He slapped me. I reported to police. Now what?

[UltimateFrisbee]

My husband has always had a bad temper and been the shouty type. We’ve had more than our fair share of rough times in the marriage but I’ve been sticking it out. However, the last couple of months I have finally been getting the courage or gumption to realise that, for my teen kids’ sake if not my own, I can’t tolerate it anymore. But I have not known where to start. I talked to the police after he took all my stuff (jewellery, clothes) while the kids and I were away and they advised a protection order so that if anything happened again, I could call them and they would arrest him but the process was daunting to me and did not feel like the right step.

Anyway, yesterday he was already in bad form and I got a little scrape on the car, told him about it, he got angry, saying I was a dangerous driver and he would sell the car and take the keys. He was telling me to sit down (I had gone to finish up some work at my desk, he came in to demand the keys, I stood up) and I told him not to tell me what to do. Then he slapped me hard in the face. He said I was being aggressive (I was resisting giving him the keys and was shouting…understandably) and should not get in his face. Even when my daughter came down, he was saying I was aggressive etc. We told him to leave which he was doing anyway and she said she would call police. She did not but I did. He has been reported and I believe has received a caution which was my preference. He did a sort-of apology (said he regretted it but don’t think he actually said sorry to me) and has said he will be sleeping in spare room from now on.

has anyone ever had the experience of something like this being a wake up call for the abuser and being able to slowly mend?

know this is long but it’s a lot to be taking in!

Taking all your clothes and jewellery while you were away is quite an extreme thing to do.
Was is done as an act of vengeance because he was angry with you for some particular reason?
Or was it done so he could sell them because he needed money for some reason?
I wondered if his temper now morphing into physical violence was linked to some substance dependency?

I don't know what's available if you're not in the UK, but our local council based domestic abuse services run courses for perpetrators. They are very good, but of course no guarantee of results. It might be worth seeing if you have similar. It would be very telling of your H's attitude whether he wants to sign up.

Without intensive specialist intervention IMHO his chances of change are pretty much zero, with them they are low.

As others have said, think of your daughter. I know you are thinking of your children, but I mean don't just 'consider them' but try removing yourself a step from your confused feelings by literally imagining this happening to your daughter ten years from now.

Imagine she has a partner, a shared history, affection, memories of love. But imagine that this partner she loves stole all her clothes and jewellery when she was on holiday. Imagine he regularly yells at her. Imagine he demands the car keys when she has a scrape. Imagine that when she stands up to him, he slaps her, hard, around the face - and then tells her it was her fault for being 'aggressive'.

Would you tell her to stay and give him another chance because he said he regretted hitting her? Even though there was no clear apology, no begging for forgiveness? Even though you can see that it's part of an escalating pattern? Even though you know full well she'll spend the rest of her life walking on eggshells to avoid provoking a man who used to be nice to her? Even though you now know the answer to the question you came on here to ask - do they ever change - is 'no'?

Divorce this piece of shit garbage. Report the theft of your jewellery and clothes to police

Agreed. Never ever knew an abuser to change, except to get worse. I knew one or two women who swore theirs had really changed and it was just a one off etc etc... they were lying.

Just to answer a few questios:

• yes, they are his kids too
• he took the jewellery etc because he was angry that he believed I lied to him about something fairly trivial. He did give them back. I did speak to the police at the time before he had given them back
• no substance abuse or anything like that
• he does not have access to my bank account etc

I appreciate the replies. I think it is a good step that he has removed himself and I have time to figure things out and get my act together. I haven’t told anyone in real life about most of this so I think that would help me have to face it.

He has no right to take away any of your things or hit you for any reason. Gaslighting you saying you are being aggressive is a classic move so you feel guilty. Don't. The minute they hit you, they have shown their true colours. They don't get better, although they get better at apologising and pretending that they are sorry. Really they need a lot of help but not from you and probably they won't get it ever. I hope women's aid can help and you deserve so much better.

Taking your stuff because he thought you’d lied about something trivial is a bizarre and completely OTT response. It’d be ott, weird and controlling even if you actually had lied about something non trivial tbh.

You want us to help you stay in this relationship. You want us to support your delusion that it can get better. You want us to agree with your drift into feeling comfortable with your bad decisions.

No-one will help you stay in an abusive relationship. Stop asking us to help you normalise what is happening to you and your children. You need to resist the urge into justifying this - yes, it is frightening to think about letting go of what you know, but you CAN do it.

You need to start finding your anger and your inner tiger and start protecting your children from your abuser. We can help you with practical steps to finish this relationship. There are also plenty of organisations that can offer practical and even legal advice.

If he got an official caution it is absolutely not just a verbal warning. It is a criminal record. Yes that’s the end of it in terms of the process, no court etc but it would come up on a search

Abuse thrives on secrecy. Start talking to trusted people. Is there a domestic violence group in your area?. You have taken a small but significant step in writing about this on here and that is to your credit.

The caution will go on his record and it will show up on checks.

OP, it's always hard to admit you made a misjudgement and gave your heart to an arsehole and the story isn't what you thought it was. That's why so many women don't, and instead say he's changed, it's a one off, the world just doesn't understand, he's had such a terrible life, etc etc. It's so much easier to swallow than the fact that he is actually a shitbag and he really did treat you and your love that badly.

But you need to make that admission and act on it because you have kids and they are more important than him, his foul temper, his abusiveness and any narrative anyone has about your relationship.

You state you are not in the UK. What are women’s legal rights like where you are?.

Are you for instance a trailing spouse who now lives in this country because of his job?

Abusers don’t have ‘wake up calls’ OP. They KNOW they’re abusing you… they mean to abuse you and are choosing to do so. It’s not like alcoholism or a mental health issue where they gain insight and work to change their condition. Abusing you is a conscious choice he is making.

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you and that your husband is a prick.
I think that when we're in dysfunctional and abusive relationships, we can tie ourselves in knots trying to think how to change someone, how things used to be, how to get back to how things were. Usually, there's a dynamic of drama too- He treats you badly, you react, you cling on to him even though this person, now, isn't really anyone you would want to love.

The thing that jumps out for me is that you think you're "taking a stand for the kids" by calling the police on your abusive husband, and then allowing him back into the family space, and remaining in a relationship with him. I say this with empathy and kindness, but your kids really really need you to model healthy behaviours right now. If you don't want your children to be in relationships like the one you're in, you have to leave. That is the responsible thing to do as a mother.

Well, they often don't think they are being abusive. They think you drove them to it, or it's not their fault because <<insert sob story here>>. Since they usually did have a shitty background, they think that because there's some minor change in what they do, it's not abuse because they had it worse. They often think they're the good guys, flawed heroes.

Whatever. They're still abusers and children will depend on their parents to protect them from it.

Fuck that op, you need to get out - this will not be the last time he does this

The thing that jumps out for me is that you think you're "taking a stand for the kids" by calling the police on your abusive husband, and then allowing him back into the family space, and remaining in a relationship with him.

Agreed. My mother used to think that because she sometimes engaged in screaming matches with my father, she wasn't letting him get away with it and he was getting consequences. We kids would beg her to protect us and she'd say, "Oh, well, I shouted at him." But she stayed married to him, stayed living with him, stayed doing all his domestic duties for him and made us live with it too. That was not a consequence.

He isn’t going to change. His behaviour is esculating. He is emotional and physically abusive to you. He is emotionally abusive to the children and you’re allowing it. If your children are under 18 then their scholl/college will have been informed. At the moment you’re telling your dayghter that it’s acceptable for a man to hit her.

It is horrible your daughter had to witness that. He’s gone too far now. Calling the police was the right thing to do. Not sure this can be put back together again - not should it.

As a child I winessed domestic violence along with living in a loud, shouty household with a constantly tense undercurrent, never knowing when it woujld kick off again. I can't tell you how distressing that is at the time or how long serious and long lasting the inmpacts are. Plese don't put your kids through this any longer.

As for your list of reasons for staying:
Because we loved each other so much. In the past. People who love each other don't slap their partner or take their stuff because of an argument.
Because we have built a life. Sunk cost fallacy. What sort of life have you built? One where he hits you.
Because it’s messy and costly and stressful to separate. Well too bad, suck it up, your kids deserve better
Because I think he could take a step back and realise he has been spiralling in negativity and could live a better life if he embraced the good. Thats his choice, you can't change him or make him 'embrace the good'. Stop living in fantasy land.
Because I think things could get worse in terms of nastiness if he is off on his own. Possible, still not a reason to stay - at least you aren't LIVING with the nastiness
Because I can’t find the headspace to face this down. Well pull yourslef together. You get a choice, the kids don't
Because we still have affection for each other. And connection. Really? What sort of affection and connenction is involved in hitting you?
And shared history. Sunk cost fallacy, again. Let go of the past and accept where you are now.

His temper didn't get the better of him. He assaulted you.

Next time it will be more than a slap. The only way to stop that is to split up.

If you stay with him sooner or later you or one or both of your children will be killed by him.

I'm proud of you for calling the police, that wasn't an easy thing to do. I'm glad he's taken himself off to the office/spare room I hope it gives you some breathing space.

The most troubling thing in your account is that he hit you after a prolonged period of shouting and other forms of abuse (taking your stuff is abusive). It's an escalation and it's worrying. I can't pretend I've been in your shoes so I'm trying to think what I'd say to a shocked friend. I think I would just encourage you to think in - 'what's the best thing I need to do next?' terms.

For example:
I need to make a cup of tea and sort dinner for me and the kids (not him).

I need to make sure I have a secure place to keep jewellery and important documents, passports, marriage certificates, pensions/investment/finance stuff etc somewhere he can't access it, a parent's or friend's house - maybe a locked box at your bank?

Perhaps I should just book one hour with a lawyer to find out what a life without him might look like from a financial point of view.

Perhaps I need to talk to someone like a counsellor to help me consider whether I'm trying to hang on to what's gone or whether it is time to call it a day. Personally I think after being hit your relationship will never go back to what it once was. Like an affair a line has been crossed here.

I would start with the tea. You sound pretty overwhelmed so instead of worrying about the big picture, think about one positive thing you can do for yourself.

Good luck to you OP, rooting for you.

Also the OP says she is worried his "nastiness" will get worse if he's on his own?! Surely that's the best case scenario. His nastiness will most likely get worse anyway now. Abusers only tend to go one way. So if he's going to be abusive then surely he's better on his own and not around you and your kids?! What if he ends up hitting one of your children?