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Original poster

Help with getting closure with ex-boyfriend who reached out to me...

109 replies

ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 03:00

I (33F) broke up with my exBF (38M) in May 2025 and I heard from him this morning asking if I wanted to see him soon and talk. I said yes and we're meeting tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. We haven't spoken to each other since the breakup.

Some background that's important: I left him in May after being together for 3.5 years because he was dragging his feet on marriage and I was basically forcing him to do get married out of my own insecurities by seeing so many of my own friends around me getting engaged/married/have kids. We loved each other deeply, I really did want to be his wife and have kids with him, etc but he never wanted that sort of lifestyle. He was okay with us staying as GF/BF forever, and he was even ok at the thought of us being "husband/wife" and living together but in name only, not legally in court. And we had arguments over this and eventually I realized it just wasn't fair to either of us for me to try to create something out of nothing, which was forcing him to marry me when he didn't want marriage. So I left.

Does anyone have any advice on tomorrow's meeting? I don't think he's going to tell me he's changed. I think he's going to try to get me to get back with him, but still on old terms outlined above, and there's no way I am going back to any of that. I want marriage with my husband who is going to love me unconditionally and will not be able to wait to marry me as soon as we decide we're both ready for that... someone who can't wait to be the father to our kids😊

My ex wasn't excited about any of that in May and I don't expect people to change.

OP posts:
CookingFatCat · 14/10/2025 03:18

Just don’t meet him. Why rake it all up again?

Rainbowqueeen · 14/10/2025 03:21

You can't get closure from another person. So don't go into your meeting expecting to get it.

Only go along to meet him if you feel that it is the best thing for you. It doesn't matter what he wants and what is best for him. You are the priority here.

You're being very kind to him already, agreeing to see him. I think this meeting is all about what is best for him and what he wants. I very much doubt he is considering your feelings at all.

I would make it clear to him that you want to go no contact after this and don't want to hear from him again. That's the best way for you to heal. And if you are looking for someone else, the last thing you need is an ex hanging around.

Can you organise to phone a close friend afterwards? So you can have some support waiting for you. best wishes

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 03:33

Rainbowqueeen · 14/10/2025 03:21

You can't get closure from another person. So don't go into your meeting expecting to get it.

Only go along to meet him if you feel that it is the best thing for you. It doesn't matter what he wants and what is best for him. You are the priority here.

You're being very kind to him already, agreeing to see him. I think this meeting is all about what is best for him and what he wants. I very much doubt he is considering your feelings at all.

I would make it clear to him that you want to go no contact after this and don't want to hear from him again. That's the best way for you to heal. And if you are looking for someone else, the last thing you need is an ex hanging around.

Can you organise to phone a close friend afterwards? So you can have some support waiting for you. best wishes

Yes, this is going to be good for me because otherwise I would have kept thinking "what if he messages me one day and..." but now that he has, I can get past that and put an end to this chapter.

"I very much doubt he is considering your feelings at all." I am sad to say that I would agree with you on this statement.

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 14/10/2025 03:57

What will you do if he claims he's "changed", he "misses you so much", he'll "become everything you want him to be"?

It's quite possible that he says this kind of thing. He might even believe it somewhat himself, he misses coupledom with you, where things were easier for him. Or he might be saying it to get a shag.

In my experience, it is VERY hard to change, even if you want to. So the risk of him future faking you for another 3.5 years, where you lose more precious reproductive years, is really high.

Just prepare yourself for this possibility and don't allow yourself to be tempted. It didn't work the first time around, it very likely will not work this time around either.

Agree with PP that he's not thinking about you, it's likely all about him and what HE wants.

MayaPinion · 14/10/2025 04:07

If there’s one rule it’s this: Don’t go to bed with him - not tomorrow. Don’t get drunk either. If possible, make a date to see a friend or family after so you don’t end up lingering.

There’s a big part of your brain hoping he’ll be standing there with a wedding ring and the registry office booked, but you know that’s unlikely. Know what you want to get out of the meeting so that you’re ready.

InfrequentPoster · 14/10/2025 04:23

I hate to say it but I’d also prepare yourself for him using the meeting to announce he’s met someone else and is pursuing everything you wanted with her. I’ve heard it happen before, doesn’t want to get married and have kids and 6 months after the breakup is settled with someone new. It may be he wants to tell you and explain it all before someone else is able to tell you first.

Obviously I hope this isn’t the case for your sake but better to prepare yourself just in case and please keep us updated on how it goes.

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 04:35

InfrequentPoster · 14/10/2025 04:23

I hate to say it but I’d also prepare yourself for him using the meeting to announce he’s met someone else and is pursuing everything you wanted with her. I’ve heard it happen before, doesn’t want to get married and have kids and 6 months after the breakup is settled with someone new. It may be he wants to tell you and explain it all before someone else is able to tell you first.

Obviously I hope this isn’t the case for your sake but better to prepare yourself just in case and please keep us updated on how it goes.

Dude I didn't even consider this a possibility... I kind of started laughing at it lol... I met a mutual friend of ours this last Saturday that told me he's not doing well at all emotionally. She's kind of the one who got me to talk to him.

If he tells me tomorrow that he's met someone and he's going to marry her, I mean obviously I'll be very shocked and I'm not sure exactly how I'll react, but I will tell him "I wish you the best of luck" 😬

OP posts:
Gardenfish · 14/10/2025 04:36

Op please be prepared that he's met someone else and he wants you to hear it from him.

Or maybe he's with one else and they're having a baby.

You are a strong person op. You have keep to what you believe in.

Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 04:38

MayaPinion · 14/10/2025 04:07

If there’s one rule it’s this: Don’t go to bed with him - not tomorrow. Don’t get drunk either. If possible, make a date to see a friend or family after so you don’t end up lingering.

There’s a big part of your brain hoping he’ll be standing there with a wedding ring and the registry office booked, but you know that’s unlikely. Know what you want to get out of the meeting so that you’re ready.

You have hit the nail on the head sister! I am a hopeless romantic at heart, which has made this breakup all that more traumatic for me, and there was a part of me today that was daydreaming about him saying all the right things to me, being there with flowers, having that ring cuz we did look at rings together and he had the design of the one I wanted.

But the chances of that happening are less than me winning the lottery lol I'm not that special woman that I thought I was 3 years ago that could get him to change his mind. I realized that these past 5ish months that we were apart.

It breaks my heart to say it but I am ready to end this chapter and be on the lookout for the one that's meant for me 🙏🏼💔🥲

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 04:40

Gardenfish · 14/10/2025 04:36

Op please be prepared that he's met someone else and he wants you to hear it from him.

Or maybe he's with one else and they're having a baby.

You are a strong person op. You have keep to what you believe in.

If he tells me any of these things, I'll be okay. I will say a little prayer for the baby because his family is bat $$$$ crazy.😬

OP posts:
Original poster
ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 04:42

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 14/10/2025 03:57

What will you do if he claims he's "changed", he "misses you so much", he'll "become everything you want him to be"?

It's quite possible that he says this kind of thing. He might even believe it somewhat himself, he misses coupledom with you, where things were easier for him. Or he might be saying it to get a shag.

In my experience, it is VERY hard to change, even if you want to. So the risk of him future faking you for another 3.5 years, where you lose more precious reproductive years, is really high.

Just prepare yourself for this possibility and don't allow yourself to be tempted. It didn't work the first time around, it very likely will not work this time around either.

Agree with PP that he's not thinking about you, it's likely all about him and what HE wants.

Edited

Well I'm going to make a very clear to him that I am not planning on sleeping with anyone anymore until we're married. I actually did make this promise to myself at the end of our relationship in May, and the rule has really helped me steer clear of bad men. I am not breaking it, especially not for him. He already knows we had a great sex life. So there's no reason to do anymore "test drives".

OP posts:
PrancingBean · 14/10/2025 06:03

I think (from heart hurting experience) that we make our own closure by stopping allowing people access to us. It’s not easy, but we say ‘enough’ and we mean it. Otherwise, the door is always left a little bit open.

MotherMary14 · 14/10/2025 06:07

InfrequentPoster · 14/10/2025 04:23

I hate to say it but I’d also prepare yourself for him using the meeting to announce he’s met someone else and is pursuing everything you wanted with her. I’ve heard it happen before, doesn’t want to get married and have kids and 6 months after the breakup is settled with someone new. It may be he wants to tell you and explain it all before someone else is able to tell you first.

Obviously I hope this isn’t the case for your sake but better to prepare yourself just in case and please keep us updated on how it goes.

This was my first thought. Sadly it’s something I‘ve witnessed happening to friends.

Helplessandheartbroke · 14/10/2025 07:16

Im invested now. Do you still love him op I take it?

Brightbluesomething · 14/10/2025 08:14

I can’t see any benefit to you in meeting up. You’ve made yourself clear and his life goals are different.
As hard as this is to hear. He just wasn’t that into you. If he was you’d be planning a wedding now. And so would he.
You’ll not change a man of that age. But you might find he says what you want to hear to drag you along and future fake for a bit so he feels better in himself. None of this will benefit you.
Take this from someone who also walked away because my ex would never commit, you did the right thing and no amount of talking will change his mind. Actions speak louder than words.

Dery · 14/10/2025 08:48

I suspect he’s going to suggest you get back together but offer nothing more. You ended it with him so I really don’t think he’s meeting you in person to tell you he’s with someone else unless he’s playing games and trying to make you jealous. But i agree with PPs, it makes sense to prepare for disappointment and it sounds like you have. Closure is something you give yourself but I understand your curiosity and having this coffee with him might help you give yourself that closure. Have something fun planned for afterwards if you can.

stealthninjamum · 14/10/2025 08:53

Op, how did you get round to looking at rings? Is he one of these men who dangle the idea of marriage in front of a woman to string them along for a bit longer? If that’s the case then you already know he’s manipulative and so you shouldn’t go.

AutumnCosy2025 · 14/10/2025 08:57

I would meet him, it would drive me nuts not to know why he'd contacted me.

it could go either way, but you're prepared for it. Just keep your head screwed on & it'll be fine.

Spookygoose · 14/10/2025 09:06

I would ask him over text why he wants to meet. You’ve done really well with NC for 5 months and, I imagine, healed a lot in that time. If you meet him all those feelings could come flooding back and set you back on your healing process. Yeah it might not be ideal to have such a serious conversation over text but I think it’s better to do it that way so you don’t risk upsetting yourself or sleeping with him etc

ButSheSaid · 14/10/2025 09:06

asking if I wanted to see him soon and talk.

How unappealing. What's he offering, specifically? If he's whining to other people that he's struggling, he needs to do extensive work on himself, get therapy, build deep friendships, build his own community and become an excellent man.
Whining at an ex will not achieve that.
Sounds like he just wants attention and an easy way to slide back into pointless dating with zero effort.

Value yourself. Tell him you've reconsidered and you're actually fine with not wanting to see him, to delete your phone number, all the best, byeeee.

Conniebygaslight · 14/10/2025 09:10

Why are you meeting him OP? You're putting yourself at great emotional risk by doing so. Curiosity isn't worth that IMO.

Awrite · 14/10/2025 09:18

I agree with those saying not to go.

I remember someone telling me that I shouldn't fixate on why my recent break up had happened. She said people lie.

I suspect he is the one wanting closure. This meeting up could knock your confidence. Sounds like you are doing really well. Why risk it?

Adooree · 14/10/2025 09:28

Perhaps he's spent those months apart working out , had a nose job , had a hair transplant etc , and wants to unveil himself to you so you can see what ( he thinks ) you have been missing ! 😂😂
Good luck and report back .

3luckystars · 14/10/2025 09:34

i doubt he is telling you he is marrying someone else! Very few men would have that courtesy.

If he does say ‘oh I love you, I’m sorry, marry me’ do you really want to be married to someone who is so godforsaken stupid that they didn’t realise what they had until it was gone?

He might be one of those men that need to be pulled kicking and screaming and ultimatumed into marriage and then spend their lives dragging their heels and you are supposed to be grateful he married you. They are the most useless husbands.

Honestly being married is a tough marathon, having kids is so so so hard even when you are madly in love and determined to both give it 100%

Don’t be with someone who is only half arsed
doing it because he saw the reality of what was out there and realised what a good catch you were (after months of friends advising him to cop on) he is stupid at the very least.

TREAD CAREFULLY

Just don’t commit to anything there and then. whatever he suggests, ‘go home to think about it over the weekend’ take your time and definitely order the nicest cake for yourself x x

Starlight1984 · 14/10/2025 09:36

ForeverHopeful3 · 14/10/2025 04:40

If he tells me any of these things, I'll be okay. I will say a little prayer for the baby because his family is bat $$$$ crazy.😬

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You wanted to have kids with him though....?

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