. His control and abuse are escalating which is really dangerous. You need complete physical distance and to proactively work with police to protect yourself and your children

Agreed. Now he's moved to physical abuse it is always much more likely to get worse.

Good.

Your husband will likely never have a wake up call but you should use this as yours. He's not likely to change and probably doesn't think he's done anything wrong as 'you provoked him'. Women's aid can help you sort an exit plan and go through steps if this is what you want. They helped me when I left my ex and everything is so much more relaxed in my life now. My home is safe and no-one has to walk on eggshells to appease him.

@UltimateFrisbee
please note that you said you loved each other ie in the PAST tense.
I assume that you don’t love each other anymore.
Time you started making plans to separate and divorce because it’s not likely to get better. More likely to escalate to even worse aggressive behaviour from you husband.

Not good enough, OP. You and your kids deserve better.

you need to leave as the violence gets worse not better, see a solicitor and get everything in order and dont tell him you intend to leave, if you are married and have a joint mortgage you need to stay in the house and he needs to leave , you need to leave because this is not ok for your children...speak to all the domestic abuse/charities in your area for advice as they can help you leave...

It boils down to protecting your children or not.

I say this as someone who was married to an animal and my abuse made the papers and was a topic on the radio one day. How lovely of them.

You need to get rid of him.

He assaulted you, he shouldn't be in the house still, spare room or not

He won't change OP, so don't wait for that to happen. In fact, now that he's hit you once he is far more likely to do it again.

You are allowing him to stay in the house after he physically abused you and your children see this?! Come on! He should be GONE.

Abusers never change. Please don't think/hope he will. The abuse will only escalate.

I came to say very similar to this. I was in your daughters position growing up, and both me and my brother have suffered long term effects from it (my brother more so). Please for their sake, get out.

Well done for calling the police OP, that's a huge and brave step.

Please, please keep talking to Women's Aid. If you don't feel able to leave right now, start making preparations to leave later down the line. They can give you good advice on this.

Would you like your daughter to be in a similar relationship? Theres your answer

God - how low is your bar. Your poor children. To see their mother get slapped - and she still remains with him? What are you teaching them. Think about that. And if your daughter married someone like that - you’ll advise her to stay will you?

Crikey, what message are you sending your DD?
You need to put her first which you are not doing.

My first H was lile this. His favourite was to kick me under the table, so no one would see. When I finally was gearing up to leaving him, he went into full on assault mode. Pinned me down with his knees on my chest, he could have easily killed me. Even when I got my own place, he came into that house and assaulted me. He also cheated on me, which was actually the reason I left. He didn't learn anything from this, and still cheats on every partner he has. So, do men learn? Have an epiphany? No, they don't.

Does your husband slap work colleagues, or random people that annoy him? I'm guessing not. So can can control himself, but he chooses not to with you. Why is that? Because he has zero respect for you.

He's awful.

Read your posts and imagine a friend has told you this.

My guess:
He'll hit you again.
And apologise.
He'll hit you again, probably harder
And apologise.
He'll continue to control, berate and mentally torture you in front of your children.
(after 34 times you may decide to leave, but even then he'll potentially have half killed you by then)

You are better off living away from this monster of a human being.

Honestly, it seems like you’re still in the phase of justifying and making excuses on his behalf.

While I do think sometimes people can become abusive while not being inherently abusive (ie drugs, alcohol, mental illness), generally it’s people who prior to that didn’t really have much of a history of being dicks.

In your husband’s case, you said yourself he’s always had a temper and it’s obviously escalating. All it look was you standing up for yourself for him to slap you. What about the next time? And the next? A slap will become a punch and a kick.

Women take a long time to leave (I’ve been there) but for the sake of your children, start getting your ducks in a row - especially if you have the advantage of him not accessing your account.

Hello OP, I have posted this before on a thread similar to yours, and I will keep on posting this on any abusive thread I come across, because if it helps one person than that's a good thing.

My wonderful Aunt was killed by her husband, what started as verbal abuse and him being in control became physical, a black eye, a sprained wrist, a broken nose and she stayed, because she felt she had to, he had worn down her resilience, her confidence.

She, like you felt it was too much hassle to move out, she believed he would change, he had apologised so he would change for the better, they had once been in love etc.
One day he snapped and he killed her, their two daughters, my cousins became orphans overnight, thankfully my Mum and Grandparents stepped in.
My Aunt had told my Mum about the abuse but she glossed over it and I can remember my Mum pleading with my Aunt to leave him, but she didn't and the outcome was horrific, as a family we never thought something like that could happen but it did.

It affected my cousins throughout their childhoods and now as adults they are still affected, neither have children, one is a complete loner and the other has a vivid tick due to nerves.
Please, please seriously think about your life, your way of living and your child/children and get out, your life is worth more than what you think it is.
He will not change.